by Lesley Crewe
And that was exactly what Tansy wanted to do when she realized she’d have to buy Christmas presents for her daughter instead of sending gift certificates.
The taxi pulled up to the house around two in the afternoon. She’d forgotten how pretty the house looked when it snowed. Like a gingerbread house. Her mother had her favourite wreath on the door and single battery-operated candles in all the windows. There were no Christmas lights on the spruce tree in the front yard. Dad always did that, and either her mother didn’t want to get up on a ladder or she didn’t have the heart to do it.
Tansy had one small suitcase and a carryall. She paid the driver and walked to the back door. Should she knock? That seemed silly, so she took a deep breath and walked in.
Her childhood hit her in the face. The smell of shortbreads and mincemeat tarts and gingerbread were mixed in with the scent of evergreen and cedar, cinnamon and apple cider.
She almost turned around and walked out. She couldn’t do this.
And then she saw Ashley.
Her daughter ran into the kitchen wearing a red velvet dress with a white Peter Pan collar, tied in the back with a big bow. She had on white tights and black patent leather shoes and a green velvet ribbon around her head, keeping back her curls.
As soon as Ashley saw her, she stopped running and looked uncertain. Her hand immediately went to the back of her hair and twisted a curl around her finger.
“Hello.”
Ashley didn’t say anything.
“You’re very pretty.”
Bay stuck her head around the hall entrance as if afraid of what she’d see. The minute she laid eyes on Tansy her face lit up. She never said a word, simply ran into Tansy’s arms. Tansy had to drop her bags to hug her back.
Ashley twisted around and yelled, “Nana!”
Mom came down the stairs and put her hand on her heart. “Oh, my girls.”
It was nice.
Gertie came over when Bay called to say Tansy was home. And as usual, it was better when she was there because they were distracted from bigger issues. They did end up going to church and the only thing Tansy remembered afterwards was a buzz of voices in the vestibule all sounding delighted when they realized Tansy was in their midst. She almost laughed. Most of these people had talked behind her back her whole life, and here they were pretending to be as pleased as punch to see her.
Then she realized they were pleased for her mother and she didn’t have anything to do with it.
Ashley was overtired and cranky by the time they got home. She cried and called out for her mommy. Bay almost hesitated before she picked her up. She asked Tansy if she wanted to help put her to bed, or read Ashley The Night Before Christmas. Tansy said no.
The worst moment of the day was when the three of them sat together and placed gifts under the Christmas tree. To keep from talking about anything important, they reminisced about Christmases past, but that’s a dangerous thing to do when emotions are raw. Mom got teary as she talked about Dad and Bay wept when she remembered it was four years ago tonight that Bobby had asked her to marry him. Tansy made damn sure she didn’t cry about anything.
Tansy didn’t sleep. She told them she was tired and went to bed, but was still awake when she heard her sister’s deep, even breathing and her mother’s occasional snore from her bedroom.
She got up and went out into the hall. Ashley’s door was almost closed, but not quite. Trying not to make any noise, she slowly opened the door and hoped it wouldn’t squeak. She crept over to the baby bed Ashley now slept in. It was disappointing. Tansy had expected a crib and felt cheated somehow.
A nightlight gave the room a glow and provided enough light for Tansy to see Ashley sleeping. She knelt by the bed so she could get closer. What a perfect little face. She wondered if Bay noticed how much like Bobby she was. But of course Bay wasn’t looking for any of his features and so obviously didn’t notice how they had the same shaped eyebrows and bottom lip. Her hairline was the same, too, and the shape of her ear. Tansy wanted to touch her, but she didn’t dare wake her up. It was enough to look at that angelic face and know that Bobby lived in her.
She didn’t see Bay watching her from the doorway.
In the morning, Tansy pretended Ashley was anyone’s little girl. It was the only way she could get through it. Fortunately, a three-year-old is entertaining around Christmas presents, so there was a lot of laughter as she opened her gifts. Ashley insisted on sticking the gift bows on her nightgown and soon she was covered from head to toe. That provided more fun than anything, until she got the rocking horse from her nana.
It gave Tansy a small stab of satisfaction when Ashley spent more time looking at the picture books she’d bought than with the doll Bay gave her. But she wasn’t prepared when Ashley came over with a book and plunked herself on Tansy’s lap while she sat cross-legged on the floor.
“Read.”
They went through the storybook, but the entire time Tansy was only aware of the smell of Ashley’s hair and how delightfully solid she felt in her arms. She’d imagined little girls were light and airy when you picked them up. But Ashley took up space. Tansy felt her legs get tired with the weight of her when Ashley insisted on her reading the book again.
Tansy looked up at one point and noticed that both her mother and sister had left the room. Whether that was for their benefit or hers, she didn’t know.
She tried to pay attention to every detail of how this felt so that when she left she could replay this moment over and over. At one point she bent down and laid her cheek on the top of Ashley’s head.
Ashley wiggled and brushed her away with her hand. “Don’t.”
That was a thrill. Ashley was a person, not a doll. It was nice to know that her daughter liked what she liked and knew what she didn’t. Good for her. She had her mother’s spunk.
Christmas dinner also turned out to be a complete surprise. Tansy imagined she wouldn’t be able to eat, but she ate non-stop. She hadn’t tasted her mother’s cooking for a long time and that was a hole that needed filling. Her mom was delighted to see her shovel it in.
“You’re too thin,” Mom said. “Do you ever cook a decent meal for yourself?”
“What do you think?” she said with her mouth full.
Mom tsked. “You have to promise me that you’ll take better care of yourself.”
“I promise.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“You shouldn’t.”
“Oh, you!”
Ashley fell asleep at the table, with her messy bib still on, her head over to one side, and a piece of cookie in her hand.
“She’s exhausted,” her nana said.
Bay got out of her chair. “I’ll put her to bed.”
“No. I will.”
Bay and Mom looked at her.
“If you don’t mind?”
They rushed to say they didn’t mind at all, but it wouldn’t have mattered because Tansy was going to do it anyway. She wanted that heaviness against her again. The last time she’d held her daughter in her arms Ashley had weighed six and a half pounds. Now there were three years of life stuffed into those dimpled cheeks and knees.
Tansy picked her up as if she’d been doing it all her life. Ashley’s head fell against her shoulder and the bib covered with bits of mashed potato and gravy adhered to Tansy’s silk blouse. Tansy took her time going upstairs and once she was in Ashley’s room she stood and swayed back and forth, drinking in her little body as she hugged her tight. She hummed the song that her mother used to sing to her at bedtime. She hadn’t thought of that song in twenty years, but instantly it appeared from the deep recesses of her mind. Is this what all mothers felt or was it just her? Had leaving Ashley behind caused this exquisite, torturous love? Was it magnified a hundredfold because they weren’t together?
All Tansy knew as Ashley’s heart beat against her own was that this little girl was meant to be and Tansy was her mother.
The next day Mom asked if she was
going to visit her father’s grave. Tansy knew she was expected to. It was one thing not to visit a cemetery after a death because of profound grief. It was another to completely ignore the deceased for years.
Mom said she’d watch Ashley if Bay wanted to go too. Tansy was aware of what her mom was doing. She wanted her daughters to spend time alone together in the middle of nowhere. Did she think they’d scream and yell at each other, that they’d have “the talk”? The one that made it all better, made everyone behave as they should? The look on Bay’s face suggested she’d rather not do it either, but a mother’s gift for instilling guilt is a powerful thing and they both knew they had to obey.
Their mother happened to have a Christmas arrangement all ready to take up there. Of course she did. They put on their coats and boots and both of them turned around when Ashley yelled, “Bye, Mommy!” before she ran back into the living room to watch cartoons.
The cemetery was in a secluded spot, which was nice. There was nothing worse than trying to visit a loved one when the whole town could see you from the highway. They got out of the car and Bay led the way to their father’s plot. Tansy kept her eyes averted from Bobby’s grave a little further on.
Bay knelt and placed the artfully arranged bowl of cedar, evergreen, holly berries, and pine cones snug against the marker while Tansy watched. When she stood up she brushed the snow from her mitts.
“That looks nice,” she said.
“Very. But wasn’t Dad allergic to cedar?”
“Only if he touched it.”
“Oh, that’s all right, then.”
They tried not to laugh because you’re not supposed to crack up standing over people’s graves, but the harder they tried, the worse it got, and when Bay snorted that did them in.
Bay put her arms around her sister. “Oh God, I’ve missed you. You have no idea how much.”
“I’ve missed you too.”
They looked at their father’s grave with their arms around each other.
“I miss Dad,” Tansy sighed, “even if he was an old crank most of the time.”
“He wasn’t cranky all the time.”
Tansy laughed. “He was around me. No wonder. I wore him out with all my nonsense.”
“Remember that time he hauled you out of the back seat of that car?”
“How can I forget? Whenever I walked down the street after that Donnie Murphy would run the other way.”
“You were with Donnie that night? He was good looking.”
They stopped talking. The silence was acute in this remote place. Their breath mingled in the cold air in front of them. Tansy waited for it.
“Tansy, I have to ask you something now that we’re alone. Are you staying away from us because you resent me raising your daughter?”
Tansy looked away before she faced her sister. “It’s hard, Bay. Everything is hard. I come back here and I see the mistakes I’ve made in my life. I was never truly happy here. I find it physically painful to look out at the water…the water that took Dad’s life and Bobby’s life.”
“But you forget, Dad and Bobby loved being on the water. It was their home.”
“I wish I could see it like that. Maybe someday I will, but not now.”
“Tansy, I never would’ve gone along with this if I’d known I was going to lose you in the process.”
Tansy took her hands. “Whether I stay or whether I go, you’ll never lose me. My leaving wasn’t your fault. Don’t ever think that.”
They spent a quiet evening together. It was subdued; the thought of saying goodbye in the morning was hard for them. Fortunately Ashley was in rare form and entertained them with her antics. She said she was a bumblebee and she wanted them to be the flowers. She buzzed all over the living room and flitted from one to the other, pretending to gather pollen. She laughed so much she had a hard time buzzing, and by the time she got to Tansy, she jumped in her lap, put her chubby little arms around her, and nuzzled into her neck.
Tansy put her arms around her, whereupon Ashley lifted her head, put her hands on Tansy’s cheeks, and said, “I love you.”
“And I love…” Tansy closed her eyes and whispered, “Take her. Take her.”
Bay rushed over and lifted Ashley out of Tansy’s arms. “Let’s go get an animal cracker.” She whisked her out of the room.
Tansy felt rather than saw her mother approach. “Don’t. Leave me.”
Her mother hesitated before doing what she asked. The minute she was gone Tansy ran upstairs and hid in the bathroom.
Tansy knew what she had to do. She called a cab company when the other two were upstairs putting Ashley to bed and told them to wait at the end of the street at two in the morning. She made sure they knew to wait for her, as it might not be exactly two o’clock. They said they would.
Her bags were already packed in anticipation of tomorrow’s flight. When Bay was in the tub and Mom was downstairs locking up, Tansy quickly went into Ashley’s room and grabbed a few outfits and her snowsuit. She wouldn’t be able to put it on her until she was in the cab. Her mom was walking up the stairs when she realized she needed the duck. It was by the bed. Tansy ran and grabbed it just in time to disappear into Bay’s room before Mom got to the top of the stairs. She stuffed everything in the carryall she’d brought full of Christmas presents, now given away.
She and Bay said goodnight and talked a little in the dark, but finally fell silent. It was torture waiting. Was Bay really asleep or was she lying there worrying about tomorrow? At 1:45 she heard Bay talk in her sleep, like she did as a kid. She obviously never outgrew it.
Tansy took off her nightgown. She was dressed underneath; her wallet was in her pocket. She’d brought her boots up earlier and hidden them under the bed. Her coat was still downstairs, but she’d grab it on the way out and put that on in the cab too. At least Ashley slept like a log once she was asleep.
She picked up the two bags and slipped out of Bay’s bedroom, leaving the luggage on the landing. Opening the door to Ashley’s room ever so slowly, she tiptoed in and didn’t hesitate. She picked her baby up in her arms and wrapped a small quilt around her body. Then, holding Ashley with one arm, she grabbed the two bags with the other hand and ran downstairs as fast as she dared. She hurried down the hall into the kitchen.
The light came on when she was halfway across the kitchen floor.
The shock of it stopped her in her tracks. She blinked and out of the corner of her eye saw her mother sitting at the kitchen table, next to the light switch.
They stared at each other.
“Put her down.”
“No.”
“Put her down, Tansy. She’s not yours.”
“She is mine. She’s mine.”
“You gave away the right to have her when you agreed Bay would bring her up.”
Ashley and the bags became unbearably heavy. She hitched her daughter up onto her shoulder a little higher. “I’m not letting her go.”
“I’m not a stupid woman and neither are you. You knew Bobby was drunk and people are capable of doing anything when they’re drunk. He’s dead and I still want to wring his neck for being so weak-minded and foolish. But what’s your excuse, Tansy? You were stone sober. You went down there deliberately to crawl into his bed and have him cheat on your sister.”
“That’s not true! I didn’t want him to cheat on her. Bobby had feelings for me too.”
“At seventeen a lot of girls mistake sex for love.”
“I met him first. He was mine first.”
“You sound like a child.”
Tansy took a deep breath. “I’m not anymore. I’m a woman who has a child, and this child belongs to me.”
“We were going to do this together and then you changed the rules.”
“How did I know I’d go out of my mind without her?” Tansy hissed. “I didn’t know what having a baby was. I didn’t know you loved them so much that you’d die without them. No one told me that!”
Her mother stood. “That�
�s why I did what I did! I went crazy trying to think of what would be fair to both my girls. You put me in an impossible situation, Tansy. This is your fault. You have to accept the consequences of your actions. If you’re an adult then act like one.”
Tansy had to put the bags down. It was easier to hold Ashley with two arms. “I’ve been acting out of guilt this entire time. But being with her, hearing her laugh, watching her play, has changed everything. I should’ve kept my mouth shut and denied she was Bobby’s until I was blue in the face. Then she’d be with me and no one could take her away. But no, instead you made me feel like a criminal. You accused me of stealing my sister’s child.”
“And you did.”
“And then she stole her right back! And what’s worse, I agreed to it. Like a little robot I said go ahead, take her. Well, I don’t agree with that anymore.”
Tansy picked up her bags and left the kitchen. She almost made it to the back door when her mother grabbed her.
“If you love your daughter as much as you say you do, you’ll give her to me. Not for my sake, or even your sister’s, but for Ashley’s. She’s a little girl who’s only known Bay as her mother. I’m her nana. She lives with us in this house. She plays with the little boy up the street. She likes to go to the corner store and buy popsicles. She has a life here. Can you imagine the horror of waking up in a cab being hustled onto a plane and flown two thousand miles from everything she’s ever known? What kind of mother would do that?”