by Lesley Crewe
“You started this, Mom. I knew somewhere deep down inside that I couldn’t handle seeing her in person and that’s why I stayed away, but you couldn’t leave it alone, could you? It was you who bribed me to come here, with your guilt and your money and your love!”
Her mother held her hand over her mouth, shaking her head.
“I’ll never forgive you for this. I will never see you again. I will never come back here. I can’t. I can’t.”
“No!”
Tansy put her mouth up to Ashley’s ear and whispered, “Mommy will always love you. Please remember that. Know that I wanted you. And know that I loved your daddy.”
Tansy pushed her daughter into her mother’s arms and ran out of the house.
CHAPTER TWENTY
2000
By the time Tansy finished pouring her heart out, the tea was gone. Gertie drank the three mugs herself and finished off the bottle of brandy to boot. She wasn’t sure if her colossal headache was from the confession or the booze. She had a feeling it was the confession.
There wasn’t a lot to say. Well, there was, but where did she start?
Tansy still looked as if Gertie could blow her away with one breath, but she at least seemed more at peace. They sat together for a good ten minutes in total silence while Gertie gathered her thoughts.
At last Gertie spoke. “At least now I understand why you never came to visit. I couldn’t wrap my head around that. I disliked you for a lot of years because of it. I saw what Bay went through without you and how much she missed you.”
“You had every right to dislike me. My only consolation was that you were here for Bay. You’ve always been her other sister and I’ll always love you for that.”
“I’m the lucky one,” Gertie smiled. “Your mom and sister and even you, with your swift kick, saved my life in more ways than one. I didn’t have a close family like you guys, but from the day Bay took me home for cookies, it’s like I never left this house. I owe that stupid Bradley kid a thank you.”
A wave of exhaustion hit Gertie. She needed to go.
“Listen to me, Tansy. I want you to go upstairs and get some sleep. There’s no need for you to talk to Bay at all tonight. I hope to God she’s fallen asleep up there. I’ve told Ashley that when the time comes for her to leave the hospital she can come home with me. I think that would be best for all of you. She needs time to come to terms with this, but she also needs to stay calm for the baby, and I don’t think her coming back here at this point would help any of you.”
“No, you’re right.”
“I also don’t want either of you to visit her in the hospital, for precisely the same reasons. It’ll be hard but I have to insist. I saw the state of her and I think that’s best. I’ll visit her and let you know how she is. I want you to tell Bay that in the morning.”
“Of course.”
“Don’t say anything to her about what you’ve told me tonight until I come over. It’s going to be ugly. There’s no way around it. But I think this wound has festered long enough, and the sooner the truth comes to light the better off we’ll be. I’m here for both of you. I will help in any way I can. I promise.”
Tansy whispered, “Thank you.”
Gertie got up from the table, which wasn’t an easy task. She was as stiff as a board and her head pounded. Tansy stood as well and they hugged each other before Tansy walked upstairs and Gertie let herself out.
Once she got in the car and sat for a minute, a thought occurred to her. “Aw, shit.” She couldn’t drive the car with all that booze in her system. So she struggled out of the front seat, took the old blanket she kept in the trunk, and wrapped it around her coat because it was flippin’ freezing out. Then she proceeded to walk home in the dark.
Turned out it was the best thing she could’ve done. As she trudged along the streets of Louisbourg, she listened to the sounds of the town as it slept, the solitary swish of a car going by, a dog barking in the distance, and the foghorn as it pierced the night with its mournful cry. She thought of the people who were now her family. They had suffered such loss, each of them in their own way, and yet Gertie knew that they loved each other deeply. It was her job in the coming days and weeks to make sure they remembered that.
But she needed help.
Gertie was worn out by the time she reached home. Jeffrey was there by the door as he always was when he heard the key in the lock. When she picked him up and held him close, he licked her cheek with his rough tongue.
“Hey, buddy. I bet you’re hungry.”
She took him into the kitchen and cleaned out his water and food dish and replenished them both with fresh supplies. Then she walked into her bedroom and picked up the phone. She knew it was the middle of the night and that was the part that made her happy. Peter wouldn’t mind. She lay back on her bed as the phone rang in her ear.
“Hello,” a sleepy voice said.
“Hello.”
“Hey, beautiful.” She heard the smile in his voice.
“I’m sorry I woke you.”
“No problem. You okay?”
“Yes and no.”
“Anything I can do to help?”
“Pray for my family.”
When Bay awoke the next morning it felt like a normal day, but only for a moment. A ton of bricks quickly buried her alive as she lay there. She wondered how she’d get up, but then remembered that Ashley was lying in a hospital bed. Even though Ashley might not want to see her, Bay needed to be at the hospital.
When she went to take a shower she noticed Tansy’s bedroom door was still closed. She wondered if she was sleeping. The hot water, as it pounded on her skin, reminded her that she was still alive but could do nothing about the numbness around her heart.
When she went downstairs she was surprised to see the kitchen table set. Tansy was at the stove and the smell of coffee filled the air.
“What are you doing?”
Tansy turned at the sound of her voice. “Hi. Would you like some oatmeal?”
“Oatmeal? I can’t have oatmeal. I have to get to the hospital.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Excuse me?”
Tansy pointed at a kitchen chair. “Sit.”
“Why are you acting like Betty Crocker? Do you not remember what happened yesterday?”
“That’s precisely why I think we need Mom with us this morning. Now sit.”
Bay opened her mouth to argue, but Tansy gave her a look, so she sat. Then she put a bowl of oatmeal in front of her, gave her the brown sugar, and scooped a bowl of oatmeal for herself. She also poured them both a coffee. It was only when she sat down with the cream and picked up her spoon that she looked at Bay.
“Eat the whole bowl. Then I’ll tell you what Gertie wants us to do.”
They ate in silence. When they were done Tansy picked up both their bowls and took them to the sink.
“Now what are you doing?”
“Mom always told me to put some water in the bowls as soon as I was finished so it wouldn’t stick. Makes it easier to wash up.”
“Fine. Now will you tell me what Gertie said?”
Tansy sat back down. “She said we’re both to stay away from Ashley until she tells us otherwise.”
Bay’s mouth dropped open. “What?”
“That’s what she said. She insisted upon it.”
“But…”
“Think about it. Ashley was in such a state because of us that she almost gave birth six weeks early. That’s why she’s going home with Gertie when she gets out of the hospital. Ashley doesn’t want to see either of us, and Gertie feels this will give her a chance to come to terms with what’s happened. She’s doing it for our benefit too. Gertie loves Ashley and us, so she’s the best one to broker this deal. She’ll let us know on a daily or even hourly basis how Ashley is doing. So the best thing we can do is stay here and wait until our child wants to see us again.”
Bay didn’t say anything.
“You know she’s ri
ght.”
“I know she’s right,” Bay sighed. “Thank God for her. But I still feel like a big fat failure. I should be in that hospital room holding Ashley’s hand, but what am I doing? Eating oatmeal with you.”
“Mom would be happy.”
“I wish Mom was here.”
“Me too.”
Bay got up from the table so quickly she spilled her coffee. “That’s bullshit! If you missed Mom so much, why did you break her heart by never coming to see her?”
Tansy stayed quiet.
“And while we’re on the subject, there’s something I always wanted to know but was too afraid to ask. Why did you leave that night instead of next morning like you were supposed to? Who leaves for the airport eight hours ahead of time with no luggage?”
“What did Mom tell you?”
“That you were upset, so you left.”
“She was right.”
Bay sat at the table again and crossed her arms. “So upset that you didn’t say goodbye to me and stayed away for fifteen years?”
“Yes.”
“And then to rub salt in the wound you decided not to come for Mom’s funeral.”
Again Tansy didn’t answer her.
“What in the name of God was so bad that your only recourse was to leave us behind forever?”
“I can’t explain that right now. I will. I just can’t do it this minute.”
“Why not? We’ve got nothing else to do for the next few days or weeks or months or however long it takes for Ashley to stop hating us.”
“Mom and I argued, okay? I said things to her that I shouldn’t have said. I couldn’t come back for her funeral because of my never-ending guilt about it.”
“Again, it’s all about you. Your guilt. You didn’t give a thought to how it felt for Ashley and I to stand at her grave alone and say goodbye to her?”
Now it was Tansy’s turn to get up from the table. She paced the floor. “Of course I thought about it! I thought about nothing else. But I worried that I’d make the situation unbearable if I showed up.”
“What?”
“I didn’t come to see her when she was alive but I suddenly show up when she’s dead, when it didn’t matter anymore?”
“Well, Mom was past caring, but we weren’t.”
“I was wrong. I see that now. I’m sorry.”
“It’s too late, isn’t it?”
When Tansy didn’t say anything, Bay pressed on. “While we’re on the subject of coming and going, why did you come back now? Did someone throw you out or did you suddenly remember you had a sister?”
Tansy laughed. “Wow, you’re good. Both answers are correct, actually. I knew Ashley would graduate from high school in June and maybe leave home. I also knew you’d be horribly lonely without her, and since I’m intimately acquainted with how that feels…”
Bay jumped up. “Then why in the name of God did you give her to me? I asked you when you came home that year if you were staying away because I was raising your daughter and you gave me some generic response that didn’t answer the question. Why did you lie to me? When you were seventeen, you sat here at this kitchen table and told me that you didn’t want the baby. You didn’t want her. I said you hadn’t thought it through, that maybe it would be too hard, and you said it would be better than giving her away to a stranger. I thought I was helping you and instead you hate me for it. You’ve stayed away all these years because you can’t stand the fact I’m her mother and you’re not!”
“You’re right. I can’t stand the thought of it! I’ve never been able to come to terms with it. I wanted her from the moment I knew I was carrying her. That’s why I left that night. I was taking Ashley with me. I went into her room and grabbed her while she slept. I had my bags ready and a taxi waiting. I was almost out the door when Mom stopped me. She waited for me in the dark. She told me to put Ashley down, that you were the only mother Ashley knew and if I loved my daughter I wouldn’t take her away from you. Well, I love my daughter, so I gave her back, but I told Mom that I would never forgive her and I’d never see her again. So now you know why I couldn’t come back here. Are you happy now?”
Tansy rushed out of the kitchen and went upstairs to her room. Last night Gertie had told her to wait until she was there. To be around Bay was dangerous, so Tansy needed to get away from her. If she stayed out of sight and waited in her room until Gertie came over, she’d be safe.
Bay came to her instead.
She opened the door without knocking. “None of this makes any sense. Even twenty years ago an unwed mother wasn’t a criminal offense. Sure, Mom would’ve had to deal with some gossip, and it might have hurt her, but it wouldn’t have killed her. So if you knew you wanted this baby so badly why didn’t you tell us? We could’ve helped you raise her. Then we’d have spent our whole lives together instead of living apart. We lost Dad and Bobby. We only had each other left and because of shame or pride or whatever your motivation was, we ended up living separate lives. It didn’t have to happen, Tansy. None of this had to happen!”
Tansy looked at her. “Yes, it did.”
“Why?”
“Because Ashley is Bobby’s daughter and Mom knew that.”
It was done. It was out. It was over.
Bay had to reach out her hand to steady herself against the closet door. Her face was devoid of emotion, as pale and lifeless as a mannequin in a store window. She had trouble staying on her feet. Tansy reached for her but Bay held her off. She kept her hand in front of her to ward her sister away. With the other hand she felt the wall behind her and took unsteady backward steps out of Tansy’s room and into the hall, before she lurched forward and managed to make it to her bedroom. She closed the door.
There was no sound from behind it.
Tansy ran downstairs, picked up the phone, and called Gertie.
“She knows,” Tansy whispered.
“I told you not to tell her!”
“It happened. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Please come.”
“I’ll be right there.”
Tansy threw the phone down and ran to the porch. Poor old Merlin thought he was going for a walk but Tansy didn’t even see him. She opened the back door and ran outside with no coat or gloves on. It was a bitterly cold day, but she didn’t feel it, nor was she aware of the neighbour’s kids in ski jackets and hats waiting for the school bus. They looked at her like she was nuts. She didn’t see cars pass by or the milk truck lumber down the road. Some people stopped and watched her and many wondered if she needed help, but she was gone before they could ask her.
She finally arrived at her destination and pounded on the door. She pounded until he opened it.
“I need a car.”
Peter had listened to the whole sad story over the phone the night before. By the end of it he knew Gertie was exhausted so he insisted she put down the phone and try and get some sleep, but she worried about who she should deal with first thing in the morning. She wanted to check on Ashley but knew that Tansy and Bay were in a powder-keg situation over at their house. One thing she did know was that she had to take time off work.
Peter solved her dilemma. He told her that since he was recuperating, it was just as easy for him to sit in a chair at the hospital as sit in a chair at home, and he’d go over in the morning by taxi and stay with Ashley. He also knew Michael would be at the hospital so he’d get him to check in on her too. Would that make her feel better?
Gertie had enough energy to tell him she loved him before she began to snore. He had to shout her name and tell her to put down the phone. She did, badly. It sounded like three or four tries before she actually hung up the receiver.
Peter’s leg was healing well and life was much easier now that he had a walking cast on, but it was still a major ordeal to get himself ready in the morning. Thank goodness he lived with his mother. Dorothy was a tremendous help while he was in this blasted cast.
Not that he’d always lived with her. Peter had a very nice apartment at o
ne time, one that wasn’t too far away from the university where he worked, but when his father had died, Dorothy found it a bit overwhelming to manage the large home they’d lived in on Whitney Avenue in Sydney. It made sense for Peter to move in for a while. Neither one thought it would be a permanent arrangement, maybe a year or so, but they found they enjoyed each other’s company and never got in each other’s hair. Dorothy wasn’t a woman who stayed at home picking up Peter’s underwear. She had a large circle of friends and did lots of charity work, and she was the one out gallivanting with her cronies in the evening while Peter stayed at home with his computer and his books.
And much to Peter’s delight, his mother thought Gertie was quite a gal. They liked each other instantly. So when Peter mentioned that he was going to the hospital for the day to help Gertie with her little friend Ashley, she immediately packed up a nutritious lunch for them both.
Dorothy also passed him a pile of magazines. “Pixie brought these over to donate to the hospital anyway, so Ashley might as well read them. Pixie says they’re her granddaughter’s so I imagine this is the stuff teenagers like to read.” She picked up a Seventeen magazine. “Look here, articles on how to be sexy, look sexy, and have sexy boys look at you. It’ll be right up her alley if she’s a normal teenager.”
“Ashley’s having a baby, so I think she’s got that covered.”
“Oh dear, poor little mite. Is her family behind her? So many aren’t and it’s such a shame.”
Peter did up his jacket. “She’s got a lovely family, but they’re in crisis mode right now, so Gertie’s taking over for the moment.”
“Well, if Gertie’s there, then I don’t have to worry. That girl is the salt of the earth.”
Peter grinned. “She is, isn’t she?”
Dorothy kissed his cheek. “And you’re the pepper.”
His mother wanted to drive him to the hospital, but he said he’d be fine. He knew she had a meeting down at the Every Woman’s Centre and he didn’t want her to be late. The taxi arrived and he had a bit of a job getting in and out of it, but he managed. He put the lunch, the magazines, some books, and a pack of cards in a backpack so his hands were free.