Once we moved to Utah, things began to look up. We were happy parenting and working. It was during this period that Kody and I began to discover each other. Now that things had settled down, we had the space and the freedom to get to know each other in a deeper and more spiritual sense. We were also able to start having fun—something that was essentially missing during the first year and a half of our marriage. We loved spending time with Aspyn. We marveled over how special she was to us. We spent hours playing with her, guessing at the challenges we’d face as parents. We often discussed all the kids we wanted to have together. We got to know each other by sharing the dreams we had for our children’s futures. Talking about the family we wanted really cemented our bond and made us remember the love that was the foundation of our marriage.
A year after we returned to Utah, both Janelle and I had our second children, Madison and Mykelti. Suddenly there were five kids in diapers in one house. You would have thought that the chaos would have been too much for us, but the joy of our growing family trumped any domestic issues.
What really brought us together and made us more functional is that not long after we moved to Utah, Kody finally found a job he enjoyed. Kody’s new position required him to attend trade shows, one of which was in Nauvoo, Illinois. This trip would require him to be on the road for two weeks, towing his trailer with his materials and displays. Both Meri and Janelle had been on trips with Kody, but I’d never had the opportunity. When Kody asked me to go, I was over the moon. He could have taken anyone and he took me! I suddenly felt special again.
This trip was a huge turning point in our relationship. It was the first time we had spent so much time alone together—just us and our daughters, Aspyn and Mykelti. In many ways the trip was a disaster—the car overheated, we had to keep the kids cool by feeding them ice chips. We broke down numerous times. But these hardships only brought Kody and me closer together. No matter how difficult things became, I was prepared to sing songs of joy the entire way. I loved every minute of the adventure at Kody’s side. Although our drive was similar to pulling a handcart through the desert, I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face. I think Kody really dug my positive attitude. Every time I glanced at him, he looked so cute and sweet. Instead of suffering in the heat, he was beaming.
I had loved Kody since before we were married. I suspected that he had been falling in love with me for years. But on that trip is when Kody finally and irrefutably decided that he would step in front of a train for me—which is what he told me when we returned home. That trip was our true honeymoon experience. We had come so far since our “official honeymoon” when I worried that I’d married too quickly to a seemingly distant man I loved but didn’t really know. Now I was certain that we were soul mates.
At the end of the trip, we turned to each other and said, “I know that I can trust you to be an amazing and incredible person for the rest of our lives together. I know that I will always be there for you and do everything possible to make things better for you.” This was our commitment to each other. We both knew then that if and when disaster should strike, we would hold each other and look into each other’s eyes and tell each other that we are glad for every second we spent together.
For many years, I felt that our lives were perfect. I loved being part of the family. I loved homeschooling the kids and taking care of the household. I received all the benefits that I’d expected from a plural marriage.
My other mothers had provided so much for me when I was growing up that the prospect of raising many, many kids together was precisely what I had in mind when I accepted the principle. For more than a decade, I had two best friends with whom I had the pleasure of rearing a wonderful household of children.
In many ways, I feel that I kept the household running by taking care of so many of the practical affairs. For years, I enjoyed this position. I loved being the primary stay-at-home mom. I cooked and cleaned. I had a garden and I canned. Since both Meri and Janelle worked, if Kody had a problem, something that needed to be done or fixed, I took care of it.
I prided myself in being there for everyone all the time. I tried to make sure that all the holidays and birthdays were special. Whenever we had family functions, my house had to be perfect, the food had to be perfect. I needed to create the ideal environment for what I believe is our perfect family.
While I was doing all of this, I began to teach at our church school part-time. Then I joined the board of the Sunday school and taught a Sunday school class. I also became an academic adviser. The church and the home are the most important places in our lives, and I needed them to be perfect, too.
Then one day I realized I was overwhelmed, too stressed out by all that I’d taken on. I hadn’t noticed, but for a while I’d been unable to give 100 percent to anything I did. Unintentionally, I’d started letting everything slip.
Around this time, Kody and I decided to have another baby. I realized that I could stop holding everything together and do the one thing I always wanted to do—be the best mom possible. My kids are the most important thing in my life and I know that I would never be comfortable if I wasn’t completely there for them.
During my pregnancy, I decided to give up all nonmaternal duties. I stopped teaching. I told my family I was very stressed out and needed to take some time off from everything but being a mom. For nearly fifteen years, I’d devoted myself single-mindedly to preserving everyone else’s happiness, but now I needed to restore mine.
There was another factor that led to this drastic reconfiguration of my place in the household. About a year before I became pregnant with Truely, I had a devastating argument with Meri. For a while, I’d been feeling that she was too tough on my kids. While I understand that all children need discipline, I often felt that she went too far when it came to my children. It seemed to me that she was taking her frustrations out on my kids in particular. As a result of this, many of them were wary of her and were afraid to cross her accidentally.
I let this situation go on too long, and I let my emotions well up. Instead of talking to Meri calmly and explaining what I’d observed her doing and how she might fix her behavior, I exploded. I yelled and screamed and told her to stop talking to my kids and to stop interfering in their lives. Since I’m afraid of confrontation, I always allow stuff to build up till it’s too late. So instead of trying to work it out with Meri, I just shut her out.
This argument shattered my world and made me realize that I have always had superficial relationships with people. I’ve always tried to ignore problems by putting on a brave face and keeping people at a distance. This fight made me realize that I’d never honestly opened up to Meri and Janelle, but had forged our friendships out of a need to cement the sister wife ideal I’d envisioned.
After our fight, Meri and I stayed out of each other’s way. We no longer sought out each other’s company to watch movies or just hang out. When circumstances brought us together, we were never openly rude or hostile. We maintained a level of cordiality. But the warmth was gone.
To this day, we are still working on becoming closer again. It has been a slow process of starting to feel comfortable being open and honest with each other. We have had to learn how to immediately tell one another if we feel offended by something. We still do not have the wonderfully close relationship we used to share. I know we will continue working on it though. My relationship with Meri is very important to me. I’m certain she feels the same way about me.
After my fight with Meri, I realized that the only people I’d ever let in were my mother and Kody. My mother broke my heart by divorcing my father and leaving our faith. About a year after the argument, we met Robyn, and even though I welcomed her into my family, it shook my foundation and left me unsure of whether I could trust Kody’s commitment to our marriage.
The four of us—Meri, Janelle, Kody, and I—had been a nearly perfect unit for almost sixteen years of near absolute bliss. Over that time, there had been minor discussions of potential cour
tships, but nothing ever came of it.
I had grown used to being the last wife. I loved being the last wife. Kody and I had a tremendous relationship. He was my best friend and my closest confidant. Since Meri, Janelle, and I all served entirely unique functions in Kody’s life, I had never had cause to be jealous of his relationships with my sister wives. (My fights with them never had anything to do with Kody.) I knew that Kody’s relationships with both of them were great. And I knew that what I brought to him and to the family was different from any other wife. I was entirely secure and at peace regarding my marriage and my importance in Kody’s world. Jealousy had simply never, ever been part of my life. But when a fourth woman entered the picture, this changed.
Growing up polygamous, I’d watched other women go through the experience of getting new sister wives. I never understood their jealous reactions. Whenever they complained about the domestic upheaval caused by a new wife, I wanted to tell them, “It’s all part of the principle. You’re just being a baby,” or, “Feeling jealous is a choice. You are choosing to be jealous. Get over yourself.” I should have listened to my own counsel! I didn’t understand how hard it could be.
I really feel that I owe Robyn an apology. In many ways, I betrayed her. Before she and Kody were courting, I was really enthusiastic about her and I wanted her to love our family—and to love me. I went out of my way to show her our best side. The first time Robyn came over to our house, I made sure we had a big meal ready. I put as much effort as I could into welcoming Robyn with open arms. We have such a wonderful family, and I wanted to ensure that she had no choice but to fall for all us.
However, when she and Kody courted and married, I was no longer the sweet person Robyn first met. The loving sister wife I’d initially promised her disappeared. I feel guilty for offering something to Robyn I couldn’t provide. I felt as if I’d lied to her. If I did, it was through no fault of Robyn’s but entirely due to my own problems. I feel blessed in knowing that Robyn is generous enough to forgive me.
Kody and Robyn’s courtship came at a time of huge personal upheaval. I was pregnant with Truely, and we had also entered new and uncharted territory as we began filming Sister Wives for TLC. When Kody started courting and then married Robyn it really rocked me. I gave birth to Truely and was suffering from extreme postpartum depression. I never thought I’d feel such a sense of loss and such crippling jealousy. I thought I was better and stronger than that. I really did.
The strangest thing is that I had a stronger testimony that Robyn should be part of our family than I ever did about whether I should marry Kody myself. I was certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that marrying Robyn was the right thing to do. I recognized immediately what an awesome, special, and wonderful person she was. She belonged in our lives. I knew that she and Kody deserved each other. And this is what made it so hard.
Despite my testimony that Kody courting Robyn was the right thing to do, I could not curtail my own insecurity that Kody was abandoning me for someone else. The undeniable fact about our lifestyle is that no matter how strongly committed to it you are and how much you long for sister wives, it is difficult to keep your petty jealousies in check. It was apparent that Kody and Robyn shared a destiny—but I couldn’t help but feel that this might marginalize my place in Kody’s life.
If Robyn had been a lesser woman—not as emotionally and spiritually intelligent, not as strong or as generous—I might not have been threatened by her. As ungenerous as it is to say, I could have, at least in part, disregarded her. But Kody didn’t deserve a “lesser” woman. And I never would have allowed him to marry someone who wasn’t as wonderful as Robyn.
During Robyn and Kody’s courtship, it was evident to me how wonderful she and Kody were together and how much in love they were. I felt abandoned by my best friend and as if, once more, I’d lost my identity. I couldn’t see myself as Kody’s wife. Instead, I felt inconsequential, as if I’d been pushed to the side. It’s a horrible feeling when you let someone in, allow him to become the most important person in your world, and then he replaces you. When this happened, I began to demand more of Kody, which was hard for him. He had started courting Robyn, so he had less to give me. Or at least that’s what it felt like. Never-theless, despite my own hurt, I have to hand it to Kody. When it comes to bringing in other wives and making everyone feel safe and secure with the transition, he has done a superb job.
During Kody’s courtship of and marriage to Robyn, I felt that I needed more from him than he was giving me. He couldn’t love me enough or spend enough time with me. Nothing he did satisfied me. I was so panicked about being neglected that I wanted more, more, more. I nagged and nitpicked. I felt it was his responsibility to do all the heavy lifting in our relationship.
I have to admit that during that period, I wasn’t a lot of fun to be around. Eventually, Kody had enough. I was venting to him once about some way in which I felt I was being shortchanged, and he just looked at me and said, “I just want my best friend back. I need you. I miss you and want you back.” There were tears in his eyes.
When I realized he wasn’t saying it to be hurtful (which, by the way, was totally stupid to think!), I began to change, and to take the advice I’d so blithely given other women living plural marriage.
During the period I was taking out my own unhappiness and insecurity on Kody, I learned a lot from my kids. Kids being kids, they can whine and complain. They can nitpick and pester me about the smallest, most inconsequential thing. When they test me to the max, I can no longer deal with being around them. So I send them to their rooms. Suddenly, I realized that what my kids were doing to me, I was doing to Kody. I needed to stop harassing him and making demands on him. I had to let myself love him and let him love me. I, too, wanted my best friend back.
It’s been a big change for me from being the person people could rely on for holidays and family meals to becoming the dependent one. During my struggles with postpartum depression and my own issues with making room for a new wife, I had to ask my sister wives to take over some of my duties—to organize family meals and trips, take care of the little kids during the day. I needed to lean on them while I rebuilt my own inner strength. Meri and I have gone a long way toward repairing our relationship. We have been traveling together, and I believe that we are back on track. But still, I’m hurting.
I’ve been very frank with Meri, Janelle, Robyn, and Kody about where I stand emotionally. I let them know what I need from them and what I can and cannot do. I recognize that they are always there for me, and everyone is supporting me now. I need their patience and their understanding. I will get through this, but I need time. I am lucky to have a wonderful, supportive husband.
As our family has become more settled, Kody has been more available to us as a group, taking on a leadership role in the day-to-day concerns that were once my chosen obligations. In many ways, this is more appropriate. He’s made this transition wonderfully, which speaks to the amazing emotional maturity he’s achieved over the years. I think he gets overwhelmed a little quicker than I used to, but he’s learned to listen to all of us, to take our needs and problems into consideration, and then to apply them to the overall picture. I’m very happy to take a backseat while he does this.
Although Kody is a stronger man than he’s ever been and grows more and more reliable every day, I feel a lack of stability in our own relationship. I can only blame myself and my insecurities for this. I will get through this only when I’ve strengthened my relationship with God. This will return my confidence to me. Then all of the jealousy will vanish and everything will fall into place.
I know that this will happen, because our family is incredibly strong. I’ve seen a lot of polygamous families in my life, and ours is the bomb! My own insecurities pale in comparison to our collective strength.
In the long run, I know my struggles are temporary. I have an amazing husband who is my best friend, and I have three truly incredible sister wives. Although there have been some
rough periods, I never dreamed that it would be this great. Of all the examples of plural families I’ve seen, ours is truly the best.
Chapter Eight
ROBYN
When Kody and I got engaged, we didn’t have enough money to get married or to help me move from southern Utah to Lehi. Janelle offered to let me move in with her, but I was desperate to avoid this situation. I needed time to explore my relationship with Kody. This would have been impossible living under the same roof as another wife. It wouldn’t have been easy on anyone. I don’t believe Kody would have been able to be as emotionally involved in our relationship had I been living with Janelle, nor would that situation have been fair on their marriage. So for the moment, I stayed put in St. George.
Even though we had no money to get married, Kody dreamed of a big, fancy wedding. It’s his view that since polygamists marry so often, they don’t value the marriage ceremony and the reception as they should. They don’t do enough to make the day special. For the most part, polygamous weddings are humble. Kody swore that when he and I married, it was going to be a big deal.
While I love all the sweetness and romance attached to a big wedding, I didn’t want all the bother and attention. And I certainly didn’t want the drama I worried would come with the territory. The Browns had a comfortable and complicated family. I didn’t want to come storming in with a huge party and make myself the center of attention. I wanted a quiet yet romantic wedding. And I wanted it to happen as soon as possible. But no matter what size wedding Kody and I decided on, we were going to have to wait.
It was not entirely due to financial constraints that we were forced to put off our wedding. We got engaged at the end of September, and I was hoping that we could find a way to be married by December at the latest. My future sister wives were unhappy with this plan. When I discovered this, I knew that I was going to have to be incredibly sensitive to their feelings and wishes as I planned my wedding.
Sister Wives Page 14