I quickly realized how foolish I’d been to consider getting married in December. I didn’t want my wedding to Kody to distract from the Brown family’s holidays. I didn’t want my event to eclipse the children’s Christmas. Getting married in January was also out of the question as it was Meri’s birthday, Janelle’s anniversary, and my son Dayton’s birthday. February, too, posed similar problems.
While Kody and I were figuring out the best and earliest possible date for our wedding, the television show that he’d been discussing since we got engaged went from a dream to a reality. The show’s producer, Tim Gibbons, sold a pilot to TLC. TLC was going to help us pay for our wedding. I knew that having a big ceremony meant the world to Kody. So I consented.
This immediately posed another problem. They wanted to open the show with our wedding. Kody and I vehemently objected to this. It would be a grave disservice to Kody’s first three wives to feature his wedding to me in the opening episode of the show. Focusing on a new wife would shortchange their rich family history. Since the goal of the show was to exhibit the wonderful and wild Brown family, beginning with my story just didn’t make sense. It would have been hurtful to all of those who’d built this family from the ground up. In addition to this, Kody worried that if the first thing the audience saw him do was get married, people would misinterpret his intentions and view him as “the marrying guy” instead of the family man he is.
After much discussion, Kody convinced the production team to begin the show with the core family and then introduce my story. This meant, once again, pushing back my wedding. Now my courtship would be extremely drawn out—and not only that, it would be filmed, something I’d never anticipated. I’m glad that Kody and I had time to ourselves before the cameras intruded into our lives. I’m sure that I wouldn’t have gotten to know him had he been filming a show right from the start.
Eventually, we were able to settle on a date for our wedding at the end of May. When I began to plan the wedding, I wanted to involve my future sister wives as much as possible. I was aware that since TLC had become involved, the wedding was going to be a much larger event than I was comfortable with. And I worried that the amount of attention lavished on my wedding day might lead to hurt feelings within the family. I wanted to make sure that my special day was as much a celebration about my family as it was of my marriage. I wanted to do everything within my power to avoid offending my sister wives, some of whom didn’t have the opportunity to have a large wedding. I had also watched other women in our church who were coming into a family not include the present wives in the reception and celebration of their marriage. I had heard horror stories about these wives being hurt as they watched from the sidelines as the new wife married their husband. I was determined to make it a happy day for everyone.
While I was beginning to plan the wedding, Kody made a large commission on a sign he’d been trying to sell for ages. We used this money and my tax return to help me and my kids move into my own apartment in Lehi. This made planning the wedding infinitely easier. It also allowed me to start developing a closer relationship to my sister wives.
Of course, it would have been nicer for me to have been able to have a place either in or near the big house—not in one of the other wives’ apartments, but in my own. This would have made me feel integrated into the family instead of feeling like an outsider. However, this was not possible, since the house was designed for a man with three wives, not four. I know a lot of people probably misinterpreted the fact that I was given my own house as my getting preferential treatment. This was not the case at all. There was simply no other reasonable option.
When I got to Lehi, I made it very clear to my sister wives that I wanted my wedding celebration to be about family. I made sure to include them in every step of the planning process—the flowers, the cake, the invitations, the food. In fact, Janelle even picked the location herself, which was great. My sister wives and I even went dress shopping for my wedding dress. The experience was really fun, and it was great to bond with them. I loved having their advice but I didn’t find a dress. Later, I was looking by myself and was having trouble finding what would be appropriate. I had never been a plural wife before, so I was a little nervous about what to wear. Kody called right then and offered to help me, and I said yes. Later on in the show, Kody revealed this to everyone. I don’t think he meant to cause any hurt feelings, but the damage was done. Janelle and Meri felt like I had pretended to want them involved in picking out my dress and then, behind their backs, had Kody help me instead. Christine’s struggle was that Kody hadn’t helped her pick out hers. I was frustrated with Kody for blurting out the story in a way that hurt my sister wives. I hadn’t meant harm, I just needed to pick out my dress!
After I chose my colors for the wedding, I wanted each of my sister wives to have the exact style of dress she would like, but all in the same color scheme. Meri wanted to use the wedding as an opportunity to take a family portrait. I wanted this portrait to focus on the family, not on my wedding, so I had a second dress made to match my sister wives.
Although, I would have been happy with the smallest of receptions, the wedding was absolutely lovely. I really felt that it celebrated not just Kody and me, but the union of our beautiful families.
Sometimes I worried that it seemed as if I was getting preferential treatment. I got the big wedding followed by a long honeymoon. However, the honeymoon was both necessary and special to me. I never asked Kody for a ten-day trip, but he must have had a sixth sense that it was something important for us. Since we believe in remaining chaste before marriage, the honeymoon ushers in a new part of our relationship. Those ten days were especially important to me because of the hardships I had been through in my previous marriage. In addition to this, since I already had three kids, the minute we returned from our trip, Kody and I would be thrown into a cycle of homework and child care. We would be developing our relationship as a married couple with three younger children. So it was wonderful to have such an extended vacation from the cares of home and private time to build our relationship. It was comforting to know, however, that when I got back, my maternal duties would resume, but I would no longer be a single mother. I’d have a wonderful husband and three sister wives at my side.
I understand now that long my honeymoon was somewhat hurtful to my sister wives, who didn’t have comparable experiences. I made sure Kody called all of them several times during our ten days away—but not all of my new sister wives took his calls. I found out later when we returned home how upset some of my sister wives were that Kody took a longer honeymoon with me than with them. I remember Christine talking to me and saying, “If you needed that long, just tell me. I need to know you needed it.” I told her that I needed it but I didn’t know how much until I was on the honeymoon with Kody—when you have been married and divorced, you can have the past come back to haunt you in the worst times.
Like many women who embrace plural marriage, I had an overly idealistic notion of how simple it would be to develop healthy and stable relationships with my sister wives. I understood that there had been some issues regarding my courtship, but I assumed when the wedding was over, these would be forgotten. I imagined that when I returned from my honeymoon, I’d easily slide into the Brown family. I thought the struggles my sister wives were going through would fade because Kody and I were now married.
Meri and I had started out with a really great relationship when I started courting Kody. I was so excited to see that she wanted me in her family. She wasn’t just looking for a sister wife, she was looking for a best friend. I was overjoyed. She even pulled me into her room once and asked me what kind of ring and wedding I wanted because she would make sure it happened for me. It was my dream come true to know she cared about my happiness. Things seemed pretty good with Janelle and Christine as well. I was so excited to share a life and family with these three women. As the courtship progressed, Meri’s and my relationship struggled, but I thought that once Kody and I we
re married that it would get better again. I knew Christine and Janelle were struggling, too, but again, I thought it would all get better once I was officially a part of the family and not just a fiancée, so I just held on.
When I chose to marry Kody, I wasn’t just choosing him. I wanted a relationship with Meri, Janelle, and Christine. While Kody and I were courting, I wanted to be close to his three wives. Whenever I came over to their house or headed back to southern Utah, I would hug them hello or good-bye. I had felt secure that these women were open to my arrival in their family. After all, if they truly hadn’t wanted Kody to marry again, it would have been simple for them to forbid it. A man must have absolute permission from his wives before considering a courtship with a new woman. Meri, Janelle, and Christine are an independent bunch and they put their family first. If they hadn’t believed that I should be a part of their lives, they would have let Kody know. But even believing that I belonged in their family doesn’t mean it was going to be easy for them to make room for me. That’s a much taller order.
When I returned from my honeymoon, I was shocked to discover how much my sister wives were struggling. They were cold and standoffish and struggled to make room for me in the family. Where I had expected openness and acceptance, I found walls. Even though I was married to Kody, it still was very hard for them, so hard that they didn’t know what to do with me. I felt as if my mere presence threatened them. No matter how hard I tried to be sweet or kind, it still wasn’t enough. All my naive expectations that we would be best friends flew out the window.
Meri, with whom I’d once had a wonderful friendship, and I struggled a lot. She felt that anything bad going on between Kody and her was somehow my fault. This really hurt me since I had been ecstatic about the friendship I believed Meri and I could have. I didn’t know how to repair our friendship, but I wanted so much to try. I loved Meri, and I wanted back what we had had in the beginning.
I really didn’t anticipate how much my sister wives would struggle with me coming into the family. I was unprepared for the fact that they believed I was the source of their pain. I didn’t understand how difficult making room for a new wife could be. I never, ever set out to hurt anyone. I found that simply having a relationship with Kody hurt them. Anything that he did for me had the potential of hurting them or making them jealous. I felt as if any kind of love and sweetness that they saw Kody and me share made them feel threatened and upset. So they shut me out.
There’s a strange phenomenon that happens in our lifestyle. When you are struggling with jealousy and insecurities, you manage to transform your sister wife into some sort of monster. You begin to believe that your sister wife harbors you ill will or intentionally means to harm you. And from this paranoid perspective, real problems begin to arise.
Usually, this paranoia springs from an insecurity about your relationship, not with your sister wife but with your husband. Eventually, I discovered that some of my sister wives were often angry with me not because of something I’d done, but because they felt like Kody loved me more than them, and this scared and threatened them. When I learned this, I tried my best to open up a dialogue with whichever wife was struggling with me. By talking things out, I was able to gain a fuller perspective and realize that their issues with me were really not personal. Often, they struggle with me when they aren’t feeling close enough to Kody, or when they are dealing with their own jealousy or insecurities. I feel these things myself, and I have to work on dealing with my own insecurities and jealousies and not blame my sister wives or Kody for them.
I know having a great relationship with my sister wives has less to do with them and me and more to do with them and Kody. In order for me to develop the friendships with them that I’d hoped and prayed for, I know that I need to promote their marriages, be a good friend and help them through whatever struggles they may be having, and, above all, support and love them.
After all, we are all women working toward the same goal: the strength and stability of our family and our marriages. We all want the same thing, and we don’t want to hurt each other. Despite this knowledge, insecurity, which is the constant pitfall of our lifestyle, rears its ugly head. Instead of acknowledging that we are working together and that we want to make our family and friendships work, it can be tempting to think of your sister wife as the girl in high school who’s fighting with you over your boyfriend.
Figuring out how to navigate our relationships is tricky. Even though some of us were raised polygamous, we still grew up in a monogamous world. Aside from our mothers’ relationships with their sister wives, we don’t really have much of a frame of reference for how to deal with the conflicts and the jealousy that crop up. After all, we never see relationships like ours on television, in movies, or read about them in books. We have to navigate our situation blindly, without a map or outside help.
I completely understand why my sister wives can be jealous of my relationship with Kody. Our marriage is fresh and young. They may sometimes believe that he loves me more than he loves them because of this, but that simply isn’t true. I know Kody loves Meri, Janelle, and Christine. I wouldn’t respect him otherwise.
I know, however, that the best thing for Kody’s and my marriage in the long run will be for him to validate his other marriages and reaffirm his love for my sister wives. All our marriages go through high and low points, but he needs to commit to them and they to him so that together they will work things out. This is a universal truth in all marriages, polygamous or not. Although it’s not always that simple, this is something I’m always bugging Kody and my sister wives to do. I want all the relationships in our family to be successful.
When things become difficult between me and my sister wives, they have a tendency to block me out and not give me a voice. While they might be jealous of my relationship with Kody, I don’t think they realize how often I’m confronted with the fact that they all share a history that I will never be a part of. They have a culture within their family that was long established before I came in. They have stories, jokes, struggles, and triumphs that are simply off-limits to me. Sometimes it can be hurtful to know that although I’m married to Kody just as they are, I will never be as deeply entrenched in the family’s history. I will always be the new kid on the block.
Sometimes it’s challenging to speak up and ask my sister wives to make room for me in their world. I have been in relationships in the past where I’ve been steamrolled. After this happened, I made a promise that I would always stand up for myself. Since my sister wives had developed such a solid and preordained way of doing things before I arrived, there was a tendency to brush off my suggestions. I had to tell them that I deserve a voice in the family, too. However, since I wasn’t around for those first sixteen years, my ideas and concerns often got downplayed.
During my first few months in the family, I would listen in family discussions while my sister wives and Kody would get angry with one another. I tried to suggest that there was a more constructive way of arguing—a safer, calmer way. I know from experience how much damage can be done when you don’t have control of your anger and frustration. But the family pretty much told me that that they had their own way of doing things. Eventually, I showed them through example how to talk things out reasonably. Now I’m often asked to help mediate family talks.
My sister wives will sometimes try to mother me. I feel like I’m the “little sister wife.” I have to remind my sister wives that I survived both a difficult marriage and several years of single motherhood on my own. I’m strong and independent. While I’m grateful for their advice, I don’t always need it.
We’re still in the process of blending our families. This has taken a great deal of patience. Before I arrived, the Brown family had their own way of running things, which was slightly different from mine. Since they have so many children, they cannot tend to all the discrepancies that arise. They have a saying: “If you’re not bleeding, don’t tattle.” For the most part, they leave their childr
en to work out their own problems.
I’m very emotionally sensitive to those around me, which makes it difficult to turn my back on even the smallest issue between two of our kids. If even the slightest disagreement arises, I want to get to the root of it. I want to sit the children down and talk it through, get to the source of the problem and solve it. Instead of telling the children to go work something out on their own, it’s my instinct to mediate.
It is my nature to be emotionally in tune with everything around me, both bad and good. For instance, I’m careful to group our youngest girls in a way that one of them doesn’t get picked on by the others for some of her quirks. I go out of my way to create an environment that is safe and protective for everyone in the family.
At first, the older kids and some of my sister wives thought I was babying my kids. I had to explain that I was just looking out for them—all of them, not just my own biological children. I had to explain to them that I raised my kids to be more emotionally sensitive to one another and to be comfortable expressing their problems and concerns. It’s not a sign of weakness, I explained, to address your issues head on.
Soon some of the older children grew comfortable with my parenting style. They’ve begun to confide in me because they know I’m patient with their problems. They are willing to spill their guts to me about their most personal issues, which is something of a relief for them. I want not just all the children but all of my sister wives to feel that I am emotionally available to them, so they can talk to me about anything.
During the first year of my marriage to Kody, my sister wives began to recognize what they call my “emotional intelligence.” When I first started courting Kody, my viewpoint gave him a new perspective on his family and some of his relationships. At first, I think it was hard for my sister wives to hear my voice coming through when Kody spoke, but I think as time passed, my opinion was respected more and more. Janelle has expressed to me that she is grateful for my ability to make a tough conversation safe. Meri also confides in me when she is working through an issue because she knows I will validate her feelings.
Sister Wives Page 15