Sister Wives

by Brown, Kody;Brown, Meri

  The media tours were insane. Nearly every day, we had a packed schedule of back-to-back interviews. We got tired, but we still had to remain on guard. We needed to watch every word that came out of our mouths, so that nothing could be twisted or misconstrued. We wanted the proper messages to get out there—the positive ones that pertained to love and family. Despite our best intentions, from time to time we said the wrong things and had to do a little damage control. But this can only be expected. We are five normal, middle-American adults with little or no experience in the ways of the media.

  On the media tours, it was our goal to get across the basic facts about our family and debunk the myths that most people ascribe to us. No matter what a journalist asked, we tried to steer the conversation back to something positive. We wanted to come across true to our natures and beliefs, as well as strong, independent adults who’ve come to our faith of our own volition. We wanted to make it perfectly clear that our children make their own choices—they don’t have to live polygamy if they don’t want to. And most of all, we wanted to convey the stability and love of our family.

  During our press junket in New York, we appeared on Nightline. I thought the interview, conducted by Dan Harris, had gone really well and I was pleased. The night it aired, Kody and I were in our hotel room. (It was completely surreal sitting in a fancy hotel in New York City, watching myself on TV and thinking about all the people in the same city watching the same show at the same time!) When the announcer introduced our segment it was clear that she thought we were ridiculous. Her tone of voice and facial expressions made her contempt for us clear. She didn’t hide the fact that she thought our lifestyle was wrong.

  After this less than reassuring introduction, they cut away to the interview, which included wonderful clips of our children. When they returned to the announcer, she was smiling. Her whole demeanor had changed. We’d clearly made an impact. I remember thinking about the millions of people who’d just watched the same thing and how we might have influenced their thinking for the better.

  Not all journalists are as kind or considerate as Dan Harris was. After a particularly long day of interviews on that first press tour, I had reached my breaking point. One of the journalists had been pretty brutal to me. He asked me too many questions about whether or not our lifestyle or the show was fair to our kids. He kept trying to get me to admit that I had ruined my children’s lives by putting them on TV and exposing them to the public. He really wanted to force my hand and get me to slip up and say something he could use against me.

  When the interview was over, I nearly broke down. “I need my people,” I said. Then my family gathered around me. We joined together in prayer. I drew strength from them and was able to refocus. On tour, we really help to strengthen one another and build one another up, which is phenomenal. Since we are able to travel openly as a family—something I hope all polygamous families will one day do—we can be there for every moment. We rely on one another for support during the tough questions and the long days. We are one another’s safety net. We are stronger than I’d ever imagined.

  However, traveling as a family is not always easy. Being on the road as a group of five adults is a completely new and unexpected experience, and it has made our differences more obvious. We’ve learned that we really have to meet each individual’s needs and that as a group we have to listen to one another and accommodate one another. We have had to learn how to express in a polite and constructive manner when someone’s behavior is bothering us.

  I learned, for example, that sometimes I really embarrass Janelle. I can be kind of goofy in public. I thought it was all in good fun, but I realize that my actions are embarrassing to her and I feel terrible about this. What she thinks is acceptable in public is far different from what I think is acceptable. We’ve had to come to a place where we can both have fun and be relaxed, while respecting each other’s boundaries.

  Now that we’ve figured out how to address our various needs and differences, I’ve grown to love doing things together. I feel a force of power when we are in a big group. We really are dynamic. Sometimes I feel as if we could conquer the world!

  Part of this empowering feeling comes from the freedom of being open as a family. I know that our decision has made us stronger adults and more secure, not just in our individual marriages but as a single-family unit. I’m especially happy for our kids—no longer do they have to duck awkward questions from curious schoolmates or strangers who wonder how so many siblings could be so close in age. Even now in their Las Vegas public school, they are proud to call one another brother and sister. Now Janelle’s kids confidently introduce me to their friends as “one of my moms.”

  I think openness has brought them closer together. They are a tightly knit group, unafraid to hang out together during school. They are happy to draw attention to themselves and their special relationships. Their classmates refer to them as the Cullens—the vampire clan in the Twilight books. Together, they are a force to be reckoned with.

  Our decision to live openly has allowed our entire family to come into our own. I love meeting all the kids’ friends, and I absolutely love taking my sister wives’ children places and introducing them as my kids. I enjoy being open about being married to Kody and we do many things as a married couple, and he can openly say we are all his wives. It’s fun going places together and being recognized. People meet us and talk about how we have changed their minds and their perspective on families and relationships. I feel humbled and overjoyed at the response we receive about our family, people grateful that we opened up our lives so they could see this plural family choice.

  Chapter Sixteen

  ROBYN

  When I was in middle school and high school, none of my friends knew about my religion. I am the child of my father’s second wife, which meant that legally and publicly he couldn’t acknowledge me as his daughter. This was difficult at times and hard for a young child to understand. I remember when I was about ten being at a park with my father and my mother and my full biological siblings. When my father noticed one of his work colleagues approaching us, he walked away from my mother, my brothers and sisters, and me. He acted as if he didn’t know us. Of course, I knew that he was doing this out of necessity. He wanted to protect us and his job. Nevertheless, it hurt me terribly.

  My mother would usually explain the presence of her sister wife by saying she was my father’s sister or his wife from a previous marriage who had remained amicable with the family. For the most part, people bought it.

  I went to a sizable public school. There were students from different races and religions, but the majority were LDS. My fellow students, and even my teachers, often made disparaging comments about polygamists. They said we were backward and wrong. They openly made fun of the polygamous families that lived in our county. The majority of these families were FLDS. They were openly recognizable because of their extremely modest dress and the women’s strange, old-fashioned hairstyles. My family was nothing like these families, but I was distraught by these comments all the same.

  I spent my childhood and teenage years terrified someone might uncover the truth about my family. I had few friends, and those I did have didn’t seem to question or care about the strange unexplained things in my life. I kept most friends at a distance so they wouldn’t start wondering about my family and asking questions.

  I did have one friend in the mainstream. Her name was Danielle Scott, and she was LDS. Danielle and I were best friends for many years. When we were in high school, I decided to tell her about my family. I was tired of hiding things from her.

  When I told Danielle that my family was polygamous and that I had two mothers, she began to cry. “I thought you guys were the perfect LDS family,” she said.

  She was understandably confused. Most LDS followers condemn fundamentalism and polygamy. Suddenly Danielle felt as if she didn’t know me at all and what she’d just learned about me made me morally wrong.

  When Danielle g
ot over her initial shock, she began coming over to my house regularly. She realized that I was just me and my “perfect LDS family” was not all that different than what she’d previously imagined it to be. She grew close to my mom and came to understand that the differences between our faiths were not a big deal. We could be friends regardless of our beliefs.

  Over time, Danielle and I agreed to disagree about religion. This was a healthy development. We do try and stay away from the hot-button topics with each other. But this agreement has led to a completely open, safe, and sweet relationship between us in which we can tell each other anything and everything.

  I had been the first wife in my first marriage. Although we were in the same church that I am in now, we never got to the stage in which we considered taking on a second wife. My husband and I believed the principle, but things were too rocky between us to consider a plural marriage. This meant that during our marriage, we never really had to worry about how we looked to outsiders. We were a young couple with three young children. It was easy to “pass” as Mormon.

  When I started dating Kody, however, hiding the truth about my faith became trickier. When people asked me about the man I was dating, I didn’t know what to tell them. Since Kody often visited me in St. George, acquaintances were aware that he had children. When they asked me how many, I never knew how to answer. Should I say one, because that’s how many he has from his only legal marriage? Or should I admit the truth and say thirteen? I can only imagine what the reaction would have been if I said the man I was dating had thirteen kids!

  Hiding who I am is not in my nature. It’s always bothered me that I have to lie about my beliefs, family, and lifestyle. It has made me feel like a second-class citizen. In general, I’m quite honest and outgoing. I have no problems talking about what is going on in my heart or in my head. Sadly, hiding my religion has been an unfortunate necessity. As much as I wished that I didn’t have to lie about my faith, I wasn’t entirely prepared to be as open as Kody hinted I might have to be if I chose to marry him.

  When Kody first told me that he and my potential future sister wives were going to be on a television program, I dismissed it as a pipe dream. I didn’t question him or challenge him, but I remember thinking, Yeah right, you’re going to be on TV!

  As our courtship progressed toward engagement, I realized that the television show, which had seemed like a huge fantasy, was in fact a reality. If I married Kody, I would be signing on for this show.

  This gave me pause. It was very scary for me. I had been through an incredibly difficult marriage and divorce. I had suffered through some tough times, and now I was being asked to open up about my lifestyle, perhaps endangering my kids and myself in the process. I didn’t want this. I didn’t need this. I just wanted to live a quiet and tranquil life, happy with God and my family. But I loved Kody and his family too much. I had asked God for a testimony that Kody and I shared a destiny, and I received that testimony. I wasn’t turning back.

  While Kody and I were courting, I went through a period where I turned to God and asked Him, “You seriously want me to be on a TV show? This is what you want for me?” It just seemed preposterous. I know that God guides my life, but He seemed to be leading me down a strange and dangerous path.

  I did consider not marrying Kody because of the show. I was searching for stability and simplicity. Instead, I was hurtling toward a big, scary unknown. I remember being very concerned about the consequences we might face when our show aired. It would hit me some days how crazy going public was. Did I really want this kind of attention? Ultimately, my overwhelming love for Kody, for his family, and my testimony that I belonged in his family won out. If our destiny meant being on a reality show, I was willing.

  When my sister wives told their families about the show, most of their relatives came to terms with the decision to go public as long as their own families were not dragged into the spotlight. My family, however, was horrified by my decision. They could not accept or understand this choice. They found it morally wrong and personally dangerous.

  Some of my family members think that the plural lifestyle is too sacred to show to the public. They believe that what I’m doing is sacrilegious. I’m muddying the waters of something celestial and sensationalizing it.

  In addition to condemning the morality of my decision, most of my family was horrified by the attention they worried the show would bring to them. I fear that when I made my choice to participate in Sister Wives, I didn’t realize the domino effect that would follow. Suddenly, my siblings’ friends who knew me from growing up might realize that if I’m a polygamist, then my brothers and sisters are, too. Several of my siblings who are still in high school became very angry with me for outing them by proxy.

  Of all my relatives, my mother struggled the most with my decision. (She still blocks my posts on her Facebook page because she doesn’t want to answer the intrusive questions that would follow. She isn’t ready yet to be as open about her beliefs as I am.) When I told her about the show, she worried that I was putting my children in harm’s way. She was especially concerned for them since my first marriage was destructive and unstable. I was just starting to figure out how to be a single mom. She felt that I was being irresponsible and not taking my children into consideration.

  This was very difficult for me to hear. I understood her concerns, but I also knew that I was bringing my children into the most wonderful family I’d ever seen and giving them the best father imaginable. Although my mother will still be my mother privately, and supports me in every way she can, she wants nothing to do with the public side of my life. We love each other, but there is a distance between us that pains me.

  My mother grew up LDS and converted to our faith when she was a young adult. Many of her relatives struggled with her conversion, so she has spent her life keeping her head down, feeling as if she had to apologize for her beliefs and try to not rub it in their faces. She hides her religion from the people around her and has to be careful about what she says and does. This has made me very sad.

  However, after the show aired, many of my mother’s relatives got a closer look at our world. They saw that our lifestyle was not scary or “out there.” They were more able to understand my mother’s decision to live the principle. Because of Sister Wives, my mother has been able to come into her own and feel more accepted by her own family. I hope that this change in her relatives’ attitudes will allow my mother to live more openly and comfortably.

  Like my mother, my father was opposed to my participation in Sister Wives. Although he is retired, he worked a city job his entire life, and had to hide his marriage to my mother. When I decided to be a part of the show, I think he worried about what would happen to me as well. But after he saw how people reacted to us after the show aired—approaching us on the street, wanting to talk to us, and writing encouraging letters—he began to relax and opened up to the show. In fact, he agreed to be filmed dancing with me at my wedding. This was a miracle for me. My father, who had never felt comfortable acknowledging me in public before, was willing to go on national television and announce that he is my dad. Later, my father agreed to be in an episode about our hunt for houses in Las Vegas. He was there while Meri, Kody, and I were looking for places for us to live. It meant so much to me that he consented to be filmed. Of all my family members, my father is the one who most recognizes and acknowledges all the positive changes the show has brought about.

  Since filming was under way during Kody’s and my long engagement, introducing Kody to my family meant bringing them face-to-face with the reality of my decision to be on television. When people started to recognize us, many family members shied away from me at public functions. They didn’t want to be identified as polygamists.

  Even when we weren’t filming, many of my family members still wanted to keep their distance from me. My sister’s graduation, an event I wouldn’t have missed for the world, was especially trying. Kody and I tried to keep our heads down and maintain
a low profile, but we were recognized by many people in the crowd. People were lining up to talk to us and get their pictures taken with us. I felt terrible, as my only intention had been to support my sister on her special day, and now I was drawing attention away from her.

  Some of my brothers and sisters were simply embarrassed by the people who wanted to take our picture. They hung back and wouldn’t associate with us at all. Thankfully, other members of my family thought it was cool, like my sister who got so excited when she saw how positively people were responding to Kody and me. I think she was really surprised by how supportive complete strangers could be.

  Several years before I married Kody, when I was at an absolute low point in my life, I made a life list of all the things I wanted to accomplish. Since things were going so badly for me at that time, I allowed myself to dream as big as possible. Here’s what was on my list: change the world, meet Oprah, write a bestseller, own a business. I look back on that now and think, be careful what you wish for because you might get it—and then it may be something you don’t want. I can never underestimate the positive impact of Sister Wives, but there are days when I wake up and say to myself, “I don’t want to do this anymore. I want everything to go back to normal.”

  Being on a television show really altered my entry into the family and into a plural marriage. Sadly, during the first season, many of our fans cast me as a home wrecker out to destroy Meri, Janelle, and Christine’s happy family. I try not to dwell on the Internet commentary, but since I think it’s important to interact with our fans, I can’t entirely avoid it. There have been so many negative comments about me that it’s been difficult to shrug them off. People believe I have an ulterior motive—that I want Kody to myself and not because I love the family or my sister wives. People believe I’m manipulative and conniving. I usually place last in the “Favorite Sister Wife” poll.