by J. S. Finley
If we saw each other on a crowded street would you come over and say something to me or would you walk away? I hope you wouldn’t hold anything against me and would say hi. I wish we were closer, because I really want to look in your eyes and see if you feel the same.
Still me…
2
Before joining the Marines, Brent had been lucky enough to take dual enrolment classes in high school and complete his basics for college. After leaving the Marines, getting into a university had been easy. He had money from serving for four years and the GI Bill to help him with tuition. The first semester, he took a huge load of classes, not wanting to spend too long in school. Being out in the world and living as a soldier had changed things for him. Sure, he could be gay at school, but he wasn’t out since he still needed the honorable discharge status and didn’t want anything to change with his military service record.
He studied hard and ignored most everything else. He dated a little bit, but wasn’t really interested in anyone for more than a casual hookup. Most guys were used to being in the closet, so he wasn’t afraid of being found out by anyone who could cause him trouble. There were a few guys who were out and proud on campus, but he couldn’t afford to get entangled with someone who would out him.
He missed his crew terribly, but he missed Jake the most. At night, when his mind wasn’t filled with programing code and math problems, his thoughts drifted to Jake. He wished he could go back and change things with his buddy. He would give almost anything to have another shot at friendship with the man.
Somehow, time passed and he’d not talked to anyone in his crew. They’d been so close, but they had allowed distance to separate them. Guilt filled him. Busy wasn’t an excuse. While on break from classes, Brent started thinking about how to contact his men, but he didn’t take any action. Then nine months after getting out of the Marines, he got his first email from the gang. He should have sent a note earlier, but he was glad Clay had reached out to him, Mike, Lane, Thomas, and Jake.
Brent stared at the email addresses and noticed Jake’s had changed. He wondered if the reason Jake hadn’t written him back was because he hadn’t received his emails.
After grabbing a cup of coffee, Brent settled in a chair with his computer right in front of him. He hesitated for a few minutes, reading the first line of Clay’s email.
Guys,
God, it’s been too long. I’m sorry I let the ball drop. I miss you all. Really, I do. I got used to hearing your rumbling snores at night and seeing your ugly mugs in the morning. And yes, Thomas, you do snore loud enough to wake the dead. I want to keep up with you all and hear about what you are doing.
I’m going to the police academy in Alexandria, Virginia. It was tough getting in, but I’m happy. The program will last for a few more months, nearly six months of training all total. It’s nothing like basic in the Marines, but it takes some book smarts. I know most of you guys were smarter than I am, but I’m hanging in there.
I don’t want to get too weird in this email, but out here it’s different. People are different. I was in a parking lot in the evening a few days ago close to an area where they were setting off fireworks. I hit the dirt so fast I ripped my jeans. I’m okay, but it’s tough trying to make it work. I tried dating, but it didn’t work out too well. I decided not to get serious with anyone because they don’t get it.
That’s enough of that, I really want to hear from you all. Please, I need you guys in my life.
Your bud,
Clay Simmons
Brent read the email again and sighed as he sat back in his seat. He missed the guys. He’d known other men in his unit, a few he’d exchanged email addresses with, but this group of men were his best friends.
He was about to hit reply when he noticed another email in his inbox, this one from Thomas.
Dear Clay and everyone else on this thing,
I don’t fucking snore. I don’t know where you got that idea you little twerp.
If I was poetic I’d write you all a poem, but I’m not. Suffice it to say, I fucking miss you guys. I’m working my ass off down here in Florida trying to save up money and buy a boat. When I’m not working, I’m enjoying the tits and ass parade. Holy shit, these women don’t wear clothes at all. They’re half naked even when they go out to dinner in nice restaurants. The other night, I was sitting at the bar and could see a woman’s hoochie. My dick was so hard I thought I was going to come just sitting there.
On a more serious note, the fireworks thing is so fucking stupid. I hate them. Celebrating our freedom—my ass. Fireworks are from the devil. Damn idiots shooting them off. Makes me want to show them what real freedom means.
I miss you guys. I miss hanging out with you. I gotta take some dipshit and his mistress out fishing in the morning. The only good point is the mistress doesn’t wear any clothes on the boat. Thinks because I drive the boat I don’t got balls. Stupid rich fucks. Write me, I need sane people in my life.
I’m out,
Thomas
Brent chuckled and began typing his note to the guys. He wasn’t sure what he was going to say and only got as far as Hey Guys, School sucks before he turned to stare out the window. He missed his friends so much. They’d been a huge part of his life and a huge reason why he was still alive. They’d made everything better with their dark humor, and their crazy antics. They understood him and what he’d gone through. They’d been there when life had been complicated and all fucked up. He needed to apologize to Jake, but the man wouldn’t even respond to him. Maybe he would finally be able to get through to Jake with this new round of communication.
Before he could write anything, he needed to think. Brent grabbed his running shorts and changed clothes fast. He slipped on his good running shoes before grabbing his keys. He took off running, flying down street after street, trying to outrun the demons in his mind. Out here on the pavement, he was free. No one asked anything of him, and he could be real with himself. He didn’t have to hide his fears, or lie about his worries. On the road, he could spend hours thinking about what had happened, get through the depression, which crept up on him, and find a way to continue with life.
The fireworks thing was shitty as hell, but he could deal with it. Now, his main objective was to get through school and move on to working for a living. He prayed he never got called back to the Marines. Serving his country was an honor, but he never wanted to go back to that hellhole of fighting and fear.
Once back at his apartment, he shut down his email program and concentrated on finishing his assignments. He needed to log into his email and turn in some papers, but then he would be confronted with more emails from the guys. Anxiety filled him. What if Jake had sent his reply, but didn’t include him in the email? He didn’t know if he could handle blatant rejection from Jake.
When he couldn’t put it off any longer, he opened the email program and waited for the new email to load. First he saw a note from Lane, then Mike, and finally one from Jake. The whole crew had written. Jake hadn’t excluded him.
Brent blew out a breath and shook his head, pushing away the tears forming in his eyes. After a few seconds of relief, or maybe numbness, he sat up and flexed his fingers. Work came first, so he checked his emails for anything extra from his professors, submitted his homework, and then he opened the email from Lane.
What up, Bitches!
I’m trying to keep my sanity while going through nursing school. OMG, these young kids who want to be nurses, they are such whiners. Lazy as FUCK! They complain about having to study late and work so hard. I want to take them out and show them what real work is. Stupid little fucks crying about having to actually study. My God, it’s driving me CRAZY!
Thomas, you snore like a freight train—a fucking freight train. It’s the only thing good about not being in the military. I don’t have to listen to you at night. Okay, that and not almost getting my ass blown off. Fuck, I hated almost getting blown up. Dumb asses trying to kill us, I never want to deal with that again—EVER
!
On a more serious note, I stopped drinking. It wasn’t bad, but my God, I have to keep a clear head when I’m studying. I was downing too much alcohol and I can’t, not and keep up.
I’m dating this girl, but she’s annoying as hell. She wants me to pay attention to her every single freaking minute. Did I mention I have to study? I don’t think it will last. Once she stops handing out blowjobs like candy, I’m done.
I miss you guys. I can’t believe how hard it is for people to understand their word is their bond. You guys have always been solid and I appreciate you all. Thank you, Clay, for sending this email. I needed it. It’s tough being surrounded by people who don’t know what it’s like to be shot at on a daily basis. I keep thinking about the men we lost, like Benjamin and Davey. Some days it’s hard to get up, knowing good men died.
Love you all,
Lane
Tears filled Brent’s eyes. He pushed away from his computer and moved to his kitchen to grab a beer. He hesitated and grabbed a glass for water instead. He didn’t need to drink. The alcohol called to him only so he could forget. Maybe drinking to forget was wrong. He didn’t have a problem, or he didn’t think he did. He wasn’t drinking too much beer and whisky. Brent turned away from the refrigerator and the call of the beer.
Benjamin and Davey’s deaths had hurt hard. Both of them had been good guys, not close like the six of them, but still friends. He got what Lane was saying; it was hard walking among people who didn’t get how precious life was. If they got it, they wouldn’t bitch about stupid stuff like how hard it was to stand in line to get coffee.
After finishing his water, he still wanted something with taste. He grabbed a soda out of the refrigerator instead of a beer and moved back to his computer, pulling up the email from Mike.
Dear Lane,
I ain’t your Bitch anymore. Just because I bent over for you the one time, doesn’t mean I’m yours.
Okay, you guys know I never took it for Lane—I was joking. I miss you all. Hell, I’m working double shifts with guys who have shit for brains so I can save up money and buy equipment.
These idiots have no idea how to detail security. I was working a concert last week and some idiot gets into the back of the theater and runs up to our asset. The stupid security guys let the fucker grab our girl and pick her up. She was freaking out, and the other guys were standing there with their dicks hanging. I was across the stage and ran over, separating the pair. I got her to safety and made sure she was secure. I can’t believe these numbnuts have no clue how to keep people safe. The fucker could have killed her and they would still be standing around picking their noses.
My personal life is in the crapper. I started dating this girl, and it was great at first, but then she told me she was pregnant with my kid. I was happy until we went to the sonogram together and guess what? The girl got pregnant before we got out of the Marines. No way the kid could be mine. I walked out of the appointment and bought new locks for my place on the way home. Locked her out and moved her shit out of my place, set it on the porch before she even got home. Stupid idiot called the cops on me. Guess what? Cops here are dumb shits. I had to talk to their sergeant to get them to let me stay in my own place. Fuckers, all of ’em. The bitch had a home she was renting with friends not even two miles away; she didn’t want to leave my place because it was nicer. After her, I called off all dating. It’s not worth it.
I miss you all too. I’m hanging in there, but I’m drinking too much so I can forget what we saw. I’m giving up alcohol for the next month and gonna see if I can clear my head.
Lane, you’re the strongest of us all. You held us together when things got bad. I miss you, buddy. I need you guys so I can stay sane. You all are my rock and I’ve fucking missed talking to you.
I gotta go make sure these stupid fuckers don’t get anyone killed today. Dumb shits have no clue what they are doing.
Peace out,
Mike
Brent turned his chair and stared out the window again. Jake’s email was the only one left to read, then he needed to write his own note. He freaking missed those guys. How had he let so many months go by and not communicated with them?
Life in school was tough, but it wasn’t so tough he couldn’t send a note. He needed to write something, but he didn’t know what to say. Jake’s email loomed out there, waiting to be read.
Though his hands were shaking and his heart racing, he turned back to his computer, ready to read. He hovered his mouse over the subject line of Jake’s email for a long moment before clicking. He closed his eyes, not able to look at the words on the screen. After he counted to ten, then ten again, he opened his eyes and started to read.
Hey guys,
You are all douches. Seriously, you’re making me cry. I can’t believe you fucking made me cry. I miss you all. This is shitty as hell. School is tough. Life is tough. No one understands. I can’t keep a girlfriend. They don’t understand. I’ve stopped dating.
Otherwise, it’s going great. I’ll never go back to the military, but I need to stay in contact with you all. Like Mike said, you all keep me sane. I’m taking eighteen hours and doing an internship with a computer company. I hardly ever sleep, but I’m going to be done with school sooner rather than later. Don’t stop sending emails. I need you guys. I’m going to stop drinking for a month too. I grab a beer when water will do. Once again you guys have inspired me.
Love you all,
Jake
Brent wiped away the tears and shoved away from his computer. No way he could write a flippant reply after reading what Jake had written. The time away from the guys was an eye opener. The people on the streets didn’t get what military men and women went through when they were overseas. Constantly in danger, every day was lived prayer to prayer as guns blasted nearby. Bombs exploded, taking their friends away forever, and life moved at a different pace. It was harsh. Explaining the realities of war to a bunch of entitled little dumb shits was impossible.
After a breather where he stared out his window at the street outside, he sat at his computer, erased what he’d written earlier, and started over again.
Hey guys,
Reading your letters was hard. I miss you all. It sounds like we’re all moving forward, and I’m so proud of you for not giving in to the darkness. The darkness is there for me too, looming on the edge of everything, but I try hard to push it away. I’m giving up drinking for the next month. I don’t need alcohol, not really.
Before I enlisted, I had forty-five hours completed in school. So far, I’ve taken another thirty-three hours, enrolled in six this summer semester, and will take six more next semester. I should be done next May. I need to be finished and move on. Maybe it’s the young college kids with no clue that makes it hard, or it’s that life is difficult. I’m doing good in school, but some days I want to yell at these kids and tell them what hard really is.
I need this contact from you guys. I can’t go forever without hearing from you. Keep writing letters. I miss you all.
Love you guys,
Brent
He hit send, wishing he could see his friends instead of emailing them. It was tough being so far away from his buddies. At school, he had some acquaintances he was friendly with, but they weren’t real friends he could depend on. The guys from his unit had been almost as close as brothers. He couldn’t believe they had taken so long to talk.
After getting a good night’s sleep, he checked his email again and found notes from his friends.
In the weeks following, he got updates. There was nothing earthshattering, but their emails kept him sane.
He did his assignments, studied, wrote papers, and in between the madness, he would open his email and find an update from Clay telling about his day, or notes about how much Mike hated fireworks. There were emails about Thomas’ fishing trips, and short stories about nursing from Lane. Jake’s updates were less informative, but he was still in school so not much was happening with him.
; Brent sent updates. He finished the first summer semester and then he was on to the second semester. He studied, ate, ran, and studied more; his life was boring.
School was tough, but he had great grades. This stage of his life would be over soon, and he’d have to figure out a new kind of normal. All he knew as normal was different after being in the service, and he felt like he would never find any type of balance again.
I miss you but I can’t send this
Hey,
A few days ago, I realized how much I miss you. I read your email and thought to myself we should have gone to the same school; at least we would have each other. I’m not sure you would want me the same way I want you.
That’s the issue, isn’t it? What if I’ve built this up in my head and it’s really nothing?
The other day, I was walking across campus and saw two guys holding hands. It made me almost trip. Two guys? How can we as a country fight for freedom and not fight as hard for their freedom? How can people even think it’s okay to hurt someone because of their love?
I’m getting worked up, and I need to study. This is probably another email I’m never going to send. I wish I were braver and could tell you.
It’s me…
3
Jake reread all the letters from the guys when he got sad, which was about once a week. He’d mostly given up alcohol for a few months, which made dating impossible. Now he didn’t date because the women’s mindless chatter grated on his nerves.