by J. S. Finley
He wanted to see his buddies, but they were scattered across the eastern time zone, from New York down to Florida. Really, he wanted to see Brent and apologize for his behavior. He’d been a jerk, acting like an ass to the man way too many times.
When he left the military, his mind had been so twisted with anger and fear he’d not known how to handle the situation. He’d blown his relationship with Brent and wished he could go back and fix his mistake.
He liked that Clay kept sending emails, checking in and keeping it light. He replied with something short and sweet to stay in contact. The rest of the guys wrote too, and he was starting to feel like they were buddies again. He missed his buddies, and having a tiny little piece of them, even if it meant nothing to them, was nice.
School was kicking his ass, and he wanted to finish with his studies and start his life. He finally gave up his internship because he couldn’t keep up with his course work and the job. The company he’d been interning for understood his need to complete college. His boss promised to rehire him once he finished with school because he liked Jake’s work.
The night before Christmas, he was sitting in his apartment feeling sorry for himself. Students were gone; he had nowhere to go and no one to spend the day with. It had been ages since he’d had anything to drink and he wasn’t sure he could stay sober through tomorrow. Three Christmas’s ago, he and his unit had been in Afghanistan hunkered down in the middle of the desert, hidden in a cave trying to stay alive. They’d been searching for some idiot who wanted to blow up the world and had taken aim at a girls’ school.
The night had been fucking cold, and they couldn’t light a fire or they’d risk being seen. So he and his unit had huddled together, creating a huge pile of bodies. He’d been lying next to Brent. It was funny how, at first, Brent had been so stiff and flinched every time Jake moved, but once he fell asleep, Brent had rolled toward him, holding him tight through the night. Jake had woken with a world-class boner, which he’d attributed to not getting any in months.
That had been one of the best and worst Christmases ever. They lost one guy, which had made it the worst, but during their time together, he and his friends had grown closer.
Jake pulled up his email program and sent a note to the guys.
Missing you all. Merry Christmas.
Love ya,
Jake
Seconds later an email came back. This one was from Clay.
Hey guys,
I’m sitting here remembering the first Christmas we spent together. Do you remember that one? We were on base in North Carolina, and it was cold and wet as hell. We watched movies and ended up doing some stupid chair race competition. It was the first Christmas I felt like I belonged anywhere. You guys changed my life.
Keep in touch. I’m done with the academy, and I’m on the streets. Let me tell you, there are some dumb people out there. I’m working a double tomorrow, and I’m hoping the idiots stay at home. Stay safe, and I’ll talk with you all later.
Love you guys,
Clay
Jake read Clay’s letter twice before shutting down his computer for the evening. He pulled on a coat and headed to a bar down the street. He had no one close to him, and he didn’t want to get tangled up in some weird relationship when he had no time to give. He’d tried going out and keeping it casual but the women thought he needed to be conquered and then he would settle down. That wasn’t the issue.
Once at the bar, he ordered a scotch on the rocks and sipped at the fiery liquid, wishing his boys were here to lift a glass with him. There were few people at the bar, and the other guys sitting on stools looked as lonely as he felt. Holidays were tough. Maybe he should have gone home, but he still had school, and he was low on funds. Next year he’d go home, maybe, or he’d head to New York City. But it wouldn’t be fun without his guys.
Memories of his friends hit hard as the night wore on. Regret over how he’d treated Brent was the worst. He pulled out his phone and tapped the screen for his email. Three more notes had come in, but none from Brent.
A young woman took the seat next to his. He braced himself for the bad pickup lines. She was pretty, and based on the way she was looking at him, he could probably talk her into coming back to his place for a night of raunchy sex, but he wasn’t really interested in spending Christmas Eve with some stranger.
He wanted his friends, not sex with some lonely woman who would end up sucking what small amount of joy he had left in his life. He needed the guys around him to cheer him up.
“You don’t seem like the type of guy who should be alone on Christmas.”
The line wasn’t awful, and he glanced at her, looking her up and down, trying to get an idea what type of person she was. The woman did nothing for him. He doubted this woman could put up with his moods or his anger, which kept popping up when he saw something wrong with the world. She wouldn’t understand his need for quiet and calm at odd times, or how he could stay up until three in the morning playing video games if he was agitated. How could she even approach him if she knew what dark thoughts crossed his mind?
“I’m not interested.” Jake turned back to his drink and took another sip.
She laughed, the noise irritating instead of endearing. “Sure you are. Men like you want sex.”
Anger ramped up, but he pushed it away because he really didn’t want to spend the night in jail. He stood and brushed off her hand when she reached out to hold him in place. Leaving the bar was easy since he’d walked there. He had no money anyway and couldn’t afford the luxury of a taxi or paying for parking. He set off up the street then turned, deciding to take the long way home so he could get space to clear his head.
After a few minutes of walking, he was on campus and sat down near the Student Center. He was there maybe twenty minutes when a campus cop showed up with his bright flashlight.
“Hey, you know the campus is closed.”
Jake nodded and moved to his feet slowly. “Sorry, I was alone tonight and walking around. I didn’t want to go home but I didn’t want to keep getting hit on by lonely women.”
“Ah, I get it. Well, you can’t stay here. How about you walk back to my squad car and I can drive you home.”
“There’s no need to drive me home. I live one block off campus in the direction you came from.”
The cop approached and stuck out his hand. “My name is Chris, by the way.”
Jake shook the guy’s hand, actually happy for the contact, even if it was the cops. “I’m Jake.”
“Jake, maybe you should stop by the center off Lowery in the morning. A few of the guys and myself are serving up Christmas lunch. I would love to see you there.”
The words stuck with Jake. Maybe he should go, but he knew he wouldn’t. He fell in line beside Chris, walking back to his squad car.
“Does this happen often? Lonely people hanging out on campus when they’re not supposed to?”
“Not often. Usually they’re drunk, and I end up taking them to the station to sleep it off.”
Jake wondered if Chris knew he’d had been drinking. “I had a scotch, but only one.”
“Yeah, I can smell it on your breath, but you seem fine. Maybe there’s someone you could call?”
He shook his head. “Everyone is probably asleep.”
Chris tapped the hood of his car. “You’re clean cut, not the typical loner college type. You also seem to be older than the teenagers who run around here. Were you military?”
“Yes, sir. Marine.”
“I was Army before I got out and came home. You need someone to ground you. Don’t waste your life being lonely. It may not be perfect, but sometimes you have to be with another person.”
Jake nodded and stared off at the streetlights. “I’m scared.”
“Of what?”
He couldn’t voice the fear; it was too much to even think about. How could he tell this stranger he was afraid of what his friendship with the guys meant? It wasn’t his friendship with the guys, on
ly one particular guy. Maybe he needed to find different friends, people who hadn’t been to hell with him so he could move on.
Jake shook his head. “Nothing, it’s stress.”
“Come by tomorrow, seriously. It’s off Lowery. We’ll open at eleven and stay until the food runs out.”
Jake nodded and agreed he would, although he was positive his words were a lie. When he got home he didn’t open his email, and he ignored the text from his dad. He dropped into bed and tossed and turned, finally falling asleep after more than an hour trying to rehash the past.
The next morning, he read the rest of the emails, saving the one from Brent for last.
Merry Christmas Dudes,
I miss you guys terribly. I’m at my mom’s house and it’s crazy. I’m never having kids. Once I’m home, I’ll write more,
You guys keep me sane.
Mike
Jake laughed at Mike. The poor guy would probably be married with kids within a year.
Merry Christmas,
I hope I’m not the only one who thinks people are getting too into the season. Seriously, I need a break from all the cheer. I did drink last night, but it was only two beers. I’m doing okay, and the beers weren’t to make me forget. It was just social. I don’t want it to become a problem, and that’s why I’m telling you guys.
Love you, Lane
BTW, I’m not dating anyone.
Jake was glad Lane wasn’t having an issue with alcohol. So many men and women came home after being in a war zone and lost their ability to cope. They turned to drugs and alcohol instead. The emotional scars took time to heal. They had to jump back into life with family and partners before they’d given themselves time to recover, because it was almost impossible not to take that shit home.
He opened the email from Thomas and was expecting tales of hijinks on the seas; instead, what he read shocked him.
Hey guys, Merry Christmas though there’s not much to be merry about right now,
Up until last night, I was in jail for the last three weeks. I should have called one of you, but I was angry and embarrassed and shocked they were still holding me. My boss fell on a boat and hit his head. He died and they blamed it on me, said I killed him. I wasn’t even there, but the cops wouldn’t listen. Once I got a decent public defender, suddenly the charges were dropped.
I don’t have a job, but I have an interview with another fishing charter company in two weeks. This is my best time of the year, and I’m missing tips. This is going to set me back, but I’ll survive.
I miss you guys,
Thomas
Jake hit reply and started typing. He couldn’t believe Thomas was going through so much shit. And why hadn’t he called?
Thomas,
What the hell? Why didn’t you call one of us for bail money? I’m glad you’re free and shit, but my God, you need to call us. We’re your brothers and we have your back. All of you, I’ve got your back. Call when bad shit happens.
Love you,
Jake
He left his phone number at the bottom of the email, regretting not sharing it before. The guys were more than his friends; they were his brothers. After getting a cup of coffee, he opened Brent’s email.
Hey Bros,
I have one semester left in school. I’m exhausted and ready to be done. I have an idea for a business. It’s only in its infancy, but I think it will work. Once I know more, I’ll share. Anyway, life is going okay. I’m spending Christmas with someone I’m dating. It’s been interesting. We really aren’t close, and I don’t see the relationship lasting for long, but it’s nice having someone around. I miss you guys. I’ll chat later.
Love ya,
Brent
Jake reread Brent’s post. His heart twisted and anger filled him. He wasn’t sure why though. He was glad Brent had someone. He had to be happy for Brent, right? The little twinge of anger wasn’t jealousy, couldn’t be, but it sure as hell felt like jealousy.
He sat back, staring at his computer and saw a range of replies from the rest of the guys. Every single one of them said the same thing to Thomas. He should have called.
4
The day was cool and the wind whipped down the street, making his morning run not so much fun. He thought about going to the lunch thing but decided against it. After showering and grabbing some leftovers that didn’t smell quite right, being alone hit him hard. He pushed the food around his plate, but gave up when he tasted a sour bite. Thirty minutes later he was in his car, headed to the center. He had no clue why he was going, but something called to him. Maybe it was the promise of companionship after missing his guys so much.
When he arrived at the place, he sat in his car, feeling very unsure about being there. He was about to start his car when the door to the building opened and the cop he’d met the night before stepped out.
The guy waved and moved toward him. “Hey, come on in. Don’t know if you remember, my name is Chris.”
Jake stepped out of his car, shoving the keys into his pocket. “Jake.”
“I remember your name,” Chris said.
Jake looked at the building then back to Chris. “Are you leaving?”
“No, I’m grabbing some spaghetti from my car. It’s the backup food, and it looks like we’ll need it.”
“Oh, is there enough food for me?”
“There is, but you need to get in now and grab a plate. After you eat, you can help us.”
Jake nodded and made sure his car was locked before heading inside. There were too many people to feel comfortable. If it weren’t for Chris, he would have taken off. He found a place to sit away from people with kids, though he could still hear them. Once seated, a young man came over, his eyes bright.
“Can I get you anything to drink.”
Jake shook his head. “No thank you, I’m fine.”
The guy shot him a wild smile and patted him on the shoulder. “If you need anything, ask.”
Jake was going to turn back to his food and ignore the kid, but he had to know something. “Thanks, so why are you here helping?”
“Oh, one of the police officers goes to my church. My family decided this would be a great way to help out for the day. You know, something other than stuffing ourselves and playing with gadgets we bought each other.”
He sighed, wondering if being in the Marines had jaded him so much he didn’t even try to have any real connections with people around him. This young man and his family had sacrificed to serve others and he was selfishly taking instead of giving. “That’s nice.”
The kid nodded then ran off. Jake finished his meal and thought of ducking out, but he realized there were still a bunch of people in line, and most of the people looked homeless. After tossing his plate, he found Chris.
“Hey, where would you like me?”
Chris glanced around before meeting Jake’s gaze. “How are you at serving brownies?”
Jake smiled. “I can help with the brownies.”
Chris winked and tilted his head toward a tall muscular guy with dark hair. “That’s my husband, Will. Could you help him out with the desserts? Hey, Will, I’m sending Jake your way.”
A pulse of confusion filled Jake as he stared at the man smiling at them. Had Chris said husband? He drew in a slow breath, wondering how many other people knew Chris was gay. He’d come from the military where Don’t Ask Don’t Tell had only recently been shredded, and it made him antsy being around gay guys who were out.
“Come on over, Jake.” Will called out. “We’re happy you came to help. Do you work with Chris?”
He stepped closer to Will, still confused. “No, he found me on campus last night and told me about this thing.”
“Well, it’s nice to have you here.” Will gave him some gloves and a pat on the back. “For now, give them one each. If they complain too much, give them two.”
Jake began serving brownies and then cookies. He wasn’t sure how many they served, but he stayed until after three when all the food
was gone and they were finished cleaning the room.
“I think the day was successful.” Chris came over and draped his arm around Will’s shoulder, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.
“Are you two really married? I didn’t think…” He trailed off, realizing how rude his question was.
“We went to Boston and got hitched. It was the best decision ever,” Chris said.
“Yep, he made an honest man out of me.” Will’s eyes were bright, his smile wide.
Jake had seen straight couples stare at each other with love in their eyes, but honestly he’d never seen two guys look at each other like one of them hung the moon. It made him a little uncomfortable.
“Hey, Jake, why don’t you come over to our place for dinner. We were going to watch a movie and rest after such a long day on our feet.”
Jake felt weird. He didn’t know these guys, but they were opening their house to him on Christmas day. “I don’t want to intrude.”
Will shook his head. “You won’t be intruding. Plus, this way, I can justify opening a bottle of wine. He never wants to drink much and I’d like some wine. If it’s just the two of us the bottle will never be finished. I can’t waste a whole bottle of wine.”
Jake stared at Chris then Will, unsure if they really wanted him there. He didn’t see any deception in their gazes. Nothing at home called to him, only loneliness. He’d wanted someone to hang out with, and though Chris and Will weren’t like his buddies in the military, they seemed nice enough.
After another few seconds, he realized there was nothing to keep him from going. “Sure, that would be good. Thank you for inviting me.”