by J. S. Finley
He pushed thoughts of Jake away and focused on his business meeting, which went better than he’d expected. He had a signed contract in less than an hour, and they were paying the rate he asked. With the new client, he would bring in enough money on a monthly basis he no longer needed to work for anyone else. In addition to his clients, he was developing a new security product which was more robust and flexible than anything else on the market. He had a few more tests to run before he could release the program, but he knew he would have business not long after the product hit the market.
Another email I’ll never send
Dang it,
I thought about calling you today. Would it have been a surprise? Maybe I will. Who am I kidding? I feel like I’ve lost all my chances. These emails are pointless. I shouldn’t write them. You don’t want me and never will. I’m sinking into depression…
6
Jake stretched out on the grass and must have drifted off, waking to stare up at Chris.
“Hey, no public sleeping.” Chris smiled down at him before dropping into a squat. His eyes were filled with compassion, which made Jake feel a little odd.
“God, I’m so exhausted.” Jake sat up and shook Chris’ hand. It had been a long time since he’d seen Chris and Will. He’d been so depressed after Christmas. The notes from his friends helped, but it wasn’t enough to keep the raging beast at bay.
Chris stood and glanced around before turning his attention back to Jake. “How are you doing?”
The man already thought he was fragile so he didn’t feel comfortable revealing his inner struggle. Jake stood and dusted off his pants. “Good. Tired. I’m taking too many classes and not getting any sleep.”
“Come over for dinner this Friday,” Chris said.
Jake stared across the lawn. Students were laughing, chatting about their weekends, classes, life. It was so banal but their freedom was what he’d fought for. Being home among regular people, he felt as though he’d paid too high a price.
“Is Will okay with me coming over?”
“Sure, he likes you.”
Jake was unsure if he should go hang out with the guys. The last time, he’d freaked out and run away. No matter how he looked at the situation, he felt it hadn’t gone well. Embarrassment filled him. “I don’t know.”
“Please, it’s been too long, and Will wants more wine. If you come over, he’ll open a bottle, which will make him happy.”
He glanced at Chris, wondering if the guy was being real. It had been a long time, but he wanted someone to talk to other than the students in his classes. “Okay, you’ve twisted my arm. Are you working right now?”
“No, I saw you over here and wanted to see what you were up to.”
Jake held up his book. “I’m supposed to be studying.”
“Then get at it. We don’t want you failing. I’ll see you on Friday. And don’t doubt it; my husband will be happy.” Chris waved and took off, heading across the lawn to the parking lot close by. Jake watched him go, wondering how weird it would be to have a husband in a world where gay men weren’t welcome.
Jake pushed the thoughts away and settled on the lawn before opening his book. He read for about an hour. When he was close to falling asleep again, he checked his email and found a note from Lane.
Hey Guys,
Brent and Clay had an awesome idea, and I want to throw this out there. I finish nursing school this summer, and I think Jake is almost done too. I looked up cabins in Tennessee, and I want to rent one. It would be $250 a night with four bedrooms. Yes, two of us would have to share the two rooms with double beds, but it would only be a little over $40 a night per person. I vote for seven nights, which makes it only $300 per person for the entire week.
The cabin has a kitchen, hot tub, game room, and is near a lake. We could fish for some of our meals and hang out, catching up on life. Who is in for the first week in November?
Your friend,
Lane
Jake drew in a slow breath as excitement filled him. Before he could think through everything and talk himself out of the week, he clicked Reply.
Hey guys,
I’m in. I need to see all of you. I’ll be finished with school by then and won’t let anything stop me from being there. I’ll be working, but I’m going to make sure my boss knows I’m not going to be able to come in that week.
Thank you for making this happen, Lane. Great idea, Clay and Brent. This is going to be an epic weekend.
I can’t wait to see you all,
Jake
It was only a few more months and then he would be back with his crew. The replies came in, and every single one of them would be able to make it for the week in the mountains. Excitement raced through Jake. It had been too long since he’d seen his friends, and now he had a date when he’d be able to see his guys. He missed them terribly.
The next few days were hard to get through, knowing he had a vacation coming. He was taking his last few classes and serious spring, well, summer, fever had hit. He didn’t want to do any work, but he had to complete his projects so he could graduate.
When he received an email from Brent on Friday evening, he thought it was part of the group email and pulled it up quickly. The first line threw him and he had to check the number of recipients. No one else was listed in the address field, and he breathed a sigh of relief.
Dear Jake,
We haven’t talked since we left the service. I’m sorry for how we left things. I want to make sure before we go into this trip we’re okay. Is there anything I can do? I miss hanging out with you most. I’m very sorry.
Your friend,
Brent
Jake closed his eyes and thought about that night. He ran his hands through his hair, wishing he could go back and change what had happened. Hell, he wished he could change so much. He’d messed up big time. And then after, he’d run from the churning emotions. He hit reply, typing out a quick message before he could stop himself.
Dear Brent,
I’m sorry for the way we left it too. I miss you. I don’t see any reason why we won’t be okay on this trip.
Your friend,
Jake
He hit send before he typed in something else, something more revealing than he wanted to say at this point. They would be good, at least he hoped they would.
His phone beeped and he saw a text from Chris, asking him to bring something sweet. He would need to stop by the store and pick up a pie from the bakery. On the drive over to his friends’ place, he thought of Brent and how much he missed the guy. It had been too long. Maybe it had been too long for all of them and this week in the mountains would be a mistake, but he prayed they would connect easily and the week would be fun.
Jake stopped by the store and was a few minutes late to Chris’ place. Will bounded out of the house when he pulled up to the curb and wrenched open his door. “Goodness, it’s nice to see you.”
He chuckled as he stepped out of the car. Will tugged him into a tight hug and he sighed because for a moment it felt like being with his guys. November couldn’t get here soon enough.
“Hey, Will, how’re you doing?”
“I’m good. Did you bring any dessert? Chris was supposed to ask.”
He laughed and nodded as he stepped away from Will. “I picked up a small cherry torte and a chocolate cream pie.”
“Oh my God, I think I’m in love with you. Chris, you’re out, he’s in.”
Chris burst out laughing as he walked up behind them. “You’re too funny, Will.”
“I’m starving is what I am,” Will snipped back.
“I know. You’re always hungry now. Are you pregnant?”
Jake opened his mouth to say something but the question from Chris threw him. Will laughed and slapped Jake on the back, leaving his hand on Jake’s shoulder as they headed inside. Chris grabbed the bag from the back seat of Jake’s car.
“I’m not pregnant but I’m not going to tell him that. He’s being a jerk to me beca
use I’ve been waking up early every day and heading into the gym. He thinks I should stay home with him and suck his morning wood. I think he wants me barefoot and pregnant, so I can’t go flirt with the hot guys in the morning.”
“Wait, there are hot guys there?” Chris called out behind them.
“See, he’s jealous.”
Jake laughed and his heart filled with happiness. It had been too long since he’d felt this way. He should have come to see Chris and Will before now. They hadn’t done anything wrong last Christmas. He’d been dealing with a lot at the time. His emotions had been riding high, and his fears were hardcore from his time in the military. The last few months had been tough, but he’d somehow made it through.
“Hey Chris, Will, thank you for having me over. Really, I appreciate it.”
“We missed you,” Chris said.
Jake nodded and his lips turned up. “I needed to work through a few things.”
Will headed into the kitchen, and Jake followed but stayed out of the way. The two men pulled food from the oven and a dish from the microwave.
“Smells great,” Jake said.
“Thanks, are you ready to eat because I’m starving,” Will said.
“Sure I could always eat.”
They sat at a rectangular table, occupying one end. Will uncorked a bottle of red wine and poured them glasses. Jake took the first bite of a chicken dish and moaned. The food tasted better than it smelled. Will looked like he was in heaven.
“Ah, now that I have some food in me, I can act more like a human.” Will stabbed more food with his fork and gave Jake a huge smile. “It’s great having you over. Like Chris said, we missed you.”
Jake finished chewing before he nodded. “It’s been a tough couple of years for me.”
“How are you doing now?” Chris asked.
“Better. I’m almost done with school. I have one class I’m taking this summer, and I have a job starting in August. I’m stoked because I have a trip I’m planning with my friends from the military in November.”
“Really, where are you headed?” Will asked.
“The Tennessee mountains. The cabin looks great, and we’ll be able to fish and hang out, and then there’s Dollywood close by.”
“Dollywood!” Will’s eyes were huge and filled with wonder. “I love Dolly Parton.”
Chris burst out laughing. “You love boobs because when they’re pressed together they look like little butt cracks.”
Will slapped Chris’ arm. “Oh my God, Chris, I can’t believe you said that out loud.”
Chris tilted his head, and his lips twisted into a smirk. “It’s true though.”
“Fine, I love cleavage because it looks like butt cracks.”
Jake was laughing at their antics. Why hadn’t he come back here after the last time? These guys were fun and he liked hanging out with them.
Will leaned in, his voice low. “So Jake, tell me, do you love boobs too?” Will wagged his eyebrows and then made a purring noise.
Jake almost choked on his food. “You two are too funny.”
“That’s a yes. He likes boobs too.” Will’s eyes twinkled as he sipped his wine, and Chris shook his head.
After dinner, they took their pie and torte slices to the back yard and sat around a wood burning chimney while they drank the rest of the bottle of wine. The stars were out and the moon sat low on the horizon, looking larger than usual. He wondered how seeing his friends again would turn out. A lot of time had passed, but maybe not too much. His thoughts turned to Brent and he shivered.
“Getting cold?” Chris asked.
“No, I’m fine.”
They ate in silence, with only the sound of their forks hitting the plate and the crackle of wood in the fire interrupting them. The hum of the city played out in the background, but here in this area with its tall trees, it was easy to ignore the cars on the freeway not too far away.
Jake’s whole body warmed as thoughts of Brent wove through his mind. He wasn’t gay, and he didn’t know why he was thinking this way about his friend. Jake’s head buzzed as he tried to shove the lie away. He knew exactly why he was thinking this way about Jake, but he didn’t want to admit the truth, like he didn’t want to admit the content of the emails he hadn’t sent.
“How did you know you were gay?” The question slipped out before he could stop the train of thought.
“What do you mean?” Chris asked.
Jake picked up his wine glass and twirled the stem, taking a sip before meeting Chris’ gaze. He was moving into dangerous territory. He should end this now, but the words were out there. “How do you know for sure?”
Will took a sip of his wine and then pinned him with a stare. “Well, when you look at a guy and wonder what his cock would feel like in your hand or your mouth, you kind of know.”
Jake sighed and shook his head. He’d never had those thoughts about anyone other than Jake, but he really liked spending time with other guys. Which was most likely why he hadn’t even tried to date anyone recently.
“Are you asking in general?” Chris asked.
Jake shook his head. “No, forget it.”
Chris took a bite of pie, chewing slowly before speaking. “I think I knew I was gay in the seventh or eighth grade. It seemed like every single guy in my school was excited about the cheer girls wearing their cheer uniforms, and I was excited about the guys in their football pants.”
Will wagged his eyebrows. “I remember being in high school and thinking about guys and their butts.”
Chris laughed and slapped Will on the knee. “You do have a thing about butts.”
“I do.” Will giggled then straightened and took another sip of wine.
Chris cleared this throat. “Are you thinking of asking someone out?”
Jake’s face was burning. He was glad they were out here where the light from the fire and the moon were dim and muted the colors he was sure showed on his cheeks. He took another bite of the pie and swallowed.
“No, I…um…was wondering.”
Will looked like he was about to say something but ate more pie. Jake knew he wasn’t gay because he’d never thought that way about another guy, except for Brent. But thinking about Brent turned him on. What did that mean?
They finished their food, and Will took the plates inside. Chris grabbed them something to drink, and they talked about the university and living in Atlanta. His earlier thoughts questioning how someone knew they were gay were forgotten as they chatted about movies filming in the area.
After the fire started to die, Jake got up and hugged Will first, then Chris. He wouldn’t wait so long to get together with them again.
“Hey, don’t be a stranger,” Chris said.
“I won’t. I feel better now.”
Chris squeezed his shoulder. “Good. I’ll call in a couple of weeks.”
“Thanks.”
Jake did feel better than he had in months. The good feeling carried over, and he spent the weekend finishing his project for his last class. He sent an email to his new employer, stating the dates he’d be in Tennessee. Since the company where he’d gotten a job was in Atlanta, he wasn’t moving yet. This place where he’d lived for the last few years was cheap, close to downtown, and he wouldn’t have to spend time moving. Later, once he started making money, he would find a nicer place.
Excitement grew as the trip neared. They made plans to fish and hike. One of the days in Tennessee, they would head into Dollywood, but for the most part, they were going to relax and spend time catching up. A few weeks before the trip, Lane suggested they extend their week by one night, which would give them eight nights together. Excitement built in anticipation of the trip and he couldn’t wait to see his friends.
What if I sent this email?
Hey again,
I’m beginning to believe these emails are therapy for me. There are things I can’t say to you. Maybe this is all in my head. You were such a good friend to me. Really, you were the best. Do y
ou remember the time I got the note about my mom being in the hospital and you held me? That’s what I’m talking about. You were always so nice.
When I see you in Tennessee, I wonder if it will be weird or if we’ll mesh like we did before. I should have called, texted, maybe been a decent friend and tried to talk to you, but I didn’t. I’m sorry.
Me
7
The weather had turned cold, but snow wasn’t in the forecast. The Weather Channel was saying the icy mix might dip south, but he didn’t think it would affect him or their trip. Jake hefted his rucksack over his shoulder and smiled. This week was going to be epic. He couldn’t believe all six of them had been able to take off work and head to the mountains for a guys’ weekend. The last time they were all together had been shitty as hell, but this time, there would be no bombs going off, no bullets to worry about. Just the sun and Tennessee nights sitting around a fire pit, having a glorious time fishing and hiking, telling stories, and staying up late. He was glad they weren’t roughing it though. The hot tub was calling to him and so was the game room with the pool table.
Two months after starting his job, his rusted out old car had died. He was now the proud owner of a new truck, which was packed with his bags. Excitement ripped through him as he slid behind the wheel. He’d been looking forward to this weekend, and he didn’t think anything could ruin it.
The drive from Atlanta wasn’t too bad since he’d started early, waking as the sun had started to show on the horizon. Along the way, he’d stopped for a big breakfast, arriving near noon to pick up the key from the rental office. With Lane at the helm, they’d planned this trip well, and each of them had responsibilities; his were the keys and groceries.