The True Colour of a Little White Lie

by Gabriel Bergmoser

  I was so caught up in my thoughts I barely noticed the beep had happened until I’d already hit the run. For a moment panic seized me. I hadn’t mentally prepared myself or charted my course. I hadn’t played out any of this in my head. I was just doing it, flailing down the slope in full view of Jackson and the rest.

  I passed the first marker, then the next. I didn’t even look at how close I’d made the turn. It didn’t matter. I wasn’t going to qualify on my game, let alone like this.

  A few more turns and that was it. A second marquee, a final pair of flags and a second group of spectators filled my vision. I was done.

  I kept my eyes down, not wanting to see the laughs or the pity. I knew where the lift was, just metres away. I went to ski towards it.

  ‘Hey, what are you doing?’

  I glanced back. A woman standing behind another trestle table was shaking her head at me.

  ‘You have to wait for your time,’ she said. ‘They’re giving them out in lots of twenty.’

  I wanted to tell her I didn’t care about my time, or the race. But that would just make me look worse, so I nodded and shuffled to the side. Maybe whoever followed me would stack so badly that nobody would remember my grim attempt.

  Within what felt like moments, Jackson skied up beside me, looking predictably thrilled with himself. ‘How’d you go, dude?’

  I mumbled something non-committal.

  ‘Looked alright to me.’

  That sounded a lot like condescension. I glanced at him, gritted my teeth, and spoke before my nerve failed me. ‘Do you mind not mentioning this to anyone back home?’

  He frowned at me. ‘Why?’

  ‘It’s just …’ I gestured feebly at the run. ‘Look, I didn’t think I could actually pull it off. There’s this girl and I thought I’d try to impress her, but I was stupid and I really, really don’t need this added to the list of embarrassing stuff I’ve done, okay? Not after the swimming carnival and the whole “thinking” disaster and … and everything else.’

  Jackson shrugged. ‘I honestly thought you did fine.’

  ‘Thanks,’ I said, ‘but we both know I didn’t.’

  For a moment neither of us spoke.

  ‘What “thinking” disaster?’ Jackson asked.

  I looked at him, disbelieving. ‘Seriously?’

  ‘What am I being serious about?’

  I searched his face, looking for any sign of the approaching punchline. Either he was a really good liar, or he meant it.

  I shook my head. ‘You’re better off not knowing. I just assumed everyone did.’

  ‘Okay then.’ He sounded bemused. ‘For what it’s worth, I do think that if you’re always watching out for the worst-case scenario then you probably won’t see anything else.’

  I went to reply, but had nothing to say.

  ‘Alright, everyone paying attention?’ The woman from the trestle table was moving towards us, paper in hand. ‘You have to get under two minutes twenty seconds to qualify for the Whittaker. It’s tougher than usual, but we’ve had a lot of applicants. So these are your times.’

  I braced myself as the names were read out. The people before me had all failed, apart from one guy who was very obviously trying not to look stoked. I briefly wished that the woman would somehow miss me out and end this. But no, she was reading out my name. I closed my eyes.

  ‘Two minutes ten seconds.’

  I opened my eyes and stared at her, waiting for the correction. It didn’t come. She kept reading names.

  ‘Jackson Riley: two minutes twenty-four seconds.’

  Jackson clapped me on the shoulder. I looked at him, mouth still hanging open. Absurdly, I wanted to apologise. But he was smiling.

  ‘See? It’s not always as bad as you think.’

  I nodded dumbly. I wasn’t sure I’d ever speak again.

  I’d qualified for the Whittaker.

  I was going to do the race.

  And with that thought, my euphoria turned into something quite a bit less pleasant.

  I was going to do the race.

  Crap.

  Mum told me that we’d be leaving right after dinner that night, but some issue with somebody’s paperwork kept her in the reception area talking to Robbie. I sat at the base of the stairs with my bag, tapping my foot and waiting. Finally, figuring they were going to be a while, I walked back up to the staff room. Nobody was in there, so I returned to the sleeping quarters without quite being sure why. I stopped at my room and opened the door. I’d really liked this being my day-to-day home over the holidays, not just the place I escaped to on the weekends. But by the next school holidays the snow would have melted and the season would be over. I didn’t want to think about that.

  I turned away and saw that the door at the far end of the hall, the one that opened onto the back street behind the Gal, was open. I walked over. Matt was sitting on the steps, cigarette in hand as he gazed at the evening sky.

  I sat down next to him and for a few moments neither of us spoke.

  ‘Heard you went out with Hayley today,’ he said.

  I nodded, wondering if he felt that was a betrayal, or if I should bring up qualifying.

  ‘She say anything about me?’

  ‘A few things.’

  ‘Nothing nice, I guess.’

  ‘Not really.’

  He took a long drag. ‘It’s complicated.’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘I mean it.’ He looked at me. ‘I don’t want you to leave here thinking I’m some bad guy.’

  ‘I don’t think that,’ I said. ‘I don’t know what happened. It’s none of my business.’

  He watched me for a few more uncomfortable seconds, then nodded and took another drag. ‘It’s weird, y’know? I always thought that when I grew up I’d figure stuff out. Like, I’d know what I was doing. Bit of a joke that turned out to be. I’ve got no goddamn clue.’ He shook his head. ‘I never meant to hurt anyone, understand? I really didn’t. It just … It’s like a different world up here. Stuff happens that would never happen down below and you have to try and keep your head above water. I guess that’s why people come back and do the season year after year. They get so caught up in it and the real world isn’t enough any more.’

  ‘Would you come back?’ I tried to keep the hopeful note out of my voice.

  He laughed. ‘Once was enough, mate.’

  I looked at him then, but his eyes were on the road. ‘You’re going.’

  ‘Don’t see how I can stay,’ he said. ‘Everyone still has a job to do, you know? And I’m past the point of wanting to live surrounded by drama. So yeah, I’m off this week. Get some work in the city or something.’

  I wanted to point out that Matt had caused the drama he was so disgusted by, but I didn’t. I didn’t say anything.

  ‘I’m glad I met you, Nel,’ he said. ‘You’re a cool guy. I really hope stuff works out with that chick.’

  ‘Juliet,’ I said.

  ‘That’s the one.’

  Matt patted me on the shoulder. Then, flicking his cigarette butt into the stained snow, he stood and walked away, leaving me alone on the stairs as evening darkened into night.

  17

  Over the last year, I’d gotten used to people muttering ‘thinking’ at me or else making disgusted faces when I passed or throwing things at me in the library or whatever. It wasn’t nice, but like anything I’d eventually just figured it was part of life and I had other stuff to focus on. But now things were different. Not enormously so – I hadn’t suddenly come back to find myself the most popular person in the school – but people were just … leaving me alone. One or two actually nodded at me as I passed them, and Jackson Riley and his mates occasionally said hello. One time in the library, a couple of Year Sevens came up and asked if it was true that I’d qualified for the Whitt. Even Dale Dickson had stopped sneering at me.

  I had moved up the tiniest amount possible: from joke to nobody. I would have switched it to have Pat back, or any friend
at all down here, but it wasn’t the worst thing to come back to. So I just lived my life and daydreamed about Juliet and counted down the minutes until I was back on the mountain, back to where I was starting to think of as my real home.

  The problem was, the coming weekend was an Adele weekend, which meant there was a conversation I had to have despite really, really not wanting to.

  Doing so proved very hard on Friday night. When I walked into the games room, Adele met me with a giant hug and lots of talking about how the holidays had been. Sitting on the couch with her, I waited for a natural point to tell her about Juliet, but it never came. And so by the end of that night, after promising another day of skiing together, I was back in my room wishing I was braver or meaner or both.

  Robbie joined me for breakfast the next day, and I asked her to fill me in on everything I’d missed.

  ‘Well, Hayley’s gone for a start,’ she said. ‘Matt too.’

  I gaped at her. I’d known about Matt, but Hayley? I thought back to her doing the Summit Jump. I couldn’t imagine why she’d want to be anywhere else after that.

  ‘Stuff got complicated, I think,’ Robbie said, seeing my expression. ‘They’re young, they’re confused and, y’know …’ She shrugged. ‘It’s easier sometimes to get away rather than face things head on.’

  I glanced over to where Ash was eating alone in a corner. ‘Still. It sucks.’

  ‘Maybe,’ Robbie said. ‘I don’t think Matt was an especially nice person.’

  I didn’t know that I agreed. Matt had never been anything less than nice to me. But I decided not to argue the point.

  ‘Anyway, what have you got on today?’ Robbie asked.

  ‘I’m going skiing with Adele.’

  ‘Oh, really?’ Robbie brightened. ‘That’s happened a few times now, hasn’t it?’

  ‘Nothing’s going on,’ I said. Then, with a quick glance around and that little thrill of warm pride I felt whenever I told anyone, I leaned in and said, ‘I kissed Juliet last weekend.’

  I’m not sure what I expected from Robbie, but she just nodded. ‘Good for you.’

  ‘Why don’t you like her?’ I asked.

  ‘I don’t not like her,’ Robbie said, focusing on cutting up her bacon. ‘I just don’t know her.’

  ‘Yeah, but I mean, you act like Adele is this sure thing and Juliet’s a bad second choice.’

  ‘I don’t think either of those things,’ Robbie said. ‘I just have a feeling about one and not the other. Adele just seems … I don’t know. She seems to suit you. But either way, you have to be clear with her.’

  Maybe that was what I needed to hear. When Adele walked over to our table and asked if I was ready to hit the slopes, I told her I would be shortly and – pointedly not catching Robbie’s eye – hurried off to my room to collect the sheet of paper on which I’d written a little script to help me out today.

  Hi Adele, I hope your day is going well. Is it?

  Yes, Nelson, it is.

  That’s good. I wanted to ask if you have romantic feelings for me.

  Yes, I do/No, I do not.

  If Adele said no, that was the end of the script. Everyone lived happily ever after. But if she said yes …

  Well, I feel the need to explain that I am, in fact, in love with somebody else and it simply wouldn’t be fair for me to lead you on like this. I hope we can remain friends.

  At that point the script stopped, as it was kind of hard to work out what Adele would say or do in response. She might understand and let that be the end; or she might get upset or angry or any number of other things it was impossible to predict. And without that ability to predict it was impossible to write the rest of the script, which made it essentially useless.

  Still, I kept it in my pocket as we went out on the slopes, and played it out in my head as we raced to the bottom of the longer runs. I even tried to make a start as we talked idly on the lift, but it just wasn’t happening. The sun was out and the snow was crisp; it just felt wrong to ruin a good day of skiing. So I let it fall by the wayside as we covered run after run, until eventually we ended up at the top of the Summit.

  My eyes turned to the Jump. ‘You ever thought about doing it?’ I asked.

  ‘What?’ Adele replied.

  I nodded at the jump, then noticed her mouth was slightly agape as she stared at me. Oh crap.

  ‘No! I meant … I meant the jump. The Summit Jump.’ I pointed towards it.

  ‘Oh!’ Adele’s laugh was a little high-pitched. ‘Oh, right. Good. The Jump. Um, yeah. Like, I haven’t, but …’ She looked at it. ‘It just seems really daunting, y’know?’

  I thought about Hayley doing her 360 off the edge. ‘Maybe not for everyone.’

  ‘That’s always the case though, right?’ Adele mused, eyes still on the jump. ‘Like, there are things that some people make seem really easy even though they’re terrifying.’

  ‘I guess practice helps.’

  ‘Yeah, but …’ Adele seemed flustered for some reason. ‘That doesn’t really explain how you get that practice, y’know? Like, how some people just make things look effortless.’

  I was confused. Doing big jumps seemed like a pretty obvious way to get practice in that territory. I looked at Adele to tell her that, only to find that she was a lot closer than she’d been a minute ago.

  ‘Well, um …’ I stammered. ‘I guess —’

  She kissed me. It was brief, less than a second, before she stepped back, cheeks beneath her goggles now bright red.

  ‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘I just … Sorry, I shouldn’t have. Sorry.’

  I stared at her and tried to remember the script. But the script was all based on asking her how she felt about me, which now seemed obvious. I couldn’t remember what I’d written down to say if she said yes.

  I had no idea what the hell I was supposed to do now. And why did she have to keep looking at me like that, in that terrified way that made telling her the truth feel like the cruellest thing I could possibly do?

  ‘No, it’s … it’s okay,’ I said. ‘Just a surprise, that’s all.’

  ‘I hope it wasn’t a bad surprise.’ Her voice was tentative and tiny.

  I shook my head. ‘No. Not at all. Just a … surprise.’

  I spent that evening in my room, away from Adele, after coming up with some excuse about having to help my parents in the kitchen. In theory I was there to read; in practice I was pacing as I tried to work out what I was supposed to do.

  If somebody had told me just a few months ago that within a week I would have kissed two girls and have no clue what to do about it, I would have figured that Dale Dickson was smarter than I thought and had come up with an elaborate prank. But now here I was, adrift and trying to work out what the hell to do.

  What I needed was someone to talk to, but Matt was gone; and Robbie, apart from the fact that I doubted she would approve of me letting things go this far, clearly liked Adele a lot more than she liked Juliet. Which left me without anybody to really listen to how I felt and help me out. I wasn’t even going to bother trying to call Pat.

  Did I have feelings for Adele? The answer to that question was slippery. If you’d asked me when I was with Juliet it would have been a clear no; but with all the time away from her it was hard not to get confused. Because Adele was pretty and very cool and the kind of girl who, not long ago, I never could have believed would even look at me twice, let alone look at me in the way she did. And beyond that, if I was honest with myself, she seemed to make more sense for me than Juliet. We shared interests, and that had to mean something, right? But it obviously hadn’t counted for much as far as my feelings were concerned, because, whether I liked it or not, it was Juliet who kept me awake at night; Juliet who made me feel restless and nervous and desperate for the next trip up the mountain.

  I glanced at my watch. It was late; almost eleven. I was going to get a cup of tea or something, then have a shower, go to bed and hope that a solution would magically appear overnight.
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  I was on my way down the silent hall when I heard something. I don’t know why it made me stop, but it did. I listened and there it was again – like a giggle, but different somehow. Higher-pitched and breathless.

  Then the hum of a low, male voice, fast and muttered. It was coming from the shower room.

  Slowly I walked over and, with a quick glance around to make sure I was alone, put my ear to the door.

  The giggle came again, then a female voice. ‘Not too fast. Might not be able to …’ Followed by a moan that made me feel weirdly uncomfortable.

  ‘Not so fast?’ That was Charlie’s voice, but not like I’d heard him before. His tone was teasing.

  ‘Someone might hear.’

  I recognised Esther’s voice now. She sounded flustered, distracted, but not in a bad way.

  Whatever Charlie said in reply was lost in a wave of renewed heavy breathing.

  I knew what was happening, but somehow I couldn’t move. Even though this was private and personal and not a moment anybody would want overheard, something kept me rooted to the spot. Some weird feeling that wasn’t all that far off the electricity I’d felt when Juliet and I kissed. Then – a cry and a gasp and laughing from both of them.

  I returned to my room, shut the door and sat on the lower bunk in the dark. My heart was racing. I felt flushed and shaky. I’d never heard something like that in real life, between people I knew. Something that told me that sex was real and possible and happening behind closed doors all around me.

  After a few minutes I heard the door to the shower room open, and Charlie’s and Esther’s voices as they walked back to their rooms. Neither of them sounded like anything especially interesting had just happened. To them, I guessed, it was normal.

  But I couldn’t get to sleep for a long time.

  18

  I’d be lying if I said something didn’t shift for me in the days and weeks after hearing Charlie and Esther together. A shift that became clearer the next time I saw Juliet. I didn’t say anything to her or give any indication of what I was thinking – I didn’t want to creep her out or give her a reason to run away or anything – but I couldn’t help the fact that, in my quietest, loneliest moments, what I’d overheard kept jumping back into my head.