by Asrai Devin
She was panting as well, her good senses dulled by their intimacy. “Can’t what?”
“Keep kissing you.”
“Right, of course.” Her body went cold. She didn’t want him to stop. More, more kissing, more touching. Her heart cried as she lost his touch. She didn’t want him to be right. She squeezed her eyes shut.
No, no, no, he wasn’t right. He needed to keep kissing her. Frustration crowded her logic, slamming her fist into something would feel great. Him, herself, the wall.
Her good sense warred with her lust.
“Okay.” He backed away toward the door. “That won’t happen again.”
She nodded, unsure of what was happening. “Right. I won’t let it.” Her mouth was dry. She needed a drink.
“I’m your boss. I’m your uncle. I’m older. I can’t believe I let myself lose control like that.” Right he was protecting her.
Even if she didn’t want to be protected. “Ben, don’t worry. Go to sleep. This won’t matter in the morning.”
He left the room, and she muttered, “Chickenshit,” to herself. She had the golden opportunity in front of her to tell him how she felt, but she let it slip out of her fingers. She saw the fear in his eyes. If she had told him, she might have lost him. Letting him go tonight was the right thing to do. She wasn’t going anywhere, he wasn’t going anywhere.
Besides, no matter what words he spoke, his actions were the truth. He could lie to himself, lie to her. But he couldn’t hide his true feelings. He wanted her, he loved her.
Her mom’s favorite wisdom was that people can lie to themselves and to you, actions never lie. No one can hide the truth.
She wanted him so bad she could taste him.
But he was fighting it for many reasons. She knew all the reasons. She recited them to herself on a daily basis to keep from kissing him. To keep from telling him she loved him.
She had to find the logic in the situation. She loved him, she was attracted to him. He felt the same but feared what it meant. His own brand of nobility.
Of course that was part of why she loved him.
Once the fear disappeared, when things returned to normal between them, she would tell him. She would confess her feelings, she could jump on him and kiss him. She would ask him how he really felt. He wouldn’t lie to her. And he never said no to a direct request from her. But it was also what he wanted.
She literally could not fail in this.
She rolled over and dug in the side table. Her vibrator had been in her drawer since she moved in. Most nights she was so exhausted she fell asleep the moment she crawled into bed. She did use the jets in his tub once.
Tonight, she needed release. The kiss had brought her to a place of deep frustration. A good orgasm would help her. It wouldn’t be as good as Ben touching her, at least she assumed. She’d never let anyone touch her intimately.
She planned her first time to be the summer after she graduated, but her boyfriend who was away at college came home with a girlfriend. But that ended in devastation, the way you can only be after you lose your first love. She tried to date for years, tried to convince herself to have sex with someone, anyone. She wanted to, but when she looked at the man across from her, she didn’t feel a deep connection with anyone.
But of course, typically, annoyingly, it was Ben. Always Ben.
The what ifs crept in. A funk set in to her chest.
She turned on her vibrator. He wanted her, the kiss was proof. She felt him. He wanted her.
With that in mind, she let her mind drift to everything she wanted him to do with her, while she swirled the vibrator around her soft nether lips and clit.
She hoped he heard the buzz of the toy and knew she was in here touching herself. Would he touch himself knowing what she was going?
She rocked her hips while wishing her door would open and he would be naked, ready for her. His hands sliding over her body, then his mouth.
The idea sent shivers up and down her spine. What would it be like to have him here? To feel his body against hers, his naked skin, his… cock. She’d like to touch him there, take him into her mouth even.
She pressed her legs together trapping her hand and pressing the vibrator closer. And she exploded. A sob of desire escaped her mouth, and she pressed her the back of her hand over her mouth. She pulled her hand from between her legs and flicked the switch off. She lay quietly in bed, not daring to move while she listened for a sign he’d heard her.
None came, so she tucked the toy back in the drawer and pulled the covers over her body. She tried to swallow the disappointment. But it sat heavy in her chest.
He was probably asleep. Or working. She sighed. Tomorrow, she would go for it with him. She would lay herself bare, not literally, she didn’t have the confidence, though she would keep the idea in case this one failed.
She had to convince him everything he thought about her was wrong.
Chapter 13
Selene had the whole speech planned for Friday night. They were heading into the building and she was rehearsing it in her when Heidi waved across the lobby. She walked faster, giving Ben a look over her shoulder.
“I thought you were meeting Steve.”
“He called me two minutes ago to cancel. Again.”
Ben caught up to them. “This is a chance for you two of you to go out.”
“Do you want to?” Heidi asked. “We’re meeting friends.”
Selene looked at Ben who nodded. She told him she wanted to go out. And she’d drink enough to become tipsy and maybe that would help her overcome her fear of telling him how she really felt.
She wished she hadn’t looked at him for confirmation. “Okay. I need to change. Freshen up my hair and makeup.”
“That’s a good idea,” Heidi said.
In the apartment she kicked off her shoes to rid herself of the anger. One shoe skidded into the kitchen. She grumbled and retrieved it.
“What’s wrong?” Ben asked.
“Nothing.”
“After Heidi got off the elevator you huffed and snorted. You don’t want to go?”
“I want to go but I had a plan for the evening, some stuff that needs attention. I want to go out. But tonight, I had a different plan. I’m trying to adjust.”
“I see. You’ll have fun.”
“I know.” She didn’t want to leave him. “Do you want to come?”
“I’m too old for bars and going out.”
“You are not too old. But I know you have work that requires attention.” He always had work that was urgent. Some nights he resisted the lure of leisure time more than others.
They studied each other. She could leave him for a few hours. She hadn’t been apart from him since she got here. It was probably best if she did for a bit. To get breathing room and perspective.
She sighed. “I’m going to blame you for making me want to stay home. I’m going to miss you a little.”
He wrapped his arms around her. “I’ll miss you too, kitten. I’ll be here when you get home.” Ben waiting for her at home was a wonderful thought.
“Okay.” She pulled away from him and went to change and put on makeup for the night out.
Heidi sent Selene a message letting her know she was in the lobby and the taxi was on its way. She rushed to put on her lipstick, give Ben one last kiss on the cheek and hurry downstairs.
“So did you talk to him?” Heidi asked in the car.
Selene shook her head. “I chickened out. We did kiss though. Oh my god.”
“Good?”
“Yes good.”
Heid looked at her for a long moment. “Let me tell you about my friends that we are meeting. You’ll love them. They’ll love you. Especially Andy. He’s so damn funny.”
At the bar, Heid introduced Andy, Leah, Josh, Nell. Josh and Nell were a couple. Very in love. She chatted with them all, she enjoyed them. But she couldn’t drink, she couldn’t relax. All she thought about was Ben.
Heidi on the other hand, w
as very loose. She found Selene in the corner, scrolling through her photos of Ben. Heidi grabbed the phone. She scrolled through. “He’s gorgeous, isn’t he?”
“He is,” Selene said.
“Oh, go home and fuck him,” Heidi said.
“I wish.”
Heidi sighed and held Selene’s phone out. “I have to tell you something.”
“About?” She took the phone and looked at Ben’s picture for one more moment. Then she turned it off.
“Ben texted me a couple of days ago.”
“Okay.”
“He asked me to do him a favor.”
“Like what?” Selene wanted to shake the story out of Heidi.
“He asked me to set you up on a date.”
Selene’s stomach dropped and a prickly heat crept up her neck. “He what? How did he even find your number?”
“I thought you gave it to him.”
“Nope. He snagged my phone and got your number. The other night at the gym I left it at home the apartment. I bet I have a few times. I have the password set as my parents phone number, would have taken him twenty seconds to guess.” She grabbed her glass and found it empty. “He wants me to starting dating?”
Heidi gave her an apologetic smile, but clearly she was uncomfortable being in the middle of this.
Selene sucked the watered down soda from her glass. “Maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t tell him I love him. Clearly this means he meant what he said. He doesn’t want me, and I should start dating.” Pain spread through her chest, but she pretended it didn’t affect her. She had zero interest in dating anyone else. She wanted him, only him, always him. But he didn’t want her. So she had to move on.
“You said you need a little more time.”
“Nope. I don’t want to wait.” She signaled the waiter. She needed a strong drink.
“So…?”
“Who do you know that you’re thinking of setting me up with?”
“What about Andy? He’s so sweet. If I wasn’t with Steve, I swear to god, I’d marry him. If not Steve has friends who are lawyers who are awesome, and not on cases that require them to work ninety hours a week.” There was a red tinge to Heidi’s voice.
Selene knew about workaholics. Ben worked incessantly for difference reasons than Steve. She supported him. She loved him. And this was the thanks she got: a big sign that said, “I Don’t Want You.” This was the billboard for the product of not wanting her.
Well, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, go fuck yourself.
“Sure, Andy sounds nice. But don’t do it tonight. Ask him after I leave. I can’t take it tonight if he says no. And you have to make it a double date with you and Steve. But I am free tomorrow night.”
“Whatever you need, Selene. If Steve can’t come, maybe the three of us? Would that be weird?”
“Three friends getting drinks. Nothing weird about that.” It wasn’t about Andy, or anyone. She wanted, she hoped the date would make Ben jealous. She should be sorry for using Heidi and her friend in that way. But she was too mad to care right now.
The waiter came over and she ordered a shot of whiskey and a cosmopolitan. She looked at her phone. Ben leaning against the kitchen, staring at his phone, dressed in a dark blue suit stared back at her. He didn’t know half the pictures she had of him. Many he had consented to her taking: them in the car together, at meetings, him after a workout with his hair standing on end.
How could she have been his feelings so wrong? Or was this his attempt to push her away? Either way if it made him happy she was going to do it.
She took a cab home alone after she finished her drinks. She fought tears the whole way. He was hunched over his computer, but the TV was on. He hadn’t even changed only removed his jacket and rolled up his sleeves. She saw the strain in his eyes as he met her gaze. Her heart lurched for him.
“Hey you’re home early.”
“It was fun, but I am an introvert at heart.” She kept far enough away so he couldn’t touch her. If he touched her, she would forgot she was upset with him.
“Yeah? I’m glad you had a good time.”
She picked up his plate. At least he’d eaten supper. “Heidi wants to set me up on a date with her friend, Andy.”
He looked surprised. Right, he told her to wait a few weeks. Too fucking bad. “Yeah? That would be good. I know you went out more when you were in college.”
Yeah, in college after Ben moved away, she had no reason to stay home. She was so fucking pathetic. She turned away because she was going to cry. And he would to wrap his arms around her and she was going to fall in love with him again.
“I’m exhausted. I think I’ll go to bed.”
She felt his body heat behind her. He pressed a kiss to the back of her head. “That’s probably a good idea.”
Her phone beeped. Heidi: Drinks tomorrow night with Andy.
Perfect. She curled her fingers into fists to keep from touching Ben. She took his plate to the kitchen and put it in the sink. Maybe she’d hit off with Adam, or maybe it would make Ben realize what he stood to lose. Either way, a date sounded like the perfect next step for her life.
She was going out with someone else. This was exactly what he wanted. He literally planned for this to happen. He should be happy for her. He was happy for her. Now if he could only shake his jealousy. The entire day had been hell while she breezily talked about her date and all the things Heidi said about the guy.
Ben was thankful she was going out right after they got home from work. There was no way he could eat with her. As soon as she disappeared into her room to change, he locked himself in his bedroom. He laid on his bed while Selene knocked then said goodbye to him. He said nothing, pretended to be asleep, dead, anywhere else in the world.
The only reason he wasn’t crying was the years of training he had to hide his hurt. It was the only good thing that came out of his childhood. He had the ability to not show any emotion if he needed to. It hurt to keep it all inside, like being crushed slowly by the pain. But it was easier than facing her. She sounded sad as it was.
His plan was to have a shower, then work for a few hours, and go to sleep early. What if he was awake when she came in? What if she didn’t come in at all? How long did he let her stay out before contacting her? How long before she was considered missing?
Also, this guy might be an abusive jackass. He needed to be alert for signs of that if she came home with him.
His hands danced over his phone. He read over his text history with her. All their in-jokes, flirting, and support meant the world to him. He looked at the pictures she had taken of them driving, at meetings, in their office, at home.
After he tossed the phone aside, he stripped off his clothes. A hot shower would do him good.
He considered texting her, to ask how she was doing. That seemed intrusive. But he turned on the tap to hot and slipped into the shower.
He wished he had the guts to grab her and kiss her when she got home. He would drag her to his bedroom, like a caveman, and show her how much he didn’t want her dating. Caveman moves aside, he imagined running his fingers over her soft skin, teasing the sensitive parts of body until she was moaning beneath him, and finishing with kissing her until she came apart under his mouth.
With a hand wrapped around his cock, he stroked slowly.
He wanted to worship her with his hands, his mouth, his body. He wanted to be with her when she reached climax. He wanted to whisper praise and love in her ear.
What would it feel like to have her tight around him, her hands digging into his skin while she moaned his name?
His body thought that sounded good because as he thrust into his hand, pretending it was her, he came. He watched it swirl down the drain.
His legs were weak, and he washed quickly before he turned off the water. He thought about crawling to his bed, but he decided to be an adult and dry himself. After he pulled on some boxers, he retrieved his laptop and worked until he was tired.
; He hoped Selene would be home by now, but she wasn’t. He put on sweats and a T-shirt and went to the living room. With the remote he flipped through the channels, he found a rerun of a show she liked to watch.
After the show, he would go to bed. She came home before the show as over. His heart picked up when the door opened. He sat up and tried to arrange his face into a neutral look.
She came in with a sad smile. She sat on the edge of the sofa, just out of his reach. He wanted to touch her.
“Did you have a good time?” he asked softly.
She shook her head. “Heidi is in love with Andy.”
Relief overwhelmed him and he didn’t know what to say for several seconds. “That’s bad. Does she know?”
“I don’t think so.”
This was out of his range of experience. He’d been in love with the same person for twenty years. “You want to watch some TV?”
“Sure. I need to change.”
“I’ll make some popcorn.”
It was her favorite snack. He went to the kitchen before she could protest. He forced his eyes straight ahead, not watching her walk away. She was home, she wasn’t walking away. She hadn’t fallen for anyone. She didn’t have a good time. The weight was off his chest. He would not make that mistake again.
A few minutes later she came out in her plaid pajama pants and top, her feet wrapped in fluffy pig slippers that made him laugh every time he saw them.
“Isn’t it warm in here?” he said, sliding down on the sofa next to her. He mentally slapped himself. What did he want her to wear? Nothing? Lingerie? Her underwear?
All those sounded appealing. He had to stop thinking of her that way. Boss uncle, mentor. He crossed so many lines.
He handed her the remote. She had a few shows she liked to watch regularly. Since he never turned on the television, he had no idea how to use it. She went to the shows she recorded. Ah good, it was the FBI one, he knew what was going on, more or less. She had filled him in on the details of the plot when she first turned it on. It was a crime drama, but it played out more like a soap opera, with everyone sleeping with someone else on the show.