It Was Always You

by Asrai Devin

  He loved it. Because it was her favorite show.

  He put the popcorn between them. Her favorite snack for relaxing in front of the TV. She moved the bowl to his lap so she could curl up against his side. He wrapped his arm around her.

  Fuck. He was utterly pathetic. Maybe he should have let her find a place of her own. She sighed, but it seemed like a happy sigh. He kissed the top of her head. The perfect end to an evening.

  He woke up with her laying on him. Was she asleep? He moved slowly until he realized she was in a deep sleep. He watched her sleep, stroking her hair. “My girl,” he said aloud. What if he took her to his bed? What if he let himself love her?

  He’d known her since she was young, pure. She was the only person to ever love him unconditionally, wholly. The first person to depend on him. He trusted her. She was the only person he trusted unconditionally.

  He couldn’t take her to bed tonight. Not to sleep, not to strip their clothes off and make love. He would tuck her into her bed, give her a kiss, and figure out everything tomorrow.

  When he picked her up, she stirred in his arms. “Where are we going?”

  “I’m putting you in your bed.”

  She hugged him tighter. “Please stay with me”

  He stiffened and stopped walking. “That’s a bad idea.”

  “Please, Ben. We’ll be asleep.”

  “I’m sorry about your date,” he countered.

  “Lay down with me and I’ll tell you about it.”

  Negotiations ended there. He put her on the bed and looked down at her. He stroked her hair and let himself sink next to her. “My only weakness is you. I can shut everyone and everything else out. Except you.”

  She turned on her back and moved up on the pillows. Her hair fanned out around her. He stroked the back of her hand with his thumb.

  “Does it bother you?”

  “Sometimes. There’s the age difference. There’s the relationship. There’s wanting to protect you.”

  They stared at each other for a while.

  She kissed his hand. “I didn’t go out tonight because I wanted to be a date to someone,” she said.

  “Why did you go?”

  “Because you wanted me to.”

  Asking Heidi, her only friend here, was a mistake. Of course, Heidi would tell Selene the truth. “Heidi told you.”

  “She did. You should have told me.”

  “I couldn’t.” He squeezed her. “Selene, I have to say no for so many reasons.”

  “Do you love me?”

  “Yes. I always have.”

  “That’s all we need. Because I love you too.”

  “Ahh, sweetheart. Go to sleep.” He had no defense against her.

  She hadn’t opened her eyes the entire exchange. He got off the bed and turned off the light. He looked at the doorway then back at her. Was she asleep? Could he sneak out? “If you leave, I will follow you.”

  He shed his jeans and crawled under the blankets.

  She curled into him. She smelled like his nightmares, his fantasies, his dreams. If he hurt her, it would end him. He’d never live with himself. If he lost her, if she didn’t want to be with him, he couldn’t handle it.

  He kissed her neck. But if he didn’t have her, he couldn’t handle it either. He teetered on the edge of everything at once. And he felt like he was going down fast. He would be hurt eventually, but he could choose how he went.

  Selene woke alone. But her bed smelled like Ben. He slept with her all night.

  She needed to talk to him. When she went to the kitchen, he wasn’t there, that meant he was in the shower, bathroom, or hiding from her. With hope it wasn’t the latter, she started the coffee, mixed up batter for pancakes, heated two pans and melted butter for the eggs.

  His hair was wet when he came out, in bare feet, jeans, and a T-shirt. He had a small potbelly; he wasn’t ripped. He was Ben, and he was perfect. She stared at the stove while she gathered her courage.

  He gave her a side hug and kissed her cheek. She looked up at him, ready to say “We need to talk” but he smiled at her and she was lost.

  She stretched on her toes and kissed his chin. He kissed her lips. The sizzling butter drew her attention. “How many eggs would you like?”

  “Two please. Do you want help?”

  “You want to help?” He helped her chop things, but rarely with the cooking.

  “Maybe I can learn.”

  She pulled out a second spatula. “Most of cooking is watching and testing.”

  He took it from her with a grin. “I can watch.”

  He was happy this morning. She didn’t want to break the bubble he seemed to be in. But after last night, it confused her.

  “While you are watching, what do you think I should say to Heidi?” She cracked three eggs into the pan and poured two small pancakes into the other.

  “About what?”

  “Her and Andy. Her and Steve.”

  “Are you sure she was actually into this Andy guy?”

  “Yes, and he was into her. I was invisible the entire night.” It might have been the worst date ever, except coming home and snuggling with Ben. He told her he loved her, and that was enough for today. He was affectionate, he was happy. What else did she need?

  “You don’t think she knows?”

  “I don’t think so. But she believes Steve is the right guy, he’s successful in every conventional way.”

  “Is there something wrong with the other guy being a teacher?”

  “He’s not rich, he’s not a partner at a law firm. I don’t know, I don’t understand, he was boring. His jokes weren’t funny. He and I would have bored each other to death.” She waved her hand “I don’t need a rich guy. Teaching is boring.”

  “What do you find exciting?” His voice dropped low, caressing her. He was teasing her now. When she looked at him, he had a silly smile on his face.

  “Creativity and risk taking. Artists, entrepreneurs, writers. Builders who make something out of nothing. You?”

  “Anyone I can learn something from.”

  “Have you learned anything from me?”

  “Social media, the value of taking care of yourself, the value of being social.” His eyes fixed on her and a longing to reach for him hit her in the gut. Touching him seemed so natural, but she fought herself to keep away.

  “How not to live off coffee alone.” His eyes stared at her so long she was certain he could see her soul.

  She squirmed under his gaze for once. As if he were really seeing her.

  “Check the pancakes,” she prompted.

  “How?”

  She set her spatula aside and took his hand. She pushed his under the pancake and pulled it up so the underside was visible. “Now we see if it’s golden brown. It’s still closer to white than golden. So pull out.”

  She dropped her hand away.

  “What should we do today?”

  “I thought about going out, but I checked the temperature and it’s freezing. So work and rent a movie on the demand thingy?”

  She grabbed her spatula and flipped the pancakes.

  “Shit I wasn’t watching.”

  “I had a feeling. Yes, hanging out sounds good. I have to call Heidi and say sorry for slinking out early. You don’t think I should say anything about Andy?”

  “You should. I am not sure what to say. Relationships are not my strong suit.”

  “Me neither. I haven’t had a serious relationship since high school.”

  “I’ve never had one,” he countered.

  “Why not?”

  “I never trusted anyone.”

  “Me neither.” Except each other. “After James dumped me, I never felt happy with anyone.”

  “I think the eggs need to be flipped. And I’ll probably screw that up.”

  “You do it. Ease your flipper under them and turn them over gently.”

  She watched as he broke all three yolks. She covered her mouth with both hands while she laughed
. “These will be the best tasting eggs I’ve ever had.”

  “I ruined them.” He moaned and tossed his spatula in the sink.

  She giggled. “They are just eggs, Benji. It’s not your business. It will still taste the same.”

  “I’m sorry.” He looked at his feet, contrite for losing his temper.

  “I’m not. Nothing is ruined.” She put the pancakes on a plate and poured two more. “Here. Go eat.”

  He took the plate but stuck his tongue out at her.

  “Eat. You can chop the tomatoes at supper for chicken salad.”

  “I can’t do that either.”

  “Neither can I. I make you do it so I don’t feel as bad.”

  “You’re a cruel woman.”

  She winked at him. She would talk about them later.

  Chapter 14

  Monday afternoon Ben steepled his fingers and looked at Selene. She was at her computer, typing away. She stopped and twirled her hair in her finger while she read her screen. Then back to typing.

  There was an underlying tension since he kissed her again. He needed to stop kissing her; it was becoming a terrible habit. He craved one more.

  On the other hand, if he laid himself open and told her about his feelings, he risked ruining everything between them if she didn’t feel the same way.

  But on the other hand, wait that was the third hand, how many hands did he need? He groaned. She lifted her head. “You okay, boss?”

  He met her eyes and melted inside. It took all his strength not to scoot across the sofa and kiss the hell out of her. It was harder to resist every day. Speaking of getting hard, he adjusted his pants. “I’m fine. I think I am ready to stop working.”

  It was gym day. He almost looked forward to it. He had to admit she was correct on one topic: he needed exercise.

  “You’re excited to hit the gym? You weren’t too happy last week.”

  Because last week was the first time in years he worked out. He wasn’t fat, but he wasn’t in shape either. And he knew she was right. But mostly he agreed because it would make her smile.

  “I admitted you were right about exercising. Thanks to you, I have time for it.” Her home-cooked meals, her help in the office, her smile. Every part of her had a positive effect on him. One of his usual clients even commented that he was in a good mood.

  “Good. I’m doing okay in my job.” She stretched her arms overhead. One tiny gesture and he was salivating over her.

  “You are doing better than okay.” He’d stopped looking over shoulder for the social media stuff. Mostly. He liked to check in once a day.

  Selene glanced at her screen. “I’m trying to write a product description for the blog. The most difficult thing is making it seem interesting and fun, without losing all professional decorum.”

  “We could always contact a copywriter, if you don’t feel comfortable.” They still did for his formal advertising. The blog was something she insisted they start. A more personal, and much faster way to communicate from inside the company.

  “I’m comfortable. I want to represent you the right way.” She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at him for daring to suggest she delegate. He recognized that compulsion all too well. It almost ruined his company in the second year. He didn’t like it now, but he knew it was necessary.

  Ben slid from behind his desk and moved to stand beside her, rubbing her arm. “I know. You are capable. I wanted to ease your burden. Nothing more.”

  She sighed. “I’m sorry for getting defensive. You’re right, time for a break. I’m running in circles.” She saved her work. “At least switch tasks.”

  And he was relaxed with her again. No longer frightened he might attack her with his mouth. “Let’s go home.”

  “What?”

  “Let’s go to the gym. That should clear our heads.”

  “Okay.” She saluted and set her computer aside.

  “I will pack my briefcase. I don’t want to look at work again tonight.”

  “Isn’t that something your assistant should do for you?” she asked, with a grin. She was being cheeky now.

  “You know what I should do to you?” He looked over his shoulder at her.

  She had her arms crossed over her chest ready for his challenge. “What should you do?”

  “Put you over my knee and spank you. Clearly Dan didn’t spank the smart mouth out of you, he’s left it up to me.”

  Selene gasped, then quickly turned smug. “Mom wouldn’t allow you or him or anyone to spank me. She preferred much gentler tactics. You want to be a brute.”

  “I want to show you who’s in charge,” he countered, stuffing papers into his briefcase. He didn’t even care what they were anymore. He restrained himself from putting his words into actions. His body reacted to the idea of her squirming on his lap while he slapped her bare skin.

  “We know who is in charge.” He was about to say good, when she said, “Me, of course.”

  He stalked to her and grabbed her wrists. He bent her at the waist a little and while she struggled, he patted her ass a few times. “Abuse, abuse,” she said, through peals of laughter that suddenly hit her.

  He helped her stand straight again, but she didn’t stop giggling. “I thought you were…”

  “Going to hit you?” He leaned in to put his mouth against her earlobe. “If I spanked you, you would enjoy it.”

  She shuddered, her body brushing lightly against him. In a quiet voice, she said, “All done.” She flopped into her chair looking shocked, teased. Her cheeks were pink.

  “Was that too much?” he asked.

  “Close to crossing the line we agreed last week not to cross.” It was so far past the line, he couldn’t see the fucking thing anymore.

  Fuck the line. Fuck everything. The words were on the tip of his tongue, but it was his line so he had to hold to it. “I’ll be more mindful. It was supposed to be playful, teasing. Did I misread the mood?”

  “No, it was playful. Until you whispered in my ear. Mixed messages, Ben.”

  “I’m giving myself mixed messages. I don’t want to ruin everything we have. I’m afraid if I…” He trailed off, looking into her doe eyes, full of fear, sadness. Love?

  “I can’t keep doing this.” She waved her hands between them. “Maybe a time-out. I’ll go to the gym, you… do something.”

  “I’ll stay home, give you some space.” He returned to his desk to finish packing his bag.

  “Fine,” she said.

  His heart had never been so low as when he gave her space.

  Ben tried to work after Selene left the apartment. But it was an exercise in futility.

  He hurt her and it left him gutted. His muscles ached to release his aggression. The need for physical activity was compounded by it being Selene who pushed him to work out in the first place.

  He paced the apartment, trying to find a way out of this. How could be so brilliant at business and crap at talking to the woman he loved?

  The idea of corrupting her made him sick to his stomach. He loved her so much he didn’t want to hurt her, ruin her. And his touch would ruin her.

  He threw himself on the sofa. Maybe when he slammed into the sofa cushions something rattled loose in his head. The truth hit him like a wrecking ball, hurtling him through the air to land in a pile of shit. Where he belonged.

  What was he doing? He treated her like a possession, instead of a woman who had thoughts and ideas and wants.

  He had to apologize to her and make things right with her. What an ass he was the last few weeks.

  First thing, he needed to speak with her. He went downstairs and stood outside of the workout room. She was laughing with Heidi on the weight machines, but he backed out before she saw him. This was not the right time.

  He went back up to the apartment and had a shower. He was in the shower when she returned and when he stood outside her closed door, he couldn’t bring himself to knock.

  Telling her he loved her wasn’t enough. He
needed to be something better. He had to show her. Some grand gesture. She deserved so much better than he’d been giving her.

  He turned all the lights off and went to his room. Tomorrow evening, he would start over with her, beginning with begging her forgiveness.

  Great, he promised her more space. As if she needed any more fucking space. It was the last thing she wanted to hear from him. She slammed through the gym doors wishing it was his face.

  Heidi was already in the gym when Selene got there. “What’s up? Your text said it was urgent.”

  “I’m so confused with Ben. He kisses me then he says he loves me but he doesn’t want to ruin what we have. If he’d stop kissing me, looking at me with desire, I wouldn’t have a problem saying no.”

  “That’s why I love James, he loves me. He loves kissing me. He’s never home, but he worships me.”

  “What about you and Andy? You seemed pretty into him.”

  “Yeah, but he’s a teacher. No trips, no fancy condo, no dinners out. You don’t enjoy life. I’m not with Steve only because of those things. He’s a great guy, but I’m lonely.”

  “You loved hearing Andy’s stories. You hung on every word, not caring if he was talking about sailing across the sea or how he taught a chemistry lesson. I like Steve. I’m not telling you that you should break up with Steve. But all you do is talk about his promotions and his work hours. You never say what you like about him.”

  “If Steve looked at me the way Ben looks at you, he probably wouldn’t do much work.”

  “Ben does an extraordinary amount of work. He’s a machine, and he’s never distracted. I’m trying to bring balance to his life. And that’s why he’s not here. I need balance too.”

  “What are you thinking?”

  “Of going back home.”

  “You’ve only been here a couple of weeks.”

  “I need to ground myself in reality. Perhaps a vacation would help. I can’t be in that apartment and not touch him. Not kissing him every day, it makes me irrational. And his mixed messages, I can’t deal with them.”

  “Don’t jump to conclusions. Don’t be rash. Take some time.”

  “How do I take time to think when I’m living in the middle of it? He’s right there. All the time. I can take a car service if I have anywhere to go, but I don’t have anywhere to go.” Worse, she didn’t want to go anywhere without him. But he didn’t want her around.