The Trash Tier Dungeon

by Kaye Fairburn

  An inferno exploded from within the mud monster. It roared. Arden screamed. She pulled her hand away, the blade pulling a streak of fire along with it. The creature bubbled, churning and turning back into sizzling water. In her surprise, Arden wildly swung her arm the other way.

  The cattens continued to fight the growing number of Clay Babies. Noticing them beginning to tire out, Arden hastened her efforts to find the core within the Clay Doll. She chopped the monster without any level of finesse, just bringing her blades downwards and upwards repeatedly.

  They clanked against a hard surface. Screaming from the immense effort it took, Arden cut into the core. It cracked open like a nut.

  The Clay Doll gurgled before bursting into glittery dust. The sludge disappeared from Arden’s body. She held off on cheering. The cattens still needed help with the Clay Baby infestation.

  [CONGRATULATIONS! -ADVANCEMENT UNLOCKED-

  The catten units have discovered the “Baby Stomper” Advancement! Units with this special trait can activate and deactivate the “Baby Stomper” perk. Those with the perk do +5% damage to babies of all kind. While this perk is active parents of any kind will be more aggressive towards the affected user, no matter what the user is doing.

  View the Advancement on its appropriate screen for more information.

  You may now research this Advancement.]

  [CONGRATULATIONS! -ADVANCEMENT UNLOCKED-

  The catten units have discovered the “Quick Strike” Advancement! Units with this trait are rewarded for landing multiple attacks in a row. On their fourth strike, they do an additional 10% damage.

  View the Advancement on its appropriate screen for more information.

  You may now research this Advancement.]

  Never mind. It looked like they didn’t need her help, after all. The rest of the enemies were dead, no intervention on her part required.

  The first Advancement, Arden didn’t need to guess how they earned it. The second one, though, was anyone’s guess until they returned to the dungeon and viewed the Advancement screen. Finished with the combat sequence, Arden reverted back to her original form.

  From a higher vantage point, she noticed something glinting in the grass.

  She dove to examine it.

  [ITEM: Compass

  Type: Equipment

  Quality: Good

  Value: Common

  Effects: It’ll help you find your way. Best when used with a map.

  Description: A compass on a chain. It’s supposed to point north.]

  Turning the compass over in her hands, Arden discovered a series of engraved initials. She ran her thumb over it, feeling the grooves in the lettering. Whoever had done it had been precise with their tools. Surely, this had once been a much-loved item by someone.

  And apparently, it was a must-have item, too, according to the birdra who swooped down to steal it.

  Clutched in the creature’s talons, the compass glinted, almost taunting her to give chase and win it back. Falling for something like that was beneath Arden. She was well aware that she was being baited, but she was also well aware of the annoyance and frustration bubbling up under her skin.

  It wasn’t like she needed a random shiny compass. Arden didn’t need it. The majority of her time was spent navigating around the dungeon and Smokey seemed like he did a fine job of wandering the woods without much of anything. As far as loot went, it didn’t seem particularly miraculous or anything. But…

  That bird, with its beady little eyes and permanent smile carved into its beak, was taunting her. It made fun of her, her family, the town she grew up in, her school, her “everything.” The look it gave her said all of that. To not go after the compass would be a travesty of the utmost proportions. For the honor of her “everything,” Arden had to get that compass back.

  No bird would make a fool out of her.

  It didn’t help that the bird reminded her of a miniature version of her boss, the Demon Lord Oiseau. That did factor into her reaction somewhat, actually more than somewhat. It was a major factor, but no one needed to know that.

  Arden switched out of her Disguise, turning back into her normal pixie form. She flew after the bird creature, easily gaining on it due to her aerial prowess and overall pixie magic. The bird dove. She swooped after it. At the last moment, it flew upwards. Not anticipating the sudden change, Arden crashed. A fast recovery brought her airborne once more.

  The bird blasted into a thick coverage of leaves. Arden barreled in after it. She cleaved into the foliage, green bits of leaves rippling around her. She shut her eyes to avoid getting any fragments in them. They traveled along a branch, the compass dragging and snagging on the wood every so often. That was going to mar the metal, maybe depreciate its value a bit.

  No matter its value at the end of their scuffle, Arden had to have that compass.

  Their flight ended once they reached the tree trunk. A nest carrying a bulging, soft-shelled egg rested beside the trunk, wedged not to fall. Arden tackled the bird, both of them tumbling. The compass went swinging. It crashed into the egg, its soft shell giving way.

  Spider-like mites poured out of the broken sac.

  Arden didn’t know who screamed louder, her or the bird. The mites covered their nearest target, the bird. Their chattering arose as they devoured it.

  That was Arden’s cue to leave before she was met with a similar fate. She snatched the compass’ chain and then leaped from the fray. She allowed her wings to carry her to the safety of the cattens.

  “Okay, time to go,” Arden said.

  Arden absorbed the compass into her Inventory, the item disappearing into wherever it was that items went.

  The cattens stared at her blankly.

  “Flesh-eating mites,” she said, hoping that they’d understand the gravity of her statement. “We’ve got to get back home.”

  Sprawl’s fur rose.

  “Yeah, that’s the universal sign that shit’s about to go down. Listen to that feeling and hurry back to Minette.”

  That seemed to do the trick. Sprawl and Rien ran away without her. Arden had to kick her legs to gain more momentum so she could keep up with them. They returned to the dungeon, the three of them jumping into the portal.

  The light overtook them as they made their return.

  Chapter 19

  “Welcome back, Baby Stomper!” Minette greeted Arden as she emerged from the Warp Gate portal.

  “Don’t call me that.” Arden buzzed around the Warp Gate. The cattens ran off, likely heading to the Monster Lounge to heal their wounds. “If you’re going to call me anything, call me the Endless Terror.”

  “Why’s that your title, anyway?”

  “You haven’t noticed? I’m a terror to all of my enemies. I’m crafty, underhanded, and I stop at nothing to win. It’s obvious! You really haven’t noticed anything about me that screams Endless Terror?”

  “I can kind of see it, but for different reasons that would probably make you mad at me for thinking them,” Minette said.

  “What reasons? I won’t get mad. Just tell me,” Arden said, fully aware that she probably would get mad. At least a little bit. She was only a pixie, after all. Anger and touchiness went with that territory.

  “I thought it had something to do with you being kind of annoying. And I mean that in an endearing sense. You have to grow on people, and, and, also you seem like you hold grudges. An endless grudge, an endless terror, both of those things kind of roll into each other. Please don’t be mad at me.”

  Arden exhaled through her nose. “Thank you for telling me. I’m not going to get mad. I’m holding my temper. Things are okay.”

  “If it makes you feel any better, I can round up some more babies for you to stomp.”

  “No. No stomping. No babies. I got that Advancement from fighting a Clay Doll on the surface level. I wasn’t looking for babies to stomp. They came to me first.”

  “It’s a pretty cheap Advancement. It doesn’t cost us any glowyrms if
you want to have it,” Minette said. “It costs 40 shinies. That’s a great price. You know what? I’m going to buy it for you right now.”

  “Don’t do that. Don’t do any of that. We’ve got to save our money for other things. How did the rest of the rebuilding effort go for you? Are we good on resources?”

  “We’re dry on glowyrms. I’ve got some workercats looking for more. The shinies are running out. We’ve got to find more resources somehow,” Minette said. “I looked through the Research Menu. There’s an upgrade to give workercats a better nose for resource finding, but it’ll cost us glowyrms to buy it.”

  “Then our resources are way too precious for buying things like Baby Stomper specials,” Arden said.

  “But, yeah, we’ve been rebuilding. It hasn’t been that long since you left, but things are looking good at the moment. Oh, and that Quick Strike Advancement for the cattens. That’s going to be 200 shinies and 20 glowyrms. I don’t know if we’ll be able to buy it.”

  “We have to double our efforts in finding resources. Put me in the Overview mode, please.”

  While Minette oversaw the resource gathering efforts and the other construction projects, Arden returned to tinkering with the loot they had. Even though Robin and the others weren’t deserving of it, Arden still wanted to populate their dungeon with various treasure chests and other cache containers. Placing the item down in the dungeon automatically transformed it into a treasure chest. Those chests were available for the dungeon to modify, allowing for unique variations.

  Arden sprinkled the items around strategically. The point was to lure greedy adventurers towards waiting traps. She and Minette hadn’t yet researched blueprints on fake traps and they didn’t have access to any mimic creatures. They had to rely on what they had in spades: the big fat trap of Disappointment™.

  Imagine for a moment, traversing a dungeon and reaching what you believe to be the end of it. Your party members have been laid to waste. You’re all that remains, the golden skulls of your friends tucked in your Inventory. They died exploring the dungeon in the hopes of finding a rare treasure.

  Once you open its treasure chest, you’re shocked–absolutely devastated–to discover that everyone died for the two things detailed as follows:

  [ITEM: Smelly Blanket

  Type: Equipment

  Quality: Bad

  Value: Common

  Effects: It’ll keep you warm at a cost.

  Description: Huddle in this blanket for a stinky good time.]

  [ITEM: Iron Shield

  Type: Equipment

  Quality: Eh…it’s alright

  Value: Common

  Effects: It’ll provide you with some defense.

  Description: Block to your heart’s content! Just hope that your heart is content with not blocking very much before this breaks.]

  Getting to see a similar scenario play out in the future was something that Arden looked forward to. She especially couldn’t wait for people’s reactions to her item descriptions. It took a lot out of her to come up with things to say. She wasn’t gifted with the gift of gab.

  She read off her item descriptions for Minette. “What do you think?”

  “I don’t know about that last one. It seems like it’s against regulation to list something as ‘eh…alright’ quality.”

  “Since when do you care about regulations?” Arden asked.

  “Since I became a review grubber. Is this something the Demon Lord will like?”

  “He’d love it if I could get it right. It’s probably lacking in wit and snark. I should be more biting about it. Let me try again.”

  [ITEM: Iron Shield

  Type: Equipment

  Quality: Okay

  Value: Common

  Effects: It’ll provide you with some defense.

  Description: What’s harder, this or your head? Use this shield and find out!]

  Minette made a noise of disapproval. “Eh, I don’t know about that one, either. If that’s wit and snark, you need to start over.”

  “Wit and snark are supposed to be joined in holy matrimony. That’s the way that these item descriptions work the best. Haven’t you been listening to me?”

  “In that case, they should get a divorce.”

  “I’m not going to write a bland one-liner description. That’s not me.”

  “Yeah, you’re right. You’re the Endless Terror and your writing should reflect that.”

  “Thank you for understanding.” Arden had a small feeling that Minette may have been teasing her with that sentence, but she dismissed it.

  [WARNING!

  One human adventurer has entered the dungeon.]

  “It’s Smokey!” Minette cheered. “Don’t move, we need to disable our traps.”

  Smokey full-on bowed, kneeling to the floor. “Yes, my Dungeon Goddess. I will move on your word.”

  Once things were safe, Minette directed him to the Dungeon Heart room. He took up his prayer position in the corner of the room, not wanting to kneel too close to Minette’s orb out of respect.

  Her Projection was off. Even though she didn’t operate on the standard mana rules like Arden did, she still complained of getting tired when she left it running. Arden recommended Minette not become exhausted and was glad that Minette seemed to heed her advice.

  “Do you have more news about Robin?” Arden asked. “Has he been crying? I bet he’s a blubbery mess.”

  Smokey’s face grew grim. “He’s rather incensed, to put it mildly. He had a lot of rude things to say about you the last time I met him in the tavern. I haven’t seen him in a few days.”

  “It’s been days?” Minette asked in disbelief. “Wow, my sense of time down here feels so different. I could’ve sworn those adventurers showed up here yesterday.”

  “Perhaps we measure things differently as far as time goes,” Smokey said. “I’m sure our methods are the inferior ones.”

  “It’s not about inferiority or superiority here. It’s a different feeling,” Arden said. “If Robin’s gone, then that must mean that they’re running their golden skull quest. Thanks for bringing this news back to us, Smokey. I knew that we could trust you.”

  Smokey clasped his fingers together. “There’s something else I wanted to say, too. People in Kazzipur are starting to become more interested in you. You’re becoming more real in their minds. It’ll take some time until I can convert them into true believers, but I can see that this is a good start.”

  “Goody!” Minette said.

  “We can do something with that later,” Arden said. “How have the rest of your affairs been going? Is your charisma getting any better?”

  “I’m sorry to say that it’s too early to tell. I’m doing my best to get used to living around people again. They’re harder to put up with than I last remembered. I’m doing my best and I promise that I won’t let you down,” Smokey said.

  “I’m sure you won’t,” Minette said cheerfully. “Thank you for doing your best. You should probably get out of here before the adventures come back, though. Thanks again!”

  “Anything for you,” he said.

  [WARNING!

  17 spider-mites have entered the dungeon.]

  “Glitter dust, they must’ve followed us,” Arden said. “I’ll take care of them.”

  “Take care of who? What’s going on?” Smokey scratched through his beard. “Did Robin follow me in?”

  “Enemy monsters,” Minette explained. “Stay here.”

  Moving fast, Arden teleported to the Warp Gate room. There, she saw the swarm of bugs, crawling all over the place. They’d grown to her pixie size since she’d last seen them. Spotting her, they moved towards her.

  She flew in circles above them, making sure that every last bug was gathered into the group. Arden then flew down the hall. She lagged whenever it seemed like the bugs were distracted. She herded them along.

  Arden said, “Keep the cattens away. I’ve got a plan for these things.”

  “Got it,�
�� Minette replied.

  Arden took a sharp turn. She waited for the bugs to catch up, their only interest devouring her like they devoured the bird. She led them to one of the treasure chests that she’d recently placed, the one that held the wax ball.

  She yanked on the latch. The lid popped open.

  Arden stood on the edge of the lid, waving her arms frantically. The bugs took a flying leap for her. In their eagerness, they failed to realize that the real Arden had flown over the treasure chest. The Arden they’d leaped for was merely one of her Hallucinations. So through the Hallucination they went, the bugs winding up inside of the treasure chest.

  She slammed the treasure chest lid closed. “Robin and his friends are going to be in for quite the surprise.”

  “Smokey wants to know if it’s safe for him to go home now,” Minette said. “He’s scared.”

  “Yeah, let’s get him home. As soon as he’s out, re-activate the traps.”

  “Can do.”

  The next time Robin and his guild showed up, Arden promised that she’d turn every last one them into golden skulls.

  Chapter 20

  Following his brush with death (which wasn’t much of a brush, considering Minette and Arden kept him safely away from the spider-mites), Smokey returned to Kazzipur. He ate mushrooms along the way, the mere motions of chewing and swallowing a comfort for him.

  Although he’d been living in Kazzipur for some time now, he still hadn’t reacclimated to their diet. He found himself crumbling dried mushrooms over his food to make it more palatable. It was difficult for him to give up years of daily shroom consumption. He was invulnerable to their psychedelic effects but addicted to their taste.

  Upon entering Kazzipur’s tavern, Smokey went straight to his bar stool. It should’ve had his name on it, he was in it so often.