The things we do for love.

by Anderson, Abigail

  “She had… problems.” Cassie tried to defend.

  “You had to clean up after her.” Faye pointed out. “You cleaned up after me.” She sighed heavily.

  “I know. But Mum couldn’t help it. If Dad hadn’t left.” Cassie sounded bitter.

  “It’s not his fault. She kicked him out.”

  “She never got over him leaving her. Leaving us.”

  “Dad tells it different.”

  “He would.” She scoffed.

  “Cass, we were too young to remember what went on. We can’t believe everything Mum told us.”

  “And we can’t believe everything Dad tells us.”

  “No but, between the two there must be enough to piece it together and find the truth.”

  Cassie opened her mouth to argue but closed it again. What would be the point and actually Faye made sense, something that Cassie wasn’t used to.

  “Yeah, you are right. I guess. The fact remains that he’s had all this time and he didn’t bother with us. It’s not like we moved address.”

  “Cassie, he is still our father.”

  “A father that wasn’t there for us.” Cassie told her.

  “Let’s face it mother wasn’t there for us either.” Faye clasped her hands together and readied herself for Cassie’s anger. She was not disappointed.

  “That’s not true.” Cassie jumped to the defence of their mother instantly, though she knew deep down that she was not worthy of it.

  “Yes it is. And you know it.” Faye shot back at her.

  “She just…” But Cassie stopped. She just… what? There really was no excuse, and Cassie knew that.

  But Cassie felt the need to defend their mother. After all, she had died several years ago and was no longer able to defend herself or explain her decisions and actions.

  Cassie stopped herself from shouting at Faye. Cassie hated to admit it but Faye was right. Their mother hadn’t really been there for them. Not really. She had been physically here and nothing more.

  She had spent most of her time using alcohol to block out her pain. The pain of losing their father had been too much for her and she had sought solace from a bottle.

  Their mother had never got over the breakdown of her relationship with their father and Cassie had never forgiven either of them for the part they both had played in her and her sister’s childhood.

  Cassie had spent most of her time looking after her sister and looking after their mother who had been drunk by lunchtime most days.

  Cassie shook her head to clear the memories. Going over it all again wouldn’t change anything. Cassie needed to concentrate on here and now.

  “I don’t want to fight with you. My taxi will be here soon and I won’t be around for a few months. I don’t want the last things we say to each other to be angry.” Faye smiled sadly at her sister.

  “I don’t either.” Cassie told her sister. “I am going to miss you.”

  “It’s not too late to change your mind. You could come with me. I know you couldn’t stay long what with work but you could take a couple of days surely.” Faye asked looking hopeful but Cassie was already shaking her head.

  “I can’t afford the time off work and you know why.” She sighed.

  “What’s the point of being self-employed if you never get to take time off. I thought the whole point of you being freelance was that you got to choose your hours.”

  “And it was.”

  “So then, what happened?”

  “You happened.” Cassie pointed out. “Besides I’m not ready for meeting Dad yet. I need more time.”

  “Of course. You got the address and you have my number so... you know... call.” Faye stood up and Cassie followed suit.

  Faye threw her arms around her sister and hugged her tightly and Cassie felt a wave of emotion engulf her. She really would miss her. “It’s not forever.” Faye reassured her as if reading her thoughts and Cassie smiled and hugged her sister tighter.

  “Don’t do anything stupid.”

  “I won’t.”

  “I won’t be able to get you out of trouble.” Cassie whispered in her sister’s ear and she was rewarded by a momentary tighter hug. She felt her sister smile.

  “I promise to do my utmost best.” Faye told Cassie.

  “But if you do get into trouble, call me.”

  “I will.”

  “But don’t get into trouble.” She said more firmly.

  “I will try.”

  “But if you do.”

  “You are the first person I am calling.” Faye assured her.

  “But don’t.” Cassie said a little more firmly.

  “I won’t.”

  “Try as hard as you can. It won’t be easy getting there to bail you out.”

  “Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.” Faye replied.

  “Okay.” Cassie stepped back. “Let’s see if that taxi is here. Are you sure you don’t want me to come to the airport with you?”

  “Absolutely not.” Faye said firmly. “I want to stand on my own two feet and I want it to start the minute I leave the house. I want you to be proud of me instead of being embarrassed by me.” Faye replied in a firm voice.

  “You are not an embarrassment.” Faye gave her a pointed stare.

  “You make a terrible liar.” She was promptly informed.

  “Really?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I’ll work on it.” She told her sister.

  The blast of a car horn broke the moment and both women turned towards the kitchen door.

  The next ten minutes or so was spent trying to get Faye’s suitcases into the trunk of the taxi and making sure that she had enough money.

  Their goodbyes lasted a few minutes longer but, were cut short when the taxi driver began to Mumble and mutter about not having all day and something about the youth of today, and how time was money.

  Cassie waved at her sister as Faye looked out of the back of the car all the way to the end of the street until it rounded the corner and could be no longer be seen.

  Finally, she dropped her hand down to her side and stood staring at the empty road. So, that was it? She really was truly alone. Cassie shuddered as she wrapped her arms around her body. She had never been alone before. Faye had always been by her side even before they were born. It felt like she had a limb missing.

  She turned to go back into the house. Maybe a shower and a walk would help her to gather her thoughts and give her a better prospective on what lay ahead for the future.

  She hoped so, because she didn’t like the idea of spending the next few months feeling lost while she waited for her sister to return. If she returned, a voice in her head said smoothly, and Cassie’s body gave a little jolt.

  It was something that she hadn’t thought of until now but what if Faye liked Australia so much that she didn’t want to come back to rainy old Britain and her life here?

  Cassie shuddered at the thought. What if Cassie had to face the rest of her life being at opposite ends of the earth to her sister? What would she do then?

  Cassie closed the front door and began climbing the stairs to the bathroom. She needed to put that thought on the back burner for now. That was not on Faye’s agenda right now and even if that changed in the future then she could deal with it.

  After all, she always knew that they would both settle down some day. That they would have a life separate from each other, and have children. They wouldn’t be together all the time then. Right?

  Faye hadn’t really allowed Cassie to have relationships in the past but then she had never decided to go off on her own around the world before. Perhaps that was a sign that things were changing, hopefully for the better, only time would tell she supposed.

  Cassie decided to not think about any of that right now. Instead she would focus on what she had for a while and just take a break from the many ups and downs that Faye threw at her.

  After all, she had her work as an illustrator, for which she was
in constant demand, at least right now. And, she had a few friends. Cassie sighed sadly, that wasn’t as comforting a thought as she had wanted it to be.

  Chapter 15.

  By the time Cassie had showered and got dressed in jeans and sky blue sweater there was only an hour or so before it would be lunchtime.

  Cassie looked through the kitchen cupboards to see what would be on offer if she had lunch at home. After analysis of all cupboards she pulled a face and decided that there was nothing appealing to be found.

  So, after some careful deliberation, she decided to go into her small studio, which used to be the dining room, and began finishing the illustrations she had been doing for the past few weeks for an author writing a children’s book.

  She would finish them and go into town, stopping off for lunch along the way. That actually sounded like a good idea. It had been a while since she had just taken some time out.

  Faye never really gave her any chance to do it. But, if she was going to be gone for a couple of months then Cassie might as well enjoy the time. Adam was right, soon Faye would be back and she would have missed her chance.

  Cassie picked up her drawings from her desk and sat down to study them. She had been commissioned to create ten drawings in all to help tell the story of a frightened mole who had lost his way and was trying to find his way home and to his parents.

  Cassie sighed heavily, she could really identify with the little mole right now. She felt just as lost and alone, just as frightened. She pushed the feelings away, that wasn’t going to help.

  She spent the next hour finishing the drawings and then going over all ten illustrations before she determined that she was happy with the work she had produced.

  She bundled them into a padded envelope, wrote out the address on the front and went to find her jacket and her trainers.

  The weather was still pleasant for the time of year, though the leaves had begun to fall. Soon winter would be upon them and it would start to get colder and darker too.

  She hated the winter months. Hated how dark the day got, how grey the sky was. How cold and bitter it would be. How cheerful she would have to be forced to be over the festive season.

  The festive season. Her shoulders slumped. Faye wouldn’t be here. This would be her first Christmas alone, truly alone, with no one. Great.

  Still, Lucky for Faye that she was getting away to Australia for the winter. Cassie wished that she had been able to. Not to make nice with their father, but just to have a break would have been nice. But Cassie could not afford it, she had Faye’s debts on her shoulders.

  Cassie decided that she would go for a nice long walk after she posted the illustrations. It would do her good to get out in the fresh air for a while. It might help her sleep better too.

  Cassie’s mind wandered to the little coffee shop that she and Faye used to go to when their mother had been in hospital. Neither of them had been back there since then and that had been ten years or more.

  They had sat in that coffee shop every day for weeks before their mother had finally succumbed to illness. It had been a long drawn out thing and they had watched their mother suffer terribly. Especially in those last couple of days.

  Cassie shook her head to clear the memories, it was best not to think about any of that. She was already down as it was, and that would just bring her down further.

  She made a plan to stop there for a late lunch before walking back home. That should while away a few hours.

  After that Cassie wasn’t sure what she was going to do. She had some illustrations to do for some events flyers but that could wait. She did not really feel in the mood for working this afternoon but neither did she want to be pacing around with nothing to do.

  It would only put her in a dejected mood and she would spend the time worrying about her sister. Cassie squared her shoulders and made a promise to stop worrying about her sister and start thinking about herself for a while. She deserved it and she needed it.

  She managed to walk almost to the top of her road before she went back on that promise. She guessed that it was something that she was going to have to work on a little harder. There must be other things that she could find to fill up her mind so that she did not keep wandering back to worrying about Faye.

  Instantly her mind conjured up an image of Luke Pearson, sitting in the court room. Looking very nice in his dark suit and yellow striped tie.

  Cassie groaned, it really was best not to think about that either. He was definitely off limits to her. Was that all she had to choose from to think about? Faye or Luke? Wow, what a sad life she led.

  It was a little after one thirty when Cassie found herself near the small coffee shop just a short walk from the hospital.

  Memories of the past surfaced and swirled around in her head. Painful memories that she had pushed back to the further reaches of her mind for a very long time.

  It had been a cold day, on that last day that they had been here. Their mother had been in hospital for several weeks and by the end of that day she had lost her fight.

  There hadn’t been much conversation between Faye and herself on that occasion. There had been nothing to say and they had been too full of sorrow and heartache to bother with small talk.

  Cassie thought of her mother briefly, not something that she allowed herself to do very often. It was always too painful and sometimes it even made her too angry. It had been a prolonged illness and their mother had suffered significantly, particularly in those last few days.

  That’s when Faye had started to go off the rails, Cassie acknowledged now. It was easy to see all the signs when looking back but, at the time, Cassie had been wrapped up in her own grief and had not been able to see that her sister was struggling with it all.

  Faye had never been as strong as Cassie. She accepted that fact now. By the time Cassie had realised that Faye was struggling it had been too late.

  Faye had gotten herself stuck in a destructive pattern of behaviour and over the intervening years it had been impossible to break her out of it.

  Cassie had tried of course. Every avenue had been explored but nothing had worked. Well, perhaps not every avenue. She should have reached out to their doctor for help. Why hadn’t she? Because she had been too embarrassed. Too ashamed.

  Mental health had a stigma. A stigma that she didn’t want Faye to be labelled with. That wasn’t it though, she hadn’t wanted to admit that she had failed her sister, that she couldn’t cope. That was the truth.

  Directly after their mother’s death Faye had fallen into a slump. A dark depressive state. She had started to display strange behaviour. One minute she was up and then the next down.

  Sometimes she would be so happy that it was rather like being hysterical, all false laughter and outlandish behaviour.

  But then there had been the opposite end of the scale. One in which she had been sad… well, she had been more than sad. There had been suicide attempts and there had also been hurting herself deliberately.

  And then when they were older teenagers and they were discovering boys, well things changed dramatically then. Every time Cassie had found a boy Faye would get jealous and then she would get angry. And then…

  The first time Faye had gotten violent towards her instead of at herself had been a shock to Cassie. True her behaviour had been difficult but Cassie had never needed to fear for her own safety. Until that first time when… she shook her head.

  She didn’t want to think about that. It had been close to seven years since her last violent outburst towards Cassie. It had been a phase and nothing more. There was no point in bringing all that up now. What was done was done.

  She had had boyfriends since then and Faye had been fine about it. Well, she had accepted it reluctantly.

  Luke was right, Cassie thought sadly, that’s why she hated it so much when he threw it in her face. when he told her that Faye needed help and that she wasn’t normal.

  Faye had most likely needed professional help and she p
robably still did but, Cassie didn’t know that at the time. Now though, with so much time passing it had become a hard issue to discuss with her.

  Whenever Cassie had tried to tackle the subject Faye had responded by going into an emotional melt down and then Faye would go off and end up doing something that Cassie would then end up regretting.

  Deliberately getting herself into trouble for Cassie to clean up was Faye’s way of getting at her for bringing up the subject of getting help. A sort of, look what you made me do. A way to keep her too busy to keep on at her.

  Mopping up after Faye had become so every day that Cassie just got on with things without batting an eye. Maybe that was the problem, but how to break that cycle. That was something Cassie was still trying to figure out.

  She stepped inside the small warm coffee shop and it was like stepping back in time. The décor still had that old fashioned feel to it, with its small flower patterned wallpaper and red wood with cream work tops.

  It hadn’t changed much in the years since she had been in here. The same wallpaper on the walls and the same glossy tiles on the floor.

  Cassie was whisked back to that time eleven years before when Faye and she had sat in the far corner of the room overlooking the lake outside.

  They had been nursing mugs of hot chocolate in their hands. Each of them alone in their own misery as they both went over the news that their mother was dying.

  There wasn’t anything else they could do. The doctors had said. All they could do for her was to keep her comfortable and out of pain. They had been told that their mother had just a matter of weeks left.

  Cassie shook her head to rid herself of the memory. It was too sad to think about. She had worked hard to stamp them out, Faye going away and abandoning her had obviously stirred up a hornet’s nest inside her.

  She forced herself to focus on the here and now and looked at the menu on the wall. She didn’t feel all that hungry anymore but knew she would have to eat something.

  So, she decided on a pot of tea and toasted cheese Panini with some salad.

  Perhaps not the healthiest of choices she recognized, all that saturated fat. But it was comfort food and Cassie decided that she was in desperate need of some comforting, so she didn’t care.