by Perry, Marta
“Hello, Joshua. I didn’t hear you approach.”
He stepped into the yellow glow of the lantern. “Yet you didn’t jump. We’re making progress.”
She smiled widely. She had to admit she enjoyed watching him work and particularly enjoyed when he sat with her for a while.
Almost as if he could read her mind, Joshua pulled over a chair. They sat in companionable silence for a long time, enjoying the twilight, lost in their own thoughts, yet Katie was certain their thoughts were never far from each other. There was a tension between them. An awareness that filled the air with electricity.
She could feel his eyes watching her now.
“Are you hungry? Can I fix you something to eat?” she asked.
“No.” He laughed. “I’m still full from the lunch you made me. If I continue to eat your good cooking, I am going to be too fat to climb up onto the roof.”
Her eyes wandered to his flat stomach. She couldn’t imagine how even one pound of flesh would appear to be anything on him but solid muscle.
For some reason, he seemed reluctant to leave this evening. More so than on other nights. She could tell he had something on his mind. Something that hid behind his eyes and yet wanted to pour out.
She shot him a questioning look but remained quiet. He’d talk when he was ready. The Joshua she remembered didn’t say much, but when he did his words held their own power and importance.
“Are you finished with the roof?” she asked, giving him the time he needed to say whatever it was that troubled him.
“Ya, it is done.”
She smiled. “Gut. What does Levi have you working on next?”
“Nothing. I am finished. It is time for me to go.”
Her eyes flew to his face. She knew she couldn’t hide her disappointment. Was that what he was finding so difficult to say?
“I’m sorry to hear that, Joshua. I was getting used to having to feed you.”
She smiled as she spoke the teasing words but she didn’t feel lighthearted. Her heart felt heavy and sad.
“I am still your neighbor, Katie. I intend to come by and see if you need anything.”
“That would be nice.”
Inane words, meaning nothing but saying everything. He was telling her he would never be far away. She was telling him she wanted him near. Yet their actual words told one another nothing of importance at all.
“Katie.”
The seriousness of his tone caught her attention.
“I’ve wanted to ask you...about Jacob.”
Heat flooded her cheeks and she lowered her eyes. She’d thought she’d put the anger behind her months ago. She’d thought she could hear his name and not think the things she did or feel the way she did.
She was wrong.
She didn’t know if she was ready to talk about Jacob to anyone. She didn’t know if she ever could. She shrugged nonchalantly as if Joshua’s words carried no weight. “What is there to say? Jacob is dead.”
Joshua leaned closer but refrained from touching her. “How did he die?”
“You know how he died. He fell during a barn raising and broke his neck.” Anger flashed in her eyes when she looked at him. Her tone challenged him. “You didn’t come back for the funeral but I am sure you were told of his death. Your cousin’s district wasn’t that far away.”
Empathy and something else, compassion, perhaps, shone in his gaze.
She shifted uncomfortably. “Why do you want to know about his death now? It happened over a year ago.”
“Ya, it did.” He sighed heavily. “But you haven’t remarried.”
“That’s none of your concern, Joshua Miller.” She tapped her foot in a nervous rhythm against the porch floor. Her stress level rose.
“No, you’re right. It’s not.” He tilted her chin toward him. “But I’m asking just the same. Why haven’t you been courting? It would solve your land problem.”
She jumped to her feet. “Is that what you think, Joshua Miller? That poor Katie Lapp needs a man to save her? Well, I don’t. I am a strong, independent woman who can fend for herself. I can make my own decisions. I don’t need a man to tell me what to do. And especially not you!”
Joshua stood and clasped her forearms in his hands.
Immediately, she pushed at him and tried to pull from his grasp. “Take your hands off me!” She pulled harder. “Let me go!”
He released his hold. His stunned expression almost brought her to tears.
She tried to take a breath and almost panicked when one didn’t come. She gasped and then gasped again.
“Katie!” He put his hands on her again but this time with a gentleness that touched her heart. “It’s your asthma, isn’t it?” He guided her into the rocking chair. “I’d forgotten. You used to have attacks quite often when we were kids.”
She pulled the inhaler out of her pouch and again drew the medication into her lungs.
Joshua squatted in front of her, waiting, watching.
When her breathing returned to a normal rhythm, Joshua locked his gaze with hers.
“Talk to me, Katie.” His voice was soft and tender. “What happened to you in the years I’ve been gone?”
Tears burned the back of her eyes but she refused to shed even one. She couldn’t answer him. She couldn’t speak at all. Her pain cut too deep.
Slowly, so gently and so softly it took her breath away, he kissed her. It wasn’t the kiss that did her in. It was the kindness, the tenderness, the empathy she felt in it, and the floodgates opened. She sobbed and, try as she might, she couldn’t stop. It was as though years of pent-up tears finally broke through the impenetrable wall she’d built around her heart.
Joshua pulled her down onto the floor with him. Cradling her in his arms. Rocking her with his body. Comforting her with his words.
After what seemed an eternity, she stopped crying and he looked deeply into her eyes.
“Talk to me, lieb. Tell me what is wrong. Is it about Jacob?”
Katie nodded.
“Do you miss him that much? Even after all this time?”
Her sadness melted into anger as volatile as molten lava. “Miss him? I hated him!” Immediately her hands flew to her lips. She wished she could call back her words but, of course, she couldn’t.
Joshua sat back on his legs and stared at her. “You can’t mean that!”
She lowered her eyes, unable to meet his gaze. “God forgive me but it’s true.”
“Why, Katie?” He couldn’t hide his shock or keep the mild censure from his voice. “What would make you say such a thing about Jacob?”
“Jacob wasn’t Jacob. He wasn’t the boy we grew up with. He wasn’t the teenager I loved. He was a monster.”
Seconds of silence beat between them.
Joshua reached out and took her hand. “Tell me.”
Katie wanted to tell him. She needed to tell him. She’d never spoken of those days. Not even to God. She’d been too angry, too hurt...too scared that somehow it had all been her fault and she couldn’t face it.
But she looked into Joshua’s eyes and saw no censure there. Only compassion.
“Jacob drank alcohol and he became a different person when he did.” Her eyes implored him to believe her. “I never would have married him if I had known he was bringing this sickness into our marriage.”
Her fingers couldn’t find rest. They pulled at the edges of her apron, fiddled with the string of her kapp.
“Why didn’t you go to the elders?”
“Because it was Jacob.” The saddest of smiles pulled at the corners of her mouth. “At first, he would cry and beg for my forgiveness. He’d promise to never do it again. For months, he would keep his word...and they’d be good months. He would bring me wildflowers from the fields. He would hold my hand and take long walks with me by the pond. We would talk of our future, of the family we both wanted. Then he would drink again. Oh, he would apologize—again. He’d stop for a while until I started to believe that this time h
e was free of that poison. But over time a pattern formed. I knew Jacob wouldn’t stop...couldn’t stop.”
“When you knew he couldn’t stop, why didn’t you tell the elders then?”
She lowered her head and all the bravado she had shown Joshua since he’d returned was gone, all the anger emptied. All that was left was pain and self-blame.
“I was afraid of him.”
*
“Of Jacob?” Joshua was incredulous. “How could anyone be afraid of Jacob? I would never have believed he’d raise his hand to any woman and certainly not to you.”
She looked accusingly at him and he realized instantly that he’d said the wrong thing, reacted the wrong way.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I had no right to judge.” He ran the tips of his fingers ever so gently down her cheek. “I knew Jacob as a boy. I didn’t know him as a man.”
“The alcohol made him different.” Her voice sounded listless and empty. “He wasn’t the Jacob I knew. He wasn’t the Jacob anybody knew.” She put out her hand and held her wrist face up. “He hurt me. He’d take delight in proving his strength, his power over me.”
Joshua blanched when his gaze fell to the scars on her wrist. Although he’d seen them before, a fresh wave of rage washed over him. He clasped her wrist in his hand. “He did this to you?” He’d heard the women gossiping in the corner of the general store that things weren’t right between them but he assumed it was the drinking. He never believed his friend could grow up into this kind of man.
“He promised he would do much worse than this if I ever spoke of his drinking to anyone...so I didn’t. After he died, I promised myself that I would never again be a victim. That I would never again let a man control my life.”
“I’m sorry, Katie. I’m so sorry.” He slid his fingers across her rippled scars.
She shrugged. “You have no reason to apologize.”
All of it made sense now. The hostility he sensed in her from that very first day in the barn. The edginess. The wariness in her eyes. The dullness in eyes that used to be bright. The bravado and false sense of independence. Her difficulty accepting help from anyone except Levi.
Joshua rubbed a hand over his face. To get her to go to the police that very first day, he’d grabbed her hand and pulled her behind him. She’d erupted in anger, a side of her he had never seen before. Now he understood. He must have seemed like just another bully trying to force her to do something she hadn’t wanted to do. He understood it all—and it made him physically ill.
Please, God. Help me. How will she ever forgive me? Especially now.
How can I ever forgive myself?
Everything in him wanted to slink off into the cover of darkness.
But he couldn’t.
No matter how she reacted—with anger, with a slap, with a vow to never speak to him again—she deserved to know the truth.
Joshua stood. He extended his hand and helped her to her feet.
“I cannot apologize enough, Katie. My heart breaks for what you have gone through.”
Katie smiled up at him, such a sweet, endearing smile. She cupped the side of his face with her hand.
“You have nothing to apologize for, Joshua. You have been a good friend.” Her smile widened. “It is because of you that I have the courage to speak of these things to someone. It has helped me more than you know.” She stood on tiptoe and kissed his cheek. “Danki.”
He clasped her forearms and gently moved her away. He knew from the expression on her face that she believed he couldn’t accept the things she’d said. He knew he had to set things right—now—no matter what the cost.
“I have done a horrible thing.”
Katie pulled her shawl tighter around her body. “I don’t understand.” Her confusion and perhaps a touch of fear appeared on her face. “What have you done but listen to me? Help me? Be the best friend that I have missed all these years?”
Her tears...and smiles...and questions were ripping his heart out.
“I have not been the friend to you that I should have been. I should have been here for you. I should have stopped Jacob.”
Katie laughed mirthlessly. “That’s nonsense, Joshua. How could you have stopped Jacob? You didn’t know. Nobody knew. He hid it well.”
Bile rose in his throat and at that moment he hated himself more than she ever could.
“I knew.”
He watched her smile slip away. Doubt filled her eyes only to quickly fade into shock and finally realization.
“You knew?” she whispered in disbelief.
He nodded.
“I don’t understand. What did you know? When did you know?” She clasped her hand to her chest and seemed to be holding her breath while she waited for his answer.
“I knew he drank, shortly after you were married. I knew right before I left for my cousin’s.”
Her eyes searched the ground as if she’d find answers in the dirt, answers she’d been unable to draw from him.
When she lifted her eyes, the sense of betrayal he saw in them was almost more than he could bear. “I can’t believe you didn’t warn me.”
When she spoke again, her voice was calm, controlled. “How did you find out?”
“One night I found him by the side of the road. I helped him into my buggy and then I realized that he was drunk. He told me it was the first and only time. He had met up with some Englisch friends that he had hung out with during rumspringa. Foolishly he had gone with them to a local bar. Jacob assured me that he would never do it again. He told me that he could never disrespect you or your marriage. He begged me to keep silent and I did.”
Katie paced in a small circle. She seemed to be trying to process this new information. “Do you have any idea what your silence cost me?” Absently she rubbed her wrists. “He hurt me, Joshua. He forced his will on me so many times. He grew to take pleasure in knowing I was powerless against him. And the worst of it?” Tears shimmered in her eyes. “He made me believe I was a terrible wife. He told me over and over that his drinking was my fault.”
Joshua could not speak. What could he possibly say? The knowledge that his silence had caused her such pain felt as if someone had stabbed him in the heart.
“Why did you leave Hope’s Creek? Why didn’t you stay and see if Jacob could keep his word?”
“I believed him, Katie. Do you think if I knew that it was more than once, if I thought for even one moment that he was lying to me, that I would have kept silent no matter how much he begged? He was my friend. But you...you were so much more.”
Katie just stood and stared at him.
He didn’t know what bothered him most, that she didn’t yell at him, slap him or tell him to get out of her life—or if it was the sadness and the disappointment he saw in her eyes.
“Tell me the truth, Joshua. Why did you leave? You were a farmer. I never heard you express a desire to work with wood. Not once in all the years I’ve known you. No one understood why you chose to leave so abruptly.” She pinned him with her gaze. “Tell me now. I want to know.”
And there it was—the crux of the matter.
“Because I loved you.” He didn’t know how he found the strength to force the words out of his mouth but she deserved to know the truth, all of it. He released a heavy sigh. “I loved you and you were married to my best friend.” He threw his hands up in surrender. “How could I possibly stay?”
Tears streamed down Katie’s face. “Oh, Joshua, what have you done?”
SIX
Joshua stepped off the porch into the darkness. He didn’t know what he’d expected. What should he expect when he’d just told the love of his life that he’d kept silent about her husband’s drinking and that silence had cost her emotional pain and physical abuse for years? How could he ever look her in the eyes again?
He walked around the perimeter of her house making sure it was secure. Although he rattled windows and twisted doorknobs, he could think of nothing but the look on Katie’s face jus
t before she turned and went into the house.
She’d never forgive him.
He didn’t deserve to be forgiven.
Joshua stepped into the barn. He checked every stall. He climbed the ladder and peered into the loft.
No one.
Nothing.
Katie was locked in and safe for the night.
Joshua, feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders, began the trek home. As he walked he relived the events of the evening. He could hear her voice in his mind as clearly as if she stood right beside him. His mind replayed every word. His memory burned images in his brain.
Katie smiling up at him.
Katie cupping his face.
Katie leaning into his kiss and kissing him back.
Katie crying and looking totally betrayed just moments before she walked inside the house and closed the door.
Dear heavenly Father, forgive me. Katie suffered for years because I stayed silent. How am I going to live with that?
Joshua was halfway home when he saw Levi’s buggy coming his way. He sidestepped just as Levi pulled to a stop beside him.
“I thought you’d still be at Katie’s.”
“I made sure that no one is lurking around and that everything is locked up tight. She’ll be safe until morning.”
Levi nodded. “I certainly hope so. This is all becoming too much to handle. I am going to offer Katie money for the farm. I can’t afford to give her what Adams and King are offering. But I believe out of respect for all the hard work that I have done, she will sell the land to me and keep it in the Lapp family where it belongs.”
The thought of Katie leaving Hope’s Creek permanently was more painful than the thought that she’d never speak to him again. At least if she stayed here he would still be able to see her...and he could hope that things might change. He’d stopped believing in forgiveness but he still hoped for miracles.
“I don’t think tonight is a good time to broach the subject, Levi.”
“That was not my intention. I will bring up the subject tomorrow at breakfast. So many things have been happening to her lately that I am sure she is more than ready to leave.”