by Perry, Marta
Joshua’s heart sank because he believed it, too.
“Climb in. I will turn around and take you home. It will not take me more than a few minutes out of my way.”
Joshua shook his head. “Danki, but no. I wish to walk. I need to clear my head and walking does that for me.”
“As you wish.” Levi said, “I will settle my account with you tomorrow.”
Joshua shrugged. “No hurry.”
“I am a man who pays his debts. You did good work, Joshua. I am grateful.”
Joshua acknowledged the compliment with a nod. The Amish didn’t waste words on compliments. It could cause the recipient to be prideful. So why did Levi do so now?
“Since the house has been repaired and the stalls finished, there will be no need for you to come over anymore.” Levi smiled but there was no warmth in his eyes. If Joshua didn’t know better, he would have thought it a veiled threat.
Again, his mind went to Katie. “You’re right, Levi. There will be no reason for me to come out to the farm again.”
“Gut. Then I will be certain to stop by your house in the morning and settle our account.” With a nod and a crack of his whip, Levi urged his horse on.
Fifteen minutes later, Joshua reached the lane leading to home. He’d never felt this dejected or hopeless. He’d lost Katie once because he’d been too much of a coward to tell her what was on his mind. How ironic that he’d lost her again because this time he did.
*
Katie sat in her bedroom in the dark and stared out the window. She didn’t light her oil lamp. She wanted to just sit quietly and gaze at the stars. She didn’t want to think, didn’t want to feel. She just wanted to be.
The full moon cast a glow over the yard below. A movement in the shadows caught her eye. She stared hard and waited for it to move again.
The mother cat appeared out of the shadows. She was on the prowl for tonight’s dinner. Katie smiled humorlessly. And life goes on.
She almost got up to go to bed when a movement caught her eye, a second shadow, this one larger and more cumbersome. She squinted her eyes to focus and stared harder at the shadows by the barn.
Was someone down there?
Her heart pounded. She didn’t dare breathe as she stared at the spot where she thought she’d seen movement.
The shadow moved. Someone definitely moved in the darkness. Thankful for a full moon, she prayed that the person would step out of the shadows just long enough for her to see who it was.
But it didn’t happen.
The person moved stealthily, carefully, hanging back in the gloom, hiding in the murkiness.
From the size of the moving mass, she felt fairly certain that her intruder was a man.
A man who was creeping into her barn!
Katie didn’t know what to do. She wanted to discover who it was that tormented her. She wanted to sneak downstairs, tiptoe out to the barn and peek inside at the intruder. Once she knew who it was, she’d tell the sheriff and the elders and the whole world if need be just to be able to expose the culprit once and for all.
That was what she wanted to do.
But she wasn’t stupid.
She knew she was alone in the house. She had no weapon even though she wouldn’t use one if she did. Levi wouldn’t be here until morning and Joshua...Joshua would probably never come out here again.
So she continued to sit in the darkness and stared at the barn door. Whoever went in had to come out. Maybe she’d see the culprit then.
Katie found that time moved exceedingly slow when a person had to wait. Seconds became minutes and every minute felt like a lifetime.
What was the person doing in the barn? Was he stealing her horses or her tack and farm equipment? Maybe this time the culprit would leave her a note lying on a bale of hay.
She was so nervous she thought she was going to jump out of her skin.
Maybe she should go downstairs. She might get a better look at who it was if she crept out onto the porch. This man wasn’t the only person who could hide in the shadows.
But what if he came out of the barn while she was going downstairs? She wouldn’t know and she’d lose her only opportunity to identify her tormentor.
She waited another five minutes, then ten.
Unable to stand it, she sprang to her feet. She’d take her chances. She was going to hide on the porch. She couldn’t just sit here and do nothing.
Before she could move, she saw it.
She wasn’t sure at first. It was just the tiniest light and for a moment Katie thought the foolish man had actually taken a chance and lit a lantern.
But the light grew...and spread...and Katie’s eyes widened with dread.
The barn was on fire!
*
Joshua couldn’t resist stealing another glance toward the Lapp farm. He knew he wouldn’t see anything in the darkness. Katie was safely in bed. There’d be no lights in either the house or the barn.
Still, he looked in that direction.
He blinked, then blinked again. His eyes must be deceiving him. It couldn’t be!
“Katie!”
Without hesitation, he ran.
Flames licked at the edge of the horizon. He offered a quick prayer that Katie wouldn’t foolishly rush into a burning barn. The thought that she might gave him a burst of adrenaline and he raced faster than he would have ever believed he could.
He’d reached the lane leading to the Lapp house when he heard it—the loud, ceaseless clanging of the triangle. Katie wasn’t inside the barn.
Thank You, God.
When the clanging stopped, he began to worry. She wouldn’t be foolish enough to try to put the flames out by herself, would she?
The horses!
Of course! Katie wouldn’t hesitate to try to free the horses.
He pumped his legs harder, ignoring the painful cramping in his thighs. Katie needed him and this time he wasn’t going to let her down.
*
Katie swung the barn door wide and rushed inside as the mama cat and her kittens bolted past her. The frantic whinny of frightened horses made her heart beat double time. Smoke obstructed her view and stole what little breath she had left after her earlier asthma attack. She coughed and bent over at the waist and coughed some more.
She knew the inside of this barn. She could describe every nook and cranny. Unable to see more than a few inches in front of her, she moved by rote to the first stall. She was careful to stand behind the heavy oak gate that Joshua had constructed, knowing that the terrified horse would stampede out of the stall the second it sensed liberty. Sure enough, the horse’s thundering hooves pounded the dirt floor as it rushed to freedom. Moving as quickly as she could, she repeated the scenario at the second stall and then the third.
She coughed nonstop now. Her chest burned and she had to fight for every breath. She snatched her inhaler that was pinned to her dress. She couldn’t wait until she made it outside. Her lungs felt as if they were going to explode.
She held the inhaler up to her mouth but somebody grabbed it away and pushed her to the floor. Thick smoke hung in the air above her. Katie turned her face toward the dirt and was able to suck in air instead of smoke. She rolled onto her back to face her assailant.
Levi!
Katie couldn’t believe that Levi was her enemy. He must be a victim, too. Hurriedly her eyes scanned the barn. A sinking feeling settled in the pit of her stomach when she realized the truth that was staring her in the face.
“Why?” Katie choked and coughed. “Why, Levi?”
“This land has been in my family for generations. You had no right to it, you sniveling, weak-minded woman. Jacob should have left the farm to me!”
“Levi...please...I need my inhaler.” She reached up her hand but clasped only empty air.
“This little thing?” By this time, Levi also choked and coughed on the smoke but he didn’t even try to run out the door. “Let’s see what happens if I throw this away.”
�
��No! Don’t!”
With a laugh that sounded surreal and almost evil, Levi tossed the inhaler into the nearby flames.
“Levi...we have to get out of here.”
“You’re staying right here where you belong.” He laughed again.
Katie crawled on the ground. “We’re family.” Each word was punctuated with a cough and another gasp for air. Katie clutched the bottom of his pant leg.
Levi viciously kicked her away.
“My brother was family. You were the woman who ruined his life. He’d never have touched a drop of that poison if he’d been happy at home. You killed my brother and you might as well have tried to kill me. You were going to sell the only home I have ever known. I knew when I made my offer that it wasn’t enough. I knew you would take one of the greater offers and I couldn’t let you do it.”
“Why are you burning the barn?”
“To bring down the value of the property. I hoped the other two men would go away.”
“Levi, I never told you I would sell to them because I never would. The farm belongs to you.”
He glared at her, a flash of uncertainty evident in his expression.
It was so difficult now to breathe that Katie couldn’t even feel the crushing pressure of her lungs anymore.
“You knew?” The hoarse whisper that escaped her lips didn’t even sound like her voice. “About Jacob’s drinking?”
“I knew. And I hated you for it. My brother didn’t deserve to die...but you do! May God have mercy on your soul.”
“Levi! No! Don’t leave me!”
Katie watched Levi disappear into the darkness. She tried to crawl across the floor but was too weak to save herself. Hope was gone. No one would get here in time to help her and she was too weak to save herself. She closed her eyes and surrendered her will to God. If this was His plan, so be it.
A strange heaviness started in her feet and slowly spread up her legs and through her body.
Is this what it feels like to die?
She couldn’t draw one more breath.
Her last conscious thought was a deep sadness that she’d never get the chance to see Joshua again. He’d never know she’d forgiven him. She hoped that God would help him forgive himself.
*
Joshua reached the barn door just as Levi stumbled out of the smoke. He steadied the man and prevented his fall. “Levi, what happened? Are you all right? Where’s Katie?”
Joshua glanced over his shoulder hoping he’d see Katie standing on the porch or waiting in the doorway. His heart sank when she wasn’t there.
Levi coughed and sputtered and stammered unintelligibly.
“Levi! Get hold of yourself!” He shook the man then shook him again. “Pull yourself together. Where is Katie? Where is she?”
Levi laughed...a maniacal sound that made the hair on the back of Joshua’s neck stand up.
“It’s too late.” Levi laughed again and pointed at the barn, which by now was almost completely engulfed in flames. “She’s getting what she deserves.”
By now, neighbors had heard the ringing and began to gather in the yard. They started a human chain gathering water from the troughs and passing it one to the other to throw on the fire.
Joshua could hear the distant sound of the fire engines.
But all that registered in his mind were Levi’s words. Katie is in the barn.
He ripped his shirt off and dipped it into a bucket of water.
“Joshua, what are you doing? You can’t go in there.” Amos tried to stop him but Joshua shook his hand away.
“Katie’s in there!”
Wrapping his wet shirt around his nose and mouth, he raced into the barn.
Joshua threw an arm up to protect his face. A blast of heat seared his skin.
“Katie!”
He screamed her name but all he could hear was the deafening roar of the fire.
Where was she? He moved farther into the barn. The black, thick smoke obscured his vision and threatened to choke him despite the wet rag on his face.
Where could she be?
Despite the fear that clawed at his gut and the chaos that surrounded him, a voice of reason sounded in Joshua’s head. If Katie came into the barn, it would have been to save the horses. Moving quickly, he found his way to the first stall.
“Katie!”
Bending at the waist because of the racking coughs that claimed his body, he made it to the second stall, then the third.
He was about to admit defeat when he tripped over something on the floor and almost fell.
Katie!
Kneeling at her side, he lifted her head. He held two fingers against her throat to feel for a heartbeat and could barely detect one.
Joshua scooped her into his arms. Moving as quickly as he dared, he hurried toward the door. When he burst into the yard, several of the other men came running. They lifted Katie from his arms and placed her on the ground at the foot of the porch.
A few of the men slapped Joshua on the back and half carried, half dragged him to safety, as well.
The volunteer firefighters, composed of Amish and Englisch alike, fought valiantly to subdue the flames. He knew it wasn’t to save the barn—that was futile at this point—but in an attempt to prevent the fire from leaping to the house.
Pushing his way through the crowd, Joshua rushed to Katie and fell to his knees beside her. The paramedics had put an oxygen mask on her face and were preparing to lift her onto a gurney.
“Is she alive?” Joshua wiped soot from his eyes and mouth.
“Barely. We gotta go,” said one of the paramedics, who secured an IV bag to a pole on the gurney.
Joshua watched them lift Katie into the ambulance. Sirens rent the night air as the rig sped down the land.
Joshua watched the flashing lights disappear in the distance. He remained on his knees and prayed.
SEVEN
“There you are. C’mon, now. Open those eyes again.”
When she did, Katie saw Esther Fischer smoothing the hair off her forehead and away from her face.
“You gave us quite a scare, you know,” the bishop’s wife said.
“What happened?” Katie’s voice was little more than a whispered croak.
“We wanted to ask you the same thing.” Joshua appeared in her line of vision. He looked drawn and tired.
“You look horrible.” She summoned up a laugh that sounded almost as bad as her gravelly voice.
“Danki,” Joshua replied. He moved to the opposite side of the bed and clasped her hand in his. “Maybe that’s because I haven’t slept in two days.”
“Ya, that’s right,” Esther said. “I tried to get him to leave but he’s like a mule, stubborn as they come.” Esther leaned down and whispered in her ear, “Now we can add loyal and heroic to Joshua Miller’s fine qualities. If you don’t let him come courting, I might consider asking him myself.”
Katie chuckled. “You’re already married. What would Amos say?”
“He’d say I was a fine judge of character.” Esther patted her arm. “I’m going to go tell the doctor that you are awake.”
The door had barely closed behind the woman when Katie turned her eyes toward Joshua.
“I need to tell you—”
“Katie, I—”
Both of them smiled.
“You first,” Katie said. Her throat burned and her head throbbed but she’d never been so happy to be alive.
Joshua lifted her hand and pressed her fingers to his lips. Katie’s breath caught in her throat when she saw tears form in his eyes.
“I’ve never prayed so hard in my life.” He kissed her fingers again but did not let go of her hand. “I thought it was too late and I’d lost you.” He clutched her hand against his chest, tears streaming freely down his face. “Forgive me, Katie, for what I did. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you if you’ll let me.”
Katie lifted her free hand and wiped the tears from his cheek. “I forgive you,
Joshua. You know we must forgive as God has forgiven us.”
He nodded. “Ya, it is the Amish way. But sometimes forgiveness does not come easily.”
“How can I blame you for what I was guilty of myself?”
Joshua arched an eyebrow.
“I didn’t tell the bishop about Jacob’s drinking. Maybe if I had, someone might have been able to help him.”
“You cannot blame yourself for his drinking, Katie. It was his responsibility and no one else’s fault.”
“Really?”
He grinned at the irony of his words. “Like I said, sometimes forgiveness does not come easily. How fortunate we are that God loves us enough to forgive us even when we find it hard to forgive ourselves.”
“And Levi?” Her heart felt like a stone in her chest. “What has happened to Levi?”
“He tried to run away. The sheriff arrested him the morning after the fire.”
Katie sighed. “I feel sorry for him. To be silent all those years, harbor the belief that I was the cause of his brother’s death and yet work sunup till sundown to help me save the farm.”
“He was saving the farm for himself, not you, Katie. It was greed that destroyed him.”
Katie tried to sit up.
“Here. Let me help you.” Joshua slid his arm beneath her shoulders. He lifted her to a sitting position and straightened her pillows to support her back.
Suddenly, he stopped what he was doing. His one arm still rested beneath her shoulders. His other hand gently tilted her chin until her eyes locked with his. Without a word, he lowered his head and captured her lips. When Joshua released her, he removed his arm from her back and straightened up, but he never left her side.
“I wish you had shared your feelings, Joshua, when we were teens. If I’d known how you felt about me...” Her voice trailed off but her eyes never left his face. He didn’t squirm and look away like the shy teenage boy he had once been. He stared back at her with a self-confidence she was becoming quite familiar with, an inner strength she found quite appealing.
“You only had eyes for Jacob back then.” His eyes darkened with intensity. His smile was slow and lazy.
“And now? If I share my feelings with you now?”