by Carole Gill
But then I felt there was reason for this. I thought it was the guilt of feeling drawn to him that was making me dream of her!
If I felt different physically I began to feel different mentally too. I was enjoying food more—looking forward to eating as never before. I even found the children more delightful, my work with them more enjoyable.
The house seemed more exquisite and the moors and garden more beautiful. I was pleased, for it occurred to me I must be healing. How could it be anything else?
Even the horrid memory of my family’s brutal murders and the fury I still felt for my father began to dissipate somewhat. Had I been a religious person I would have thanked God.
And if I was changing, it seemed also that there were changes afoot around me, for instance with regard to Mr. Darton as he was even busier now.
I rarely saw him, which I found disappointing. And despite knowing that nothing could come of my pathetic school girl crush, my adoration did not diminish but continued to grow if anything.
I was always hopeful of seeing him even briefly, of catching just a moment with him in the hall or garden.
It was the nursing of an infatuation, one that would take its toll later on.
*
Days and weeks passed and a routine began to evolve wherein the children had their lessons Monday through Friday, leaving weekends free for leisure time. This, I thought, was admirable and forward thinking of Mrs. Darton.
We generally had a houseguest for the weekend as Dr. Bannion would come up most of the time. His visits were pleasant and I found any doubts I had about him no longer troubled me.
He had also been keeping me abreast of that awful incident when I had been molested at Marsh. “The police are investigating. They have found nothing of any consequence yet, but I shall keep you informed.”
I was grateful and told him I was. It was odd, but I found I was able to put that awful incident aside. It seemed to me I had developed untold inner-strength I never knew I had.
Was this all part of my dramatic recovery? Dr. Antor said he thought it was.
Life seemed to be so much better but then another thing happened.
It was a lovely and warm Sunday and I told the children they could go wading if they wished. There is a small pond on the other side of the house. It is a lovely spot, surrounded by trees and hedges, seemingly apart from the world and yet in it.
“Just like a secret garden,” I told them.
That so pleased them, they decided they would call it their secret lake. “But you must promise me never to come here alone,” I cautioned.
Ada giggled and Simon too. But they promised. Now standing before me, they were both adamant. “Oh please, Miss Baines. We want to go into our secret lake and perhaps you do as well!”
“Oh dear, I don’t know about that. I’ll watch you though.”
“But that will be so boring, won’t it?” Ada asked.
“No go on. I shall enjoy watching you!”
It really was lovely there, surrounded by birdsong and the happy laughter of my two charges.
They soon had their stockings off and their clothes knotted up in such a way they would not get anything wet.
I longed to go in too but didn’t think it proper. So I watched them scream with delight and splash one another. Besides, I had my own thoughts to consider like my foolish crush on Mr. Darton!
I was thinking about him when it happened, a piercingly loud scream that tore the world apart, or so it seemed to me. I shot to my feet, trying to figure out where it came from, for I was certain someone was in dire need of help.
Suddenly Mr. Darton appeared.
“Mr. Darton! That scream! Where do you think—”
He was standing very still, motionless in fact, with what can only be described as a blank look upon his face. When he saw how upset I must have looked, he spoke. “Scream? Oh that! It must have been a bird. Some of them make the most frightful noise…” He went on to explain about sometimes hearing the strangest bird calls. “Just don’t be frightened, Miss Baines. There is no need.”
No need, indeed I thought.
I felt soured by this incident, for I had begun to idolize him and did now feel that he had passed off my observation as something silly and inconsequential, something not worth bothering about. Was it because it came from a former madhouse inmate?
The children came out laughing but they caught my look. “Are you alright, Miss Baines? You look worried.”
How could a child Ada’s age be so discerning? I had often considered each of them wiser than their years and now was such a moment. I smiled, and Ada smiled too.
“I worry only because I adore you, Miss Baines. That is the only reason.”
“Thank you.”
It was a moment of bliss, for which I was grateful.
We went inside for luncheon and were told the Dartons and Dr. Bannion had gone away for the remainder of the day.
They returned quite late. I had just put the children to bed. I wanted to wish them goodnight but they were talking quietly. “We will sleep, we promise for we…”
“So like to dream,” I finished for them.
“Yes, we do,” Ada agreed. “Our dreams are almost as much fun as other things we get up to.”
“Well, as long as they aren’t naughty things!” I said as I bade them good night.
I met Mrs. Darton in the hall. She smiled at me. “Oh, you are still up then, and the children are tucked in? Thank you. Are they alright?”
I thought her drunk truthfully, for her words were slightly slurred and I did detect the aroma of brandy.
“Rose, you are a treasure. I don’t know what we should do without you!”
“Thank you, Mrs. Darton.”
As I turned toward my room, she stared and smiled at me in the oddest way. She then bade me goodnight and slipped into her room.
*
I was surprised to see that Dora had left the pitcher outside my door the next morning as she always greeted me with it.
Perhaps she was busy, I thought. As I bent down to take it I heard someone call my name. It was Mrs. Darton.
Mrs. Darton’s boudoir was just down the hall from mine. I went to see what she wanted. “Oh Rose, I thought I heard you.” She was still wearing her dressing gown. “The children are having their breakfast with their father. I alas have never been an early riser.” She was watching me in her mirror. “Did you sleep well, Rose?” Suddenly, I detected that vile odor of the herbal tea they all drank. My stomach nearly turned over. I did my best to hide the fact.
“Yes, Mrs. Darton, thank you.”
She nodded. “That’s good. I am glad. Would you open the curtains for me? After you do that, I should like you to brush my hair. I love having my hair brushed. It is such a luxury, I think.”
This was the first time she had ever asked me to do something personal for her. But I did as requested.
Suddenly I noticed the paintings that lined her wall.
“Do you like my paintings?”
I went to look at them and gasped, for they were outrageous in the extreme. They depicted lovemaking between naked men and women. Some just depicted women with women in all sorts of embraces and others only men in all sorts of embraces. I had never seen anything like it.
“You look shocked,” she smiled. “Don’t be. Amour is amour. No matter who loves another. It is a mere preference, nothing else. Tell me, do you like to read, my dear?”
I said I did. “Well, I shall encourage you to read any book of mine that you like. I have quite a collection.” She made a sweeping gesture toward the book case. “They are quite rare some of them, classics you see, and beautifully illustrated.”
I thanked her. “That is most kind. I am sure I will sometime.”
She handed me the brush.
I noticed she was still watching me from the mirror and smiling. “You do look very well, Rose, so much better than when you first arrived. You are truly a very, very beautiful young woman.”<
br />
“Thank you, I feel better.”
She smiled and took a sip of that foul tea. “You must try our tea some time. It really is a wonder.”
I thanked her, knowing I would never take the stuff. We then spoke of the children and discussed what lessons they were good at and what I had in mind to teach them.
I was just about to leave when she called me back. She was holding a book. “I do insist. This is excellent; I want you to have it!” As she made a gesture to hand it to me, she dropped it and as she bent to pick it up, her dressing gown opened. Before she could close it I saw her naked breast just for a moment.
“Excusez-moi!” she giggled.
I smiled, but I caught a look on her face, a look of desire or perhaps of something even more as she handed me the book.
I looked at the cover. My Passion.
“It is a tale of passion and of discovery—a journey a girl makes when she finds untold pleasures she never thought possible. I think you will like it. After all, life is full of discoveries. You have but to look.”
Before I could say or do anything she reached out and touched my breast. “I can make you happy, Rose, happier than you ever thought possible.”
“No!” I cried as I pulled away. I rushed out into the hall and just as I got to my door, I turned to see her still watching me, still smiling at me.
And then she said something very odd. She told me sadly, almost apologetically, “I thought you were ready…”
Chapter 18
Dora had just come up. She took one look at me and asked, “What is it, Miss, what’s wrong?”
Without saying one word, I pulled Dora into my room. “Dora!” I gasped. “She tried to have me, Mrs. Darton! She touched me and—”
Dora did not look surprised. “She’s like that is Mrs. Darton.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. “What do you mean?”
“She’s like that, that’s all. So will you leave then?”
I sat down feeling quite shocked. After all, I had just told Dora something I considered to be unbelievable and she was acting so matter-of-fact about it.
“I don’t know. I should leave.” Even as I said it I felt constrained not to leave. I was an orphan without anyone, where would I go? What position might I expect with my history? No, I would stay, what other choice did I have?
Dora was talking. “You should see sometimes at the club…”
“The Club? You mean the one in Manchester?”
Dora stared at me. “Well—that and other places…please Miss, I can’t say more. Please.”
“But you mentioned it yourself! Oh, please tell me!”
“I can’t, Miss, please take no notice. I beg you!”
What was this? What kind of home had I come into? “Dora, has she ever tried…”
Dora shook her head. “No, right particular she is…” she stopped speaking then as if she had changed her mind. I wished her to go on but she didn’t. Instead, she told me she had duties downstairs. “Don’t let it trouble you, Miss. If you are firm she’ll get the idea. I’m sure she will.”
I watched her leave and stared at the closed door for quite some time.
Perhaps I wasn’t as highly regarded as I thought. Perhaps I had best take my lot and make the best of it; after all, if things got worse I could always go back to Marsh!
No, there was little choice for me. I’d stay and make the best of it.
Truthfully, I never knew such things existed—such fancies as Mrs. Darton had. The only thing I could recall were two women that lived near us in Notting Hill, two women my mother said were vile, unnatural creatures. When she said it I was frightened for I considered them to be monsters of some kind.
But despite that, I grew up believing all people had a right to exist although that right didn’t mean that they could force themselves…
I was startled by a knock. But it was only the children who had come to remind me about breakfast. “Please or we shall never have our lessons!”
“Yes, I’ll come,” I said, taking them each toward the stairs, and passing by Mrs. Darton’s room as quickly as possible.
We had breakfast and my eggs and toast were good, although they had one of those infernal meat puddings. When they urged me to eat some I shook my head and explained that it was far too heavy for me to eat at this hour.
“Well, have some paté then,” Simon offered.
I took some. Actually, it was quite good. When I reached for more, Ada giggled and said I’d wind up eating meat puddings soon too, which drew a big grin from Simon.
Mrs. Darton came down later, just as I was taking the children to the nursery for their lessons. She looked sad, almost contrite. “Rose, if you’d like you may have the afternoon off, it’s such a fine day. Perhaps you and Dora might like a walk into town. Besides, you haven’t even left the grounds on your days off yet, have you?”
A look passed between us and I felt this was her way of apologizing.
“Thank you, Mrs. Darton, I think I shall.”
*
It was arranged that Dora would be off as well. She was pleased and said so. But before we left she said she needed to have some more tea as she felt chilled.
I thought that odd as it was such a lovely spring day. “Why, it’s full of sunshine, Dora—surely you don’t need to warm yourself up.”
She smiled and said she did. Then she laughed and shook her head. “You can’t walk in those, Miss. They shall fall apart!” She was referring to my shoes.
“Here, these are what you need. They’re clogs, Rose. A bit clumsy looking but better than something that would soon fall to pieces.”
We kept to the path such as it was—a crooked winding walkway of sorts that Dora said with emphasis was probably ancient.
It seemed to me we walked for ages, chatting a bit and then falling silent too until Dora pointed to a weather-beaten sign that said: EGTON ½ MILE.
We arrived at last. “So this is Egton,” I said.
“Just a Yorkshire village, but the views are nice from up there. You can see for miles!” Dora suggested, pointing toward a hill.
“What’s that up there? It looks like a church.”
“Yes, Saint something or other,” Dora replied.
“Do you want to go inside?” I asked.
She looked surprised. “No, not me. Not one for church.”
The bells tolled then and we both looked to see a man in black watching us. “That’ll be the vicar, I expect.”
“Old grumpy git,” Dora muttered. “Sorry I took you up here.”
“You sound as if you know him.”
She shook her head. “Can’t say that I do, other than to say he’s a cross old bird and very unfriendly from what I heard.”
I turned once more to look at him and was surprised to see he was making the sign of the cross as if to bless me.
“There! You see? I told you it was beautiful,” Dora said. “Look, over that way that’s Huddersfield and in the distance that’s Wakefield.”
It was nice sitting there and gazing down at the world. We stayed and chatted for a bit but then Dora noticed two people she knew. “Come Rose, I’d like you to meet these two ladies.”
I looked to see two nearly identical looking middle-aged women dressed in matching clothes. They were smiling. “I venture to say you are the new governess!” one of them exclaimed.
Dora introduced me. “Misses Lodge, this is Miss Rose Baines and yes, she is the new governess.”
They both smiled and greeted me. “Both Mr. and Mrs. Darton are our dearest friends and the children are—” Here they paused. “Like our own niece and nephew.”
What funny women they were, I thought, nice if a bit eccentric and almost comical with their odd looking clothes that had to have been out of date by at least twenty years.
When they bade us goodbye and walked away, Dora explained, “Yes, they are ever so sweet but quite unconventional in their manner and dress. And they are so kind to me, speaking to me as if
I were their equal. You see, they are more Mr. and Mrs. Darton’s sort than mine or yours for that matter.”
“Are those the ladies the children stay with sometimes?”
Dora nodded. “Yes, they do quite adore both children. They never married…” Dora’s voice trailed off and she looked sad.
“Well, it’s nice for Mr. and Mrs. Darton to have friends like that.”
“Oh yes!” Dora replied. “It most certainly is.”
*
We bought meat pies and had them as we walked along the High Street, although I would have preferred to sit and eat mine. My mother never thought it proper to eat and walk at the same time. But Dora seemed impatient to get about, explaining it was ages since she had been there.
The subject of Mrs. Sternwood came up and I mentioned that I hadn’t seen much of her of late. “Is she away permanently?” I asked hopefully.
“No such luck,” Dora answered. “In fact she is due back today. She had some business in Manchester I think. She’s a nasty old thing, isn’t she?”
I quite agreed.
Soon we got to speaking about Mr. Darton and she told me how much she respected him. Although I had a feeling that she was somewhat fearful of him.
“Has he ever been awful to you Dora, is that what it is?”
I didn’t think she was going to tell me. But she did. “Well he’s nice enough, it’s just he quite frightens me sometimes. I think he might have a temper and I don’t like that…it reminds me of some things I’d rather forget…”
I had a feeling I knew what she meant. “Feel free to tell me anything you like for sometimes it is good to share things, it frees the heart for other things.”
She began to cry then. “My father threw me out, Rose. I was pregnant and the boy left me and…!”
“Oh, Dora! I had a feeling it was something like that.”
As I hugged her to me I happened to notice a deep scar running along her neck. Perhaps her father had done worse to her than throw her out.
She told me a bit about the boy and how they met, but then she seemed to get quiet all at once.
I wanted to raise her spirits so I began to tell her things about the children to make her laugh. I was pleased to see her spirits pick up then.