Always His (Crazed Devotion #1)

by C. A. Harms

I crawled from bed in my piss-stained tank and walked toward her room. She’d already begun pulling off the sheets and had them all piled in the center of her little bed—a bed I knew she would outgrow in a short time.

  “I helped,” she stated proudly as she pointed toward the mess of pink-and-yellow sheets and blankets.

  She didn’t have accidents often, so it was hard to get upset. But a night with Liz was the explanation for this one, I was sure. Liz didn’t understand the concept of limiting drinks before bed any more than my daughter did.

  “Let’s gather these up, and then we both need a bath before we head over to Pawpaw’s house to do our laundry.”

  Tori began moving quickly around the room gathering up toys, and I smiled. She was so easily distracted. She absolutely adored my father, and I swear my daughter was his best friend. At least she had one amazing man in her life that truly loved her.

  After the sheets were gathered and I’d tossed my soiled tank in the hamper too, I jumped in the shower while Tori played with her dolls on the floor right outside. It was the easiest way to keep her out of trouble while I fit in a quick wash when we were home alone.

  Following a shower that could go in the record books as one of the fastest ever, I filled the tub with warm water and placed her inside, where I washed her hair with her apple-scented shampoo. It was funny to see her breathe in deep as the suds formed on her body. She’d picked it out because she said it smelled like Nana’s kitchen.

  Nana was what she called Liz’s mom. With my own mother being deceased and Tyler’s mom being as worthless as he was, Nana May was the grandma my little girl longed for, and May Berfield was more than happy to accept the position.

  “You smell yummy,” I told her as I rinsed the suds from her back.

  A knocking filled the apartment, and Tori and I turned to look behind me. The bathroom was at the end of the hallway with the front door in clear view. But unfortunately there was no way of knowing who was on the other side from this distance.

  “Who here?” Tori asked.

  “I don’t know, but we should get you out and go see.” She tried standing, and I reached out and lifted her before she slipped. The rubber mat on the bottom of the tub never fully took away my fear of her falling, and I was still extremely cautious of the possibility. After toweling her off quickly, I wrapped her tight in the towel and walked toward the front door just as another knock sounded.

  As I peeked through the side window, the only thing I could she was a shoulder and an arm. A tattooed and muscled arm. There was no way I was going to open the door to some strange man. When a third knock came, I jumped in surprise. Okay, my nerves were now on high alert.

  “Mommy,” Tori squealed as she wiggled out of my arms.

  “Shh,” I whispered, holding my finger to my lips. She wrinkled her tiny nose in what I assumed was her “what is wrong with you?” face.

  “Nicole, I know you’re in there.” A deep, raspy voice I thought I’d never hear again filled the silence. I sagged against the wall and covered my face with my hands.

  No fucking way. I had to be imagining things.

  “I’ll camp out on your porch until you leave if I need to. You can’t stay hidden behind this door forever.” Ryker’s voice once again sent chills through my body.

  I let go of my face and bent down to lift Tori back up into my arms. If Ryker was anything like he once was, he sure as hell wasn’t lying. He wouldn’t leave until he got what he came for. I just wasn’t sure what that could be.

  Taking in one last, deep breath, I slid the chain form the lock and twisted the second lock on the handle. My hand trembled as I turned the knob and kept my eyes averted.

  The first thing that came into view was a pair of black boots with laces halfway up his shins. A pair of jeans covered strong, muscular legs, leaving little to the imagination. But I knew what was beneath those jeans, only now you could tell he had gone up a few pants sizes as he was no longer that lean man I once knew. He was still fit and toned from what I could tell, and he had definitely gained some muscle mass since he left all those years ago. His red shirt looked more like a second skin as it stretched across his broad chest and shoulders. I stopped there. I wasn’t sure I could handle much more.

  “Look at me.” His rugged voice made me jump in surprise. His husky tone ran over my body, leaving behind little tingles of excitement. Ryker had always had that power over me. He was hard to resist, but that was before he’d hurt me. Biting down hard on the inside of my cheek, I set my jaw and squared my shoulders as I lifted my gaze to meet his. “After all these years, you’re still as beautiful as you always were.”

  I fought against every part of me that wanted to smile. I had to hold myself together. I wouldn’t let him get to me.

  When his eyes shifted toward Tori, I felt guilty. Even though I didn’t have a reason to feel that way—after all, Ryker had left me, not the other way around. But part of me wondered what he could be thinking when he looked at her. Did he feel betrayed even though he’d been so far away and had chosen the path he had? Or was he regretting his choices?

  “She’s gorgeous, Nic.” He smiled at Tori as she looked up at him in awe. “She looks just like you.”

  “Thank God for that.” It was out of my mouth before I could stop it. I had spent years hating Tyler, so I took the chance at a dig since it wasn’t something Tori could pick up on. Even though her father was a worthless sack of shit and she barely knew him, I refused to disparage him in front of her. It just wasn’t fair to her.

  Ryker smiled at my comment, and that smile still did things to me. I looked away before I did or said something stupid.

  “Can I come in?” he asked, and my stomach felt as if it had dropped to my feet. Having him inside my apartment wasn’t what I needed or wanted at this point.

  “What are you doing here, Ryker?” I asked as I shifted Tori on my hip.

  “I came back to make up for walking out on you. I never should have left. It was a mistake.”

  I stared back at him, wondering what the hell I’d done to deserve this mess. It felt like a damn dream, and I really just wanted to wake up.

  “A mistake?” I shook my head, trying to hold it together. Tori was growing antsy, and I allowed her to slide down my body until her little feet touched the floor. She walked over to the other side of the living room and began playing with her kitchen. When I knew she was far enough away she wouldn’t hear, I turned back to Ryker and took a step toward him. “You made a lot a promises you didn’t keep. Hell, you lied to me the day you got on that bus. You know it and I know it.” I pushed his chest, but he didn’t move. Instead he covered my hand with his. The warmth of his hand almost made me forget what I had to be angry about.

  “Just let me explain,” he said, and I shook my head.

  “No. You can’t do that. You can’t just show up after leaving me and expect me to shut up and listen. You lied to me, and then you just disappeared. You think you can just pop back into my life and everything will pick back up where it left off? Life doesn’t work that way. The time for explanations has passed. Now move your foot.” When he smirked, I narrowed my eyes. “I mean it, Ryker. You have two seconds to get your ass off my porch, or I’ll call Bert down at the station.”

  “I just saw Bert. He invited me over for Melba’s famous dumplings.” Ryker knew everyone in this town just as well as I did. He also knew Bert wouldn’t arrest him. His cocky, triumphant smile only infuriated me more.

  “Move,” I said, not amused by his resistance.

  When he leaned forward and brought his face within inches of mine, my breath hitched. “Fine, I’ll go. But just so you know, I’m not leaving. I’m gonna make this right with you. Whatever it takes, I’ll do it. I’m here for good.”

  “I’ve heard that line before. And this time I’m not falling for it,” I said.

  “It never was just a line between you and me. Everything I have ever said to you, I meant.” I closed my eyes when his lips pressed
against my jaw. “Whatever you choose to believe, just know I never once stopped loving you.”

  I felt the distance between us the moment he stepped back and began to walk away. My body craved his touch once again, yet my heart couldn’t take it. I could feel myself falling, and my weakness when it came to Ryker pissed me off to no end.

  There were so many times I had wished for his return. So many times I dreamed of how it would feel to be in his arms again. But seeing him only made all the hurt from the past come rushing back like a tidal wave. The life we could have had together flashed before me, yet he’d let it all go. And now he was back like the last five years hadn’t happened.

  I sat outside Nicole’s apartment for close to half an hour, trying to find a way to convince her to talk to me. I know the way I’d handled things five years ago was wrong. But at the time I felt like I was doing the right thing by her.

  Now I knew it was the worst choice I had ever made.

  After driving through Arab, remembering the streets and places that held memories of Nicole and me, I found myself parked outside Lucy’s. I may have been setting myself up for more punishment, but it was worth the risk. I would take all the shit I had to if in the end I was one step closer to having Nicole back in my life. I pulled the keys from the ignition of my old truck and crawled out. After taking a moment to calm my racing heart, I shut the door and walked toward the entrance. I knew Alan would be here. He always spent his days getting things ready for the evening rush.

  Entering the bar, I was amazed at how little it had changed. I was also amazed at how many people started drinking around midday. At least ten people were sitting around with a tall beer in their hands as they enjoyed highlights from last night’s sports on the TVs.

  Heads turned in my direction as the door shut behind me with a loud bang. But my stare was locked with the eyes of the guy behind the bar.

  Allan Russell had always been a kind, loving man, but from the look on his face, I wasn’t sure he was still that same man. He narrowed his eyes and stopped polishing the glass in his hand as I walked toward him, holding his gaze.

  “Allan,” I said as I stepped up to the bar that separated us.

  I held out my hand, and he just looked down at it before looking back up at me once more. Just when I thought coming here was a mistake, he shook my hand. “It’s good to see you, son,” he said as a smile tugged at his lips.

  “I wish your daughter felt the same way,” I said with a chuckle as I took a seat at the bar. I rested my elbows there and looked around the room. A few familiar faces offered a nod and a smile.

  “You seen Nicole?” he asked.

  “Yeah,” I said as I turned back to face him. “I stopped by her place. My parents sorta kept tabs on her for me, so it wasn’t hard to find it.”

  “Well,” he said as he grabbed the towel and began drying glasses once more. “I’m surprised you made it out alive.”

  “Yeah, me too.” My tension was slowly fading now. “I know I messed up. If there had been another way, I would have taken it. But I asked her to come with, and she said she couldn’t leave.”

  Allan stopped drying cups and tossed the towel over his shoulder as he leaned a hip against the bar.

  “I knew she’d say no, but I still had to ask. And I was fooling myself thinking we could have a relationship being so far apart. I mean, hell, what girl wants to be with a guy that’s living thousands of miles across the world?” I paused as I picked at the edge of the bar. “I couldn’t hold her back. It just didn’t feel right.”

  “I listened to my daughter cry herself to sleep for weeks after you left,” Allan said, and it felt like he’d kicked me in the stomach. “Then I watched her fall apart when you stopped calling. We fought, and, Ryker, you know we never fight.”

  I swallowed past the lump in my throat as I nodded in agreement. I had never in my life met a father and daughter that had the kind of relationship Allan and Nicole did. They were so much alike they were like two best friends rather than a parent and child.

  “I tried to help her through it all, but nothing worked. So I sat back and watched her fall apart a little more each day.” He cleared his throat as he pushed off the counter and began drying glasses once more. “If I’d known she was hanging around with that loser Tyler, I would have stopped it.”

  Thinking of Tyler being around Nicole made my blood boil. He and I had never gotten along. I can even remember beating his ass on more than one occasion.

  “When she told me she was pregnant, she didn’t have that look of happiness a woman gets when they share that news. She looked devastated. It was real rough patch, and without Liz, I’m not sure how we would have gotten through it.” The tormented look on Allan’s face only made the ache in my chest that much harder to bear.

  “But the moment she saw Victoria for the first time, it was like everything shifted into place. That sweet little girl brought back my Nicole.” Allan’s eyes appeared glossy as he looked down at his hands as they continued to dry the same glass over and over. “I know it’s been hard for her, but that girl’s strength inspires me. She’s just like her momma, and Tori’s her world. Despite the shitty father she was stuck with, there is not a day goes by that my granddaughter doesn’t make our days brighter.”

  “She’s beautiful,” I said, and he looked up at me, nodding in agreement with a proud smile.

  “I’m rooting for ya, Ryker, but you have to know it isn’t gonna be an easy road. You hurt her, even though your intentions were good.”

  It was my turn to nod. I couldn’t say anything more because I’d heard more than once now how rough my leaving was on Nicole.

  “I can’t help ya, because right or wrong, I’m in Nicole’s corner. But that doesn’t mean I’m not quietly praying for her to give you another shot. I never met a man I thought was good enough for Nic until I met you.”

  Like I said, Allan Russell was a good man.

  “What the hell do you mean Ryker is back in town?” Liz screeched through the phone. I held it away from my ear as she rambled on about beating his ass and a dozen other ways to torture him.

  Once she had calmed down long enough for me to intervene, I put the phone back to my ear. “He didn’t reenlist. At least that’s what Bert said he told him. So he’s back for good.” I tucked the phone between my shoulder and ear as I lifted the basket of clothes from the floor.

  “And he just showed up on your doorstep this mornin’ like nothing ever happened?” she said, a little less high-pitched this time.

  “I wouldn’t say like nothing ever happened.” I paused in the hallway, remembering his face when I finally looked up at him. “He was nervous. He still does that sexy squint when he’s unsure of something.”

  “And?” she pressed.

  I looked over at Tori, who sat on the floor in my father’s living room, eating Cheerios and watching Dora the Explorer. “And nothing,” I replied. “He’s back, and my life continues to move forward the way it has for the last five years.”

  “I call bullshit,” she said with a laugh.

  “Excuse me?” I repositioned the basket.

  “We’re talking about Ryker, Nic. The guy you fell in love with years ago and never have stopped loving. Regardless of all the shit, he’s still the one. You can’t pull the blinders over my eyes, sweetheart. You forget I know all your dirty little secrets.”

  It was pointless to argue with her; she was right. During all these years she’d been the one to hear my biggest fears and deepest regrets. She knew me better than I knew myself, it seemed.

  “So what time should I be at your place tonight?” she asked, breaking me out of my haze.

  “Um, about tonight.” I smiled, knowing she was going to be more than happy to fulfill my request. “I actually don’t need you to watch Tori. I need you at the bar.”

  “And why, might I ask?” I could hear the smile in her voice.

  “In case I need a buffer. Something tells me Ryker may show up.” The thought of
him being at the bar made my stomach tense.

  “I get free drinks, right?” she asked in a hopeful voice.

  “Yeah, you get free drinks.”

  My dad was happy when I called him an hour ago to ask if he could keep Victoria tonight. He told me he was gonna feed her full of junk food and teach her how to spit. I hoped not in that order. When I mentioned Ryker he didn’t sound surprised. Which made me believe my father and I needed to have a little talk later.

  It was a quarter after eight, and my nerves were on high alert. I had been watching the door all night. Every time someone came in, I felt a pang of disappointment that it wasn’t him, followed by relief that maybe I’d be able to hold my shit together for one more night.

  Just before nine the crowd got a little thicker, and Greg looked like he could use some help behind the bar. Rachel was too busy shaking her tits in the face of any man who showed interest, and I knew she was hopeless. If she hadn’t been one of my momma’s best friends growing up, I would have convinced my father to fire her by now.

  I was so engrossed in the drink orders that I nearly dropped a bottle of beer when my best friend drunkenly screeched, “Well, look who decided to grace us all with his presence.”

  I looked up to see Ryker approaching the bar, and my throat tightened. If I thought he looked good earlier, that had nothing on his appearance tonight. Jeans that seems to mold to his lower half showed off his narrow waist and thick thighs. And I was ashamed that the way his Henley showed off his chest affected me the way it did. Suddenly the room felt warmer and a whole lot smaller.

  I noticed I was staring when my gaze reached his and he grinned knowingly. That and the fact the cup I’d been filling from the tap was now overflowing with beer that was pooling on the floor at my feet.

  “Shit,” I mumbled as I grabbed a towel and started cleaning up the mess I’d made.

  “Hold it together,” Elle, Liz’s sister and our part-time waitress, whispered as she walked past me, trying to remain discreet.

  If only being in Ryker’s presence didn’t make my body hum the way it did, her suggestion may have been possible. As he continued to move toward the bar, I chose to busy myself once again with customers. But the moment he sat on the barstool next to Liz, my suggestion that she be my buffer came back to haunt me. What the hell was I thinking when I asked her to do that? As if there was anyone out there that could possibly keep my mind off the man my heart still belonged too.