Girl (In Real Life)

by Tamsin Winter

  “Sure,” Hallie said, but I could tell she was disappointed. She knew an assembly was exactly the type of thing I would probably mess up. “I can help you write the introduction if you want. I mean, I kind of already wrote something last night.”

  “Thanks,” I said.

  “Yes, thank you, Hallie,” Miss Wilson said. “That’s settled then. I’ll have a look through your reports, and we’ll have a practice on Friday lunchtime.”

  “Oh,” I said. “I have Languages Club on Friday.”

  “Me too,” said Rami. “Madame Chapelle doesn’t let us skip it.”

  Miss Wilson sighed. “Well, that’s the only time the hall’s free. We’ll just have to practise without you. But I’m counting on you to learn your lines off by heart!”

  I’m not sure if I mentioned this already, but Miss Wilson could be kind of unreasonable.

  The next day, she handed my report back to me with one comment on it: Too short – tell me what you learned! Something to hold the audience’s attention! So, that night, I googled digital detox and wrote down a bunch of stuff about feeling calmer, physically healthier and getting to sleep earlier. I didn’t notice any of those things actually happening to me on Sunday, but I realized ages ago that life is a lot easier when you just tell people what they want to hear.

  After I’d finished, I went downstairs to show Dad. I heard one of the songs we did the workout video to coming from the office. I mean, “Super Freak” is a pretty distinctive song. Plus, if you’ve seen your parents doing butt clenches, it’s not something you’re ever likely to forget. I took a pear from the fruit bowl and wandered over to the office door. It was only open a fraction, so I couldn’t see the computer screen very well.

  “Yeah, that bit. Cut it there,” Mum said, and Dad clicked the mouse a few times. What were they doing? Carys’s mum had said they couldn’t upload the workout video. I moved a bit closer, trying not to drip pear juice on the floorboards. And there we were on the screen, mid-squat. One of my leg warmers had fallen down and my face was glistening with sweat. I tried to push the door open a tiny bit more, but I overbalanced and it swung all the way open.

  Mum turned around. “Oh, hey, sweetie. You okay?”

  I tried to look casual, which isn’t easy when you’ve been caught spying. “I’ve finished my homework,” I said, “for the assembly.”

  “Great!” Mum said. “Such a shame we can’t come and watch.” She pulled my hair out from behind my ears. “But I’m glad Miss Wilson finally listened to my advice! I told her she ought to make more of you in these things.”

  Great, I thought. So it was Mum’s fault I had to do it.

  “Want to see the 80s workout video? It turned out so good!” She nudged Dad. “Play that running man bit again. Oh my God, Eva! You are going to die when you see this.”

  “I already got to see it live, remember. Anyway, I thought Carys’s mum didn’t want her on the channel.”

  “Oh, don’t worry about that,” Mum said. “We’ve sorted it.”

  “Super Freak” started playing and there we were doing synchronized butt clenches. They’d put an emoji over Carys’s face.

  “You’re going to post it like that?” I said.

  “I know,” Mum said. “It’s not ideal.”

  “I meant with me. In that catsuit! It’s so embarrassing!”

  “Not this again, Eva,” Mum said. “It’s supposed to be embarrassing! It’s funny.”

  “I’ll add some stickers,” Dad said. “It will look good, Eva. Don’t worry so much.”

  I stood watching them for a while in silence. Because what was the point in even trying to get them to listen? The edges of my pear had gone brown, so I dropped it in the bin on my way back upstairs. Anyway, I didn’t feel hungry. Knowing a video of me wearing a skintight shiny catsuit was about to be posted to the entire world kind of ruined my appetite.

  I got ready for bed and lay under my duvet looking up at the fairy lights for a while, trying to think what I could do. Deleting their content had done literally nothing. Posting that shark video had only lost them a few thousand followers. And they were still posting embarrassing stuff. I’d been trapped inside All About Eva my whole life. And no one could hear me shouting for help. So, I really didn’t have much choice. I had to do something big to make them stop.

  And things got a lot worse after that.

  The next morning Spud jogged into my house singing “Super Freak” with his tie around his head.

  “See?” Mum said. “Spud thinks it’s funny!”

  I gave her a look. “Spud thought it was funny to bring a frog to school in his lunchbox.”

  Spud laughed. “Now that was funny! What you got for lunch?” He did an exaggerated squat to try to reach my lunch bag. I swung it at his head, but he ducked. “First rule of ju-jitsu, Eva. Always be prepared for attack.”

  As we walked up the hill, I swiped my phone to check how many people had viewed the workout video. “Over eighteen thousand already.” I groaned.

  “Don’t worry about it!” Spud said.

  “You wouldn’t be laughing if it was a video of you wearing a shiny catsuit.” Spud grinned. “Actually, forget I said that.” I sighed. “I wish it was half-term already. Then I’d be at Farmor’s and could pretend none of this was happening.”

  “Mum said I can maybe get some hydrofluoric acid at half-term,” Spud said. “To replicate Mr Jacobs’s light bulb experiment, but on a much larger scale! It can corrode human flesh down to the bone.”

  “It’s reassuring to know I’ll be in a different country,” I said. “If you could drop the All About Eva channel in that acid stuff too, that would be great.”

  Hallie had said she’d help me write the assembly introduction. So, for the first time, me, Hallie, Gabi and Carys all sat together in the canteen at lunch. It wasn’t that awkward, mainly because Gabi never stopped talking.

  “…then I do a tuck jump half turn, then split leap and finish on a front walkover.” She held up her arms like she’d just completed an Olympic gold medal routine, narrowly missing hitting a Year Seven in the face.

  “Sounds great,” I said, trying my best not to sound sarcastic because Hallie was listening.

  “Shame you don’t do gymnastics any more, Eva,” Gabi said. “Especially considering your workout skills.” Then she sang, “Super Freak! Super Freak!” I smiled at her for less than half a second.

  “So, the competition’s on Saturday?” Carys said, who was a lot better at being nice to Gabi than I was.

  “Yep,” Gabi said. “Hallie’s routine is amazing!”

  “Thanks,” Hallie said. “But I still need to perfect my back handspring. I’m not landing it properly.”

  Gabi started gushing about how good Hallie’s landings were, so I pushed my phone across the table to change the subject.

  “What do you think of this intro? I’m not even sure what Miss Wilson expects me to say.”

  “It’s good,” Hallie said, scrolling through my notes. “Only, you could try opening with something more dramatic?” I smiled as she started typing onto my phone. “And make sure you say that last bit without sounding sarcastic.” We smiled at each other, and for a minute things felt like they used to.

  After we’d finished eating, Hallie asked if we wanted to watch her gymnastics routine, so we sat on the floor at the edge of the sports hall while she got changed. Gabi turned to Carys and said, “So, is it true you hacked St Aug’s website?” She just blurted it out like that. No warning or anything.

  Carys smiled. “Don’t believe everything you hear about me, okay?”

  Gabi shrugged and that would have been the end of it if I hadn’t said something stupid.

  “It’s none of your business anyway, Gabi,” I said, picking at a dried bit of mud on my shoe.

  “It is my business if Carys is hanging around with my friend,” Gabi said, ignoring Carys and pointing her dead eyes straight at me.

  “I’m not your friend,” I said, dusting
off my hands.

  “I know,” Gabi sneered. “I meant Hallie.”

  “Well, thanks, Gabi,” Carys said, standing up. “It’s so nice getting to know you.”

  Just then, Hallie’s routine music started. “Priceless” by Melanie Fiona. I smiled. We’d listened to so many tracks last summer as she’d tried to find the right song for her routine. “It’s got to be an artist with Guyanese roots like me,” she’d said. “But nobody in my dad’s record collection, and the beat needs to be like…” And she’d drummed her hands on her knees. When “Priceless” played, she’d squeezed my shoulders and said, “This is the one!” We’d listened to it on repeat and practised cartwheels and handstands in her garden all afternoon. Her dad had brought us fiery ginger beers and Hallie laughed when the spice tingled my nose and made me sneeze non-stop.

  We watched as Hallie ended her routine with a back handspring and stretched her arms up to finish. Our applause echoed around the sports hall. Hallie did an over-exaggerated curtsy, then ran over to us.

  “So, what do you think?” she asked. “Good enough to finish top three?”

  “Definitely,” I said, as Gabi jumped up.

  “Can we ask Mrs Marshall if she’ll get the vault out? I wouldn’t mind doing some practice actually.” I could tell Gabi was lying to get Hallie on her own.

  “Okay,” Hallie said, reading the awkwardness on our faces.

  “Your routine is so good, Hals,” I said.

  “Yeah,” Carys said. “It’s amazing.”

  “Thanks,” Hallie said, then Gabi mouthed something to her. “Well, see you later, okay.” And they jogged over to Mrs Marshall, who was collecting up the mats. I stood for a moment watching them, but they didn’t look back over, so I followed Carys outside.

  Hallie didn’t speak to me much the rest of that week. She said she was busy practising for the competition, but she’d posted a video of her and Gabi at the Creep Cabin. They were sharing a double chocolate crêpe and laughing over this dumb dance move Gabi kept doing. They hadn’t even invited me. Jealousy snagged at my heart. I didn’t want to see any more, but videos kept popping up of them having “the best time”. And with each one I felt worse. Eventually, I clicked on their profiles and tapped mute. I’d unmute them later. But at least for now, I wouldn’t have to look.

  On Friday lunchtime, I headed to Languages Club with Rami. Some Year Elevens walked past us in the corridor. “Clench those buns!” one of them shouted. Another called out, “Streeeeeeeeetch!” so loud it echoed all the way down the corridor. As we got to the classroom I heard, “Tell your mum I think she’s hot!”

  Rami looked at me. “You okay?”

  “Yeah, no big deal,” I said and pushed the door open.

  “Exactly, who cares!” Rami said. “It’s not like we haven’t seen you do millions of embarrassing things before.”

  And suddenly, I felt like I was about to explode. I turned around and shouted down the corridor, “MY MUM IS FORTY-SEVEN YEARS OLD!”

  I took a deep breath. Shouting at them like that actually made me feel a lot better. Until I realized the whole of Languages Club was staring at me.

  That night, I waited until I was certain my parents were asleep, then I crept downstairs. I pushed a chair up against the office door – I’d watched enough episodes of Justice Force to know it’s better to be overly cautious. I tapped the mouse and watched the computer screen light up, then softly typed in the password. The screen froze for a second, and my heart stopped. Did they change this password too? But then the desktop appeared and I could breathe again. I clicked on Security and found their new channel password. I noted it down and silently logged on to All About Eva. This time, I knew exactly what I wanted to do. This time, I wanted it to hurt.

  Once I’d started deleting videos, I couldn’t stop. I started with the ones from years ago, before we even moved to this house. My first words. My first steps. My first haircut. Everything Mum meant by the “enormous bank of amazing memories that we get to keep and share” that she’d talked about on TV. Well, by the time I’d finished, it wouldn’t be so enormous.

  The Andersens go to Disneyland!!!

  Eva’s first time in Denmark!!!

  Trip to A&E

  Christmas shopping!!!

  Did Eva just say Mummy??!!

  All deleted. They didn’t even feel like memories to me. It was like on Star Fox, this video game I used to play with Spud where you have to shoot down your enemies. You just keep pressing fire until you run out of ammo. I don’t know how many of the old videos I watched on mute that night. Or exactly when I started crying. But after a while the screen looked all blurry. And the desk had tear splashes on it.

  The next morning, I heard, “Lars! Something’s happened again!” A pool of dread collected in my stomach. They barely noticed me eating my cereal at the kitchen table. They were in the office listening to Ash, their IT consultant, who was on loudspeaker.

  It reminded me of this time Mum and Dad were having an important meeting with Ash downstairs. I was only nine, so I wasn’t invited. I wasn’t even allowed in the snug to watch TV. The entire house stank of coffee because they’d had the machine on for ages. They said they’d only be an hour, but they’d been almost two and I was starving. I peered through the bannisters, wondering if I could get a snack without them noticing.

  “To be honest with you, I think your content’s okay,” I had heard Ash say. “It’s just…how can I put this?” He tapped his password into his phone quicker than I’d ever seen anyone do it. “The problem is, you need a new angle. You see, Eva’s nine now, right? She’s reached that age where she’s just not cute any more.”

  It was like being whacked in the face with an oar. I didn’t feel so hungry after that. I went back to my room, lay on my bed and listened to the muffled voices discussing new angles for the channel. And the whole time tears were falling silently down my face. They sank into the pillow, along with the realization that I was the reason they’d been losing subscribers. People didn’t like me any more.

  Sitting in the kitchen, I stirred my cereal then heard Dad say, “You mean, someone’s guessed our password?” I dropped my spoon and it clattered into my bowl.

  “Eva?” Mum said, opening the office door. “Morning, sweetie. We’re having a bit of a crisis with the channel.” She took a deep breath, then burst into tears. I didn’t know what to do. I mean, I’d seen her crying before, loads of times. But not when it had definitely been my fault.

  “Are you okay?” It was probably the dumbest thing to say in that situation, but it was the only thing I could think of.

  “Ash thinks someone’s hacking our channel,” she said. “They’ve deleted videos from when you were a baby! I mean, who would do that? To a baby?”

  I swallowed, my heart beating ten times faster than normal. I hoped Mum wouldn’t notice.

  She pulled a tissue out of her pocket and blew her nose. “Lars is seeing if we have the files backed up. But still, it will take days, maybe weeks to get everything back the way it was. Ash says the hard drives could have failed by now. These things don’t store very well apparently. So, we might have lost all your baby videos.” She sniffed and caught a tear running down her cheek in the tissue.

  It felt a lot better at the time, when I was actually deleting the videos. But now, seeing Mum upset, my heart felt kind of grey. “Oh,” I said and I could feel bits of granola stuck in my throat, like guilt.

  Spud insisted on listening to my assembly introduction as we walked up the hill on Monday. I was supposed to learn it off by heart over the weekend, but let’s just say that never happened.

  “You think Miss Wilson will let me use my notes?”

  “Er, those ones?” Spud looked at the creased bits of paper in my hands. “That would be a negative.”

  My heart sank. “I can’t do it without my notes! And there’s no time to write it out again before assembly starts.”

  “Here,” Spud said, tugging the notes out of my hands
. “If I run all the way, I’ll have time to type and print them out before the assembly.”

  “Thank you, Spud!” I called after him as he raced up the hill. “You’re AMAZING!” And all of Nerdophobia turned round and stared at me.

  As I got to school, I noticed Hallie’s mum in the car park.

  “That’s weird,” I said. “What’s Hallie’s mum doing here?”

  Carys looked over. “Maybe Hallie forgot her PE kit or something.”

  “Hallie? Forget something?” I said. “No way.”

  Miss Wilson had told us to go straight to the assembly hall, and by the time we got there most of our class had already arrived. The rows of chairs facing the stage seemed to go on for miles.

  “Eva!” Miss Wilson said as she saw me come in. “Thank goodness! We don’t have much time. You’ll be standing here at the front.” She beckoned me onto the stage. I took a deep breath and walked up the stairs to the spot she was pointing to. I watched the door at the side of the hall, willing Spud to come through it. But it was Gabi. She held the door open for Hallie, who was on crutches. She had a blue cast on her ankle.

  “Oh my God,” I said, forgetting about staying on the spot Miss Wilson had marked. I ran down the steps and looked at the cast on her ankle. “What happened?”

  Hallie gave me a look like she was about to cry, but also like she wanted to push me over with her crutches. “You didn’t see my post? About the competition?”

  “I-I…” I said. But she didn’t let me finish.

  “Didn’t think so. Come on, Gabi.”

  “Some friend you are,” Gabi whispered and barged past me. She helped Hallie into a seat facing the audience, and I felt like the worst person ever. How could I have forgotten about her competition? How could I have missed her post? I felt all the warmth drain out of my body. I’d forgotten to unmute them. Then the bell went and people started pouring in.

  “Here!” Spud said, handing me a neat stack of paper. “Took ages to log on!”

  “Thanks.” I looked over at Hallie. A group of girls from our class surrounded her. She’d been training for the competition for months. Now she was hurt and I had no idea what had happened. This horrible feeling swept into my stomach, like cold soup. Gabi was right. I was a bad friend. The worst.