Girl (In Real Life)

by Tamsin Winter

  “It’s fine,” I said. “I want to see my friends.” It’s weird how trying to act innocent makes even the truth feel like a lie.

  “Course you do, sweetie,” Mum said. “We’ve warned Miss Wilson about all this stuff in the media, so if anyone says anything, let her know, okay.”

  “Sure,” I said, leaving my juice and heading out the door.

  “Text me at lunchtime, okay?”

  “Okay!” I called as the door closed, then straight away I phoned Carys. She hadn’t replied to my last three messages. It rang for ages. No answer.

  I waited on the corner for Carys, with Spud stuck to my side like glue.

  “I’m not leaving you on your own today,” he said when I protested. We waited for a few more minutes, but Carys didn’t show up. I walked into school with Spud, and a weird feeling in my stomach. Why wasn’t Carys here?

  “So,” Spud said as we joined the line in the canteen at breaktime. “What do you think?”

  “About what?”

  “My whole theory behind the game.”

  “What game?” I said, scanning the tables to see if Carys had maybe come in late.

  “Did you listen to any of what I just said?”

  “Sorry, Spud,” I said. “I’ve kind of got a lot on my mind.”

  “I know. Farmor was a legend,” he said. “Or do you mean the All About Eva stuff?”

  “Does everyone know about that?” I said, grabbing a biscuit.

  “Not everyone,” Spud said. “Miss Wilson told us you were coming back today and if we mention the stuff in the news, we’re in big trouble.”

  “Great,” I said.

  “Anyway,” Spud said, tossing a torn-off piece of croissant into his mouth, “I forgot to tell you, we aced the science experiment. And if anyone upsets you today, they’re getting ju-jitsu-ed.”

  “Thanks, Spud,” I said. And it was the first time I’d smiled in ages.

  “Does he have to sit with us?” Gabi muttered as me and Spud sat down. Hallie nudged her. “I mean, hi, Spud! Blown up any sheep’s lungs recently?”

  Spud grinned. “It’s funny you should say that, Gabi, because I did look after Eva’s cat while she was away and…” I glared at him. “I better save that for another time.”

  After lunch, I tried phoning Carys again, but it went straight to voicemail. Maybe she’s run out of battery, I told myself. But she had like a million chargers.

  In English, Miss West made us write an essay with the title Would we all be happier in a world without the internet? I chewed the end of my pen, and coloured in the gaps in the title.

  Miss West must have noticed I wasn’t doing anything, because she said, “Just write the first thing that comes to mind, Eva. Your thoughts, that’s all.” And she smiled at me. It was weird. She was acting almost human.

  Farmor always used to say the world was better before computers. Not that she’d know because she didn’t even have one. She used Dad’s laptop to type an email to her friend in New Zealand once, then said how silly it was and took out some writing paper instead.

  I don’t think my grandmother ever went on the internet, I wrote. She kept her phone switched off most of the time. And she never looked stuff up on Google. So, I don’t know how she knew so much. She always used to say this thing

  I stopped for a minute, trying my best to remember it. Hvor skønt det er at ikke gøre noget, I wrote, not totally sure if it was right. But if I used my phone to check, Miss West would confiscate it.

  It means: it’s beautiful to do nothing. Being at her cottage was like that. We’ d play wooden board games and she’ d cook recipes from her memory, and there were always pressed flowers inside her books. It was annoying sometimes, because I couldn’t message my friends or find out anything that was happening. But it was nice too. Like her cottage was a completely different world. A world where you could just be yourself. And not have an audience. I guess that’s what the olden days felt like. When you had one life, not two.

  “Spud, was Carys in school last week?” I asked him on the way home.

  “I think so,” he said, karate-chopping a low-hanging branch. “Yes, she was in on Friday because Mr Scott made her partner me in German.”

  I tapped my phone to call her, but it went to voicemail again. Her profiles had disappeared too. It was like she’d vanished.

  I told Spud I’d see him later and took a shortcut through the alleyway that came out at the bottom of Lavender Lane. I had to walk through a field and go over a stile, and there was a massive puddle I had to jump over. But it was quicker than going the road way. Then, just as I turned the corner, I saw it. A police car. Parked in Carys’s drive. And it felt like my blood had frozen solid.

  As soon as I saw the police car, I ran. Not towards Carys’s house, away from it. I don’t exactly feel proud of myself for that. I headed back up the lane as fast as I could in my school shoes, and I was completely out of breath by the time I reached my street. Only, when I got to the bottom of my drive, there was a police car outside my house too.

  I froze. I guess that’s how bank robbers feel when they’re surrounded. My heart was thumping so fast, I wasn’t even sure I could get my feet to move. But then, Mum spotted me out of the window and waved at me to come in. I couldn’t tell if she looked angry or not. I slowly walked past the police car. My hand was trembling as I opened the front door.

  “There you are!” Mum said. A police officer with a thick, grey moustache was sitting on the sofa. There were cups of tea and a plate of kanelsnegl on the coffee table, the Danish version of cinnamon swirls. Dad must have made them specially. I tried to relax a little bit. If he’d known I was responsible for the hacking, there was no way he’d have made pastries, was there? I took a deep breath and smiled at the police officer without looking him directly in the eyes.

  Mum put her teacup down on the saucer. It was the tea set they usually used when Farmor was here. A flicker of pain went through my heart at the memory. “Eva, this is Sergeant Edwards,” she said. “He’s from the Cyber Crimes Unit.”

  I don’t know where I expected Sergeant Edwards to be from, but not there. That sounded serious. A lot more serious than cups of tea and kanelsnegl.

  “Hi,” I said, hovering by the front door.

  “He’s been investigating the attacks on our channel,” Dad said.

  The word “attacks” rang in my head like a gunshot. There were crumbs from the kanelsnegl on the floorboards and Sergeant Edwards hadn’t taken off his shoes.

  “This is going to come as a shock, Eva,” Mum said. “Sergeant Edwards has been able to trace the breaches to our channel, even though the hacker was…what’s it called, Sergeant?”

  “Ghosting.” Sergeant Edwards said, clearing his throat. Hearing that word “ghosting” felt like being hit in the face with a hockey stick. I flinched. “Most of the time they used a VPN. But they uploaded one of the videos without it, so it wasn’t too difficult to trace them.” I thought back to when I uploaded the video we’d made at Carys’s house. Did I forget to use the VPN? Was it me?

  Sergeant Edwards leaned back against the sofa and sipped his tea. “Oh, they always make mistakes, Mr and Mrs Andersen. And when they do, we catch them.”

  I tried to listen to what he was saying, but it felt like the words didn’t quite reach me. Like they all just drifted past.

  “This isn’t nice for me to say,” Dad said, shifting around in his seat, “but it’s someone we know. One of your friends actually, Carys Belfield.”

  “No!” I shouted.

  “I know. We’re shocked too,” Mum said. “She must have accessed the computer when she stayed here that time and found our passwords. Sergeant Edwards thinks she might have even made friends with you deliberately.”

  “No…that’s not true,” I said. But no other words would come out.

  “I know, it must be very difficult to hear,” Sergeant Edwards said, looking at me. Possibly wondering why I was still standing by the front door. “But Miss
Belfield has admitted it. She said she was working alone. No one else involved, apparently. So that’s something.”

  It was like the entire room was collapsing around me. Carys had said she’d done it by herself? She didn’t tell them it was all my idea? And why wasn’t I telling them the truth? I could feel the words, right there in my throat. But I couldn’t get them to come out.

  “So, what happens now, Sergeant?” Dad asked. Only Sergeant Edwards had just put a whole kanelsnegl in his mouth so we all had to wait until he swallowed.

  “We have limited options because of Carys’s age,” he said. “But as I was saying, her actions have contributed to your loss of business, it’s damaged your brand, et cetera, so we certainly can’t let her get away with it.”

  “Can you believe it, Eva?” Mum said, handing Sergeant Edwards another kanelsnegl. “That shark video, deleting your baby videos, the reel of clips making it look like you hate the channel. It was all Carys!”

  “It’s like I said when you first contacted me weeks ago, Mrs Andersen,” Sergeant Edwards said. “It only takes one mistake for them to reveal themselves. My team is one of the best in the country.”

  I leaned against the wall to stop myself falling down. It felt like when I used to play chess against Farmor. I’d think I was moving to a square that was totally safe. Only I didn’t spot her bishop in the corner, casting its long, diagonal shadow over my queen. The moves I thought had been clever were actually all mistakes. And it was only a matter of time before she said skakmat. Checkmate.

  Sergeant Edwards said Carys would get a formal warning. She had to go to the police station with her parents. They’d have to sign some kind of form that wasn’t a criminal record, but would stay on their special computer system.

  “A prank gone too far,” Sergeant Edwards said, wiping kanelsnegl crumbs from his moustache. There were newspapers out in front of him on the coffee table. I glimpsed a headline that said, The Truth About All About Eva and another one, Meet the Andersens: The Vloggers Exploiting Their Daughter for Fame. I’d gone so cold I couldn’t feel my feet.

  “Eva?” Mum got up and came over to me. “You’re in shock.” She rubbed my arms like she was drying me after a bath. “Lars, grab Eva a Coke or something.” I felt her kiss my head. “It’s all right, sweetie.”

  “It’s crazy Carys even knows how to do this kind of thing at her age!” Dad said.

  “Oh, you’d be surprised, Mr Andersen,” Sergeant Edwards said. “They can teach themselves all sorts these days. But we try to stay one step ahead.”

  Dad handed me a can of fizzy elderflower and noticed my hands shaking as I took it. He caught my eye before I could look away. “Are you sure you’re okay, Eva?” he said, putting his hands over mine. “You didn’t let Carys use our computer, did you? You didn’t know about any of this?”

  “Of course she didn’t know about any of this!” Mum said. “Eva knows how awful this has been for us. You really think she would keep quiet knowing how much damage it’s done? I can’t believe you’re even asking her, Lars.”

  I felt like I was underwater, suspended in one of those giant aquariums they have at the Sea Life Centre. I could see and hear everything that was happening, but I didn’t feel part of it. I was drowning in my own silence.

  “I think I’d better take you upstairs,” Mum said. “Sorry, Sergeant. It’s a big shock for her.”

  “Of course,” Sergeant Edwards said and he stood up. He was almost as tall as Dad. “But, Eva, if you remember anything that might be relevant to our investigation, get in touch. The stronger a picture we have of what was going on, the better. I’ll leave my card in case you think of anything.”

  I didn’t listen to the rest of what Sergeant Edwards was saying, and I was already upstairs by the time he reached the front door. There was no way I’d be contacting him. I wasn’t planning on speaking to anyone ever again for the rest of my life.

  When I got to my room, I realized I was still holding the can of fizzy elderflower. Mum took it off me, opened it and held it to my lips. “Take a sip,” she said. “You need the sugar. I can’t stop shaking myself! What a horrible shock for all of us.”

  I sat on my bed and closed my eyes. Mum pressed her hand on my forehead. “You do feel a bit warm. You know what,” she gently put the duvet over me, “I think you’re exhausted. Take a nap. I knew I shouldn’t have let you go to school today.”

  I heard the door close, and Dad’s muffled voice downstairs in the hallway. There was nothing in my room. Just bare walls, and my heart beating into the silence, reminding me what a horrible person I was.

  I didn’t go to school the next day. Mum said I was still in shock. Which I guess was partly true. But mostly I was too ashamed to face anyone. Dad made pancakes for breakfast. And I stayed in my bedroom all day. I had millions of messages from people at school asking what had happened. Someone who lived near Carys had seen the police car, apparently.

  I replied, Not too sure right now, to pretty much everyone.

  I ignored Alfie’s police emojis. And the thing he’d put on TikTok with the police siren sound effects. I scrolled through old messages from Carys, but I didn’t dare send her anything. Partly because I thought Sergeant Edwards would be monitoring her phone. But mostly because I was a coward. How could I ever repay her for taking the blame? And what must she think of me for letting her? I wondered if Mum and Dad would let me change schools. Or maybe we could move to Denmark permanently. I’d surely be able to speak fluently eventually. Anything was better than facing everybody. Or even worse than that – telling the truth now it was way too late.

  Hallie called me at lunchtime. I didn’t want to answer, but I kind of had no choice.

  “So, what happened?” she asked. “Is it true about Carys? Did she hack the channel? Everyone’s saying she’s been arrested!”

  “She’s not at school?”

  “No,” Hallie said. “Miss Wilson won’t say anything about it. But everyone’s saying she’s been excluded. I knew there was something not right about her, Eva,” she said. “I tried to warn you. Me and Gabi both did.”

  “It’s not like that, Hallie. Honestly, it’s not Carys’s fault,” I said.

  “You don’t have to defend her,” Hallie said. “Not after what she’s done.”

  I really wanted to tell Hallie the truth. But it was like my brain had sealed the truth up. So I said, “I think there’s just been this giant misunderstanding.” And with every word that came out of my mouth, I felt like I was drifting further and further away.

  I tried to watch a film, but I ended up scrolling through All About Eva. Mum and Dad had posted a new vlog saying that they were investigating some illegal activity on their channel, and they’d be back again soon.

  “We love you guys!” they said at the end.

  I scrolled down. Comments are turned off. I wondered if Carys had seen it. A pang of guilt went over my skin when I thought about her, like stinging nettles. I lay on my bed, looking up at the empty ceiling, for once wishing I could be the other Eva. The one who had bits of her life edited out. Then I could drag a cursor over this whole section and hit delete.

  The next day at school, I avoided everyone, even Spud. At lunchtime, some Year Ten girls cornered me outside the art block and asked me loads of questions I couldn’t answer. Is it true Carys Belfield’s been arrested? Is it true she hacked into your channel? Did she make videos about you? Is she going to prison? Did you know she’s been excluded?

  I went inside and ran down the empty art corridor towards the toilets, but when I turned the corner I crashed straight into Miss Wilson.

  “Eva! Slow down,” she said, then she saw my face. “Oh, you poor thing, come with me.”

  We sat in her classroom while she sketched and handed me tissues. I was glad no one else was there because I could not stop crying. Mainly because Miss Wilson kept telling me it wasn’t my fault. I wanted to tell her the truth so badly my face itched. But I couldn’t get the right words to come o
ut.

  That night, I sat at the desk in my bedroom, trying to write Carys a letter. I figured if I could post her a letter saying sorry, telling her about how I panicked with the police officer being there when I got home, then at least she would understand. I would say how I had never expected her to admit it all and take the blame. Then everything would be okay. I’m so sorry, Carys, I wrote. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

  Then the door burst open. I quickly stuffed the letter in my desk drawer.

  “Spud!” I said. “You almost gave me a heart attack!”

  “Have the cops showed up again yet?” he said, grinning.

  “You can’t just burst into my room like that any more!”

  “Sorry, your mum said it was okay to come up.” He sat on my bed and looked at me. I kept my eyes on the floor. “So, have you spoken to Carys?”

  “Her phone’s off.” I couldn’t even look in Spud’s direction. Because that’s the thing about secrets. They don’t disappear. Even when you tell yourself they don’t matter any more. They hang around behind your eyes, refusing to leave.

  “Don’t you care about what’s happened to her?” Spud said. “She might get excluded!”

  “Of course I care,” I said. “She’s my friend. I mean, she was my friend…” Spud moved so he was directly in my eyeline. “What?”

  “Nothing,” he said. “It’s just, if you were thinking of owning up, you should probably do it soon. That’s all.”

  Every time I closed my eyes that night, I imagined Carys at the police station. Or living with her Aunt Edna on The Island With No Broadband. And, worst of all, I pictured her alone.

  I told my parents I was going to Hallie’s after school. I figured one more lie wouldn’t make any difference. I felt terrified when I pressed the doorbell. I didn’t even know if Carys would let me in. Or what her parents would say. Maybe they had moved her to Aunt Edna’s already. I wondered what Carys must have told them. I didn’t know anything really, apart from going there felt like the right thing to do. And also a bit like falling off the edge of a cliff.