This Is a Bust

by Ed Lin

  Businessmen gave speeches in Chinese at the fixed microphone stand at the center of the stage. The Chinese people were surely making progress in America, they said, and Policeman Chow was such a hard worker that the foreigners couldn’t help but promote him. It wasn’t really a promotion, but I knew better than to interrupt an elder.

  One guy from the Hong Kong business alliance gave a speech encouraging the Chinese people to continue to fight the communists. He ended by giving a dirty look to the communist photographer.

  Right before he went up, Vandyne came up to me at the table and said, “I’m only doing this because my nephew loves that stamp book you got him.”

  “I figured he’d like it more than me,” I said. Vandyne toyed with the tuning pegs on his guitar. He stooped slightly at the mike.

  “Hello,” he said awkwardly. He put his hands together and nodded his head. Then he played and sang “I’m Walking” by Fats Domino. The singing was a little off, but the playing was spot on. He gave off a good vibe and even got the Chinese people to clap in time.

  He came off and I gave him a hug. Then I went up to the mike. I had a three-paragraph speech ready about how my dad was a waiter and how he’d suffered at the hands of a place like Jade Palace. I was also going to talk about how more Chinese had to come forward to report crimes in the community. Paul had helped me with the prepositions.

  But the microphone was turned off. I tapped it a few times, but nothing came out of the speakers. The dinner was winding down and people had already broken away from their assigned places to talk at other tables. I was worried I wouldn’t have a chance to have my say.

  I stood at the podium and leaned on my elbows. For the most part, the Chinese people were talking amongst themselves and the cops were doing the same. It brought home how I was just an instrument. I was the dummy who made both sides look good. It didn’t matter what I thought or said for myself. In fact, nobody even cared to listen to me.

  “Willie!” I yelled when I saw him passing by. “Tell them to turn on the microphone.”

  Willie Gee was dressed in a red suit with gaudy lace trim on its oversized lapels. He smiled and said, “One second!” He ducked into a bar at the side and came back with a bottle of Heineken and a glass. “You wanted a beer, right?” he said as he popped the cap off and poured it.

  The smell of alcohol made my eyes water. I felt like I was drinking it already. I could have just one beer, couldn’t I? Willie put it on the stand and pushed it closer to me.

  “It’s cold,” he said, smiling.

  Lonnie’s hand came crashing in and swept the bottle and glass into Willie’s chest.

  “I’m sorry, I’m so clumsy!” she said.

  “Stupid girl!” growled Willie Gee. He slipped off to the kitchen, but not before snapping his fingers at one of the older waiters and pointing at the broken glass on the floor.

  “This dinner isn’t really your style, is it?” Lonnie asked me. She had on a red chiffon dress that made her look like she was stepping out of a rose.

  “No, not at all.” I came out from around the microphone stand and stepped down from the platform. I put my

  hands around her shoulders while keeping some distance between our bodies. People were slipping on their coats

  and leaving.

  “Are you going home now?” she asked.

  “I’m pretty much done here,” I said. I asked the newspaper reporters if they wanted to talk to me, but they all declined. They already had the story written, they said. They only came to take pictures.

  “You’re going to do just fine,” said Vandyne, clapping my back.

  “You look so handsome tonight, Robert,” said Rose.

  “Chow,” said Vandyne as he came in closer. “I want you

  to know that we still need to brainstorm business ideas

  together. This guitar playing isn’t going to support the

  both of us.”

  “You still got 16-odd years, right? Twenty and out?”

  “I got a lot of odd years left,” Vandyne said.

  Teeter came in. “They didn’t even let you talk, huh?”

  “No, but I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised. It wasn’t exactly a crowd-pleasing speech I had planned.”

  “So congratulations on getting some investigative assignments.”

  “Teeter, how in the world did you know?”

  “I know this guy high up in the department. He was pretty impressed after watching you in the hockey game.”

  “Is he high enough to get me out of doing stupid public-

  relations assignments?”

  Teeter smiled. “As a matter of fact, it’s over for you.”

  “Over?”

  “This is the last one. He’s ordering you to be removed from the public eye. It doesn’t behoove a future detective to have his face all over the place.”

  “Who is this guy, Teeter?”

  “You’ll know later on. He’s a really good guy who keeps a low profile, but he’s a powerful name.”

  My mother and the midget came up to me at the same time. She looked him over.

  “Hey, you must be the poor little man who plays games in the park,” my mother said. Her voice sounded like she didn’t think the midget could count to five.

  “I’m not poor,” said the midget.

  “I told Robert that I couldn’t believe that a grown man would waste so much time just playing games.”

  “Mom, the midget is going to be the star of a movie.”

  “Is it a children’s movie?” she asked.

  The midget cleared his throat. “I’m going out for a smoke,” he said. Wang left with him.

  “That’s a rather rude exit,” said my mother.

  I was about to say something mean when Lonnie cut in.

  “You’re Robert’s mother?” she asked.

  “You Robert’s girlfriend?” asked my mother, pointing her right elbow at Lonnie.

  “Yes, I am,” said Lonnie, taking her hand.

  “When are you two getting married?”

  Lonnie laughed like Chinese people do when they’re ready to move onto the next topic or leave. We left.

  —

  At the bottom of the escalator, Wang and the midget were sitting on a stone bench. The midget had taken his name tag off and was folding it over and over.

  “You have a minute, Officer Chow?” asked the midget.

  “Sure.”

  “I wanted to talk to you in private,” he said.

  “Wang, can you escort Lonnie home?”

  “Sure. It would be a pleasure.”

  “Oh,” said Lonnie. “Robert, I’ll see you later, then.” I gave her a tight hug. Then I sat down with the midget and watched them swing out through the glass front doors.

  “Officer Chow, I want to offer you my heartiest congratulations. Even though this award’s bullshit.”

  “Thank you, and let me apologize for my mother. I’m sorry for the way she treated you.”

  “Don’t feel sorry for me,” he said. “I’ve got more than everything I’ve ever wanted. But what about you? It looks like the police are changing your duties.”

  “You know what they want me to do now? Go around and take pictures of Paul and his friends because they can’t even tell the good ones from the bad ones.”

  The midget smiled and cracked his neck.

  “Speaking of bad ones, how about that Yip?” he said.

  “Yeah, he tried to get close to me just to find my blind spot.”

  “I think he genuinely liked you.”

  “I don’t know how to take that.”

  We stood there a little while, listening to the slurping sound coming from the rubber handrails on the escalators.

  “I was thinking,” the midget said, “that I still need one more person in the store. I know it’s far beneath you, but even just a few hours a week would be really helpful to me and Paul. I’ll give you partial ownership.”

  I looked at the midget.


  “You’re just trying to keep tabs on me,” I said.

  “Well, that’s not the only thing. Consider it a standing offer.” The midget slid off the bench. I went over to the glass doors.

  “Don’t hold the door for me,” the midget said. “You’re the one who just got feasted.” He leapt ahead and got the door for me.

  Chapter 17

  I was leaning against the subway exit at East Broadway and Essex. Paul had given me a plastic bag of raisins, peanuts, and chocolate chips. I reached in, grabbed a handful, and threw it into the back of my mouth.

  The evening rush of commuters stepped out. First came the men who would take two steps at a time ahead of the general trudging foot soldiers. I took another too-big handful of mix and chewed slowly. Constant eating of snack foods was supposed to help, the midget said.

  The midget had told me a little more about his alcoholic brother. He hadn’t made a clean getaway from the bottle. The midget didn’t know where he was now.

  I looked at the backs of the heads of people coming up and out. Women lagged behind the men, probably because their shoes hurt and they couldn’t walk as fast. One girl coming out looked great from the backs of her half-oval calves to the curved tips of her straight black hair.

  She came up the stairs and made a U-turn and faced me directly.

  “Robert?” she asked.

  If my mouth weren’t full, I would have said “Barbara.” As she looked at me expectantly, I realized how fortunate I was to have run into her.

  After I chewed and swallowed, I tried to look nonchalant. “How are you, Barbara?”

  “I’m doing good. Kinda busy, of course. You know.”

  “I know.”

  “Have time for a drink?”

  “I have the time, but how about coffee instead?”

  Her jaw swung out of joint.

  “You’re on the wagon!” she said.

  “Yes.”

  “You’re in love?”

  “I am seeing somebody.”

  “Is she younger?”

  “Yes.”

  I felt a little good when Barbara winced.

  I took her to an over-rice place close by, a place that had Jewish characters in the cornerstone because it used to be a deli. They made some pretty mean Malaysian ice coffees.

  “You’re not going to get far with any woman, taking girls to the places you do,” Barbara said. She put her purse on a chair next to her.

  “Flirting with me will embarrass us both, Barbara. Anyway, I don’t want to go to a place that has a liquor license. If I even just smell it, who knows what might happen.”

  “It’s that bad?”

  I nodded.

  “Barbara, could you do a favor for me?”

  “Depends. What did you have in mind?” She was smiling as she pulled her hair behind her ears. Barbara, I thought, you’ll be 80 years old someday and you’ll still be beautiful.

  “I know this boy, he’s smart as hell, maybe as smart as you were back then. The family situation is a mess and they don’t have any money. He’s kind of a wise guy, too, but he needs help. I’m no use to him. He needs to talk to someone who understands what it means to have that ticket out of Chinatown.”

  “Look at me, I landed back in it. What good am I?”

  “You only live here. You have a job, an office job. You went to college on a scholarship.”

  “I feel like my life is so screwed up. . .I feel like I don’t know how to love.”

  “You were married, you do know how to love. You took vows.”

  She put her elbows on the table and put her head on her closed hands.

  “Barbara, you’re already a success, you just have to allow yourself to be happy. Helping this kid, Paul, will make you happy. Think of how good you’ll feel spreading the message of opportunity. He needs someone smart like you.”

  “I wish I were stupid,” Barbara said.

  “Not you, too!”

  —

  I was sweeping cardboard-box crumbs down the aisle and out the toy store’s front door. The midget was sitting on a barstool behind the counter, looking over a sheaf of order forms.

  I had called in sick again. It was nice having unlimited sick days. But I needed time off to figure out what to do with the Polaroid camera and how I was going to get out of implicating potentially innocent boys. Pushing a broom was better than scratching my chin.

  “You know,” I said to the midget, “I’m not getting anywhere in life. This is the same broom I used almost five years ago when I worked for Old Moy.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “My initials are still on it, see? Old Moy was too cheap to buy a new broom. Surprised he didn’t take it with him when he left.”

  “He wasn’t such a bad guy. You know he loved you?”

  “He didn’t love me.”

  “He called you his second son.”

  “Then he hated me. The second son always gets the shaft. Don’t you know kung-fu movies? The second son gets killed and the prodigal first son returns to the village to avenge him.”

  The midget looked back to his clipboard.

  “Kung-fu action dolls,” he said to himself. “They even have some black ones. Jim Kelly from ‘Enter the Dragon.’”

  “Order two. I want one and I think Vandyne will want one, too.”

  “I’m going to order a bunch for the store. I think the kids are going to be into it.”

  “Maybe you should ask Paul. Shouldn’t he be back, already?”

  “Well, if he’s there a while, the interview’s going well.”

  “It takes 45 minutes to get to midtown, 45 to get back, so he’s been in the interview for more than an hour?”

  “He can handle it.”

  I put the broom aside and fidgeted with the bandage on my left hand. I had sliced myself lightly with a box cutter.

  Just then Paul walked in, his long coat already fully unbuttoned to show his dark suit and bright tie.

  “Hey, what happened?” I asked, coming up to him.

  “What happened to you?” he asked, pointing at my hand.

  “I cut myself.”

  “With a box cutter?”

  “No, with the broom. C’mon, tell me what happened!”

  “Well, that Barbara, she’s really nice looking. Smart and classy.”

  He saw me frowning and cleared his throat.

  “So after talking with Barbara a little bit, I met her boss and we talked some more.”

  “What did you talk about?”

  “Talked about the brain drain from China and Taiwan. When people from Taiwan finish grad school in America, they apply for citizenship and bring the rest of their families over. When people from China finish grad school in Russia or Japan, they’re going to go back to China. In the long run, eventually, China’s science and engineering will surpass Taiwan’s. They also have more natural resources.”

  “So what’s that mean?”

  “It means that someday, China will be a superpower and Taiwan businesses will be investing in it. And combined, they will import goods to all over the world faster and cheaper than anyone else.”

  “No way. The KMT would rather have the island go up in a mushroom cloud before working with communists.”

  “Just wait a generation or two. People will let that go. The next generation in America’s not going to give a damn about Vietnam.”

  The midget said, “The current generation doesn’t give a damn about Vietnam.”

  “I don’t even give a damn about Vietnam,” I said. “So, anyway, what happened, Paul?”

  “Well, we just talked a lot. Never talked so much in my life.”

  “Did the boss like you?”

  “I think so. He offered me an internship.”

  “That’s great! When do you start?”

  “I told them I couldn’t do it.”

  “What!”

  “This internship doesn’t pay for the first three months!”

  “You’re taking that fucking
internship!”

  “Well, then I can’t pay rent, okay?”

  “Yeah, yeah. Get on the fucking phone right now. Apologize and everything!”

  “Okay, okay.”

  Paul went around the counter and picked up the receiver.

  “Ah, Robert,” said the midget. “Can you watch your language? This is a toy store.”

  “Oh, man, I’m sorry about that.” I waved to some kids staring at me.

  “Another thing.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Who am I going to get to replace Paul here?”

  “Just get another kid!”

  “What kid can you count on to work in a toy store?”

  I took a deep breath and thought.

  The midget tapped the clipboard against his thigh.

  “I know a lot of people who’d love to work at a business that they had partial ownership of. Business does well, your ownership is worth even more. It’s better than a pension. There’s nothing like being your own boss. You take pride in your work,” he took a breath. “Do I have to beg you to work with me?”

  “What are the hours?” I said.

  —

  The early evening seemed as good a time as any to go see English and quit, particularly while I was in civvies.

  He was sitting in the detectives’ lounge, watching Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd.

  “Chow, you got any pictures yet for the mug books?”

  “Yeah, here you go,” handing him a stack of Polaroids. “I took them last night.”

  He put them face-down on his stomach and continued to watch TV.

  “You’re not even going to look at them?” I asked. “I put a lot of effort into the stakeout.”

  “I’ll look at the end of the show. I know this is your first assignment and all, but don’t get too anxious.”

  “I’ll be out by my locker,” I said.

  —

  It took me longer to pack than I thought. I kept finding stupid little things that brought up memories that I was immediately forced to live through again.

  The puck from the hockey game I’d scored two goals in. Where were those firemen now?

  Baseball caps from Chinatown associations and clubs whose dinners I’d gone to. I tried a few on. Kinda tight.