Coffin Fit (The Grateful Undead series Book 4)

by Stec, Susan

  "Really?" Jeni asked, pushing a clean plate away so she could lean an elbow on the table. "Do they have a desert menu behind that napkin holder?"

  Paul laughed. "For you, I might've been able to hold my nose, swallow hard, and stay."

  "You think?"

  "I think there's a desert with your name on it in this menu, is what I think," Paul said, and handed her the menu.

  * * *

  "Damn it, Marcus," Dorius said, "I've just received a vision through Elizabeth's eyes. Christopher—most likely with assistance from your mate—has somehow finagled Lily's extraction from Hades. The little half-demon is standing in the Stech's living room at this very moment."

  "Would you leave your mate in Hell?" Marcus calmly asked, and took a sip of warmed blood from a china cup. He uncrossed his legs, settled further into a tapestried winged-back chair, and stared at his brother.

  Dorius paced the small sitting room adjacent to a more common living room with a massive rock fireplace. Fire crackled behind a gilded screen in a much smaller fireplace carved into one of the walls in the small sitting room. The fires in both rooms warmed rock floors, painstakingly hammered into squares and laid on leveled dirt hundreds of years ago. Ancient, hand-woven rugs absorbed the dampness in both rooms and gave off a somewhat pleasant moldy musk. Dorius flopped onto a velvet settee and surrounded himself in hoary of stale fragrance and dust.

  "It's not the same, as you are well aware," Dorius said. "JoAnn's child is a fledgling, and still under her father's supervision."

  "And in the eyes of our council and the laws of Otherworld, Lily is no longer beholden to anyone but her mate." Marcus gently placed his cup on a china saucer sitting on a small wooden table in front of him. He smiled at his brother and then added, "As you well know."

  "There is a binding contract, brother, and Lily's father still has control of his daughter. Christopher is breaking that contract. Your wife, as well, if she has summoned the demon for Christopher."

  "Have you heard or seen anything that would indicate your suspicions are valid?"

  Dorius's cheek twitched. "No. None-the-less—"

  Marcus waved a hand to silence Dorius. "Then let's get on with business." He picked a small ceramic pitcher off a trivet sitting on the table and poured more blood into his teacup. "Are you trying to avoid the inevitable? We were addressing an immediate need to send a team Down Under, were we not?"

  Dorius sighed. "Yes, and I now feel sending Christopher and Susan Down under, with Lily here, is unacceptable. We need to pick another team. I was purely setting the stage for that announcement."

  "Fine." Marcus sipped his blood enthusiastically. "Having my wife Down Under—for the first time, incidentally—without my supervision has always been unacceptable to me. Who do you suggest we use to replace them?"

  * * *

  "So, anyway," Mort the troll told Gibbie in a slow, deliberate voice, "Ajax, uh, the fairy ringleader—Get it? A fairy ring . . . leader. Ha-ha-ha. Anyway, the leader reported, um, his findings . . . right after . . ."

  The troll paused, scratched his globular stomach, and then poked a pinky finger into his navel. He wiggled his finger a bit and pulled it out with a piece of moist algae on the tip. Mort brought his finger to his nose, sniffed, and then his tongue slithered the tip of his pinky and captured the green slime.

  "Jeez," Gibbie squawked. "Do you have to eat navel jam while we're talking?" His heart-shaped face was wrinkled in disgust. Carrot-colored hair vibrated against plump cheeks as the fairy shivered.

  "Sorry," Mort said, shifting from foot to foot, waist deep in lake water by the dock behind the house. The water rippled on his tummy, shading it from powdery gray to dark slate. "Waist not, ah, uh, want not."

  "I freaking hate Ajax," Gibbie said while pacing the dock. "That fairy's not dependable. How do we know he's not pulling Dorius's leg? He's a big practical joker."

  "Uh, not an issue," Mort said, "um, because of the case of Turkish honey . . . promised after verifying validity."

  The troll, all dry rock and mortar from lower tummy to skull, submerged.

  "A frigging case of Turkish honey?" Gibbie warbled as the troll resurfaced. "You have got to be kidding me!" The fairy hovered eye level in front of Mort and stared at water dripping from the troll's nose holes. "I have never been freakin' rewarded with even one bottle of Turkish gold for anything I've done for Dorius—the bastard. You know it's the best honey in the world, right?"

  "Yeah," Mort said, and snickered. "I guess you get what you pay for."

  Gibbie snorted anger, his jaw tight. "So, according to Ajax, the doppelganger that killed the wolf's son is in the wind?"

  Mort nodded. His black eyes reflected the overhead dock lights as Gibbie went on.

  "But the other doppelganger, the one Dorius has a history with, just happens to be hanging out in Purgatory, and willing as hell to help us?"

  "Uh, yup," Mort said. "That's what the ringleader said."

  Gibbie's shoulders tightened after hearing the title, but in a stoic, high-pitched voice, he said, "How do we know that one isn't in cahoots with the wolf killer?"

  "Ah, maybe because, um, Dorius's doppelganger friend's contracted fledgling had an episode with the murdering doppelganger, uh, right before it tried to attack one of the fledgling's female hosts?"

  "Shit," Gibbie croaked, "those smoky monsters have been killing for centuries. And their brethren have never cared who they killed to wear."

  Mort drew out his comment. "Sure, but this killer always chooses a male host to kill human women it stalks and does not wear, ever."

  "Yeah, and tell me his kind hasn't been looking the other way for centuries."

  "Yup, they have," Mort said. "But this time . . . this time, uh, it killed another Otherworld creature, Karl's son, and the council is pissed."

  ~~~

  Sixteen

  ~~~

  Christopher whistled. "We got us a doppelganger to kill."

  "We do not!" I glared at the little shit. My partner's interpretation of the mission Dorius was sending us on was not the same as mine.

  Christopher and Lily were sitting on the screened-in-porch with me. The sliding glass doors were closed to keep the air conditioner from working overtime, and the rest of the family from listening to our conversation.

  "Did you not hear Chick say Dorius is sending a team Down Under?" Christopher asked. "Which will probably be, you and Betty, Gibbie and Jake, and since he knows Lily is here, Lily and me. Did you not hear the ultimate mission was to kill the doppelganger?"

  I hissed. My fangs dropped. I couldn't help it.

  "Did you not hear Mom say Dorius told her—and I quote—under no circumstances is anyone to approach the doppelganger that killed Karl's son?" I whispered through tight teeth.

  "Yeah, but-"

  I nipped his attempt to skew another clarification by adding, "Mom told me Dorius said Jake and Gibbie can only communicate with Dorius's friend. The good doppelganger is Down Under, and that includes the bar, Purgatory. The rest of us are primarily supposed to be backup and security for Betty. We wait for them to come up from the sewer and give us information so Dorius can hear it through Betty. If they don't come up at least an hour before sun up, we contact Mom. That's it."

  "I see no reason-"

  I jumped in again. "We only get to follow Jake and Gibbie, wait outside, and report their findings, period."

  "Come on!" Christopher said. "The whole team gets to attend the big discussion meeting Gibbie sets up with the supposedly good doppelganger. No doppelgangers are nice. I just think we should verify the one Jake and Gibbie meets with is who Dorius thinks it is before they put the whole team in jeopardy. That's all."

  "No, that's not all," I snapped. "You don't get it. The one that Dorius knows will be asked a question only it could answer. And we don't get to go to the final anything. Because what Mom said Dorius said was the only vamps attending would be them with the wolves, and only if necessary, not us. So chill! Jake an
d Gibbie still have to find that doppelganger!"

  I glared.

  He pouted.

  And I said, "We are only going to follow and report. That's it, Christopher. I mean it. I will make sure my mother pairs your ass up with Betty, instead of me, if you even think you're going to go anywhere near this killing machine we're looking for. That way, for the first time since forever, Dorius will be able to see exactly what you are up to every freaking minute. I mean it! Even if I have to contact him through Marcus, you got it?"

  I could toss out some pretty down-and-dirty looks—hard, cold and threatening, with nasty ultimatums—problem was my partner has never felt threatened by me.

  Christopher rolled his eyes. "Just because you look like a bitchy old lady, doesn't mean you need to act like one," he said. "You keep this up, I'm gonna start calling you Granny-Sue."

  My fangs dropped, and I hissed.

  "I'm going Down Under with Lily," the forty-five-inch tall vampire said. "Lily is already doing a search to see if she can find out who created this demon gaffe so we can get rid of it through her connections in the Abyss."

  "A demon? The doppelganger you are absolutely not going to try to kill is a demon?" I asked Christopher while glancing at Lily, who had been quietly texting on her hPhone during the confrontation.

  Lily peeked out from under thick black lashes and smiled at me a nanosecond before her attention drifted back to where her thumbs worked the keypad.

  "Not exactly," Christopher said. "A demon fucked up and gave birth to the doppelganger."

  "Yeah, I get it," I answered. "A doppelganger is some kind of mentally challenged demon. I thought it was a weird kind of ghost that half-ass possesses a human. So I figured trying to kill something already dead would be tricky, especially if it can pop out of that human and into one of us. Maybe an exorcism?"

  After Christopher had stopped laughing, he said, "Yeah, you go ahead, call a priest, or better yet, call Ghost Busters." He spat another round of laughter. "I wanna see how that—"

  "Aunty Susan," Lily remonstrated with a tone that carried no argument, eyes still on her hPhone. "While I must commend you on using superior thought processing for a human, the clarity in your assumption that a doppelganger possesses a human is somewhat incorrect. The creature does not actually possess its prey. It is only capable of replicating a homo sapient and absorbing its entire essence, both body and mind. A doppelganger merely wears a duplicate of the human, after killing the original, or letting it carry on with its life. Its myth has passed the notion that every human has a double for hundreds of years. But the presumed double, should you be lucky to see it and know that you see it, is merely worn much like you don a new piece of clothing."

  "Every time she talks, my head hurts." I sighed. "What the hell is a homo sapient?

  "Yeah, she's frigging amazing, right?" Christopher smiled at Lily.

  Lily's adolescent chuckles hung in the air. "Christopher, you shouldn't tease Aunt Susan." She turned to me. "You are not really experiencing a headache, are you, Aunt Susan? You're attempting witticism, correct? Silly Aunty, a homo sapient is simply the binomial nomenclature for the human species. Did you know, unlike every other human species, Homo sapiens do not have a true type specimen? In other words, there is no homo sapien particular individual. I find this very amusing because all of you tend to think you are original, one of a kind, even within the simplistic origins of your heritage." Lily giggled and shook her head, ponytail swaying.

  JoAnn's little offspring was Christopher's height and age, but thin and frail looking: white skin, lavender eyes, long, black, wavy hair, a heart shaped face, and animated pink lips. That day, she wasn't wearing shoes, had on a lime-green Powder Puff Girls tee, and stretchy jean shorts that barely covered her behind and looked like a second skin. The soft, flowing, girly dress she'd arrived in was a wad on the floor in her mother's bedroom right next to the black patent leather shoes and ruffled socks she'd worn. Lily did not like dressing frilly. She had an iPad Christopher had given her, and a Nintendo Gameboy we'd given her before she left for Hell, sitting on the table next to her. But her hPhone was clamped in her small hands. She'd asked JoAnn for an iPhone. JoAnn said no after she confined Lily to the house until she contacted Raphael. Lily had been on one of the three electronic toys constantly since arriving.

  Jaw tight, forehead wrinkled, teeth grinding, I was searching my mind for hidden meaning in the kid's words. Like binomial; what the heck was that? And nomenclature? Jeez.

  "Lily," I said. "Can you crank it down, babe?" I snickered and wondered if she'd get my meaning. I was tired of miss-smarty-pants trying to make me look bad.

  I totally forgot she could read my mind.

  "Let me try to explain on a lower, more simplistic level," Lily said, thumbs still hammering her hPhone keypad. "A doppelganger is a myth to most humans. Like a silly night-fright. Or what immature humans—children—call a boogeyman. But in reality, the creature is but a demon's unwise or careless summoning mistake. Slightly expanding my explanation: During a summoning, a demon attempts to bring something or someone into its circle. The aforesaid arrives askew, demented, morose, and therefore, challenged to interact Down Under or above the sewers without wearing a human form. Think of the newly conceived doppelganger akin to what humans regard a teenager to be: hormones—chemical messengers—all awry, unstable, an inability to rationally appreciate who or what they are during that moment. It is a creature with no name, no sex, no flesh, and no identity, but its gift is the ability to reproduce yours and survive in this world.

  "However, the abomination itself does have a form, which is more commonly seen and heard Down Under. Mainly because it cannot travel in the human world during the day, and by night, it appears as a shadow, or a thick cloud floating above or over the ground, often exuding a feeling of danger. A doppelganger is quite capable of cunning calculation, rationalization, organization, and intuitive action. Therefore, reaching goals, with or without its guise, is quite simple among a race of slighter awareness."

  Lily paused, pushed a button on the hPhone, and laid it on top of her iPad. She folded her hands in her lap and looked from me to Christopher. "Most importantly, a doppelganger is completely indestructible to all creatures except its own, Christopher. In that respect, Aunty Susan is correct in demanding you not attempt to destroy it. The demon I was able to contact said it is virtually impossible to follow a trail from the doppelganger to its maker. Even more so, it would serve no purpose."

  My sister's love child patted Christopher's knee, over khaki shorts he was wearing. "If you try to destroy it or try to make contact with it, you will merely be giving it an opportunity to duplicate you and use your skills."

  Lily paused again, but this time, I think it was for effect because she added, "All of your skills, Christopher. To accomplish what it desires. All that you are, anything you can do, think, feel, or acquire through our blood relationship, this creature will, at the very least, have a profound knowledge of. It will be capable of absorbing and using everything that is you. Destroying this creature is not something you will be able to accomplish by yourself, with me or any of your team. Therefore, you should not attempt it."

  I wanted to do the happy dance, smile, laugh, and shout out some snark. I really did. But I was scared shitless, and Christopher looked majorly put out. It was the perfect opportunity to jab him a bit. Instead, I suppressed my opportunistic desires and asked Lily, "How does another doppelganger kill it?"

  Lily gave me an approving smile, and I felt like I was seated in the front row of my third-grade classroom again, facing my childhood nemesis. I hated Mrs. Masterbirdie. She hated me. At least she couldn't read my thoughts like Lily.

  "The very act a doppelganger performs to duplicate a human guise is what can destroy it, Aunt Susan," Lily said and pretty much nailed down my Masterbirdie daymare. "However, this process is not effortlessly executed between doppelgangers. The elders are astute, proficient, and powerful, with outstanding survival sk
ills. It would take primordial brethren to terminate this doppelganger. One must also take into consideration, performing the act of replication for destruction; the player must be capable of absorbing the deviant essence with a willingness and strength to shed it without retaining any undesirable virtues. I'm afraid the most we could hope for is to push it into hiding for another hundred centuries." Lily smiled at me.

  My mind had joined my dead body halfway through Lily's explanation. But that didn't stop me from being totally freaked out by what we were getting ourselves into.

  "Aunty, do you now have a better understanding of what you will be dealing with?" Lily taunted.

  I swallowed hard, even though there was nothing to swallow but my own fear.

  Lily turned to Christopher "Do you as well, mate of mine?" Lily didn't wait for a verbal answer. "It is a dark soul to be kicked into darkness by darkness until its obscurity is all there is left to behold, lest its evil bleeds daylight through a human's pores until daylight is no more."

  * * *

  "Tomorrow evening," Dorius answered Karl.

  Marcus, Dorius, Antoinette, Camillo, Karl, Randy, and Razzo were facing six of the council members in the same damp room where they'd met the first night. They sat at the same planked table behind the closed and locked massive wooden doors.

  "Non e giusto!" Karl snapped. "Not right, I tell you. We should be stronger in Numeri!"

  "II mio capo e giusto!" Razzo growled. "Eh, we do not go in battaglia con sei guerrieri!"

  Marcus's eyes were on his brother as Dorius raked eyes over the council.

  "We can take fifty rogue hunters, fifty of your best shifters," Dorius said, "yet not one of us, or all of us collectively, can take down this one doppelganger. It would be futile to try. We will do nothing but attract attention and warn the creature. Do you want it to evaporate into a gust of wind, or worse, duplicate another one of us to use against the others?" He turned to Karl. "How many of us must be killed and used by this monster before we do this right?"