Giggling Into the Pillow

by Chris Bridges

  Be funny. 91% of the Playboy bunnies who wrote their own data sheets included “sense of humor” in the turn-ons section, as far as I can remember. Girls like to laugh, and they like people who can make them laugh because they can relax around that kind of guy, unless he gets laughs by, say, pulling household objects out of his nose. A guy that can say just the right thing at just the right time is obviously perceptive and sensitive enough to know just how to touch her. Funny men make the best lovers.

  Okay, granted, women prefer funny men who are also drop-dead gorgeous. And yeah, it's really easy for funny guys to fall into the “best friend I can tell anything to but would never dream of having sex with” slot. I hated that slot. I lived in that psychology torture chamber for 6 years. I always had lots of close female friends, the ones that kept telling me “only you really understand me” and then turn around and describe how they blew some guy they just met last night, I just wanted to sneak up behind her with a rope and…

  Ha ha! Yes sir, a sense of humor is all you really need. When she's laughing she's not affecting a worldly pose, she's being human, and that's right where you want to get your basic supermodel. Also, when things start getting really intimate, you can't go wrong with a good hemorrhoid joke.

  Turn her down first. The novelty of it is sure to get her interested. As soon as she's within earshot, like the other side of the bar or just one balcony up, proclaim loudly that “No, I'm sorry Tyra, it just wouldn't work out between us. We're too different, and as exciting as you are I still want to see other people.” See the tricky psychological twist in there? Now she'll go crazy wondering why she's not good enough to hold your interest. At least I think she will, haven't tried this yet. But it feels right. You should probably also drink a lot.

  Be gay. Just think of the possibilities! She'll trust you. She'll confide in you (see above). She'll undress in front of you. She'll invite her friends over to try and convert you. My god, I can't imagine why no one has thought of this before, it could work!

  Okay, she'll probably just marry you to cover her own homosexuality from the paparazzi, but you'll still probably get to see her naked, and that's more than you get now, right?

  Well, I've done all I can here. Next week we'll go over your failures, and we'll discuss how to take the easier step of converting your current old lady into a supermodel. Hey, why buy the milk when you can put a dress on the cow, am I right?

  -------------------------

  POV

  The moon breathed bright blue light through the lace curtains, light that caressed my skin with icy hot fingers. I twirled once, twice, letting my light summer dress swirl around my legs for Robert's enjoyment. Even though I didn't dare look at him yet, still I could tell that I had captured his complete attention. The evening had been more perfect than I had dared hope for. Romantic music, elegant dining, a walk on the beach trading ever more daring flirtations and caresses, and now I was throwing caution to the wind and bringing him into my rooms where the walls were suddenly far too close to contain our passions. His eyes were glittering, shining in the night air, and I could feel the intensity of his stare like a physical thing as it traveled, slowly, across my body. He claimed me with his gaze, and I waited trembling for him to take possession of his new prize.

  ***

  This has to have been the dullest goddamn night I've ever had, she has to fuck me now. Jesus God, please let her fuck me now, maybe a little head action.

  ***

  My breath caught in my throat when he took a step towards me. In the theater and on the beach, he seemed a virile but charming man. Here in this enclosed space he seems a barely-controlled tiger, a powerful, caged animal eager to let his hunger consume the both of us. I wonder if I'll be able to handle that which I have called forth? He's taken only a single step; could he possess that much steely control? For I could plainly see the most visible evidence of his lust for me, pulsing beneath his clothing, twitching promises and ecstasies. A wave of scarlet emotion swept through me and I went to him, casting aside any pretensions towards dignity or my ladylike demeanor.

  ***

  Oh yeah, she wants it, she just scoped out my dick. Don't want to look desperate; I'll let her come to me. C'mere, you hot slut, c'mon and… no! No! Don't just stand there! What the fuck is she doing?

  ***

  I stopped before him, trembling. Our eyes never left each other, even as my hands leapt to my breast and began to tug at the buttons on my lavender lace blouse. The soft cloth pulled deliciously across my drum-tight rosebud nipples and I gasped as the chill night air touched my exposed skin. I had to have him, had to have his fire, had to feel his touch, had to surrender myself completely to his rampaging attack and pray that I regained some small scrap of consciousness afterwards.

  ***

  Goddamn, she has got the sweetest knockers! Billy swore they were fake, ha! Sumbitch owes me $10 now. Let's see, he'll probably be at the bowling alley by the time I get out of here… Jesus, if I touch her I'm gonna pop, I know it. I'm throbbing like a diesel rig. Baseball, baseball… Dream Team! Starting pitcher… Koufax? Seaver? Maybe Palmer…

  ***

  He stood there, dark and handsome, silently daring me to come closer, making me come to him. His masterful command of my emotions only increased my desire, and the courage of my wanton act seemed almost childish in comparison. I could feel the heat between my legs infusing my thighs with electric pulses of energy, I could feel my very womb clutching in the maddening desire to be filled. He remained stock still even as I put my arms around his neck and cried out when the bristles of his chest hair brushed across my tender, tightening nipples. I pressed myself to him, pushing my body to mold to his hard contours, only thin layers of cloth separating us from our rapturous bliss.

  ***

  CATCHER! Ivan Rodriquez! Um… shortstop… oh, fuck it. I grab her and start kissing her hard, shoving my tongue into her mouth like there was beer in there. Grabbed a big round funbag in each hand, did a little hip-thrusting move into her cooze and started laying the moves on her. Chicks dig it if you tongue-kiss for at least 15 seconds before you go for her twat, shows you're sensitive and shit. Six-one-thousand, seven-one-thousand. . .

  ***

  His muscular tongue thrust itself down into my willing mouth, quickly overpowering me and laying to waste my last few lingering thoughts of resistance. I felt my breath leave my body as I clung to him, cradled in his steel-cabled arms and fighting to return passion to match his own. Just when I thought I might be able to simmer my boiling blood and allow thought to guide my actions, he pulled away from me with the timing of a bullfighter and thrust his hand into my skirt, completely taking me by surprise with his audacity and nerve. His thick fingers flexed between my legs, darting here and there in a maddening, unpredictable whirlwind that nearly caused me to swoon with delight. Helpless with the sensations, I tried to thrust against his fingers but I could not match his movements or find his rhythm and the efforts left me breathless and aroused beyond belief.

  ***

  Where is the goddamn thing? Is that…? No, that can't be… I think that's a mole, but… son-of-a… just rub, dammit, you'll hit it sooner or later.

  ***

  My arms fell to my sides as I collapsed against him. No worry of falling; he held me easily, one arm around my shoulders and one hand alternately caressing and stroking the very spark of my fire. Not content to pluck the strings of my fleshy lute, his hand roamed where it would, exploring my deepest secrets as no man ever had. I felt as if I were a doll, picked up and pleasured by a giant as I rode on his hand.

  ***

  Christ, she weighs a ton! I work the button and get her good and wet 'til she's begging for it, and then drop her on the bed so I can get my pants off. Oh, yeah, this is gonna be good!

  ***

  My giant released me to fall from the heavens to bounce on a cloud, and he stood over me like a gathering storm, preparing to drench me, buffet me and strike me with lightning, again and agai
n. I laid myself open to him, with no more control over my fate than over the sky itself.

  ***

  That oughta be enough, she's dripping. I yank my belt open and drop trou. There he is, my best buddy. Nine solid inches of manmeat and it's all ready for her. I stand there with my hands on my hips and wait for her to start gobbling.

  ***

  He revealed himself with a flourish and my last bit of resistance melted away. I don't flatter myself that I am irresistible, but what other man on this earth could remain flaccid in this situation? His love and his respect for me were made manifest by his simple demonstration of vulnerability and trust. Where I had been nervous before, now I was completely at my ease and my feelings of wantonness returned; reaching up, I touched his member hesitantly, like stroking a baby bird. Like that bird it stirred beneath my touch and so I laid it on my palm and kissed it, lightly, as it began to stretch and rise to greet me.

  ***

  She gulps me with no problem at all, somehow working my massive cock all the way into her mouth until her nose hits hair. I let my hands drop to my sides and just pump back and forth into her soft, wet, hungry mouth until I can barely see straight. She wants my spooge, I can tell, I just hope I can keep it from blasting ‘til I can get some puss. God, this is so great…

  ***

  What a wonderful present he gave me! Just when I was mentally preparing myself for ravishment, he puts me in control and at ease, and so naturally I became even more lascivious and hungry for him. He looked down at my ministrations with a calm smile, and I ached to force a passionate response from him. I wrapped my hand around my new toy and stroked from the base to the tip in long, even strokes while looking him straight in the eye. He closed his eyes for a moment and gasped, and suddenly my fingers were forced apart, struggling to touch each other around the hard velvety shaft as it grew with every throb. It was a mighty beast, proud and firm, with a thick mushroom head and velvety skin stretched tight over a taut muscle. He stood perfectly still as I ran my hands back and forth across him, exploring his every hidden pleasure and crevice until there was no part of him that was unfamiliar to me. By now the cicada cry of my womanhood was buzzing for attention, surely he could hear it? I could hear nothing else. Surely he would take pity on me and grant me my deepest desire?

  ***

  Just before I lose it and blow all over her face, I pull her off me and push her back to the bed. She spread herself with her fingers, begging for it, but I had other ideas in mind. I knew what would drive her wild, cuz of what Jimmy told me his brother told him, and I needed a minute to throttle back before I blew a load over her sheets. I grin at her and plant my face right into her muff.

  ***

  God help me, I was undone! When he eased me gently back amongst the sheets I closed my eyes and tried to prepare myself for his rough entry, but he surprised me once again. My demon lover's tongue struck like snakebite on my most private places, leaping here and there before his mouth opened and he all but devoured me. I writhed and tossed my head back and forth as his ravenous mouth took me in entire, and a small voice in my drowning consciousness feared he would not stop until I died, while the rest of me feared he would.

  ***

  I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. I know I lick this part, I think, but am I supposed to stick my tongue in here or what? She's no help; she jumps around no matter what I do. God my neck is getting sore. How long do I have to do this before I can stop without her getting mad? I need to talk to Jimmy some more… Okay, thirty more seconds and then I fuck her before my tongue falls off. One-one thousand, two-one thousand…

  ***

  Mindless and animal, I rode his powerful jaw and danced on the tip of his tongue until the surges nearly overcame me. Again and again he brought me to the very brink of ecstasy, always stopping with the precision of a master musician. I was breathless and shaking when he sensed that I was nearly dead from pleasure, and he moved up to rise over me. Oh, has there ever been a greater moment in my life, when my one true love looked down upon my naked form and found me fair? For I could see the fires in his eyes, banked but not cooled, and I ached to draw out that flame and blend it with my own. He entered me then, without warning or preamble, and made me his forever. But again he surprised me, because after his single masterful thrust he stopped, filling me utterly, and kissed me with infinite gentleness. It was as if he wanted my body to know that it was forever his, the attitude of a man entering his house for the first time. I was possessed.

  ***

  Thirty! Time for some serious deep-dishing! I get up on my knees and ram it home. Jesus! Damn, that feels good! I stop immediately cuz I could feel my balls tightening up and I know if I shot off that fast she’d be mad. Um, um… third baseman? No, no, math, do math. Eleven times eleven is a hundred and twenty-one, eleven times twelve is… jeez, I'm not gonna make it…

  ***

  Finally he began to move, with an aching slowness that allowed me to feel every ridge and valley on that blessed invader. Back and forth, maddeningly slow, until out of desperation at my own condition I began to rise against him, arching my hips and lunging to meet him as he descended. Ah, sweet heaven, I cannot describe the sensations as he silently taught me the ways of being a woman! Striving together to bring each other such pleasures as we could never achieve apart! My blood sang in my veins and crashed in boiling waves in my brain as we clung to each other with our arms and legs and minds. Just as I could hold back no longer I gazed deeply into his fevered eyes and saw his passion ready to release. Suddenly he moved with a terrifying intensity, thrusting into me with maniac strength, finally driving me over the edge of insanity and into the screaming abyss.

  ***

  Oh shit, I'm losing it! I was okay 'til she started moving, goddamn, here it comes… ah yeah! Yeah! Fuck yeah! Yeah! Take it you bitch! Unh!

  ***

  Sweet merciful God! Ah! My mind explodes into a thousand scintillating bits as the universe pours itself into me and fills me with power and heat and searing hot liquid. I am the earth, fecund and new and rolling with volcanic explosions, and lightning has struck me, again and again, to create life! When the sensations finally fade after a thousand years, I looked up to see my demon lover gazing at me with a boyish grin and a lover's sure knowledge. I threw my arms around him and held him tight, at once embarrassed that any person could have such perfect control over my body and mind, and filled with delight that it was this man and that we were now together for eternity.

  ***

  Damn, that was good. Jeez. Maybe now we can skip all that dating shit and get straight to the humping from now on.

  Wonder what's on TV?

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  Chapter and Perverse

  I'd like to talk about sexual perversity, the scourge of our society. I am completely and totally against all manners and categories of sexual perversity and I hereby call upon all of our upstanding citizens to…

  What? Oh, no, you can still do that if you want. That too. There? Yes, I don't mind if you want to stick it in there, as long as he doesn't. Excuse me? Oh, sure, whip the hell out of her, consensually, if you please. No, no, you misunderstand me. I'm talking about perversity.

  perversity (per-vûr´sî-tê) noun 1. The quality or state of being perverse, deliberately acting against others. 2. An instance of being perverse, obstinately persisting in an error or a fault; wrongly self-willed or stubborn.

  No Particular Dictionary, It's All Good

  I don't care what you do with your bodies, or even your partner(s)'s body/ies, provided everything is consensual all around and you leave a tip. But it's those damn little sexual perversities that get me riled. And don't tell me that these are just coincidences. Ha! That's what they WANT you to believe!

  Here's some examples:

  * Cats and small dogs are oddly attracted to thrashing humans and always always always pick the precise wrong time to suddenly lick your face or check out that fascinating smell.

&nb
sp; * Small children always break in and try to interfere (“You're killing mommy!”)

  * Older children will come home while you're helplessly pushing the dinner table centerpiece around with your head. And they'll bring their friends unexpectedly.