Giggling Into the Pillow

by Chris Bridges

  “Yes! Yes! Hurry…”

  == (click) We’re sorry, all our operatives are currently busy with other calls, but your call is important to us. ==

  “What the goddamn fuck!”

  == Please hold on. (click) “. . . —ean, oh what can it mean, to a, daydream believer, and the, homecoming queeeeeen! Cheer up…” ==

  “Fuck!”

  == (click) How dare you touch yourself without permission! You slimy little worm! ==

  “What?”

  == I'm going to ram this staff so far up your pasty ass you'll remember me every time you swallow! Come here and lick my heels, now! ==

  “Who the hell—”

  == Are you going to kneel before me, insect? Press 1 for “yes,” or 2 for “no,” now! ==

  “Operator! Operator! Shit, maybe 9…” MEEP.

  == (click) I like a man who knows what he wants! Are you hard, [JOHNNY]? ==

  “Well, not really—”

  == Can you see me here, standing naked in front of you? Water is dripping from my long, blonde hair and running down… ==

  “Dammit, I'm paying by the minute for this! Maybe 9 again…” MEEP.

  == (click) Hey, little fella! ==

  “Oh, hi, um, are you the manager? 'Cause I think I—”

  == That's a right nice-sized unit you got there, [JOHNNY], looks to be about as big as mine! Let me haul mine out and we'll put 'em side by side and compare! ==

  “Jesus, where did I—”

  == Here, I'll give mine a little stroke and you do the same over there, where I can see you. Do you like watching me stroke myself? You like watching my balls bounce when I do it? ==

  “NO! Where the hell is Jessie?”

  == I thought you did, I can see you getting even harder and thicker, just like I like. You ever had any sailor ass, [JOHNNY]. If you ain't had sailor ass, you ain't never had ass, and I got a tight one all ready for you. Would you like that? Just say “yes,” “no,” or “operator,” now. ==

  “NO!! JESUS!!”

  == (click) I like a man who knows what he wants! Are you hard, [JOHNNY]? ==

  “Goddamit…” MEEP.

  == Oooh, [JOHNNY], stick it way up my cunt, agh! It's so big, and it's so good! ==

  “What the fuck? Did we skip—”

  == I'm gonna come! I'm gonna come! Can I come now, [JOHNNY]? Are you ready to come with me? Press 1 for “yes,” or 2 for “no!” ==

  MEEP!

  == (click) Woof! Woof! Hey, looks like Rex really likes you, [JOHNNY]. I'll tell you a secret; Rex is a very special dog. If you spread just a little peanut butter all over your—” ==

  “SHIT!” MEEP! MEEP! BEEP BEEPITY BEEP BOOP BEEP!”C'mon, c'mon…

  == Ohhhh, [JOHNNY], that was so good. Oh god, I have never come that hard, ever! God, [JOHNNY], you're an animal! ==

  “But I—”

  == You have got to come back tomorrow night, if I don't get that again I'll just die! Will you come back? Please? ==

  “Well, I didn't—”

  == Oh, you have to! I'll make it so good for you, like you made it so good for me. Please come back, [JOHNNY]! ==

  “Yeah, I guess I could—”

  == (click) Thank you so much for calling Sassy Jessie's Automated Sex Line, the hottest, sexiest phone sex line around. Your call may have been monitored for training purposes. Good night, and I hope we hear from you again real soon! ==

  -------------------------

  6 Nights of CRRRRRRAPPY Sex

  So, you've mastered the Art of Love. You are inhumanly aware of your lover's erogenous zones, personal preferences, and secret desires, and you know unerringly when to be sweet and gentle and when to get rough. Every sex act, no matter how quick or spontaneous, ends in soul-satisfying simultaneous orgasms, and you are both capable of holding each other on the ragged edge of sweet release for hours at a time until you can time your explosions with the slow rising of the sun.

  So why are you getting bored?

  Simple, really — you need contrast. How can you really enjoy the heights of sensual mastery if you never have a bad fuck anymore? You can't truly appreciate the hard-earned mastery of your own body if there's no chance of losing it thirty seconds after you unzip.

  But how can you relive those feelings of helpless fury, lack of communication, and determined impotence? We're here to help. What follows is a list of suggestions for you and yours to add to your godlike sex life as an occasional reality check. Just rip each one from your monitor and follow the instructions.

  Ancestor Worship

  It is an age-old guideline that if you want to see what your wife will be like as she ages, you have only to look towards her mother. Now's your chance to show your lady that you'll still be deeply in love and lust with her in her declining years by spending the day emphasizing how attractive you find her mom. Discuss her probable future appearance (“Honey, I just love those crows-feet you're getting! Rowff!”) and make sure she knows that you don't care what gravity is doing to her.

  At the end of the evening, surprise her by ducking into the bathroom and allowing her to see the sexy outfit you've laid out for her: purple jogging pants, an oversized Garfield sweatshirt, support hose, a pair of those nurse sneakers, and a shawl. Make sure you call out her mom's name a few times, too. Just think how relaxed and flattered she'll be!

  Ingredients: old lady clothes, old lady shoes, Vick's. Vapor Rub

  Hail, Hail, the Gang Was All Here

  You know what your husband likes, and you know how he likes it. But do you know what one of the best parts of his sex life is, the part he doesn't share with you?

  Telling his friends about it. Nailing a righteous babe like you, over and over again, just isn't complete unless he can lord it over all his buddies. You wouldn't believe the sheer pleasure he gets from being the absolute center of attention when all of his drunken friends hang on his every word as he describes exactly what you do under the sheets. And you can help! What better way to prove your husband's manliness than by showing all his friends exactly how lucky he is? Fuck 'em all!

  Pick a day when you know he'll be out until evening, and then invite all his friends, one by one or in groups, to come sample what he's been tapping. Just imagine how envious his friends will be, knowing that your man can get what they're getting any time he wants!

  That night, you can whisper to your man how much luckier he is than all of his friends, or at least all the ones you could reach. He'll be bursting with pride!

  Ingredients: a buncha guys, a few more, one of those “Take A Number” machines, a lot of beer, and one last guy, for luck.

  Simultaneous Submission

  Has your lady been dropping some interesting hints recently? One of the most compelling hidden fantasies is to be completely helpless and at the mercy of another for your sexual gratification, and this is a wonderful gift to present to your lover. But make it a surprise — some simple, fast-closing restraints can be purchased at any good sex shop or sub-code sanitarium, and you can attach them to the corners of the bed under the covers. Romance her all evening, seduce her into the bedroom as only you can, and lay her back amidst the sheets. Then, while she stretches languorously, swiftly snap the restraints around her wrists and ankles before she can react. As you stand away from the bed, I guarantee you'll see the light of passion burning in her eyes as she tests the restraints one by one and smiles an anticipatory smile at you.

  Disrobe, slowly, letting her fires build, and then quickly rush over to the closet doorway where you've attached four more restraints. Snap yourself in before you can react and then pull tightly until you can't reach to release yourself. Now you're both ready to enjoy the hot, pulsating explosion of complete submission.

  Ingredients: A nice dinner, some mood music, eight scary-looking leather restraints, and an understanding neighbor within screaming range.

  Tools of Power

  Ever see that scene in 9 1/2 Weeks where Mickey Rourke blindfolds Kim Basinger and then feeds her
right out of the refrigerator, not only exciting her but arousing every single woman in the theater? Why should your man miss out on this?

  However, most guys don't react as strongly to the sensual possibilities of food (although they do like watching you eat an ice cream cone), so you need to take them somewhere where they can feel comfortable in their surroundings as you startle and tease them with unexpected sensations.

  The garage.

  Blindfold him slowly and tightly, making sure he can't see, and kiss him lightly on the lips. Take his hand and run it quickly and lightly over your own body to get his interest, and then lead him into the garage. The familiar scent of grease, hot metal, and kitty litter should inflame his senses. Take his clothes off, letting your hands tease him here and there, and then sit him down in front of the water heater. Now tantalize him with the sensual touch of everything on the garage shelves until he can't take any more! Pipe wrenches tighten deliciously, belt sanders provide lip-biting friction, the claw-end of a hammer offers some intriguing possibilities, duct tape can keep him where you want him, and you'll be amazed what a simple Black and Decker electric screwdriver can do to that bundle of sensitive nerve tissue, the prostate. Keep some kerosene handy for cleaning up afterwards.

  Ingredients: everything in the toolbox, an entire Sears Craftsman socket set, a wood vise, and the gallon size jug of WD-40. Yeah, baby!

  My Little Hooker

  Roleplaying is a great way to liven up your sex life, it says so in all the manuals. Wouldn't you like to enjoy that heady thrill of picking up a strange woman for some no-frills, no-commitment, no-last-names fun? I'll bet if you asked, your ladyfriend might be more interested than you'd think. She'll have the excitement of being a mysterious lady of the evening, someone so sexy that men would pay anything for her, and in a perfectly safe situation. Let your imaginations soar!

  Prepare yourselves separately and arrange to meet at a bar across town. Enter the room casually and order a drink, then look around and check out the merchandise. Hey, who's that ravishing creature over there? Think she might be interested?

  Flirt with each other at the bar and then escort her out to your car. You might be surprised how forward she is in the car. Drive her to a motel, sign in under a fake name while she watches and then carry her and the booze over the threshold. Do you notice the new edge to her arousal? Can you tell that pretending to be a wanton is just what she's been wanting?

  Once inside, close the door and lock it. Gulp down half the booze in one shot and then grab her by the hair. Rush her through a cold and heartless sex act, ideally one she won't usually do, and remind her constantly that you're paying for this. Now it's time to break out the heroin!

  Ingredients: one cocktail dress, a pair of stiletto pumps, 3 cans of hair spray, some quarters for the condom machine, and a fistful of crumpled twenties.

  9-1-Wonderful!

  A quick and easy one. Want to make your man feel strong, animalistic, and brutal? Today's society prefers men to be gentle, sensitive, and calm, forcing your guy to constantly fight against hundreds of thousands of years of conditioning. Wouldn't it be liberating to let his inner beast out, just once?

  Help him realize his secret, unrealized fantasies of rape and sheer, overpowering, atavistic he-man behavior by playing it to the hilt. As soon as he walks in the door tonight, scream as loud as you can, claw him across the face, and run into the bedroom. Slam the door, draw the children close to you and call the police. If he gets in, make him fight for every pleasure. Throw all the fixtures at him, kick him in the goolies, and above all, never stop screaming. He'll get an incredible rush of alpha-male dominance, briefly, until help arrives.

  Ingredients: good lungs, pepper gas, a phone with speed-dial, and bail.

  -------------------------

  Do You Want to Play “Questions?”

  “Hey?”

  “Hmmm?”

  “You awake?”

  “Why? What's up?”

  “Would you like to make love?”

  “Think you can compete with my dream?”

  “Who's my competition?”

  “Can you beat Mel Gibson?”

  “Patriot Mel or Lethal Weapon Mel?”

  “Would you believe Chicken Run Mel?”

  “Mind if I try?”

  “What did you have in mind?”

  “Shall we see what develops?”

  “What's that developing down by my leg?”

  “How'd that get there?”

  “Does it bite?”

  “Why don't you see?”

  “Is it safe?”

  “Are you scared?”

  “Are you kidding?”

  “Hey. what's this?”

  “Ooh, what are you doing?”

  “You like this?”

  “Can't you tell?”

  “What's this little button for?”

  “Ahhh, what if I do this?”

  “Ummm, you want me to lose it right here?”

  “Can't last the whole ride?”

  “Are you impugning my manhood?”

  “Are you gonna use it or what?”

  “Can you move your leg over a bit?”

  “Think you can find it, hero?”

  “Ah, think you can ?”

  “Is it in yet?”

  “Doesn't it hurt, having your pelvis dislocated like that?”

  “Would you wake me when you start, so I don't miss anything?”

  “Think you'll notice this?”

  “Whoo, who kicked you in the ass?”

  “You gonna move or what?”

  “Sure you don't mind it being pinched in half, mmmm?”

  “Wouldn't you be disappointed if I was left with only twice… ooh… the normal equipment?”

  “Getting modest on me… eee… EEE?”

  “Gonna be my little puppy and turn over?”

  “Why, afraid I'll see you sweat?”

  “Can't take the thunder?”

  “There, you like me like this?”

  “God, has there ever been a more perfect ass?”

  “Oh, you gonna be nice back there?”

  “Ummm, you mind if I get some EXercise in?”

  “AGH, you tryin' to split me?”

  “Who's your daddy?”

  “Wha… ha ha ha ha, are you serious?”

  “Should I use a deeper voice?”

  “Could you just fuck me, please?”

  “How could I re… oh, jeez, what are you doing?”

  “UNH, UMM, wanna UNH race?”

  “Ah, you want… AH… me to lose it?”

  “AAAAHHHH, are you ready?”

  “Are you? Aieee eee eee, are you?”

  “AH, GOD?”

  “BABEEEEEE?”

  “Did you come?”

  -------------------------

  Happy Fucking Easter

  The alarm began blaring, on schedule, at 6 friggin' o'clock in the morning. The fact that I was the one who had set it in the first place still didn't keep me from snarling and swiping it to the ground with my massive forearm before crawling back into my cave and…

  …and sighing and rolling over and waking Kelly up, dammit. “Hey hon, time to get up.”

  “Wha? I'm still s'eepin', go 'way. I'ma kill yu.” Kelly isn't a morning person, either.

  “We gotta get the Easter baskets out before the kids get up. C'mon, you were the one who didn't want to stay up last night. Move it, Easter bunny.”

  She sat up groggily and held her head in her hands. “Yeah, yeah. Hippity hoppity.”

  We pulled ourselves together just enough to pretend we were awake, got up and somehow managed to stumble around and locate all the Easter crap we had hidden in various hidden caches around the house. I did catch her grabbing a quick nap in the hall closet, but one poke in a soft spot and she was moving again. We had gone to great lengths to stash everything as carefully as possible, so the odds were good that at least a third of it would be a complete surprise to the kids. Kell
y, wrapped in a terry cloth robe, staggered downstairs with plastic baskets and plastic bags full of assorted plastic goop and headed off to turn them into pleasing arrangements of holiday joy, while I was assigned the task of sneaking out to the front yard and raiding the trunks of the cars for more hidden loot. I came out ahead of the game — I just suffered cold wet feet, but she had to actually start thinking.

  Or perhaps not. I suspect that had I seen her creations at any other time besides the rosy dawn I would have shrieked and tried to hit them with a stick. There on the kitchen table were three brightly colored baskets, stuffed unevenly with unnaturally bright green grass and filled with candy that had rather obviously been dumped straight out of a bag. She had missed a few times, and she had missed the entire table at least once. However, since I hadn't had to make them, I thought the baskets were the most beautiful things I had ever seen in my life. We scattered some toys about, left some new church clothes nearby where they wouldn't get trampled, and I made a half-hearted attempt to prop up the Easter cards my mom sent. Kelly grabbed the last bag of candy, plopped onto the couch and pronounced us done.