Giggling Into the Pillow

by Chris Bridges

  “Oh, no, she's great, I'm just a complete bastard who can't keep it in his pants. I come here once a week, plus I hit on my co-workers. You?”

  “This is my first time here, I've never been quite this desperate before. My failed relationships have forced me to lower my standards until the best I can hope for at this point is that you're not diseased, impotent, or homicidal.”

  “Just herpes, but it's not active right now so I wasn't going to tell you. I can get it up most of the time after about half an hour of frustrating oral sex, and I wouldn't put my mouth near your muff for all the gin in Virginia. So, you got a roommate? I can't take you to my place, for obvious reasons, and I'm too cheap to pop for a motel.”

  “Oh, I always tell men I don't go down on them, but then I always do because I can’t stand all that whining. I'm really bad at it, and then I get mad when you won't do me. I actually like hours of foreplay before I even start to get excited, but I never expect to get it.”

  “That's okay, I'll make sure to use a lot of K-Y so it won't matter if you're interested or not. Roommate?”

  “Yeah, a female friend who's much more attractive and will probably steal you if there's the slightest chance that I'm really interested. She's agreed to stay out of the apartment tonight, but she'll sneak back in later and listen through her bedroom wall. This is boring, you gonna proposition me or not?”

  “You know it, I've been drinking steadily and you're looking damn fine, although I'll regret it tomorrow and then tell my buddies you had bigger tits and a snatch that could do needlework. I'll drive, but don't look in my glove compartment or you'll see my real name on my registration and I'll have panic attacks all night.”

  “No problem, I'll just copy the information from your driver's license while you're in the bathroom trying to rinse off my perfume before you go home. That way I can look up your phone number so that when I inevitably fall in love and obsess on you, I can call you day and night.”

  “Join the club, baby. Let's go. My wife expects me home by 10.”

  “Okay, I'll need the extra time for a crying fit in the bathroom.”

  “Night, Joe! Thanks for the tip, it really came through! I'll tell you my exaggerated version tomorrow night!”

  “Yeah, thanks, Joe! I’m looking forward to this meaningless encounter right now, but tomorrow I’ll be wishing I had just settled for buying more batteries.”

  “Night, you two. Ah, love. I never get tired of it.”

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  Gender Bending

  Here's a fun and easy way to gain new appreciation for the opposite sex, which could lead to widespread acceptance of the trials and tribulations of the genders and, ultimately, to a cease-fire in the battle between the sexes. A worthy goal to try to accomplish in our lifetimes, the same span of time which has seen so many other incredible leaps in psychological perception and sexual equality, so get to it, you lazy bastards.

  What you're going to do is take an afternoon and see exactly what it's like for your lover during those moments of utter ecstasy that you've been taking for granted. You will become your lover.

  Ladies - You are now a man. Mazel tov.

  And you need to learn how to please your woman. (those readers who prefer same-sex fun — please modify the exercises as necessary). Let's start with the easiest - fucking.

  Exercise 1 - Get on your hands and knees and place a pillow in front of your waist. Start thrusting.

  Basic - Try to grind and pound the pillow into the bed using only your hips and leg muscles. Keep it up, constantly, for 10 minutes. It's a bitch, isn't it?

  Intermediate - Kiss the pillow while you do it. If you're feeling particularly cocky, fondle the pillow while thrusting in such a way as to maximize your own excitement while never missing the pillow’s label. Don’t lose your beat.

  Advanced - Do it on the carpet or on a tile floor, without knee protection.

  Expert - The second you're finished, jump up and go get a towel.

  You can try alternate positions if you like. Try pinning the pillow against the wall and pound away. For true verisimilitude, buy a dildo and harness and seat the dildo loosely, so there's at least a 10% chance of it falling off during the maneuvers.

  Exercise 2 - Take a dress shirt, one with a stiff collar, and lay it flat, face up, buttoned to the neck. Lay down on top of it so that your chin is on the second button and your tongue just reach the collar.

  Basic - Unbutton the collar with your tongue. You can use your hands to hold the sleeves but that's it, you've got to unbutton the collar with your tongue's strength and agility alone.

  Intermediate - Button it back again.

  Advanced - Have a partner hold the collar and keep moving it while you're exercising. It also helps if they can grab your hair and ears and yank your head around.

  Expert - Cut through half the threads holding the button on. Now do the same exercises, but don't let the button fall off.

  You may find that repeated strokes will get the button to just where it's about to slip through the buttonhole, and then your jaw gives out and it slips firmly back in place. At this point your partner should whack you over the head, turn over and go to sleep, and then not talk to you for three days.

  Guys - You didn't think you'd get away so easily, did you?

  Exercise 1 - To get the full effect, you'll need to do this on the living room floor. You can lay pillows down first, and a protective cup might be advisable. First, grab the couch, tilt it so that the back of the couch is facing down, and hold it up while you lie down under it. Spread your legs. Wider. Wider. Now lower the couch so that the back of the couch is pressing against your pelvic girdle.

  Basic - Start pounding the shit out of your crotch by alternately raising and dropping the couch. Do this for 10 minutes.

  Intermediate - Kiss the couch and yell things like “Do it to me, Conan!” with a straight face. Raise your hips just as it hits.

  Advanced - Hook your ankles around the edges of the couch and hang on. Keep dropping it.

  Expert - Drop the couch a final time and then leave it there to simulate a sleeping partner. You may want to have a friend acting as a spotter. If your friend is present, have them use a turkey baster to squirt a pint of chilled crème rinse underneath your butt.

  Note - any other item can be substituted for the couch, provided it's taller than you, awkward, and weighs at least 200 lbs. A full-sized punching bag is ideal, and a Navy sea bag stuffed tight with dirty, yard work-type laundry can add extra realism.

  Exercise 2 - Assemble the following items: a banana, a cucumber big enough so that your fingers barely touch around it, a water pistol filled with milk and lemon juice, and a 1992 Chevette.

  Basic - Peel the banana and quickly ram the entire thing into your mouth. Pull it in and out for 10 minutes. Do not vomit. After 10 minutes, remove the banana and inspect it. For every obvious groove dug into the banana's surface from your teeth, you must do another 10 reps.

  Intermediate - Take the cucumber and lie down on your bed. Hold the cucumber in your fist, pointing straight up. Position your head over it and, bobbing up and down, ram it down your throat for 10 minutes. Pretend you really like doing it.

  Advanced - This requires a friend's help. Fill a water pistol with a mixture of warm milk and lemon juice. Have your friend hold the pistol at waist height as you kneel down and begin throating it. At an unspecified time (but no sooner than 5 minutes), your friend should, without warning, fire the pistol as fast as possible, ideally while holding your head in place.

  Expert - Wedge the cucumber between the seat and the back of the front seat of the Chevette. Sit in the passenger side and lean over until you can take the cucumber in your mouth. Have your friend move the seat forward until your head is stuck, painfully, underneath the steering wheel. Go to it, you sexy thing. For a real challenge, replace the water pistol with a garden hose and see how far you can get it down your throat before your friend abruptly spins the faucet wide open
.

  Obviously these are simplistic versions of the acts involved, but they can give you a real perspective on the physical challenges your lover must overcome. Following these exercises can give you a glimpse into the burdens that accompany your pleasures, and encourage you not to take your lover for granted. You’ll appreciate your lover, and what they do for you, and through this appreciation can develop a true understanding and consideration of your lover’s wants and desires even as they begin to truly understand your own.

  Okay, I admit it. I really wrote this whole thing in the hopes that someday your wife will come home and find you humping the couch screaming, “Do me, Conan!” at the top of your lungs.

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  You May Now Kiss the Brides

  Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of this company to join together Jackie, Kathryn, Emil, Eric, and Steve in the holy bonds of matrimony.

  This ceremony represents their desire to publicly proclaim their love for one another, and their devotion to a relationship that is far beyond that of friend, companion, or even lover. They wish to marry, in the eyes of their family and friends, in the eyes of God, Gaia, the Buddha-nature in all of us, and the absolute absence of any higher power, respectively. Theirs is not a shallow love, but a love tested by time and hardships until it is tempered and true and able to withstand all trials, except for Eric who just moved in last month.

  Kathryn, Jackie, and Eric feel that their lifelong mate should be strong and independent, loving, faithful, understanding, devoted, compassionate and most of all — a best friend. Steve is already legally married to Kathryn, but he pretty much agrees anyway and he really digs Jackie. Emil says he believes in lifelong, unbreakable marriage vows, loves Kathryn deeply and is kinda curious about Eric, so he's up for it.

  Forasmuch as these five people have come hither to be made one in this holy estate, if there be any here present who knows any just cause why they may not be joined in marriage, I require him now to make it known or ever after hold his peace.

  Jackie, do you take Kathryn, Emil, Eric, and Steve to be your lawfully wedded spouses? Do you commit your life to them, embracing all joys and sorrows, all triumphs and hardships?

  Kathryn, do you take Jackie, Eric, and Emil to be your lawfully wedded spouses, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, 'til death do you part, even if Emil is kinda creepy?

  Emil, do you take Jackie and maybe Eric to be your lawfully wedded spouses, to love and to cherish, forsaking most all others with pre-agreed upon exceptions for Butch Night at the Arena and the occasional one-nighter as per the pre-nup?

  Eric, do you take Kathryn and Jackie to be your lawfully wedded spouses? Do you swear your future and your life to them, knowing that they're also bi-curious and that you're entering into a sensual paradise of which other guys may only dream? Do you realize that Emil swiped a photo of you at the beach and hid it in his wallet, and that you'll have to deal with it eventually?

  And Steve, do you take Jackie to be your lawfully wedded wife, allowing Kathryn her freedom to explore her newly awakened eroticism with Jackie and Eric, especially since things were getting kinda slow with her anyway and Jackie is just so totally bitching?

  Does someone have the bag of rings?

  If you would please place the rings upon each other's fingers, and repeat after me: This ring symbolizes the unending union of my life with several of yours. Your dreams are now my dreams. Your hopes are my hopes. Your fears are my concerns. Your finances are now my finances. Your affection is my joy. Your crazy relatives are my crazy relatives. Your repo problems are my repo problems. Your love is my blessing.

  Because you, Jackie, Kathryn, Emil, Eric, and Steve have consented together in this sacred commitment and have declared the same before this company of family and friends, I now pronounce you husbands and wives. You may now kiss… everybody.

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  Motel Fun, or Norman Bates Was Just Getting Started

  Having sex in a motel room is not precisely a new idea, I'm given to understand, but one can always learn a few new tricks. Sure, you could do it the way your parents did — checking in with that vaguely guilty look (even if they were married at the time), washing up separately, laying a towel down to keep the sheets clean and avoid embarrassing the maid, having furtive and quiet sex so the equally-shameful people next door wouldn't hear, washing up separately again, and then either watching a movie so it wouldn't be so obvious they were there just to have sex, or going to sleep so they could wake up 300 times in the middle of the night before finally getting up at 6:30 in the a.m., sore and miserable. Good times.

  But why limit yourself to that, fun though it may be? You've just paid someone a wad of cash to borrow their room for a while. Enjoy it! Here's some tips:

  Freak out the desk clerk.

  Arrive separately, even if you have to drop your lover off and circle the block a few times.

  Look around furtively a lot. Stay at different ends of the front desk and don't make eye contact with each other. One of you will need to actually sign in of course, but the other can pretend they were only here for the coupon books for the local attractions (“PlegmWorld! $2 off the plume ride every other Thursday!”).

  Trenchcoats can help here, especially if there are no visible pants legs underneath. Flagrant high heeled pumps make a nice statement, but only if you're male. It also helps if you both look really nervous and one of you has a suspicious bulge in your shirt that awkwardly-crossed arms just won't hide.

  In a frantic-sounding voice, ask the desk clerk several times if the room has a working toilet. After he/she reassures you enough times, ask what its capacity is, and if you're allowed to change rooms if it breaks.

  Pay in crumpled, greasy singles, or a single hundred dollar bill half-covered with blue ink.

  If the motel uses those little electronic card keys, take it, stare straight ahead while you run your finger across the magnetic tape like braille, then nod to yourself and put it in your pocket.

  Ask for a room that faces Sirius and mock him if he doesn't understand what you mean.

  Walk into the lobby while embracing and kissing each other passionately and ask the clerk (through grasping, hungry lips) for the nearest goddamn room.

  Bring along about 14 friends and ask for a single. Tell the clerk that they won't all be staying.

  Or just walk in normally, ask for a room and go through the process friendly and calm, and then, just as you leave, slip him $5 and, tapping the side of your nose, tell him “We were never here, eh my lad?”

  Use everything the room has to offer.

  You paid for it, use it!

  The soap is hardly capable of cleaning anything, but it's handy for writing obscene sonnets across the bathroom mirror.

  Get the Gideon Bible and read each other the dirty parts.

  Ever fold gum wrappers so that they chain together? Ever wonder how long a chain you could make if you used an entire phone book?

  Send crank letters to the President on motel stationary.

  Turn on the tv, turn off the sound, and add your own filthy dialogue to the sit-coms, the soaps (not that they need it), the music videos, even the news. You always knew Gilligan was boned silly over Mary Anne, now's your chance to hear it happen!

  Tie all the towels, sheets, blankets, and washcloths together in a long rope and leave it tied to the bedpost closest to the window when you leave.

  See how many pillows you can fit into the room safe.

  A boring motel room is no excuse for boring sex.

  Pile up all the blankets, sheets and towels into a huge nest to fuck in.

  The bed is usually just the wrong height for one of you to stand or kneel during sex, but you can crank up the a/c, pull the mattress half-off so that it's leaning on the bed, lay on it and pretend you're stranded on the side of an Alp and you need friction to stay warm.

  The little tables are usually pretty sturdy.

 
; If you have a double room, each of you can get on a separate bed and see how worked up you can get each other. You can look, you can listen, you can stretch and touch each other, but both of you have to be somehow touching your home base at all times.

  Or you can use the little bucket and the ice machine down the hall to turn one bed into an ice floe and pretend you're penguins. Dump the bedspread into the tub afterwards to melt.

  Come to think of it, the extra bedspread makes the tub much more comfy. Use it to make a cushioned hidey-hole, or fill the tub anyway and play Swamp Thing.

  If the shower rod looks up to it, doing chin-ups while coupled is both healthy and an incredible sexual rush.

  The ice machine is your friend. Nothing like a bucket of ice in one hand and a coffee pot full of hot water in the other to help you provide just about any sensation necessary.

  Be imaginative when you cry out. “Oh God!” is trite and dull, and unfair to your potential next-door audience. Try exclamations such as “Great Krypton!”, “Oh, mommy, yes! Yes!”, “Now, give me one more foot of it!”, and “Fuck me ragged, Your Eminence!”

  It is usually possible to have neighbors on up to four sides of you, especially during a busy season. See how many of them you can get to pound on your walls, ceiling and floor because of your shrieked cries of love.