Giggling Into the Pillow

by Chris Bridges

  KANDI: And what a life you've had! 75 porn movies this year alone, Best New Dick Award for 2000, you're building up quite a legacy.

  ROBIN: Yeah, I just do it for the kids, y'know?

  KANDI: Do you see any difficulties in this extremely grueling event?

  ROBIN: Nah, my wind is good, I'm in great shape, and c'mon, those girls did it, didn't they? No sweat.

  KANDI: You heard it here guys, and I can tell you, he looks ready. Wow.

  BILL: Thanks Kandi. Stan, tell us a little bit about what's going to happen tonight.

  STAN: Well Bill, in the previous Gang Bangs there were a small number of participants compared to the number of recorded bangs. Even though Annabel got laid 251 times there were only 80 guys involved, Jasmine managed to coax 300 screws out of just 50 men, and a paltry 60 palookas nailed Houston over 600 times. But tonight Throbbin Robin will undertake to satisfy a thousand different women. I don't envy him that challenge, Bill.

  BILL: Nearly every nationality is represented here tonight, Stan. Most of the women are American, but there are plenty of British babes, French fillies, German girls, Swiss misses, and, to help fill out the numbers needed, an awful lot of Russian mail-order brides.

  STAN: What kind of women would volunteer to be part of such a historical, massively sexist event? Kandi Frottage is down on the stadium floor, talking to them now. Kandi?

  [Sounds of a stadium crowd, and lots of women talking and laughing]

  KANDI: Thanks Stan, I'm here with #588, Thelma Hanson. Thelma, what brought you here to be impersonally penetrated as one of a long line of faceless bimbos?

  THELMA: Well, to be completely honest this is probably the only way I would ever get laid in this or any other lifetime, so I jumped at the chance.

  KANDI: I see what you mean. Um. You know, you could probably get that lanced–

  THELMA: Plus you get this great t-shirt!

  KANDI: Guys, I tried speaking to some of the other women here, but the ladies in this section all speak Russian and they seem very confused and frightened.

  BILL: Thanks, Kandi, that's great. We're almost ready for the starting bell now, so we'll be right back after a word from our sponsors.

  [Music sounds, cut to commercial. Romantic music is playing in a dark bedroom. We can just make out a couple embracing with urgency. The camera pans around until we can see their faces just as the woman says:]

  WOMAN: Ow!

  MAN: What's wrong, honey?

  WOMAN: The walls of my vagina aren't sufficiently lubricated, lover.

  MAN: Hmmm, that's a problem. [He crawls down to peer at the problem area, removing his pipe from his mouth to concentrate.] There must be something we can do.

  WOMAN: Oooh, honey, while you're down there, you could–

  MAN: [interrupting] There must be some sort of chemical answer to this. [He prods her with the pipe, and then looks toward the camera] But can't Science help us?

  [The bedroom lights come up and a man in a white lab coat and holding a pipe emerges from the closet]

  SCIENTIST: Yes, we can! We know that sometimes the body is willing, but the body's natural lubrication is weak. That's why we've developed HootGoo! [cut to can of HootGoo on table] HootGoo is made from 27 all-natural herbs and petrochemicals, and each bottle offers unparalleled sensuality, heightened sensations, outstanding viscosity stability, a very low coefficient of friction, and a pleasing scent of honey.

  MAN: [sitting up in bed, gesturing with pipe] But why is it any better than natural lubrication, doctor?

  WOMAN: [hiding under the sheets] Or saliva!

  SCIENTIST: Well, we're not suggesting that HootGoo is better than your body's natural oils, just that your body's natural oils are worse. Follow me, and I'll demonstrate.

  [The woman gathers the sheets around her as she follows, the man just gets up and walks bareass (except for black socks and sock-garters) as the Scientist leads them into a previously dark portion of their bedroom where we see several other men in white coats and holding pipes, all looking at 4 engine blocks, each on a white column. The engine blocks are running.]

  SCIENTIST: Here you can see where we've filled these engines with different types of lubrication. Watch how long each one lasts!

  [After a second, the engine on the left locks up and stops with a violent jerk]

  SCIENTIST: That one was filled with natural lubrication. [The man and woman look at each other in surprise. The second engine locks up and begins to emit billows of black smoke.] That one was filled with ordinary petroleum jelly. [The third one explodes, raining debris on the bedroom.] That engine contained Slick-50. But notice how the engine filled with HootGoo is still going strong! That's the sort of power you can bring to your conjugal bliss, if you use HootGoo!

  [Cut to can of HootGoo on the table, as a hand appears from off-camera and sticks a huge metal spout into the top]

  SCIENTIST (v.o.): HootGoo! Helps you out, where Mother Nature fucked up.

  [Flash screen filled with usage restrictions and health hazards, all at .02 typeface as required by law]

  [Cut to exterior of Uberdome, cue sports show music]

  BILL: And we're back live with the World's Greatest Gang Bang! Stan, we're just about ready for the opening bell. Are you excited?

  STAN: Not as excited as Throbbin' Robin, Bill! Look, you can tell from here! Robin is making his way down to ringside and I think we're just about ready to get started.

  [Audience sound getting louder]

  BILL: I hope so, cuz it looks like Redwood is ready to start whether anybody else is or not! Ever get one like that, Stan?

  STAN: Not since junior high school, Bill, and I didn't have a thousand women to use it on. Here we go!

  RING ANNOUNCER: And now, wearing the blue hat, weighing in at 185 pounds and sizing up at 9 and one quarter inches, Tha-ROBbin ROBin REEEEEEDwooood! Let's get ready to FON-DLLLLLLLLLLE!

  [Horn sounds, audience goes wild]

  BILL: Wow, strong start there, Stan, the first lucky lady is down and he's in there!

  [Sounds of loud sex, audience cheers]

  STAN: That first lady is Lisa Ann Reeves, Bill, and she won the toss backstage. She's a cabin attendant for Delta Airlines and enjoys country music and mint-flavored dental floss. You can see Robin using his patented swivel-hip action to get her off quick.

  BILL: And it's working, Stan. These women are using HootGoo to make sure they're ready for immediate penetration, and for the ladies on deck we have a team of fluffers making sure they're moist and ready, but it looks like Lisa brought something of her own to the table. [Sound of woman orgasming] My God, there she goes! Her toes are pointing, they're pointing, she's definitely tossing one off! Just under a minute, that's incredible!

  STAN: That's the mark of a true athlete, Bill. He's at the top of his form and he's looking good. You can see that Lisa has quickly rolled out of the way and the next woman is stepping up to the plate.

  BILL: She's Carol Gilhooey, a librarian from Red Bank, New Jersey, and it looks like the Throbber is giving her the “on top” spot as he jockeys for position underneath. She's game, she's throwing a leg over… and he's in! She's hooked up and moving like an oil pump! This is fantastic! Look at him go!

  [Audience reaction, more loud sex]

  STAN: An unexpected move, Bill, but a good way to stay flexible early in the game. Conserve his strength, let her do the work. Notice the careful manipulation of the clitoris, you can tell he's in complete control here. Smart thinking, and just the sort of thing that he–

  BILL: WAIT! The Throbber looks surprised! He's jerking, he's… yes, it's his first orgasm of the evening!

  [Sounds of a male orgasm, audience cheering]

  BILL: Stan, Robin was expecting to last much longer than this before his first popper. Will this affect his chances?

  STAN: It's hard to say at this point, Bill. He's a trooper, he can still recover as long as he… oh my god, I don't believe it!

  [Sound of snoring, audience booing,
with a strong undercurrent of female laughter]

  BILL: He's… he's… he's fallen asleep, Stan!

  STAN: This could just be a temporary setback, Bill, he can still bring it around–

  BILL: He's goddamn asleep! Son of a bitch. We're scheduled for 8 hours of live TV, Stan! What the hell do we do now? You wanna take over down there?

  STAN: Um… (brightly) Let's see the playback on that last move!

  BILL: Oh, Christ. I lasted longer than that on my honeymoon. I'm outta here.

  [Footsteps, door opens, loud audience booing, door slams. There’s a long pause, with the booing audience still faint in the background]

  STAN: Well, uh, this has been the World's Greatest… uh, Gang Bang, sponsored by HootGoo. Please stay tuned for the post-event analysis with Bob Costas and Ron Jeremy, coming up next.

  [Music rises, fades]

  -------------------------

  MY PENIS IS…

  * my constant companion

  * a convenient handle to get me out of bed in the morning

  * the tie-breaking vote when my brain and my heart just can't decide on the next dating move

  * occasionally cute and cuddly, especially right after

  * an excellent source of flexible dry heat, very good for chest colds

  * friends to more people than I am, somehow

  * a handy impromptu washcloth hook

  * a magic toy that doesn't need batteries or nuthin

  * a fun way to flip M&M's to my mouth when I'm in bed and bored

  * capable of cracking walnuts after a few weeks of forced inactivity

  * an impressive-sounding 152,400 microns

  * known to curl up and flee within my body at the first sign of danger, such as angry bikers or really cold pools

  * just like my very best friend — shows up when I don't want him to, doesn't show up when I do want him to, and seems to like really strange women

  * an obvious target for hurled onion rings

  * just the right size to wear G.I. Joe's helmet

  * the bane of my wife's 3 a.m. existence

  * a sturdy book prop for reading in the tub

  * entirely the wrong thing to present in court as a surprise witness. Who knew?

  * useful for keeping my front pockets apart

  * always there for me

  * gifted with the ability to change my mood, attitude, and intelligence level with just a twitch

  * gradually being trained to respond to simple voice commands, such as, “are you awake?” and, “thanks for going shopping with me, now what do you want to do?”

  * the exact color of latte, with cream

  * a manly 1. 524e+09 angstroms

  * completely confused by y-front shorts

  * entirely capable of meeting, wooing, and seducing a woman before my brain realizes what's going on and why we're all headed to the parking lot

  * well-trained and respondent to my touch, like a show dog

  * ultimately in charge of the TV remote

  * perfect for scooping out the lint trap

  * the outward manifestation of my testosterone-laced, whipcord-muscled, utter machismo-drenched manhood, out in the open for all to see and admire

  * not at all the thing that those kids at the bus stop were expecting

  * better when shared, just like love and french fries.

  -------------------------

  Guess Your Fetish

  Do you have any idea, any idea at all just how sick and twisted the people around you really are?

  You do? Seriously?

  Good, you'll ace the quiz. Each of the terms below is an actual clinical term that describes a specific sexual kink, preference or action. All you have to do is guess which definition is accurate. Go wild. You sick fuck.

  1. A harpaxophiliac is aroused by:

  a. Aborigines

  b. being robbed

  c. a Marx brother

  d. stringed instruments, especially upright - oh god, upright – ones

  e. wigs.

  2. Bradycubia refers to:

  a. an overpowering attraction to Marsha Brady

  b. an overpowering attraction to Greg Brady

  c. an overpowering desire to watch Greg nail Marsha

  d. a sex technique where the male slowly thrusts in and out of his partner's vagina or anus

  e. a sex technique where the male slowly thrusts in and out of Greg and/or Marsha Brady

  3. If you're an ochlophiliac you really get off on:

  a. crowds

  b. summer squash

  c. Scottish accents

  d. the Spider-man bad guy with the arms

  e. spitting off highway bypasses

  4. If a lover offered you a little scrotal infusion, it means they're about to:

  a. kick you in the nuts

  b. kiss you on the nuts

  c. help you kiss your own nuts, with ropes and a fence puller

  d. let you force your scrotum into one of their orifices

  e. inject a saline solution into your ballsack until it looks like a hairy water balloon

  5. A wild evening of formicophilia would require

  a. a hydraulic jack and a can of Fix-A-Flat

  b. a kitchen countertop with a hole in it

  c. a jar of honey and a jar of ants

  d. a wire brush and a bottle of iodine

  e. a pile of dirty laundry

  6. A stupprator is only sexually interested in:

  a. newlyweds

  b. virgins

  c. uniformed people

  d. comatose people

  e. stupid people

  7. A gomphipothic person would be intensely aroused by the sight of your:

  a. Social Security card

  b. Aunt

  c. Jesse Helms hand puppet

  d. Incisors

  e. anorak

  8. If you hop in the bed of an ophidicist, watch out for:

  a. snakes

  b. beetles

  c. novelty lunchboxes

  d. piles of sand

  e. unspooled cassette tape

  9. If your lover offers you a quick round of genuphallation it means you get to stick your dick:

  a. in your lover's armpit

  b. in your lover's toaster oven

  c. between your lover's earphones

  d. in a moistened light socket

  e. between your lover's knees

  10. Kokigami is the art of wrapping the penis in:

  a. aluminum foil

  b. piping hot towels

  c. darling little paper or cloth costumes

  d. bacon and held in place with toothpicks

  e. hundreds of rubber bands until it looks like a balloon animal

  11. If you engage in amatripsis it means you masturbate by:

  a. stroking your penis with your own heels

  b. rubbing your labia together

  c. rubbing up against a public official

  d. thinking about pop stars

  e. rubbing fistfuls of money all over yourself

  12. An albutophiliac would just lose all control in your:

  a. hiney

  b. lobby

  c. attic

  d. sprinklers

  e. socks

  13. Tripsolagniacs could probably pick up a cheap thrill at:

  a. the local beauty salon

  b. the local grocery store

  c. the local cemetery

  d. the local courthouse, especially the witness stand

  e. the local slaughterhouse, especially by the runoff area

  14. If a thlipsosist sneaks up behind you, you're about to get:

  a. hugged

  b. mugged

  c. showered

  d. goosed

  e. pinched

  15. Siderodromopjiliacs are aroused to a remarkable degree from: