Giggling Into the Pillow

by Chris Bridges

Me bein’ the natural pessimist that I am, I had to poke holes in his idea. “And just where do we get all the stuff for this, Henry? You got a movie studio in your boot?” Henry just grinned his grin and said that his cousin had one of them video cameras, and that was all we really needed, we could build or fake anything else. I sez, “And just where do we get our stars for this porno movie? You volunteering?”

  Henry allowed as how he didn’t think no one would pay to see him with his clothes off, and I had to agree, seein’ as how Henry did resemble a fella who had taken into his mind to swaller a couch. “No,” he sez, “I think they’d rather see someone like that,” and with that he grabbed my arm and pointed out the winder and across the street.

  There was Dolly Sue Magee, known far and wide as the prettiest and easiest girl in all of Cliffside County. Last year she won first place in the Miss Green Bean Beauty Pageant and from what I hear she personally thanked every single judge until they couldn’t hardly see straight anymore. She thanked one judge near on to death and he wasn’t even a beauty pageant judge, he was a judge for the hot dog eatin’ contest, but story goes that she figgered he’d be the man to accurately rate her technique. If there was anyone around who would get to it in front of a camera on purpose, it was Dolly Sue.

  “Okay,” I sez, “I’ll give you that one. But what about the fella? We got to have someone in there with her, unless you just want to film her lovin’ up on some produce, and I’m pretty sure Dolly Sue won’t go for that.”

  Not to worry, Henry told me, he had some thoughts in that direction. What he needed from me was the use of my barn this weekend. Oh, and he’d sure ‘preciate it if’n I could whip out a script, too. Afore I could say another word about it he was up off his stool and out the door, leaving me confused and a touch apprehensive. Also with the bill for the pie, but anyone knows Henry learns quick to expect that sort of thing. Payin’ happens to other people in Henry’s world.

  From what I could recollect of the other movies we had watched, along with the odd blue movie I had seen at friends’ houses, I didn’t think whomping up a script would be any too hard. ‘Here’s the pizza, lady’ and a coupla ‘oh gods’ oughtta do ‘er. But afore I could do the first word, I’d have to tell my wife Junie, and that scared me more than a little bit. See, I’m not a real old man, but I been married most o’ my life now and I’m just startin’ to get a handle on how this thing works. I wasn’t entirely sure convincing Junie that me helping out with any ay-dult movie was the smartest thing in the world, but I was positive down to my shoes that not telling her and then doing it anyway was the fastest way any man ever come up with to leave this world behind. I heard someone say once that it was easier to get forgiveness than permission, but they never talk about the mortality rate.

  I showed up at home all nervous-like and stammering, but it turned out Henry got to her first, and for once in his life he helped. Soon as I walk in the door she up and sez, “Ollie! You writin’ a ee-rotic movie! Henry just got off the phone with me, told me all about it. Honey, that’s so excitin’!”

  I can’t say I was unhappy with her reaction, but it sure weren’t what I was expecting, and I told her so. She sez, “Baby, you know I ain’t never been one of them biddies what get married and suddenly forget all about what they was up to in the woods just a month previous. I love you and I love what we do and if you can write that down and make other people see how beautiful it is then more power to you, is what I say. Besides, our Garden Club watched those movies a couple times when we met at the lodge and I know you can write something better than that trash.” I hugged her tight and sent a thank-you up to God for giving me the best wife in the world. After a minute she pulled back and sez to me, “’Course I don’t see any reason for you to include anything I usually say, or any noises I make or nuthin’.”

  I assured her that my dialogue would be original and the actors would be on their own as far as noises went, and that I would use one of them fake names so nobody’d know it was me what wrote it. I headed into the family room and found she’d already dug out my typewriter and some paper and set me up with enough coffee to irrigate the Sahara.

  Saturday morning we got blasted outta bed when Henry and Dolly Sue, and young Wilbur Tubbs works over at Fred’s Auto Parts, and Fat Jimmy and Tollie and Judge Jackson all pulled into the driveway, horns blaring and them hollerin’ and I don’t know what all, like to raise the dead. When we come outside they was already in the barn, movin’ the tractor out and clearin’ some space inside for the studio. Henry, he sees me comin’ and he grabs my arm. “You got the script ready?” he sez. I told him I did and that it was a humdinger, almost five pages, and that I even made some copies of it so nobody’d have to pass it around. Henry told me I was a true perfessional.

  Junie saw right away that Dolly Sue weren’t dressed proper. My script had her as a innocent young farmer’s daughter but Dolly Sue was dressed the way she usually is in tight shorts just coverin’ her butt and this teeny little shirt that didn’t disguise nuthin’, with lots of dangly jewelry all over her, and ain’t nobody in the world would guess she was innocent even if they had never met her before in their lives and was blind besides. Henry rushed over to show her the script, and it appeared there was gonna be trouble once Dolly Sue found out she’d have to read somethin’, so I lit out of the barn ‘til things cooled down. I heard a scream and a splash, which I reckon was my sweet lady wife introducin’ Dolly Sue to the outstandin’ makeup-removin’ properties of the rain barrel.

  Wilbur Tubbs was standin’ outside, reading the script. I hadn’t previously thought of Wilbur in this particular regard but I had to admit he was a good choice. Wilbur played football in high school, linebacker, and he’s got muscles on him he ain’t even used yet. Quiet boy, though, never heard much of him off the field. He looked a little peaked so I leaned on the fence next to him and asked him what was up. I sez, “You gonna be our porno star, Wilbur?” He blushed and ducked his head and nodded. I sez, “You sure you ready for this? Most fellers don’t do this sort o’ thing in crowds.” He grinned and blushed again, and I began to have doubts over our new media venture. “Wilbur,” I sez, “if you’re doin’ this to just get close to Dolly Sue it’s my understandin’ that you could buy her a burger and a orange drink and it’d work just about as well and twice as fast.”

  Well, Wilbur kinda went quiet for a second, or I guess quieter, like sound wouldn’t stick to him any more. Finally he up and sez, “Mr. Hanson? I don’t… I don’t do so well with girls.” And that was all he had to say, cuz Wilbur Tubbs, for all the bulgin’ muscles he had on his steelworker’s body, had a voice like Mickey Mouse.

  I clapped him on the back and told him not to worry; he couldn’t get turned down today if he tried ‘cause it weren’t in the script. We went up to the house together so’s I could get him outfitted.

  When we got back to the barn Junie was just finishing up Dolly Sue, and I had to admit she done a fine job. If I hadn’t personally seen Dolly Sue proposition a basketball team once, I’d have thought she was a Sunday School teacher who’d wear a coat in the tub so as not to scandalize the angels. She had her hair up in a bun and her makeup scrubbed off and she was wearing Junie’s old gingham dress but with the top buttons unbuttoned, and since Dolly Sue’s a handful where my sweet Junebug is a palmful, she was spilling out in such a way as to make sweat break out on the forehead of every man there.

  Henry announced that he was the dee-rector and that he needed quiet on the set so he could commence to dee-rectin’. Fat Jimmy was mannin’ the camera, which he had stuck on top of a hay bale for support. Tollie and the Judge were busy sweeping loose hay up into a pile in one corner for the love-nest. I was a trifle concerned over the Judge’s presence, since for one thing I wasn’t sure which side of legal we was currently on, and for another because Judge Jackson is also the town preacher. If’n you wanted to be picky you could say it’s a violation of that church and state thing, but ‘round here we figure if anyone’s gonna
be a’judgin’ you it might as well be someone up to the job. But the Judge seemed as supportive as anybody, he was a regular at the lodge meetings after all, and he was doin’ the lion’s share of the sweepin’, so I let it be. As for Tollie, sweeping up stuff was just about his speed, but he’s all right.

  Finally everything was ready, Dolly Sue had had her motivation explained to her – we told her that a city slicker was gonna come in and for her to vamp him, she said she was way ahead of us – and we was ready for our first scene. I was there to handle script emergencies, Junie was there to keep an eye on me and to act as a chaperone for Dolly Sue, sort of. Fat Jimmy was cameraman, Tollie announced he was the key grip and was holding on to his truck keys just as hard as he could while never once takin' his eyes off Dolly Sue, and no one had the nerve to throw out the Judge. Dolly Sue didn’t seem to even notice. She just kept smiling and twirling around and crackin’ her knuckles, so I guess she was findin' her muse. Henry was just about to kick ‘er off when the judge stood up and led us in a prayer.

  “Oh Lord,” he sez, “bless us this day our endeavor, and smile down upon us as we celebrate your gift of procreative ecstasy.” Henry looked fit to bust. Me, I was wonderin’ about the propriety of praying just before a porno shoot, but Junie looked happy about it and I use her for my conscience since hers works better'n mine so I let it slide. The judge went on for ten more minutes, talking about male and female He made them and how her breasts were like twin rows and stuff like that, and then finished off in high style, blessing each and every one of us before calling out for an ay-men. Henry crouched back down, after looking around to make sure nobody was planning on jumping up and notarizing us or anything, and then he yelled action.

  Dolly Sue was pitching hay and singing a little song to herself. She looked awful pretty, just the sort to turn a young man’s head and any other parts he might have handy. She also wasn’t moving much actual hay, but I reckon no one’d notice. There was a noise outside and she jumped, looking straight at the camera like we told her not to and saying, “Oh my, who could that be.”

  After a struggle the door opened up and there stood Wilbur in my best Sunday-go-to-meeting suit and holding my old suitcase, looking just as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. He stood there for a long couple minutes before Henry hissed his line at him. “Hello, I am a salesman passing through!”

  Wilbur nods and looks back towards Dolly Sue and he sez, “Hello, I am a salesman passing by.” Henry yelled cut and we all got into an argument about whether or not the actors could ad-lib. Finally everybody got back into position and we started again. Wilbur walks back in, looks lost for a second, and then yells out, “Hello! I am a salesman passing wind!”

  After the fifth take we settled on letting the actors say whatever they felt moved to say if they would just get on with the comminglin’ part. Me, I figgered Wilbur Tubbs was nervous and couldn’t remember his mama’s name just then, and maybe if’n he got his wick wet he could settle down and think straight again, and then we could shoot the dialogue scenes. Henry assured our actors that this sort of thing happened in movies all the time, when they’d shoot ‘em out of sequence and then piece ‘em together later. Wilbur Tubbs sez, “Then why’d he write it in this order, then?” Dolly Sue nodded in agreement but I could see a smirk on her face when Wilbur spoke up. Guess his fears about a squeaky voice had some bite to ‘em, poor guy. Anyway, Henry explained to ‘em how they had to pretend they had already had their talk and were about to get all over each other. Dolly Sue lay back on the hay right off, but Wilbur Tubbs turned candy apple red. Dolly Sue smirked again, it didn’t look like she had much patience for any man didn’t know how to grab her right. Probably not much experience with it, neither.

  Henry yells action and Dolly Sue just reaches up and hooks a finger over Wilbur Tubbs’s belt and pulls him over to her. She opened up that belt faster than I think he could, and reaches right inside with one hand while she grabbed the back of his head with the other and just kissed his head off. Wilbur Tubbs’s pants started to drop, me and Junie and the judge were leaning forward to see better, and it looked like Wilbur was startin’ to kiss her back outta sheer self-defense and then Tollie sings out, “Lay that pipe down, brother!”

  After another break where we explained to Tollie that it was okay to yell out when you was watchin’ movies but it didn’t work the same when you was makin’ one, and if’n he yelled out again we’d take his keys away and make him wait outside, we jumped back to the filmin’.

  Wilbur Tubbs seemed to be a bit more confident now; he was already slobberin’ all over Dolly Sue’s face and wriggling out of his britches afore Henry could start us rolling again. Dolly Sue whipped off her dress, displayin’ her considerable charms, and she opened her arms to welcome Wilbur Tubbs right in, all squeaky-voiced six feet three inches of him.

  I’d be lying if I didn’t say I expected Wilbur to fire his pistol in the first few seconds, and I was all ready to reassure him that it was okay. He was as eager as a puppy at the food bowl and just about as graceful, and I watched him close for signs of any premature embarrassment. However, I began to suspect that my kindly reassurance was a mite unnecessary, along about the second hour.

  Now I want to tell you something here. I have met great men in my day. My father did two tours in Vietnam, my uncle helped capture Porkchop Hill in Korea, I’ve seen congressmen and senators speak and I shook Jimmy Carter’s hand once when he swung through on his campaign tour. But I have never in my life had such respect for another man as I did that day for Wilbur Tubbs.

  That boy plowed her wide and plowed her deep, flipped her over and drove her up over the side of the hay bin and then across the floor in wide circles, both of ‘em hollerin’ and thrashin’. That second hour he eased up on pounding her for awhile and spent some time committin’ a sin that Dolly Sue seemed to especially like, unless all that screamin’ was just her actin’ style. My wife Junie is a big fan of that particular sin herself, and she told me later that she watched real close the whole time and if Dolly Sue was actin’ then they might as well just ship her all the Oscars and close the place up.

  After Dolly Sue started pulling out handfuls of her own hair we made Wilbur Tubbs stop for a bit, and Henry pulled him over to the corner of the barn and started flappin’ a towel in his face and encouragin’ him. “You done good, Wilbur, you done real good. You need some water or a beer or sumthin’? Anything you need, we’ll get it for you. Goddamn, Wilbur, you’re a natural or I’ve never seen one. You wanna point that thing away from me?” Meanwhile Dolly was laid out wide and pantin' 'n' sweatin' like she'd just run around the yard carryin’ the tractor. June hurried over to her with a blanket and some water and patted her cheek 'til she could sit up. The whole time Junie was fussin' over her, Dolly Sue never took her eyes off Wilbur Tubbs and she was givin' him a look like you might give a puppy after he stood up and fixed your transmission. We all were, really, I think we was all in some sort of shock.

  Fat Jimmy was peerin' at the little window on the camera, reviewin' the proceedin's and whistling under his breath. The Judge was fanning hisself with his hat and shaking his head, smilin'. And from the way he was actin', I believe that Tollie done disgraced hisself. Never did let go o' the keys, though, can't say he slacked in his job.

  Wilbur Tubbs was bobbing back and forth, trying to see around Henry while Henry kept trying to give him advice and pep talk kind of stuff, and Dolly Sue had dropped her blanket and was trying to get past June. Henry got the idea it was time for Round 2 and barely got out of the way before our two porno stars were on each other. He yelled, “Action, dammit!” and dove out the way.

  This time it looked as though Dolly Sue intended to have the upper hand, and right off she grabbed Wilbur Tubbs by the business end and commenced to showin' him her hot dog eatin' techniques. She had him slammed up against the wall afore he could move and she gobbled him up like she was bein' timed and graded. Damn shame you can't get a schol
arship or a grant or somethin’ for this sort of thing, ‘cause that girl was a artist, pure and simple. She never stopped movin', she seemed to have a few more hands than usual, and I'll be switched if I know when she bothered to breathe. I had to remember to blink now and then, and I found myself hoping that June was paying attention and picking up some pointers.

  Wilbur took it about as well as any man could; he grabbed the rafters over his head with both hands and just howled. Jerked his hips back and forth, raised up and down on his toes, snapped his head from side to side and looked for all the world like a man who got his whanger caught in a wood chipper and found out he liked it. He didn’t put up with it near as long as she had, it weren’t more than ten minutes afore he grabbed her shoulders, spun her around and over the railing, and proceeded to rebore her proper. Dolly Sue was a’holdin’ on to the railing and pushing back for all she was worth, just a’moanin’ and a’screamin’, and buckin’ and thrashin’, and anybody walkin’ in for the first time woulda thought they was havin’ a murder, although it weren’t too clear which one was doin’ the murderin’. It was a sight to see, I’ll tell you that, and it was all I could not to play along at home, if you know what I mean, Junie was clutching my arm and kinda rubbin’ up against me, ladylike, while she watched ‘em, and poor ol’ Tollie done passed out. The Judge, he was standing perfectly still but he had a shiny sweat all over his face and his eyes looked like if they didn’t get oiled soon they was gonna freeze up. Henry weren’t even tryin’ to dee-rect anymore, they hadn’t paid him the slightest bit of attention yet and I think he realized right off there weren’t anything he could tell ‘em to do that was any more excitin’ then what they was doin’ already; he just sat back on his hams and goggled at ‘em. Only person didn’t seem too affected was Fat Jimmy, bless him, who didn’t miss a lick and kept swapping full tapes for new ones as fast as he could.