More Than Words: Kissed By A Muse #3

by S. K Munt

  Maybe I should write a book- about a plain girl who catches the attention of a beautiful man who is out of her league only to lose him every single time another woman looks his way… Oh wait, that’s been written! A million times already!

  ‘I still say that he thinks it’s a date,’ Ryan said bluntly, and all heads turned to him. ‘Preppy little shit is probably oiling up his hands real good…’

  Leigh stared at him, aghast. ‘And so what if he is?’ she demanded hotly. ‘Are you the only guy in Niagara Falls who’s allowed to use me for a good time under the pretense of friendship?’

  ‘Use you?’ Ryan pushed his coffee cup out of the way so he could lean toward her aggressively. ‘Look who’s talking!’

  ‘Argh, that’s it!’ Leigh checked her watch again and got to her feet. She still had five minutes until she could expect Bruce to show up, but she knew she’d feel a lot less of a chill out on the windy sidewalk than in Ryan’s company. She turned to Kathryn and tried to apologize with her eyes. ‘I am so sorry- clearly Ryan and I need a time-out and luckily for both of us, I have someone coming to get me now, so we won’t make any more of a scene in front of you than we already have.’ She pressed her hands together in front of her chest. ‘You’re amazing, truly amazing, and I will remember an edited version of this afternoon forever.’ She shot Ryan another dirty look and collected her bag off the ground. ‘But I have to go- now.’ She nodded to Isabelle. ‘Thanks again.’ And then she turned on her heel and stalked out the door, not leaving time for Kathryn to say anything or even look at Leigh in a way that she’d be unable to forget- with pity or annoyance.

  Leigh pushed open the door of the café and strode out onto the sidewalk, her boots clunking against the ground beneath her. The tears were threatening again but she looked up at the sky and blinked them back, knowing she was too stupid to get away with tears of self-pity. Hadn’t she known this was coming?

  ‘Leigh!’ Ryan’s haggard breath rushed to meet her ears from behind her and then he roughly spun her around. ‘What the fuck? Who’s coming for you?’

  ‘Bruce, okay? I called him almost an hour ago, and he’ll be here soon.’

  ‘But why?’ Ryan pulled a packet of cigarettes out of the inside of his jacket and lit one quickly. ‘This is our thing, isn’t it?’

  ‘Because you’re pissed at me! Because you’ve had a rough day and the last thing either of us needs is to be trapped alone in a car together for the trip back to Niagara.’

  ‘Is my company so terrible?’ he asked, exhaling a thin spike of smoke and looking wounded. He ran his free hand through his hair, messing it up. ‘Leigh, I know today has been weird and I’m sorry if I’ve crossed some line again but I don’t want you to take off on me. Why can’t we talk it out?’

  Leigh stared at him, amazed that anyone could swing from one mood to another so seamlessly. ‘Talk about how you think I’m using you? Yeah… sounds like a fun conversation…’

  Please, don’t lose your anger now I need it between us!

  ‘I don’t think that- well, I don’t think I think that.’ Ryan’s anger had vanished from his face, and as he took another drag from his cigarette, anguished blue eyes bored into hers. ‘Leigh I was just…’ he exhaled again. ‘All day I’ve been waiting for something that hasn’t happened and I’m confused and-’

  ‘Well don’t be, because you’re right,’ Leigh said sharply. ‘I am using you.’

  Ryan’s eyes slanted. ‘What?’

  Leigh hugged her handbag to her chest. ‘I have been pretending... I just didn’t see it before.’

  Ryan scowled and flicked his cigarette into the gutter. ‘And now that you know I’m not that Ryan Weaver, you can’t pretend anymore?’

  Leigh’s heart twisted. ‘No,’ she said in a hollow voice. ‘Now that I know how ridiculously wrong this is-’

  ‘Because of the other guy?’ Ryan blew out the rest of his smoke. ‘Were you only able to fool around behind his back, when you could convince yourself that it was all a dream?’

  Leigh’s throat began to constrict around emotion, choking her. ‘Other guy?’ She stepped into Ryan and tugged on his jacket with both hands. ‘Wake up Ry, there is no other guy. The other guy is you.’

  Ryan’s glossy black brows pulled together. ‘What does that even mean?’

  ‘I’m in love with Ryan Weaver,’ the admission burned her throat and tongue. ‘I have been in love with him for a year- which is precisely how long it’s been since I went out with anyone else.’ She released Ryan and stepped back. ‘I haven’t read The Hardest fall a couple of times- I’ve read it dozens of times. And since it came out on audio… I’ve listened to it instead of music every damn day… not because of Kathryn or Kylie or Justin, but because of Ryan. Because he’s my ideal.’

  Ryan had turned white. ‘There’s no ex? No hot boss with a wife and kids?’ Leigh shook her head, and Ryan rubbed his brow. ‘All this time, you’ve been saving yourself for a fucking figment of that woman’s-’ he pointed back to the café, ‘imagination?’

  Leigh nodded and the tears fell free. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered. ‘If I’d thought that I was even capable of hurting you-’

  Ryan barked out a laugh. ‘You wouldn’t have what?’ He stepped toward her, stuffing his hands in his pockets. ‘Spoken to me? Come to apologize? Let me crash in your room…’ he bent his head towards hers. ‘Or lead me to believe that maybe I had a shot in hell?’

  Leigh winced and stepped back. His rage was boiling down to his chances of getting laid after all? And he had the nerve to act like she was the manipulative one?

  ‘I’m so sorry that I gave you the impression that you were stealing a heart you don’t even want,’ she managed to croak out. ‘But maybe now you have an idea of how I felt last night when you were in my arms- and calling out to her again.’

  Ryan reeled back. ‘To who?’

  ‘To HER,’ Leigh said through gritted teeth. ‘The one with the voice of an angel, you said. The one you called baby- the one you swore to return to… THAT her, Ryan.’ Leigh shook her head. ‘Do you have any idea how I would have felt if I’d slept with you before hearing that? I can’t even…’ Leigh’s heart popped like a burst bubble, just remembering.

  ‘That’s why you left me this morning?’ he asked, looking stricken. ‘Because of my fucking dreams?’

  ‘To protect myself,’ Leigh affirmed, and then a car tooted and she looked up and saw a late-model BMW slow to a halt beside them. ‘Like I’m doing right now- by going out with Bruce and getting some distance from you.’

  The door to the café opened and Isabelle stuck her head out. ‘Hey Ryan… Kathryn and I are going to head off now. You keen to come along still?’ She winked at him. ‘I swear, you won’t regret it!’

  Leigh’s muscles coiled around her jealousy so violently that it pushed bile into her throat.

  ‘Um yeah… give me a few minutes, kay?’ Ryan replied, not tearing his eyes off Leigh.

  ‘Take as long as you need beautiful… we’ll be waiting.’ Over Ryan’s shoulder, Isabelle winked at Leigh and then shut the door, and Leigh wanted to burst into tears.

  Argh! He’s going home with them! Oh my god! And it’s all my fault!

  ‘You’re looking a little green there, honeybee,’ Ryan taunted her, rubbing his thumb over his bottom lip. ‘But I wonder, are you jealous because they get me, or because I get more time with your precious boyfriend-creator?’

  Leigh hoisted her bag on her shoulder. ‘Well, you may as well get something out of this little adventure, right? You can bet your ass that you’re not going to get laid with me, so you may as well go have a threesome amongst a bunch of vintage guitars!’

  Ryan shot Bruce a hateful look through the windscreen and then slid it to her. ‘If she’d said that I was her muse and not a coincidence, would you care enough to stop me?’

  It was like being punched in the stomach. ‘If I’d slept with you last night, would you give a flying fuck who I spent time with today?�
��

  Ryan’s face clouded over. ‘Go, Leigh- before I say something we’ll both regret.’

  Leigh tore her face from hers, hearing him beg for his ‘baby’ to wait for him again and whispered: ‘Too late.’ But the traffic absorbed her words without even slightly alleviating the pain.

  Ryan

  Ryan didn’t have a shot in trying to cover up his heartbreak when he walked back into the café, but Kathryn was on her computer when he made it back to their table, and didn’t look up before saying:

  ‘I was just remembering the few reviews I’ve gotten over the past six months about the book, that mention knowing a guy just like Ryan and thought… what if one of them actually knows you?’ She leaned closer to her computer. ‘I mean, it’s a small world, isn’t it? I’m checking the Aussie amazon site first…. Figured it would increase the odds of finding an old neighbor of yours or whatever…’

  ‘Oh,’ Ryan wiped at his wet eyes and prayed that his voice wouldn’t break and make him look like a big pussy. ‘Thanks…but you really don’t have to do that.’

  ‘I want to. I feel awful, knowing that you’ve been hoping for days that I’d be able to breech the whole amnesia shield and then going away empty-handed.’

  Ryan wanted to admit that the only loss he was feeling was the loss of Leigh’s smile, but he swallowed the words down and lifted his coffee cup to drain it instead. ‘Mmm…’

  She’s not into me- she was pretending all along. You can’t lose what you never have and she’s right- you can’t blame her for putting up a shield when you’ve got some bullshit true love shield between your heart and the rest of the world… but if she doesn’t like me for me, then why do my dreams even bug her?

  Isabelle had been putting her phone and keys away in her bag, but now she looked up at Ryan with a knowing smile. ‘You hanging in there, buddy?’

  He grimaced at her. ‘The honeybee stings a lot harder than you’d think…’ he swallowed the last of his coffee and put the cup down. ‘And no, I’m not all right, so if it’s okay with you guys, I’ll take a pass on the guitar collection today. I sort of want to go home and drink a bottle of Jack and pray there’s an antidote to her venom at the bottom of it.’

  And then track down Leigh and Bruce, kill him and duct-tape her to my bed until she loves THIS slightly kinky Ryan! Fuck? Have I ruined every shot I had? Did I ever have one?

  Isabelle smiled knowingly. ‘I figured as much.’

  ‘You did?’

  Isabelle nodded, tapping lip-gloss onto her already perfect mouth. ‘I didn’t think you’d come back with us, but I can guarantee you that she won’t be able to breathe past her jealousy until you’re in her sights again…’

  Ryan’s mouth fell open. ‘You yelled that out to make her jealous?’

  ‘Of course. I’m a writer’s muse, sweet Ryan- I know what makes women tick or, in this case, twitch.’ She danced her eyebrows for him. ‘You can thank me later, when she ends her date twenty minutes into it to hunt you down and check you over for lipstick on the collar.’

  Ryan gaped at her while Kathryn chuckled. ‘You are truly evil, Miss Isabelle. If you’re twisted plots didn’t inspire me so, I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night knowing that you’re under the same roof as me!’

  ‘You think she’s jealous?’ Ryan repeated. ‘For real?’

  ‘She’s in love with you.’ Kathryn looked up them and smiled warmly. ‘Madly, deeply, unconditionally-didn’t-take-her-eyes-off-you-hashtag-lost-to-the-world-obsessed.’

  ‘No she’s not,’ Ryan scowled at her. ‘She just came out and admitted that she’s into the fantasy- it’s your Ryan she wants.’

  ‘You mean, the guy she swears you’re exactly like?’ Isabelle demanded gently.

  Ryan shook his head. ‘There are a few differences...’

  ‘Not that I can see. And did you just refer to her as ‘Honeybee’?’ Kathryn asked, and Ryan nodded. ‘Why?’

  ‘That’s her blog name or whatever.’

  A radiant smile slid across Kathryn’s face, and she turned it to Isabelle. ‘Do you remember that review I got a few weeks after the book came out? The one I printed and framed?’

  Isabelle nodded, sliding her arms into her jacket. ‘Yeah… why?’

  ‘It was written by an Aussie reviewer- one who goes by the name ‘Honeybee’ on Amazon.’ She turned her computer so Ryan could read the screen. ‘Read this, and tell me if you recognize either of you in these words, okay?’

  Ryan knelt before the screen. ‘One hundred and forty-eight people found this review helpful?’ he recited, stunned.

  ‘It was my first, best review and has remained the top rated one- even on the international sites.’ Kathryn chuckled. ‘I wish I’d known who she was while she was still here- I owe so much of my success to that woman! Not only did she get people interested, but she writes beautifully too- I’ve actually been quite jealous of her eloquence this whole time.’

  ‘Yeah, she beat out that awful chick with the one-star rating and the potty mouth, thank god…’ Isabelle muttered, but Ryan barely heard her- the title above the review ‘Honey to the bee, that’s Ryan for me’ had him riveted.

  Oh my god… this is her! The mother reference! The honeybee thing… and that’s me, isn’t it?

  As Ryan read, he felt his pulse quicken and his heart swell to three times its size and by the time he was finished, actual tears were rolling down his face. When he was done, he rocked back on his haunches, cupped his head in his hands and gaped at the writer as euphoria sluiced through his veins, paralyzing him.

  ‘So… I’ll take thunderbolt moments for two hundred?’ Kathryn teased.

  ‘I have to go,’ he managed to croak, and Isabelle grinned and handed him her keys. ‘She loves me.’

  ‘Fuckin-A,’ Kathryn said. ‘And you two just gave me my sequel.’

  Ryan got to his feet and raced to the door- to the future he couldn’t live another five seconds without.

  Honey To The Bee- that’s Ryan for me!

  I’m in love with Ryan Weaver.

  I’m not even joking. I wish I were, because if I was, I’d be able to sleep at night. I’d be able to accept dates from handsome men with my mother’s pre-approval, and I’d be able to dream of joint bank accounts, white picket fences and children with another man’s eyes.

  But there’s no pointing in me imaging a future anymore, because my dream man has been presented to me and I know that no one else will ever compare so I’ve told my mum and dad to put my wedding fund towards a retirement home and told all of my girlfriends to stop hypothetically arguing over who will get to be my maid-of honour, because there’s not going to be a big day for this little honeybee.

  And the funny thing is that I’m not even sad. I don’t know how many girls have fallen head over heels with a fictional character before, but I know I can’t be the only one and I stand by them proudly and declare: I will not settle for anything less!

  I could go on about The Hardest Fall, and how it changed my life- how it ripped out my heart then showed it to me before I died; how fantastically talented the author is and how creative she is… but it’s all moot. It’s Ryan I want to talk about. Ryan I think about, and Ryan who has hijacked every train of thought I’ve ever have and could have again.

  It’s not just that he’s beautiful, though he is so delicious that every word used to describe him practically shimmers on the page, and it’s not just that he’s sweet and kind and funny and sexy and witty and oh my GOD did someone turn up the heat in here?!

  No, all of those things count, but it’s the little things that have stolen my heart: he knows that he’s beautiful and yet he credits the brightness of his smile and the shine in his eyes to her, like he’d fade without her attention. It’s the way that, even when he’s mad at her and so jealous that he can barely see straight, that he refuses to part ways with her because she’d rather be hurt by her, than not be around her at all. It’s the way he plans out his seductions and tells her straight u
p what he’s going to do to her and makes her wait for it. It’s the way he ties her up so that he can pleasure her, but releases her once she’s taken care of so that she won’t for a second; feel bound to return the favor. It’s the way he listens to old-fashioned music for the heart, but rocks it for his soul. It’s the way he does every little thing he can to prove that he loves her- whether it be to humour her by adopting the stray dog she felt sorry for, instead of the purebred he set out to buy, or putting her sugar in her coffee for her. It’s the way he can act like a rock-god but keep his house as neat as a pin and romantic too, and it’s the way he throws ridiculous tantrums and then shuffles in after, all embarrassed and needing to be around her, even though he’s still hurt or pissed, and it’s the way he never, ever lets her out of his sight if he can help it, unless it’s clear that she needs to be alone and then, he accommodates those wishes too.

  Ryan loves Kylie more than he loves himself. No one in the world loves anyone more than they love themselves, unless it’s their kid or something, but he does. I know people are going to be hurt by the ending, and don’t get me wrong- it shattered me. But I’ve made my peace with it because Ryan was more than a third of a love triangle in this story- he was the heart. He was the beauty. He was more important than the protagonists, and if I’m ever lucky enough to find a man like him, and learn of him making a similar sacrifice for me, well, I’d end our story by going over the falls after him, because I’d love him the way he needed to be loved.

  Kylie couldn’t. She was wonderful, as was Justin, but neither were worthy of him in the end. I’m so happy that they get to be together, and that I get to comfort myself in the knowledge that I’ve found my soul mate, even if I never get to feel his arms around me.

  Thank you, Kathryn Praser for giving me Ryan. I’ll keep him safe in my heart forever!

  Six

  Naturally, Bruce was busting to know every sordid detail concerning Leigh’s argument with Ryan, but she begged for stay of execution and so, for the duration of the drive home, Bruce regaled her with excerpts from his relationship with Paisley, not only filling the awkward silence, but also making Leigh feel like less of a drama magnet by comparison.