A long time, but he’d been too blind to see it. He didn’t blame Shawn for looking confused.
“I didn’t understand the way I felt about you. You were my best friend within days of you joining the team. One of the most important people in my life.” He took a deep breath, his cheeks heating as he considered the one time, early on, that he’d looked at Shawn differently. “You know I never got hard in the locker room. I never got turned on by the other guys, I considered myself straight. Totally straight. The idea of being anything else freaked me out. But you…”
Turning in his arms, back against the window, Shawn inclined his head. “Go on.”
“Look, I don’t have a problem with gay guys. I mean, maybe when I was a dumb kid, but I learned real quick that my grandmother was wrong, you know? So with the team, I saw everyone the same. If they checked out my ass, whatever. So long as they didn’t touch me.” Ian lifted his shoulders. He could still picture that day. He could feel someone watching him as he washed up after an intense practice.
After rinsing the soap off his face, he’d glanced over his shoulder to see Shawn, giving him an appreciative once over. Shawn didn’t try to hide it either. He’d winked, then strode out of the showers like nothing had happened.
Fuck, Ian had turned the shower cold so fast, he was pretty sure his balls were gonna shrivel up and die. And his dick hadn’t gotten the message for a long time. He’d stayed in the shower until it went soft, shivering as he returned to the locker room.
“You did things to me, and it freaked me out. I didn’t know how I should feel, so I tried to keep things ‘normal’. Our friendship had to be enough, because I wasn’t like you. I couldn’t be. I dated different chicks, had meaningless sex, and refused to even consider…” He bowed his head. “I stuck to what I thought I was supposed to feel. I’m good at that.”
“Am I the first guy you ever got turned on by?” Shawn brushed his fingers through Ian’s hair, tugging lightly until Ian looked up. His eyes held so much compassion. The same compassion he’d always shown Ian, no matter how messed up he was. “You say you’re ‘good at that’, but I know you’re attracted to women.”
He was, but not all the chicks he’d been with had done anything for him. He shrugged. “I used to look at a lot of sports magazines. My grandmother cried when I was little and I told her I thought Shawn Michaels was hot.”
“The wrestler?”
“Yeah.”
“You have good taste.” Shawn closed the distance between them, brushing a soft kiss over Ian’s lips. “You were conditioned to ignore part of who you are. It happens, but I’m glad you feel comfortable exploring it now.”
Ian laughed, even though his throat tightened a bit. “I am, but it’s going to be rough. My grandmother liked Sam. She once told her priest that she was worried about me, because I was slow and easily confused. A boy I knew was trans…he—she had a lot of trouble in school, and I stuck up for her. She was beautiful, and I wanted to date her, but grandma grounded me and started making me go to church every day. I swore to her I only like real girls. I didn’t want her to hate me.”
Shawn smiled. “Now that is interesting. You’re likely pansexual, like your favorite superhero. Which is fucking hot.”
“It is?”
“Mmmhmm. And now I have so many plans for you. You’ll be mine, but we’re going to have so much fun.”
The hungry look in Shawn’s eyes made Ian’s dick harden in the confines of his jeans. Here he was, hoping honesty would prove he really was okay with a real relationship with the man, and Shawn was plotting out some kind of erotic game.
Not a bad thing, he knew how Shawn’s mind worked, but he wanted the man to himself for a little while at least. Sharing with Justina was one thing. Knowing that Shawn had been beaten by the last person he’d let close had Ian wanting to put up some massive walls around the three of them.
“Is it…like, can the rest wait? I don’t feel like I need more than what we have.” Ian wished he could be clearer. Shawn was smart. He could make anything make sense, but Ian always felt like an idiot talking about this kinda stuff. “Like, Justina is fine, but anyone else…” Where was Justina? Ian looked over at the sofa, surprised that she wasn’t still there.
“She slipped out when we started talking. My girl is very thoughtful.” Shawn grinned, sniffing and letting out a sound of pleasure that went straight to Ian’s balls. “I do believe she’s making lunch.”
“Oh…” Ian swallowed hard, half his mind in the gutter, considering all the things he could do to Shawn while they were alone, the other half still snarling about Shawn being hurt. It was too soon to even go there. “Maybe I should help her.”
“Maybe you should stay here and help me forget.” The slightest twitch of his lips was the only clue that Shawn was still raw over what he’d gone through. “Fuck me, Ian. Fuck me so I can feel you, instead of him.”
The words cut deep, like a dull knife piercing his chest, over and over again. His throat tightened to the point breathing became difficult.
“Shawn, did he—”
“No! For fuck’s sakes, I let him fuck me. It’s just sex! Why the fuck do people keep assuming the worst?” Shawn jerked away from him, walking over to the living room table, pressing his hands against it. “I’ve let a lot of people fuck me. Does that change how you feel about me?”
Moving closer to Shawn, Ian put a hand on his tense shoulder, careful to keep his tone level. “No, it doesn’t. But I’ve seen how you negotiate at the club. How you manage new Doms and subs as a Dungeon Monitor. You ask the hard questions. You don’t accept a ‘yes’ that’s forced.”
“It wasn’t.”
“So you didn’t let him fuck you so he would go away?”
A choked sound escaped Shawn. He swayed, lifting a hand up to cover his face. “I wanted him gone. I didn’t…I didn’t want to… Damn it, Ian, I swore I’d never let anyone hurt me like that again. But I did. I let him so it would be over with. “
“Shawn, I love you. I love you, and I hate what he did to you. But if you said yes because you were alone and…” Ian’s vision blurred. Shawn had been alone because of him. “When you’re ready, you need to talk about this. I won’t force you to, but I think you need to.”
Letting out a rough laugh, Shawn straightened. “So is that how it’s going to be? You won’t fuck me because of what he did?”
“I won’t fuck you because I’m afraid he hurt you more than you’re willing to admit. But I’ll do anything else you ask of me. I’ll do my best to help you forget for now.”
“Okay.” Shawn pushed off the table. “Then I need one thing.”
“Name it.”
“I…” Shawn shook his head and laughed again. “This is going to sound ridiculous, but he said I was dirty. I feel dirty. I’ve taken so many showers, I lost count. I think Justina was worried, but she’s afraid to say anything. I wanted to shave, but my fucking hand was shaking…”
Ian took Shawn’s hand in his and nodded. “Take a shower with me. I wanna see if you look at me the same way you did that first time.”
“Keep talking like that and I’m going to fuck you, Bruiser.”
Smirking, Ian pulled off his shirt and tossed it in Shawn’s face. This he could do. He could see the strong, sexy, irrepressible man he’d fallen in love with hadn’t gone far. He loved the vulnerable, wounded man just as much, but he suspected Shawn would fight to regain his strength as quickly as possible. And he was willing to help him in any way possible.
“That’s the plan, Easy.” Ian undid his jeans, pulling his belt free and letting it hit the floor before heading to the bathroom. “You coming?”
Chapter 36
By the time Shawn reached the bathroom, the shower had already filled it with steam. Standing naked by the bathroom counter, Ian held up a razor and pointed to the toilet, which he’d covered with a thick, dark blue towel.
“Sit.”
Eyes on Ian’s hard length, Shawn sat, lickin
g his lips. Fuck, his man was hot. All those thick, tight muscles. The hair, unruly and wild, much like the man. The golden-brown hued curls on his chest and stomach formed a messy arrow pointing down to his thick, fully erect cock. Standing proud, with veins lining the hard length, pubes short on his heavy balls from the last time Shawn had shaved him.
There was no way Shawn could keep his hands to himself as Ian held a hot, damp cloth to his face. The reasons Ian was being so careful with him were easily forgotten as Shawn slid his hand over Ian’s cock.
Ian groaned. “Damn it, man. You’re going to make this hard, aren’t you?”
“Not sure it can get much harder, but I’d like to find out.” Shawn bent forward, flicking his tongue over the hot, dark red head of Ian’s dick. “Fuck, I miss this dick.”
Curving his hand under Shawn’s jaw, Ian frowned down at him. “I’m up here, buddy. And you’re not distracting me.”
“Aren’t I?”
“You’re trying, but if you’ve taught me anything, it’s the difference between ‘need’ and ‘want’.” Ian gave him a crooked smile as he filled his hand with shaving cream, then smeared it over Shawn’s cheeks. “You want my dick in your mouth. And I want to feel your fucking hot lips around it. But we both need this scruff gone. My thighs were all raw the last time you rubbed your face between them. Kinda sucked.”
They really needed to start sharing more details like that. Shawn’s eyes narrowed as he held still while Ian ran the razor over his cheek. “Is there a reason you didn’t tell me?”
“Yes. I was distracted by a girl who lied to me every chance she got.” Ian went still, pressing his eyes shut. “I was stupid. Can we not talk about that?”
“If you can agree that I will find a fitting punishment for any time you call yourself stupid?” Shawn raised his hand to Ian’s balls, squeezing just hard enough to get his point across. He lightened his grip at Ian’s quick nod. “The conversation can wait.”
“Okay.” Ian inhaled roughly, continuing to carefully shave Shawn’s face. “But…can I suck your dick this time? Not because I’m lost in the moment and tied up and following orders. Just because I want to make you feel good?”
Damn, I love this man. Shawn grinned, lifting his chin, not moving until Ian finished cleaning the hair from his throat. “I have absolutely no problem with you sucking my dick.”
“Good.” Ian smoothed his wet fingers over Shawn’s cheeks, then nodded with a satisfied smile. “Now get in the shower.”
“May I get undressed first? These pants are Tom Ford.”
Ian glared at him. “Why the fuck are you wearing his pants?”
Shawn choked back a laugh. “It’s a clothing brand, man of mine. And I’m wearing them because I’m a bitch with incredible fashion sense.”
Blinking at him, Ian cocked his head. “You’re fucking weird, you know that?”
“I’m aware.” Shawn gave Ian a hooded look as he undid his belt, then his pants, letting both hit the floor. “It’s one of the many things you love about me.”
Stepping into the shower, Shawn tipped his head back under the spray, enjoying the way the hot water sluiced across his skin. He sensed Ian close to him. Then the man’s lips sliding over his dick.
The pleasure was pure, sinful decadence. Even better without the games, without wondering if he’d manipulated Ian to get what he wanted from him. Ian was on his knees for him because he wanted to be there. And his mouth felt like heaven.
“Fuck, that feels amazing.” Shawn stroked his hand over Ian’s wet hair, moving his hips slowly, the slick pressure of Ian’s lips wrapped around his dick bringing him to the edge of release after a few moments. He drew away, crooking his finger at Ian when the man tipped his head back, looking confused. “You tempted me with something I haven’t had, Bärchen. Have you changed your mind?”
Tonguing his bottom lip, Ian rose slowly, shaking his head. “No, but…”
“You’re contradicting yourself.”
“Huh?”
Explaining the ‘No butt’ would spoil the mood. And make Ian feel stupid, which was the last thing Shawn wanted. He was trying to keep things light, so Ian wouldn’t be nervous. And yet, this was new for the man. He rested his forearms on Ian’s shoulders.
“I’m sorry, I’m teasing. I want you, Ian. I need to feel you around me.” He smoothed Ian’s hair away from his face. “I’m not sure this is the best place for your first time.”
“It’s not my… Ah, right. It is.” Ian ducked his head, and his hair fell in wet strands over his face again. “I need it to be here. Or in the locker room, but I don’t think they’ll let us in to…”
“They might. I’m not that patient though.” Shawn ran his hands down Ian’s back, cupping his ass and pulling his hips forward so their solid lengths pressed together. “Tell me why you need it to be here.”
Ian’s lips parted. He lifted his lips to Shawn’s, his kiss hot and wet, sweetened with desire and desperation. “Because if I’d just admitted how I felt about you then, I wouldn’t have wasted so much time.”
“The time wasn’t wasted, Ian.” Shawn flicked his tongue over Ian’s bottom lip. “You used it to become the man who owns my heart.”
“And Justina?”
“Will never be a man.” Shawn chuckled when Ian sighed. “I’m sorry, I’ll stop. Justina is the one who sidestepped all my walls, ignored all the warnings, and accepted me. She has my heart, my soul, and I’ve only loved one other person as much as I love her.”
“Me?”
“Yes.” Shawn lowered his lips to Ian’s throat, moving against him as he bit and sucked, eager to show Ian, with more than words, how fucking vital he was to him. “You.”
Ian’s pulse pounded as he watched Shawn step out of the shower and reach into a drawer, taking out a condom and a bottle of lube that had the words ‘Real Feel’ written on it. He was starting to understand why Shawn had been joking around before. The teasing made it easier to enjoy each moment without worrying what came next.
Now, he couldn’t avoid worrying. He wasn’t afraid of the pain, but he was terrified of what this would mean for their relationship. Shawn had been in control before, and yet, he’d always bottomed. Which didn’t make him seem any weaker, but he was…well, Easy.
He could make anything look strong and sexy. Even owning a little dog named after a flower.
Ian wasn’t like him. Hell, he’d never been all that great at casual sex. He’d always felt shitty after. Like, if it meant nothing, what was the point? Because it felt good? Jerking off felt good too, and no one got hurt.
‘Don’t fall in love with me or anything, Bruiser. I’ll break your heart.’
Things had changed. He didn’t believe Shawn’s speech applied to him anymore, but…damn it, what if this was the one last thing Shawn wanted? What if, after he got it, he realized Ian wasn’t worth more than great sex? What else did Ian actually have to offer?
“Bruiser, look at me.” Shawn stepped back into the shower, setting the lube and the condom on the shelf, then curving his hand under Ian’s jaw. “You don’t have to do this.”
Staring at the bruises on Shawn’s face, Ian swallowed hard, regret clawing deep into his chest. The man needed something uncomplicated. Something to help him forget. Which Ian could give him. Wanted to give him.
“I know I don’t have to. But I will.”
Shawn arched a brow. “We’ll see. How about you tell me what’s bothering you first.”
Inhaling the steamy air, Ian forced himself to meet Shawn’s eyes. “You told me not to fall in love with you. And I did. I’m good with sharing you, to a point. I get that you need your freedom. But…” He shook his head, searching for the right words. “But I need this all to mean more. I don’t want to be one of your conquests, and I don’t really believe I am. I don’t know why I’m even thinking it.”
“Because my track record has given you every reason to.”
“Yes, but you didn’t tell any of the others that
you loved them.”
“True, but those are words, Ian. Shit has been rough between us, and that’s not going to go away overnight.” Shawn brushed his knuckles down Ian’s chest. “If I was a good, patient man, I’d give you some space. Find another way to prove I’m in it for the long run. Instead, I’m going to take everything you can give me. And spend every fucking day making sure I deserve your trust.”
They might be just words, but hearing Shawn say them shoved all Ian’s fears aside. He was here. Now. Where he’d been headed before he’d gotten so damn lost.
“I trust you.” Ian pressed his eyes shut as Shawn’s hand wrapped around his dick. “Hell, I let you take a blade to my balls. I’m much fonder of them than my ass.”
“Oh yeah?” Shawn chuckled, bringing his hand down to cup Ian’s balls. “They’re nice, but this ass?” His hand glided along Ian’s hip. Curved over one ass cheek. Shawn groaned as he squeezed and Ian’s breath caught in his throat. “Do you know how fucking hot your ass is?”
No, but I’m glad you think so. Ian’s cheeks heated. “You gonna do more than talk about it?”
Shawn barked out a laugh. “Damn right I am. Turn around, Ian. Brace your hands on the wall.”
Taking a deep breath, Ian faced the wall, planting his hands firmly against it. His whole body jerked as he felt Shawn’s fingers slide between his ass cheeks. Then he felt Shawn’s breath at the base of his spine. His hands holding him open.
“Oh fuck!” Ian pressed his forehead against the wall, panting as Shawn’s tongue circled his tight hole. The sensation was strange, like nothing he’d ever felt, but he didn’t want it to stop. A little pressure and Shawn’s tongue penetrated him. “God, that’s good. That’s so fucking good.”
Slicking him up with spit, Shawn thrust his tongue in, licking, then turning his head to bite Ian’s ass. The sharp pain intensified everything, and Ian struggled not to pump his hips as Shawn used his tongue to tease him. And it was a tease. He needed more.
One finger eased into him as Shawn bit him again.
Line Brawl: The Dartmouth Cobras #8 Page 42