Saving Ever After (Ever After #4)

by Stephanie Hoffman McManus

  I rarely bothered to show up to class. I was just waiting for the letter that would tell me I was being tossed out because of my “incidents.” I’d been informed that the school was going to have a hearing. I didn’t bother to show up to that either. Didn’t really want to hear what a bunch of people who didn’t even know me had to say.

  The one thing I did do was party. A lot. With Jillian. Without Jillian. It didn’t matter. I made sure to stay away from ass faces, Leland and Derek, but nothing else got in the way of me shutting everything else out with a nice buzz. I got wasted almost every night, not to the point that I was going to have a repeat hospital visit, but just enough that I didn’t have to think. About anything. Because thinking hurt, and I was just so damn tired of hurting.

  But even the copious amounts of alcohol didn’t help for long. Eventually I would start to sober up and I would find myself sobbing on a random bathroom floor, praying for it all to stop. The pain, the regret, the shame, the guilt, the failure, the anger, the self-hatred, missing Chris, both of them, missing my sister, my parents. I just wanted it all to stop, and I was so scared that I wouldn’t be able to stop any of it, that everything was just going to get worse. I didn’t see a way out. So I drank more, until I found something that worked better at keeping those thoughts at bay.

  One of the nights I was with Jillian, I stumbled into that back room again where the only friends I had left in the world were sitting around that glass coffee table with the white powder. This time when they beckoned to me, I didn’t turn and leave.

  The high. It was like nothing I’d ever experienced. It was a little bit scary at first. The way my body reacted freaked me out, but what I loved was that I didn’t feel any of those awful things when I was high. The world was better when I was high. I was better when I was high.

  Coming down from the high was something else entirely. I felt overly anxious and moodier than ever. I would be left feeling lower than before, unable to sleep or focus on anything besides the depression. I didn’t like coming down.

  So I kept getting high, every chance I got for weeks. Weeks that slipped by in a rush like sand falling through the cracks of my fingers. I couldn’t hang on to the days, or anything. I stopped going to class altogether, knowing that my time was almost up. I told so many lies to keep everyone from seeing just how far gone I was. I emailed my dad that I didn’t want to go home for Christmas break because I’d been invited to spend it with Jillian’s family. Kris tried to confront me a couple more times, but I always made up excuses to get away from him. I finally had to text Sadie back to stop her from continuing to show up at my dorm. I told her I was overwhelmed with studying and we could talk after finals, but that I was doing alright. That was maybe the biggest lie. I was so far from alright, and eventually it was all too much.

  The crashing, and waking up feeling worse than I had before, got to be too much. I didn’t even recognize myself in the mirror anymore. I didn’t know who I was and that terrified me. What terrified me more was what I might do or try when the coke stopped being enough to chase away the ugliness for even just a few moments.

  In truth, it never went away, instead the ugly black pit inside of me that threatened to consume me, just grew. The cocaine only fed it, giving me one more reason to call myself weak and pathetic. It was just one more thing to hate about myself.

  The day I actually contemplated ending it all was the day I knew I had to stop. The smallest part of me kept saying that there had to be something more, that I could get past this. That part of me didn’t want to die.

  I decided I would never touch that shit again. That was also the day I was surprised by a knock on my door. I expected it to be Jillian and prepared myself to give her an excuse for why I couldn’t go get high with her. Only it wasn’t Jillian. It wasn’t Sadie either, even though she’d continued to call and text and leave messages and try to come by, in her attempt to get through to me. None of it had worked. I knew she had finally given up, but still, the person at my door was the last person I expected to see when I opened it. When I did, I wanted to curl up and die in my shame rather than endure his scrutiny.

  Chapter 27

  Chris

  The door to Mia’s room opened, but the girl that stood before me couldn’t be Mia. The girl I saw was a shell. There was no life in her eyes rimmed with dark circles. They were hollow except for the insecurity in them. Her skin was ashen, lacking the glow that used to be there. The bones in her cheeks, wrists and elbows seemed more prominent. She’d lost weight that she couldn’t afford to lose, and I’d wager that she’d lost a lot of sleep too in the past month. I could not accept that this was Mia. It had been a month since I’d seen her. A month since that night, but she looked like she’d had years dumped on her.

  She seemed to shrink from my gaze, wrapping her arms around her stomach. Her eyes darted anywhere and everywhere but to me. I wanted to ask, “What happened to you?” I wanted to take her in my arms and protect her from whatever was draining the life right out of her.

  “Can I come in?” I asked instead. She didn’t speak, but stepped to the side for me to pass, and then she closed the door behind me. I took in her room for the second time. The first had been when we picked her up on the way to the airport. I’d hardly seen more than a glimpse that day. It was neat and tidy except for a few items of clothing strewn about. It was a large room, attached to its own bathroom, and I could see the touches of Mia in the décor. A girly bedspread, the small pink couch with fancy throw pillows, a colorful throw rug. They all fit. What didn’t were the dark, drawn curtains blocking out the sunlight and bathing the room in a gloomy dimness, the overturned pictures and empty spaces on the wall where she’d torn down whatever used to hang there, and the almost stale smell that permeated the air. I could feel her sadness in the room like it had a physical presence.

  There wasn’t a single light on. The TV wasn’t even turned on. Her computer wasn’t lit up and there was a pile of unopened mail on her desk. There was no stack of books or papers on her coffee table to indicate studying, not that she could in this lighting. The only sign of life was the rumpled bed. Had she still been in bed? It was possible given her current state of dress, baggy sweatpants that probably didn’t used to be so baggy and a tank top that hung loose on her bony frame.

  I felt like I needed a Prozac after being in her room for two minutes. What I’d come here to say shouldn’t have taken longer than that, but now, seeing her, I wanted to crumple the letter in my hand. Instead I shoved it into my pocket and turned back to look at her. “Put some shoes on, we’re going somewhere.”

  She stared back at me blankly. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Yes, you are. If I have to throw you over my damn shoulder, you’re getting out of this fucking pit of despair for a little while. So put some damn shoes on or you can go barefoot, and since there’s a foot and a half of snow outside right now, I wouldn’t recommend it.”

  “Where are we going?” She still made no move to put shoes on.

  “Out.”

  She stared at me a minute longer. I could see her silently debating whether or not it was worth it to argue with me, but I just stared right back. She must have decided it wasn’t, because she finally sighed and walked over to her closet, pulling out a pair of sheepskin lined boots and shoving her feet into them. She also pulled out a scarf and wrapped it around her neck before tugging on a heavy jacket.

  “Fine let’s go.”

  I wasn’t sure where I was taking her, I just knew I couldn’t stay in that depressing room a minute longer and I couldn’t leave her in there either. We got in my car and just drove. I turned the music on softly and neither of us spoke. There was so much I wanted to say, but I could sense how nervous and anxious Mia was. The last time she’d been in my car, well the last time she’d been conscious in my car, I’d yelled at her. A part of me still wanted to yell at her some more for what she’d clearly been doing to herself. I wasn’t an idiot. I’d been around addicts my fair
share in the music world. I knew she was using something.

  I wanted to yell at her for pushing Sadie and everyone away, for refusing to get help. I wanted to yell at her for the letter I snagged out of Ace’s mailbox before Sadie could see it. Mostly, I just wanted to understand. Beyond the anger I felt, beyond the concern and worry, was this crushing and devastating sorrow for the girl in the seat next to me. The one who’d worked her way so completely inside of me that I couldn’t let her go no matter how hard I’d tried to do that the past month.

  I wanted the girl who’d become my friend and so more than that, even though I hadn’t seen it at first. The one who teased and played pranks, started water fights she couldn’t finish. The one who could kick my ass at every video game out there. I wanted the beautiful girl who smiled at me for no reason when she didn’t think I could see it. I wanted the silly girl who still jumped on the bed and sang horribly but unashamedly. I wanted the girl who’d let down all her walls with me and let me see the real her, because that girl was mine. That was my Mia, and I wanted her back.

  I hadn’t fully realized until now how much I’d missed her, but that girl wasn’t in the car with me. I didn’t know where she’d gone, but I knew I wasn’t taking her home until I was sure that she was still in there somewhere.

  I ended up driving us down by the harbor and Piers Park. I doubted that today of all days there would be very many people out there, so it seemed as good a place as any to stop and get out. For a moment, I doubted if Mia was going to get out and follow me, but I kept on walking toward the water and the promenade. Eventually I heard her door open and then slam shut. She caught up with me quickly, and then we walked quietly, side by side, along the water.

  It was almost nice, like I could pretend there wasn’t all this tension between us and that it was like the day we’d hiked the reservation. Even with all the turmoil swirling inside of me, there was something peaceful about just being near her, but every time I would turn my head to look at her, I was struck once again by the drastic difference in her appearance from that day. Her shoulders sagged as if a giant weight rested on them, and there was a heaviness in her heart that showed on her face and in her tired steps.

  I walked over to the edge of the snow covered pathway, resting my hands on the cold railing that separated it from the water just below. From this spot there was a perfect view of the Boston skyline, and although it was just across the water, it felt a world away from our quiet little spot. Mia came to rest beside me, and I turned to look at her.

  “Mia, do you even realize that today is Christmas Eve?”

  I could tell that it had caught her off guard, but she tried to hide it. “Of course.”

  I blew out a heavy breath, “Why do I get the feeling that until I just told you, you didn’t?”

  “Of course I know it’s Christmas Eve, I mean I knew it was this week, I guess the days just went by faster and it slipped my mind when I woke up this morning. I’ve been busy lately.”

  “I can imagine, what with finals just having been last week. I’m sure you had a lot of work and studying in your classes.”

  “Yeah. Finals. They were a killer.”

  “I find it funny that you would know that Mia, when the letter that came in the mail yesterday said you didn’t even show up for finals, or the hearings they held, and that on top of your code of conduct violations, you missed so many classes that you failed all of your courses. It said some other things too.”

  She continued to stare out over the water for a few minutes and I just watched her, until she finally turned to face me with a hardened expression. “So is this why you brought me here? To lecture me again, to tell me how badly I screwed up, how I blew it and I’m a failure? Thanks, but I’ll save you the trouble. I already know.” By that last part her voice had started to break and her lips trembled as the tears built behind her eyes.

  “No Mia, that’s not why I brought you here.”

  “Then why?”

  “Because what I saw when you opened the door today scared me. You’re not okay Mia. I can see that, hell anyone who looks at you can see that. You need help. You’ve got Sadie even if you’ve done nothing but try to push her away, she’s still there for you, and I’m right here.” I took her hand. “So please talk to me. You’re not alone.”

  I watched her break, saw the moment that it happened, that the wall she’d put up to protect herself crumbled. The tears started flowing and her whole body was wracked with deep, painful cries. I threw my arms around her shoulders, pulling her head into my chest and holding her there. She clung to my shirt with her hands as she tried to bury her sobs in it. Every single cry, every single tear I felt drenching my shirt, wrecked me. Mia wasn’t just broken, but she was breaking apart right there in my arms. I pulled her over to the bench a few feet away from where we stood, and I sat, tugging her down beside me, but never letting go of her.

  I held her until her tortured sobs turned into quiet sniffles. Her body still shook and her chest heaved with each deep breath she pulled in, but eventually she lifted her head and scooted away from me. Her puffy, red eyes wouldn’t meet mine and I knew I was witnessing her emotional retreat. “I’m sorry for all that,” she sniffed.

  “Don’t be sorry for that. You needed it, and you need to let go of whatever weight is pulling you down before it kills you, Mia.”

  “I don’t know what to do,” she choked out in anguish. “I messed up so bad.”

  “Talk to me,” I pleaded. I wanted, needed, to help her, but I couldn’t if she wouldn’t let me.

  “Please don’t leave me alone,” she cried. “Please don’t leave me alone. I’m so scared. I can’t stop this. I tried, I swear I tried. I never wanted to be this,” she spit out with so much self-loathing. “I can’t help it. All I do is screw up, and oh God, I’ve screwed up so bad this time.”

  I rubbed my hand up and down her back, softly soothing her. “It’s okay, I won’t leave you. We can stay here as long as you want, or we can go wherever. If you want to talk, I’ll listen, or we can go to Ace’s. He and Sadie are doing a Christmas Eve dinner. The whole group is there. I know she wants you to be there. Everyone would like to see you.”

  “No!” She shook her head adamantly. “I can’t. I was so awful to her, and God, what Ace and everyone else must think of me.”

  “Sadie loves you Mia, more than anything. She just wants to help you. I think being around her and other people who care about you would be good for you.”

  “I can’t,” she said solemnly. “Not right now. I can’t face her or any of them.”

  “Then where do you want to go? We can’t sit out here much longer. You’ll freeze to death.” With how tiny she was, I already worried that she was starting to freeze. Her body still trembled slightly.

  “Can we just go back to my room?”

  “Sure, but only if you let me turn a few lights on,” I teased, hoping to get a smile out of her and I did get just the barest hint of one. I would take it though. Anything was better than seeing her tears.

  Chapter 28

  Mia

  When we got back to my dorm, the first thing Chris did was turn on the lights, just like he’d said he would. Embarrassment, that he’d found me like this, seen just how low I’d fallen, flushed through me again.

  “So how was Florida? Was the Hard Rock Café pretty amazing?” I asked, not knowing what else to talk about, and afraid that if I didn’t start the conversation, he would. I hoped that talking about the band’s recent trip and performance at Universal Orlando would keep him from steering toward things I’d rather avoid. Even after I’d ripped down the band’s poster from my wall, I hadn’t been able to stop following them, following him.

  “Is this really what you want to talk about?” He dropped down on my couch. I just leaned against the opposite arm and nodded.

  “Fine,” he said humoring me. “It was great, incredible even. The show was awesome, the café was awesome. The theme parks were awesome.”

 
“That’s . . . awesome,” I said lamely. “Umm, when’s your guys’ next show?”

  “We’re hosting Saturday Night Live next week, and then we have our annual benefit concert for the Children’s hospital coming up too.” He sounded utterly bored, and I knew it was because he didn’t want to talk about the band or himself. He wanted to talk about me, but I was a coward.

  “Wow Saturday Night Live, that’s awesome.”

  “Yeah, you should come.” He actually sounded like he meant it.

  “Really? I could?”

  “Yeah, it’s not like you’ll have to worry about being in school since they’re kicking you out.”

  My face flamed, the heat spreading all the way to my ears. I knew it was coming, how could they not kick me out? But to have him throw it in my face like that wasn’t just embarrassing, it was mortifying and hurtful.

  “I’m sorry, Mia. I shouldn’t have done that. I really do think you should come to New York. I didn’t mean to make a joke out of you getting kicked out, but you’re avoiding talking to me about it, about anything that actually matters. You’re trying to shut me out again.”

  “I . . .” I completely froze. I didn’t know what to say, all of my words and excuses and explanations just died before they could leave my mouth. None of them were enough. I didn’t know how to tell him just how badly I’d screwed up. If he knew . . .

  If he knew everything, he’d get up and walk out that door.

  He scooted closer to me, grabbing my hands and tugging me down off the arm of the couch and onto the seat beside him. He didn’t release my hands. “Mia, talk to me, please. Tell me what happened.”

  “But you’ll go. You’ll leave again.”

  “I promise, I won’t leave.” With one hand he entwined his fingers in mine. “I’ll stay right here.” I still had my doubts, but I wanted to believe him so badly. I wanted there to be someone who could see the worst of me and not run. And more than anything, I wanted that someone to be him. I wanted him to be the one to choose to stay. I just didn’t know what I would do if he didn’t.