“The night before you had to pick me up from jail, well I did something really stupid that night.” As much as it hurt to relive everything for him, there were moments I couldn’t even look him in the eye, I almost felt relief at finally being able to talk to someone. To tell someone how much it hurt after Kris and I had become so close, for him to run out like that after waking up in my bed. How it killed me that one drunken, bad decision blew it all to hell, and from there the bad decisions spiraled.
He was really patient, never interrupting or giving me disgusted looks. He just listened.
I told him all about the events that led to me leaving the party that night trashed and getting arrested. I had to go back and tell him about the night with Leland and Derek and how I found out what they had done and tried to do again. His anger was noticeable then, but I knew it wasn’t at me. I kept going.
I confessed how much it had killed me to think that he hated me when he picked me up from the station and why I drank almost that entire bottle of Jack when he left with Katrina. Somehow my feelings for him just sort of poured out of my mouth in word vomit. I actually told him I loved him. When I forced myself to meet his eyes after that, he looked a little stunned, but still didn’t say anything, just let me finish.
Somehow I made it through waking up in the hospital and throwing Sadie out and my mom’s short visit, to the hardest part. The first night I went in that back room with Jillian. I cried when I told him about how the high felt like an escape and that for a while it freed me from everything, but then when it would wear off, I’d feel so much worse, which would only push me further into the spiral of depression, and then I’d do it again.
“I swear I’m done though,” I finished, wiping my sleeve under my eyes and nose. “I know I can’t keep doing it, and I don’t want to. I’d already decided, before you even got here, that I won’t ever touch that stuff again.”
“Oh Mia,” he whispered, raising one hand up to cup my face and swipe his thumb across my cheek, brushing away the tears there. He dropped his forehead to mine, resting it there, his eyes closed in a pained expression. I couldn’t breathe. I was frozen still, trying to ingrain this moment permanently into my memory. The way his nose brushed mine and his breath tickled across my skin. The warmth and feel of his calloused hand on my cheek and his other hand still squeezing mine in his lap.
Then his eyes opened and the soft blue orbs stared into mine with such understanding and compassion. Calm washed over me and another tear slipped down my cheek.
This is why I loved him. He’d always been able to see me. I’d felt it the first time I met him in Ace’s kitchen almost exactly a year ago. He could really see me now, all of me, every ugly part. I was splayed wide open, and yet he was looking at me like he could see past the ugliness and that there was something there. Something worth hanging onto and believing in. Something beautiful even.
Then he took me completely by surprise and kissed me.
It was just the softest touch of his lips to mine, a gentle caress that had all the oxygen leaving my lungs and my heart trying to escape my chest. It lasted only a second before he pulled away and looked at me, like he was waiting for me to say something. I was incapable of forming words though, and if I could speak, the only thing I would say is kiss me again.
He did.
Holy shit, was he a mind reader?
His mouth descended again, and even knowing it was coming this time didn’t prepare me for the powerful and heady rush of emotion when his lips lightly touched mine the second time. It started so soft and slow, and sweet. His full lips were warm and soft. I closed my eyes and tentatively pressed back. His hand swept back into my hair and then he kissed me more deeply, rocking my senses, making my entire body tingle with awareness.
I could smell the faintest hint of some kind of soap on his skin. The slight pressure of his hand gripping my hair made me ache to have him pull me in tighter. Then his other hand released mine and wrapped around my waist, resting against my lower back.
Then his tongue flicked out, tasting my top lip and then my bottom. I parted them, allowing him to sweep inside, sensually stroking my tongue with his. He tasted of mint gum. When his tongue retreated, I pushed mine into his mouth, almost shyly. Rising up, I turned my body fully to face him, with one knee pressing into the cushion next to his hip, my other foot planted on the floor. I lifted my hand lightly to his jaw, feeling the slight stubble there and then running it down his neck, softly tracing my thumb over the base of his throat and then under the collar of his shirt. I pulled back to look into his eyes.
“Do you see me?” I whispered.
“I see you. Always have. Even when I tried not to.”
I touched my lips to his throat trailing them up to his jaw before finding his mouth again. His chest heaved, matching the heavy rise and fall of my own. Some of my shyness started slipping away. The harder and deeper I kissed him, the tighter he held me to him, until finally he dropped one hand to my hip, sliding it down my thigh and then lifting it over his lap so that my knees rested on either sides of his hips and I was straddling him. Both of his arms wound around my back. I slid one hand down his back and the other into his hair. It was just long enough for me to tangle my fingers in. He seemed to like it when I pulled on it a little. He kissed me more hungrily.
When our mouths broke apart, I sucked in a deep breath and he pressed light kisses along my jaw as he shoved my jacket off my shoulders, helping me out of it.
“You’re beautiful, Mia. So damn beautiful, even if you can’t see it.” He kissed my neck and a breathy, contented sigh fluttered across my lips, encouraging him further. He sucked and gently nipped at my neck and shoulder. Then, he gripped my hips tightly with both of his hands, picking me up just slightly, and he flipped us so that I was lying flat on my back on the couch and he was hovering over me.
He tugged the collar of my shirt down, kissing all along my collarbone to my other shoulder. His other hand slipped under the hem of my shirt, lightly caressing my stomach. It wasn’t fair. I wanted to touch and taste him. I tugged at his sweatshirt, pulling it up his back, and he sat up, jerking it the rest of the way off and tossing it over the back of the couch. Then he was kissing me again, all over. My lips. My jaw. My neck. My shoulder. My throat.
I slid my hands up the back of his t-shirt, squeezing his shoulders and lightly raking my nails down his back. He shuddered, tipping his head back and groaning. Then he reached for the hem of my tank top, tugging it up and over my head. I wished I was wearing something other than my plain white bra, but Chris looked down at me like I was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. He softly traced a finger from the hollow of my throat, down between my breasts, to my waistband. I shivered and felt goosebumps explode on my skin. Then his lips followed the same path and back up. He found my lips again and I felt his hardness pressing into my stomach. It was intoxicating to feel his desire, to know it was for me.
I reached for his belt to undo it, but his entire body stiffened and then his hands caught mine and lifted them over my head. His eyes held mine captive, and what I saw made me want to cry for so many reasons. His eyes were dark, passion blazing in them, but they were also soft as he regarded me with tenderness. That look was my undoing, because it was such a far cry from the way every other guy had ever looked at me. Even the other Kris and my long term high school boyfriend who had both been sweet and tender, hadn’t looked at me like this. All those times paled in comparison to this. They fell so short of the way Chris made me feel. They were a rip off, a cheap imitation, and more than ever, I wished I could take them back so I wasn’t left the realization of how empty those moments had been.
With just a kiss, Chris had made me feel more alive and on fire than anyone ever had. I didn’t understand when he cursed softly under his breath and let out a heavy sigh before gently kissing my forehead and then lifting himself off of me. He quickly stood, rounding the coffee table and putting distance between us. I sat up, confused, waiting for him
to come back to the couch. He kept his back to me though.
“Is something wrong?” Had I done something wrong?
He turned and smiled faintly, relieving some of the tension I felt. “No, sorry, I just needed a second to pull myself together before I got carried away. I didn’t think kissing you would be like that.”
“Like what?” I asked nervously again.
“Like losing myself in the sweetest melody and forgetting the rest of the world.”
I had to bite my lip to keep my mouth from splitting into a big, silly grin. “I’ve never been kissed like that,” I admitted. “I think I would have been okay if we had never stopped.”
He chuckled, “Yeah, but another ten seconds and kissing isn’t all I would have been doing to you, Mia.”
I folded my hands together in my lap and dropped my chin, looking up at him through my lashes. “I think I would have been okay with that too,” I said bashfully.
He smiled sadly and came to sit beside me, grabbing one of my fidgety hands. “I wanted to Mia, but I never even should have kissed you.”
I frowned, “Why? Do you regret it?”
“No, I don’t regret kissing you Mia. I think I’ve wanted to kiss you for a very long time, and after denying it for so long, I just couldn’t help myself after you finally opened up to me, but I had no right to touch you. Not now.”
“What do you mean?”
He sighed, “It was wrong. Right now is not the time for me take anything from you.”
“Because of what I told you?” He hesitated to answer, clearly afraid of saying the wrong thing, but I didn’t need him to say anything for me to see it in his eyes. I jerked my hand out of his.
“You don’t want me because of how messed up I am.”
“No!” panic flared in his eyes. “That’s not it Mia. Please don’t think that I don’t want you. You saw and felt that I do.”
I took a calming breath, relief settling over me. “Okay, then what is it? If you want me, and I already told you how I feel about you, then why isn’t that enough?”
He looked at me almost sadly, “Mia, we can’t jump into anything. Neither one of us is in the right place for it. I care about you so much that it scares me a little, but things between Katrina and I have only been over for a month, and you . . .” He blew out a heavy breath, “Mia, as much as this doesn’t change how much I care about you, you just admitted to me fifteen minutes ago that until this morning you were snorting cocaine almost every night to cope with the shit you’ve been through, and I understand why, I really do, but that doesn’t change the fact that your head hasn’t been in a good place for a while.”
“But, I’m done. I told you I won’t do it anymore. I promise, and if I have you, I won’t need the drugs. I know I won’t.” He was all I needed, all I wanted, and had been for so very long.
He brushed the backs of his fingers over my cheek in an intimate gesture. “I believe you Mia, I do. I know you don’t want the drugs. I know you never did. I know you never meant for any of it to happen, but it did Mia, and you’ve got to deal with it. You’ve got to face the things that made you do it, before you can move forward. I can’t be the only thing holding your head above water, keeping you from drowning.”
“What are you saying? You won’t be with me?”
“I can’t, not right now Mia.”
I sucked in a breath, feeling like I’d just been stabbed. I couldn’t believe I’d been so foolish. Of course he couldn’t. Wanting me physically and actually wanting to be with me weren’t the same thing. How could he ever actually be with me when it would be such a risk for him. I was the junkie who was being kicked out of college. I knew I wasn’t good enough for him, but I’d let myself believe otherwise for just a second, but that was long enough for hope to bitch slap the hell out of me.
“Fine, I understand. You can go. It’s fine,” I told him, refusing to meet his eyes.
“No it’s not fine, because I don’t think you do understand. This isn’t about what either of us wants Mia, this is about what you need. You need to get real help. You need to be healthy and in the right frame of mind before anything could ever happen between us.”
“But something did just happen between us,” I cried, “and it was perfect! How can that not matter to you?”
“It does matter to me,” he said calmly. “It matters a lot, which is why I can’t do this to you, or me. It’s not fair to me or you to go into a new relationship carrying this weight that’s on you. I know if you just talk to Sadie or your dad, they’ll get you real help, good help, and then maybe when you’re better –”
I held up a hand to stop him. I couldn’t listen to anymore.
Maybe when I’m better.
It was such bullshit. It was the same story. It just hurt more hearing it from him.
“Why can’t I ever just be enough the way that I am?” I asked desperately, fighting back the tears.
“Mia, you are enough, but this isn’t you.”
“This is me. I’m not high or drunk right now. This is just me and you’re still telling me it’s not good enough.” He tried to reach for me, but I stood and backed away.
“Mia, please.” He stood as well, but didn’t make a move toward me.
“Please what? Please be smarter? Stronger? Happier? Better? What do I have to do, Chris? What do you want me to be?”
“I don’t want you to be anything but you, and you are more than this.”
“No, you just want me to be more than this. You want me to change, just like everyone else does, and I’m tired of trying and failing. It hurts too bad. It fucking hurts too bad. I’m tired of hurting, Chris. Love is supposed to make it stop hurting, but I love you and now it hurts so damn bad that I feel like I can’t breathe, so I need you just to leave.”
“Mia,” he whispered, taking a step toward me.
“Please just go.”
“I’m not leaving like this. It hurts me too.”
“No it doesn’t,” I screamed at him. “If you felt even half of the hurt I’m feeling, you wouldn’t be able to walk away from this. You wouldn’t be saying these things to me.”
“I’m not walking away, Mia. I’ll be there for you while you go through this, and then –”
“Then what? Maybe? What the hell am I supposed to do with maybe? I’ve heard maybe before. ‘Maybe we’ll come visit you for family weekend, if we’re not too busy shopping.’ ‘Maybe I’ll fly out there after Thanksgiving when work has settled down.’ ‘Maybe after you get a degree I can find a place for you at the company.’ ‘Maybe if you were more like Cait or Leila, I could trust you.’ ‘Maybe if you wouldn’t screw up so much your dad and I wouldn’t fight so much.’ I can keep going Chris. My whole life is a bunch of maybes that only ever end in disappointment. I’ve fallen short so many times, not measuring up to what people wanted from me. I can’t take that from you too.”
“Don’t do this, Mia. I’m not them. I won’t do that to you.”
“You’re already doing it,” I yelled again. “Just go.” He started to protest again. “Go! I don’t want you here. Leave.”
“I’m not going Mia. I’m not leaving you alone like this.”
“Why because you’re afraid I’ll go get high? I’m so weak and pathetic that I’ll fall apart the second you walk out that door, is that what you think? That you need to save me from myself? Is that why you’re here, why you kissed me, just so you could convince me to get help? Well maybe it’s true. I guess we’ll find out, because you’re leaving.”
“No, I’m not, and that’s not what I think.”
“Yes you are, if I have to start screaming until someone comes in here and makes you leave,” I said coldly.
“Mia,” he pleaded.
“Just stop. Stop saying my name like you give a shit. Just go. Go! Get out!” I cried hysterically. “Now!” My voice was loud enough that if anyone was in the hall, they could easily hear it. Chris’ eyes flashed to the door, probably expecting someone to start be
ating on it, asking what’s going on.
“Get out of my room,” I yelled through the tears again. Why wouldn’t he just go? Every second that he stood there, only made the pressure in my chest worse.
“Okay, I’ll go,” he finally resigned. “But please call Sadie or someone. Don’t do anything stupid. No matter what you think, I didn’t mean to hurt you like this. This isn’t what I want. I’m here for you, if you’ll let me be. Whenever, it doesn’t matter what time it is or where you are, you can call me, and I swear I’ll be there.”
Just not in the way I needed him to be. He couldn’t love me. At least that was the one thing he hadn’t tried to lie about, hadn’t pretended or promised anything. Still, watching him walk out the door, ripped my heart in two. It made the pain of having the other Kris blow me off seem like nothing.
He’d dangled possibility in front of my face, let me taste it and feel it, and then yanked it away. He was right. I was weak and pathetic. He knew it, and I knew it as I slid my phone out of my pocket. I just needed one last fix to get through tonight, and then tomorrow it wouldn’t hurt as much and I could deal. I just needed it tonight, to take the edge off this crushing pain.
Chapter 29
Mia
We’re having Christmas breakfast at the house. It’s just the group and we’d all love it if you could make it. I would love it if you would come. Please come. I love you. I miss you. Please come.
I read Sadie’s text for the sixth time, the words swimming in my head as the high took over. I’d woken up this morning in even more pain than last night, so I’d taken the last of what I scored from Jillian last night. It was a lot. More than I’d ever taken at once. Maybe too much, but I needed it. Just this last time to get through the pain. To take the edge off of it.
Now I was angry. I wasn’t supposed to be angry. I was supposed to feel good, but even my high was being ruined.
Saving Ever After (Ever After #4) Page 26