Sadie had called about six times this morning before finally resorting to sending the text.
We’d all love it if you could make it.
Ha. Not everyone.
I wondered what that lying asshole would do if I showed up there and called him on his shit right in front of everyone. He wouldn’t be able to lie to me anymore with them watching. They wouldn’t let him get away with trying to sell me those sweet words. They wouldn’t let him get away with making me feel like this. He’d have to tell me the truth, admit that he never really wanted me. He would admit that it was a mistake and then maybe I could hate him, maybe I could stop loving him.
Love sucked. It was too hard loving people, trying and never being enough for them to love me back. I didn’t blame them, but I just wanted all the love gone. It hurt. It ripped me open and bled me dry.
I loved my dad, but where was he? He was supposed to be my daddy, my protector, but he wasn’t here. All I had of him was a Merry Christmas voicemail. A voicemail! He didn’t even question why I didn’t want to come home. The last time I talked to him on the phone was a week ago when he called me to tell me that Sadie was worried about me. I convinced him I was fine and he just let it go. How could he be so oblivious and indifferent? Why didn’t he try harder?
Did he learn it from my mother?
I loved her too. I hated her, but I loved her. I couldn’t help it. She was my mom.
She of all people was supposed to love me back.
There had to be something irrevocably wrong with me that not even she could find it in her to give me what I needed so badly.
So stupidly I let myself love Chris too.
The first smile he ever gave me weakened all of my defenses, and after that, one by one he knocked them down with his kindness, his gentleness, his playfulness, his patience and his understanding. But then he rejected me. He promised me he wouldn’t leave and then he broke that promise. I wasn’t enough, and his lies hurt so much worse than anyone else’s.
I care.
You mean something to me.
I do want you . . . but . . .
But he didn’t mean any of it. He pitied me, wanted to save me, but not even he could. No one could, but how was I just supposed to stop loving him when it was all I could feel all the time?
No more.
NO MORE!
Those were the words I repeated to myself as I frantically searched for my keys, locating them under the stupid letter telling me I had to be out of this dorm by the first. Even the school was rejecting me now. No more chances. I had nothing left and nothing to lose, I told myself on the way out the door.
I would tell Chris exactly what I thought about this love and all his stupid lies. I didn’t want it anymore. I wanted it out of me. He could have it back. He was the stupid asshole who had made me love him in the first place. It was all his fault.
I started planning what I would say to him as I paced back and forth on the short elevator ride down to the first floor. I felt like I was suffocating in the small metal box, growing more and more agitated until the doors finally dinged open, freeing me from their confinement. The dorm was pretty empty, most everyone had gone home for the holidays. Only a few of us remained, so I didn’t see another soul as I made my way outside.
When I stepped out into the snow, I barely registered the freezing sensation, not at all giving thought to the fact that I was only in my socks and a pair of cotton shorts. Chris’ sweatshirt protected my upper body. Sometime during the night I had retrieved it from my floor and hadn’t taken it off since. I trudged through the slush to my car, pulling up the extra long sleeve to free my hand so I could get my car unlocked and started.
My head started pounding. My heart was racing. I tapped my hands on the steering wheel, and my left knee bounced up and down as I pushed the car just a little faster toward Ace and Sadie’s.
I don’t even think I grabbed the keys from the ignition when I pulled into their driveway. I was having a difficult time thinking straight. My body was shaky and aching. I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. All I could focus on was getting inside. Seeing him, punishing him, was the only thought I could hang on to. I just wanted to make him feel some of this pain.
So many pairs of eyes flashed to me when I burst through the door and stormed into the dining room. I ignored the looks of shock and alarm, seeking out the person I came for. He was there, rising out of his seat, looking at me terrified. Then he was moving toward me, my name a pain filled plea flying from his lips.
I stood there, shaking, watching him approach me cautiously. Somewhere, I think right beside me, Sadie was saying my name as well, but it was like she was in another room. Everything was hazy except what was right in front of me. My eyes were glued on Chris. He was getting closer. Too close.
“Stop!” I cried hoarsely. He stopped, and then I wondered why my voice was so choked up. My body felt like it was on fire. My head hurt. Pain swelled in my stomach. I felt something dripping down my face. I swiped my hand under my nose and across my cheek, pulling it back to find a mixture of blood and tears.
My nose was bleeding.
My heart was bleeding too. It was bleeding tears that ran down my cheeks and mixed with the red.
“Mia,” he said my name again. Was that all he could fucking say?
Mia. Mia. Mia.
“Don’t!” I tried to yell, but it came out more of a whimper.
“You need help,” he urged and then I felt someone’s hand on my shoulder. Sadie’s. I shook it off and stepped back from both of them. This wasn’t what was supposed to happen. Why couldn’t I think of what I wanted to say? I was supposed to come in here and show him, punish him, make him sorry, make the hurting stop. Now everything hurt so much, I couldn’t see or think straight.
Ace was at Sadie’s side now. Everyone was watching me in horror. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was too hot, and why was I shaking?
Chris took another tentative step toward me.
“I hate you,” I cried. He didn’t even flinch, just took another step toward me.
“I know, but you need to let me help you right now.”
“I don’t need your help. I don’t want your help. I just want you to go. I just want you out of here.” I smacked my hand against my chest, over my heart, and then doubled over in pain.
“You do need help, Mia. You’re not okay right now.”
“But I was okay enough last night for you to strip me on my couch and fuck me?” I screamed in agony.
I watched Chris’ eyes go wide and heard several gasps throughout the room.
Ace’s voice boomed, “What did you do?” Then, in an instant, he was on Chris, his fist pulled back and then it was flying toward Chris’ face. He barely managed to get out the words, “I didn’t,” before Ace’s punch landed.
All hell broke loose after that. Someone screamed when Chris went down. I think it was me. Everyone jumped up. Spade tried to pull Ace back before he could hit Chris again, but Chris wasn’t even paying attention to Ace. His eyes were locked on mine. They were so full of anguish that echoed mine, and not because Ace had hit him. It was for me. He did feel this hurt too.
In the second before my head erupted with pain, I could see things a little more clearly. He did feel what I felt. He wasn’t giving up on me. He was trying to get to his feet to come to me, even as Ace shoved him and screamed at him again. I was crashing down to my knees, and he was trying to get to me. When everyone else was watching the fight, he was watching me. He saw me, and I saw him so clearly. Then I saw nothing
Everything went black. There was nothing but agony and confusion and voices screaming my name, one louder than all the rest, and in it I heard all the things he’d tried to tell me yesterday that I hadn’t been able to hear. I’d been so very wrong about him and so many things, but it was too late.
Then there was nothing.
Chapter 30
Mia
I think these are usually the moments that
people usually start asking themselves all those what, when, why and how questions.
What happened to me?
When did my life become this?
Why did I do it?
How did I get here?
When people hit rock bottom, like waking up in the hospital after OD’ing on cocaine and almost dying, that’s when it’s time for them to take a harsh look at their life.
Not me though. I didn’t need to get all introspective. I didn’t have to ask myself how I got here, or how my life became so messed up. My life didn’t just fall apart. I took a fucking baseball bat to it. Every choice I made was another swing of the bat, slowly shattering it into a thousand broken shards. Everyone who tried to save me from myself only cut themselves on the pieces. I didn’t just hurt myself, but everyone around me.
I had very few memories of the last thirty six hours after I collapsed in the dining room. It was terrifying to know that there was this huge chunk of time where I wasn’t even here. I lost more than a day out of my life, and almost lost so much more than that. A doctor recounted the events after I lost consciousness, very thoroughly and clinically.
I began having seizures due to large quantity of cocaine in my system. I had taken too much. They called an ambulance. My heart stopped once in the ambulance on the way to the hospital and again at the hospital. I was very lucky to be alive.
I didn’t remember any of that. I had bits and pieces floating around in my mind, people shining lights in my eyes, sharp pain everywhere, being lifted, feeling like I was floating, and someone holding my hand.
That someone had been Sadie. She’d ridden with me in the ambulance and had been at my side every moment they’d allowed her to be. Even now, as the nurse checked me over again, she sat beside me holding my hand. She refused to leave me, refused to give up on me even when I thought she should, when even I wanted to give up on me.
Sadie was so strong, and she was on my side. Always. I could see that now. She would fight for me when I couldn’t fight for myself. I was not alone. I was very, very not alone.
I could only imagine what everyone had seen and thought when I stormed in and disrupted Christmas breakfast. That had to be about as low as a person could get, and yet Sadie was not the only person to come to my side after I woke up.
Ace was there too. I’d thought he was only here for Sadie. I thought he would hate me for what I put my sister through, but when my eyes had opened for the first time in thirty-six hours, he had smiled at me too and kissed my forehead.
I cried.
Sadie cried.
Ace sniffed and turned his head away.
They didn’t yell at me or make me feel worse. They just sat with me, waiting for me to talk.
Jax and Ky came by too. There was no judgment on their faces either. There wasn’t much of anything on Ky’s face. He just stood there while Jax hugged me and whispered in my ear that she loved me, that she was glad I was okay and that I needed to get better because Abel needed his favorite babysitter back.
I cried again.
Then Ky nodded once at me before they left. I figured that was about as close to a hug as I would ever get from him, and I cried a little more.
Then Spade came by. He was the last one to come, but what he had in his hand completely shattered me.
Sadie and Ace looked at me slightly concerned when he stepped into the room and I started sobbing. They had no idea why, but he knew, because he walked up to my bed and set the turtle down beside me, leaning over to whisper in my ear.
“He asked me to bring this. He wanted to bring it himself, but we weren’t sure what seeing him would do to you right now. He also asked me to tell you that you were always enough and that you always will be.”
His words were my final undoing. My sobs became ugly and uncontrollable. Somehow I managed to squeak out three words. “Is he okay?”
“He will be now,” Spade had assured me, before turning and walking out of the room. Through my tears I could see a blurry and concerned Sadie calling for a nurse because I was beginning to hyperventilate. She shot me up with some kind of sedative that quickly pulled me under. In my last conscious moment, I’d reached for the turtle and pulled him into my chest.
Now that I was awake again, I was just waiting for the nurse to leave. It was just me and Sadie and it was time for me to let go of everything.
When the nurse finally announced that all my vitals looked good and that I was over the worst of the crash, I nervously waited for her to close the door behind her as she left Sadie and me alone.
“Are you feeling okay now?” Sadie asked, lightly caressing her hand over my forehead and back through my hair in a soothing gesture.
“I haven’t been okay for a long time,” I admitted softly. “Can we talk?”
She closed her eyes briefly, sighing in relief, “Of course we can talk. All I’ve wanted is for you to just let me in, Mia.”
“I know, and I’m ready to.” So I did, and once I started talking, I couldn’t stop. It all poured out. The loneliness, the insecurity and fear. Meeting Jillian my first day on campus, falling in with the party crowd. What happened with Derek and Leland. My feelings for Chris, how far back they went, even though she already knew about them. I told her how quickly they grew and how much jealousy ate at me. Everything about parents weekends came out and mom never returning any of my calls, Leila and Cait blowing me off and how I just couldn’t handle it all. I told her about the other Kris and everything that led to the night I got alcohol poisoning, and then Mom’s visit at the hospital. I admitted how lost and depressed I felt. The self loathing that caused me to push her away. Turning to Jillian again and the coke.
Then I told her the truth about when Chris came to see me on Christmas Eve.
“He didn’t really sleep with me,” I said shamefully. “I lied about that. I just wanted to hurt him because I was hurting so much.”
“Oh, Mia,” Sadie cried softly and then tightly wrapped her arms around my shoulders in a crushing embrace. “I didn’t know. I didn’t know you were feeling all that. I knew you were lost and confused, but I didn’t realize what you were really going through. I’m so sorry I didn’t do better. I’m sorry I didn’t see.”
I clung to her just as tightly. Both of us were crying again.
We managed to pull ourselves together, sniffling and wiping at our eyes and smiling at each other through the tears until they finally stopped and we both sat back on my bed.
“Have you called Mom or Dad? I imagine this is all over the tabloids and internet again,” I said thinking about how quickly my trip here for alcohol poisoning had been leaked.”
“Actually it isn’t. We’ve managed to keep it all under wraps by keeping the guys’ names out of this and Chris’ dad helped pull some strings to make sure your stay here is kept private and that very few people in the hospital are even aware of your name or allowed to tend to you. It might get out eventually, but right now, nobody else knows. I didn’t call anyone. I didn’t know what to do. I was so afraid of how you would be when you woke up. I didn’t want to set you off by having anyone here that you didn’t want here.”
“Thank you.”
“But I think Dad should know now. I understand if you don’t want me to call Mom. I don’t know if I ever want to speak to her again, but Dad, I don’t think he meant to close that door between you guys. Dad just isn’t good with emotions. He loses himself in work because that’s how he’s been for so long, but he cares, he does Mia, even if he doesn’t show it like he should. I know you don’t remember, because you were so little, but Dad didn’t used to be this way. He adored you, all of us. We were all his little girls, and he doted on us, but then Mom would get on his case for spoiling us and they would fight, and then slowly everything in our house just became so strained and different and he started working more.”
I nodded, wiping at my eyes again. “I’ll tell him.”
“Good.” She smiled. “Do you want me to call Chris now? Do you want him h
ere?”
I did. More than ever I did, but I shook my head. “He can’t be here right now.”
“Okay. I should probably call Ace and tell him the truth though, if that’s okay. He’s been so hard on Chris because of what we thought he did.”
“Yeah,” I sniffed. “I owe him an apology for that. I owe him so much, and there’s so much I need to say to him, but not right now. I need to get better first.”
“I’m glad you want to get better. I want you to get better so much. I need you to, Mia.”
“I know. Do you think you could go with me to Seattle?”
Chapter 31
Chris
“When is she getting out of the hospital? I need to see her.” I was ready to throttle Ace. He wasn’t telling me anything except that she was okay. I’d been out of my mind with worry since the moment she’d thrown me out of her dorm. I hadn’t slept most of that night, afraid of what she might do to herself, but wanting so badly to believe that she wouldn’t, that she would be strong and eventually see that I’d only been trying to help her, do what was best for her. I’d never rejected her, even if she saw it that way.
Then, when she’d walked into the room Christmas morning, disheveled and shaking in just a pair of tiny shorts and my sweatshirt, not even a pair of shoes on her damn feet, I’d known right away that she was on something. She looked so tiny and frail and broken. She was drowning right in front of me, being sucked under by the pain and drugs and I couldn’t even get to her to pull her up.
My pain turned to fear when I saw the blood dripping from her nose and then noticed the other signs that something was seriously wrong. She was shaking too hard, her ashen skin was coated in a sickly sheen of sweat and her breathing was labored. Then she started clutching her stomach and chest in pain, but still she wouldn’t let anyone help her.
When she collapsed, I swear my heart hit the ground with her. I’d screamed her name, tried to get to her, but Ace had pulled me back, keeping me from throwing myself down at her side. Sadie was shouting for someone to call 9-1-1, and all I could do was stare at her, watch her fading right in front of me as her body was racked with tremors and sharp spasms.
Saving Ever After (Ever After #4) Page 27