Even with so much going on in preparation for tomorrow’s ceremony and reception, it took me all of two seconds to zero in on the sandy haired guy with his back to me, tying chair bows. I froze in the doorway and all that courage and self confidence I’d built up, slipped away.
I felt like my feet were glued to the floor. My hands felt sweaty and suddenly my throat was dry and my heart was beating out of control in anticipation. I was seconds away from turning around and fleeing when Jax, bless her perfect or completely horrible timing depending on how you want to look at it, spotted me. Her face lit up and she exclaimed, “Mia!”
Chris’ head shot up and he whipped around, searching for me.
Warmth.
Calm.
Peace.
One look.
That was all it took. His tender gaze met mine and everything else left me. I took a step forward and almost tripped in my heels, but managed to get one foot in front of the other and then, holy shit, I was moving toward him. Then he took a couple steps and suddenly the distance between us was disappearing even faster. I swallowed thickly, the warm, bubbly feeling giving me courage to keep moving.
Then he was right in front of me, hands stuffed in the pockets of his dark washed jeans, looking slightly awkward, but so unbelievably perfect, even better than I remembered. Even the most vivid memories of him that I’d been carrying with me for months couldn’t actually contain how beautiful he was to me. His hair had grown out slightly and brushed over the tips of his ears, curling at the back of his neck, but other than that he was exactly the same. He was Chris, my Chris, with those soft blue eyes, brightened by the cobalt button up tucked into his jeans.
“Hi.” The low, rich tone of his voice washed over me leaving pleasant feelings in its wake.
“Hi.” I bit my lip and clasped my hands in front of me to keep from fidgeting.
“Hi.”
“You already said that,” I laughed softly and he smiled.
“I did, didn’t I?”
“You did.”
“Then I guess I should probably try saying something else, shouldn’t I?”
“You could.”
“I’m not exactly sure what to say right now, but you look good, Mia.”His eyes traveled down from my head to my toes and then back up. “So beautiful,” he said softly, almost to himself.
“That works,” I grinned stupidly and he chuckled.
“And yet it doesn’t seem like enough.” He got serious. “I feel like there’s a lot we both need to say, and I don’t even know where to start.”
Neither of us got the chance to start anywhere, because Sadie popped up interrupting.
She hugged me briefly and then looked at us both regretfully.
“I hate to be a bridezilla and do to this to you guys, because I know this has been a long time coming for both of you.” Her words were the only indication anyone had given me that Chris had maybe been waiting just as anxiously as I had for this moment. “But we only have fifteen minutes before we start running through the ceremony. I don’t want to be here ‘til midnight and there are still fifty chairs that need bows and twenty tables that don’t have their center pieces. Can you two make it through dinner?”
We both looked at each other for a moment, I saw my longing matched in his eyes, before he broke eye contact and nodded at Sadie, “Sure. I’ll get back to the bows.”
I wanted to follow him, to say I’d help do bows if it meant being near him, but instead Sadie pulled me toward where Jaxyn was arranging and placing centerpieces, her new baby bump finally showing. Last time I’d seen her she’d only just announced that her and Ky were having another baby, and that was over a month ago. Sadie left me in her capable hands and then went to make sure everything else was going smoothly.
“You going to make it?” Jax asked me playfully, noticing that I had stopped paying attention to her instructions and was staring at Chris again.
“Sorry,” I muttered and then watched her put together the arrangement and tried to copy it.
“It’s alright. This must be pretty intense for you?”
“Yeah. I’m a little overwhelmed, and afraid,” I admitted.
Jax had visited me in treatment a few times and come to Seattle to see me twice since I completed it. We’d talked a lot. She’d been the only one to see the truth of what was going on between Chris and I all along, even when we didn’t. I guess she’d known him long enough to know when something was different. She was also the only one who just accepted my feelings for him, without questioning or doubting it when I said I loved him. Her advice and support had meant as much to me as anyone else’s.
“Why are you afraid?”
“It’s been six months. That’s a long time. A lot can change in six months,” I told her as we worked side by side. “I’m not the same. I doubt he is the same. I might have blown any chance I had. Or what if I’ve just built it up so much in my head, believing that it’s this intense, unbreakable thing between us? What if whatever we had or have isn’t strong enough, what if it just sort of fades or doesn’t work out? What if he’s not the one?”
“Ah, the elusive one,” she chuckled softly. “I’m going to tell you a couple things that will hopefully help you. First, everything has changed. For the better. You have come so far, and grown so much. You are stronger in every way and you’ve been taught a hard, valuable lesson. You now realize what you have and what matters most. Chris has also had to wake up and figure that out. You’re now both in a place where you can admit things that you couldn’t six months ago. At least I’m pretty sure he’s ready to admit some things.” She grinned and if she hadn’t kept going I would have spent the next fifteen minutes trying to figure out exactly what she meant.
“As for whether or not he’s your one, I guess that’s for you to decide Mia, because it’s not fate or destiny or soul mates or any of that magical crap. Love isn’t magic or even a feeling. It’s a choice. It’s that moment right before he leans down to kiss you and you look into his eyes and know that you’re his choice. That out of six billion people in the world, he saw you, really saw you, and said ‘Her, that one’s mine.’ And you choose him back. Every single day you make the decision to wake up and choose him again. There is no human relationship that is truly unbreakable, because life can be messy and hard and unfair and people are imperfect, but if you love him, you just keep loving him. All the time. When it’s easy, but especially when it’s not. You fight for it, you work at it and you never stop choosing him. That is all you can do, all any of us can do, but I think that you might find that it’s worth it. That he is worth it.”
Letting her words soak in while we finished the centerpieces, I knew I wanted that. I wanted that more than anything. There was so much uncertainty, but also the promise of a future that would be almost more than I dared hope for. I knew I was willing to fight for it, hell I’d been fighting for it for six months. I wasn’t about to give up now. I just had to hope I would be able to get everything out that I needed to say to him and not freeze up again under his intense gaze when I finally got the chance.
My impatience made it torture when we had to line up for the rehearsal part of the evening. Spade was at my side as the best man, but he was not who held my attention. I was so close to Chris and yet the slow ticking hands on the clock were tormenting me as we practiced the procession down the aisle over and over, getting the timing and the music right, and making sure Ace’s niece and nephew had their duties as ring bearer and flower girl down. I don’t know how many times we actually walked down that aisle and then back out, but when the over caffeinated wedding coordinator called it a wrap, I wanted to shout, finally.
The brief moments of eye contact, stealing glances at each other, it was killing me. So many months spent working up to this moment and I just wanted to get it over with before I lost my nerve and the courage to say what I needed to. I wondered if I could get away with skipping the dinner portion of the night.
Before I could even think of
grabbing Chris and sneaking away somewhere private to talk, my father was placing his hand on my back and leading me away to the dining hall. He smiled down at me and it was almost enough to erase my disappointment. Things were definitely good between us. After finishing my treatment, I temporarily moved in with Dad at his new condo. He’d given up living out of the penthouse at work after he and mom sold the house and made the divorce final. His work habits were still something he was working on, but he tried to make sure he was home every night so we could eat dinner together, something that took a little getting used to at first, but then quickly became the part of my day I looked forward to the most.
“How’s my girl doing tonight?” He leaned down and whispered. Dad and I talked about a lot of things these days, but I still wasn’t comfortable talking guys with him. Still, he knew what tonight meant to me, and like almost everyone important in my life, he worried about anything that might cause me to backslide.
“I feel good, Dad.” It was true. Nervous, anxious, scared or not, I knew I was okay and more importantly, would be okay.
He smiled and nodded and continued to lead me to our table. My eyes scanned the section of small round, reserved tables, seeking out Chris’ seat, but he wasn’t at any of the tables yet. Before we could take our places at the table marked with our names, we were intercepted by Grandma Helen, who looked surprisingly tame in her simple black dress and low heels. I hadn’t faced her since Thanksgiving, but every trace of doubt and worry about what she now thought of me was eradicated before it even had the chance to take root in my mind, when she pulled me away from Dad and threw her small but strong arms around me.
Then she pulled back just enough to look me in the eyes and speak softly, but firmly. “We all make damn foolish choices sometimes, but it’s how we pick ourselves up after life puts us on our asses that matters. I’m damn proud of you girl, for not staying down, but you better never put yourself or any of us through that again, you hear me?”
“Yes, ma’am. I promise I won’t.”
“Good.” And that was that. It was forgiven and forgotten, in the past where it belonged. I loved her more for that. Not everyone had afforded me that kind of grace. After I was admitted to treatment and the scandal went public, my mother made another appearance. She actually showed up at the treatment facility. For all of two seconds I’d let myself hope that it would be the moment we set things right between us, but I knew better. She had nothing supportive or encouraging to say. I’d walked away from her mid rant, not looking back, only ahead. Her words had been ugly and sharp, but they didn’t have the power over me that they used to.
Grandma Helen’s eyes twinkled at something over my shoulder and a subtle grin touched her lips as a large hand came to rest on my shoulder. I didn’t have to look behind me to know who it belonged to. My body instinctively reacted, shuddering slightly under his warm touch. I breathed in deeply, turning to face him.
“I don’t know about you, but I don’t think I could eat right now,” he spoke softly.
“Me neither.” Food. Who needed that?
“Want to take a walk outside?”
My head bobbed once and then his hand slipped into mine. Grandma Helen winked as we made our exit from the dining hall. We crossed the lobby of the large, Orcas Island resort and pushed through the doors that took us out into the cool, evening air.
The sun was dropping low on the Puget Sound and the lavish resort offered the perfect view of the waterfront sunset. We weren’t the only guests outside, taking in the view, but we found a quiet spot at the water’s edge, partially concealed by trees.
With the sun quickly disappearing, my knee length dress and light cotton sweater offered little protection from the chill, but nothing could make me leave that spot where we stood, our hands still entwined, watching the soft orange and yellow light diffuse on the water and fade into the approaching night.
“This is okay?”
I pulled my eyes away from the water and found Chris watching me as intently as I’d been watching the sunset. His eyes dropped to our joined hands, looking for reassurance.
It was more than okay. “Yeah, it’s nice.” I held his hand just a little tighter and turned to watch the last moments of twilight.
“Things seemed good with your dad back in there.”
“Yeah, they are. Now. He really stepped up when I needed him to. He’s been there for me these past few months. I’ve actually been living with him since I got out of the treatment center where I was at.”
Chris’ jaw seemed to clench ever so slightly, so slightly that I wasn’t sure I didn’t imagine the reaction.
“You look good, really good. I think I mentioned that already earlier, but you really do.”
“Thanks. It hasn’t been easy, but my life really is in a good place right now.”
“I’m glad, and it’s good that your dad got to be there for you. And Sadie and Jax, and I heard you even brought the hockey player, so I take it you two are close again.” I detected little more than a detached curiosity in his almost impassive tone. I would have believed his indifference were it not for his eyes. When I dragged mine from the water again, I could see that it was a mask. His voice may have been without inflection and emotion, and the rest of his features calm, but his eyes were not. They told me everything I needed to know. He was hurt.
“Chris,” I said softly.
“Did you think about this, us seeing each other again, at all in the last six months?” The mask slipped a little, but still he was holding back. He was keeping himself guarded. Against me.
“Only every single day,” I hit him with the truth and his mask slipped a little more. He looked away to hide it.
“If you thought about it so much, then why did you shut me out? One minute you were in the hospital, and the next you were just gone. Ace told me you didn’t want to see me. No one would even tell me where you were or how long you would be gone. It sucked, but I tried to understand what you must have been going through, so I waited to hear from you, but I never did. Not a single phone call, text, letter or message in a bottle. Nothing.” He looked at me again, seeming almost lost. “I thought you hated me until an hour ago when you walked into the ballroom and looked at me like you’ve spent the past six months missing me as much as I’ve missed you.”
He missed me.
I wanted to gasp or cry or throw my arms around him, but I stood still, not even sure if I was breathing, just watching him, hating the ache in his voice, because it was an ache I was all too familiar with. I also heard the guilt he was carrying, and I knew what that felt like too.
“Can you just explain it to me? Make me understand.”
Chapter 34
Chris
She reached for my hand again and I let her take it, waiting for her answer, waiting for her to make sense of the past six months. The not knowing . . . when she was coming back, if she was coming back, if she hated me, if she was over me . . . was hell. Six months of being angry at her for being weak and using and hurting herself, and six months of blaming myself for not being strong enough for her, not being able to help her, for seeing too late that she was slipping away.
She was just gone and I was expected to go on with my life, the band, the touring and shows, all of it, like I wasn’t going out of my damn mind every day thinking about her, worrying about her, being pissed at her, missing her. All I’d had to hang onto were Jax and Sadie’s promises that she was okay. I was still trying to reconcile all of those feelings in my head and the insane and overwhelming sense of relief I felt with her hand in mine. It was hard to believe that this was even the same girl I’d witnessed overdose on Christmas morning.
She was different now, her outward appearance as well as what I could see on the inside. She’d let her hair grow. It looked good. She looked so much healthier than the last time I saw her too, and stronger. I could see it, all that strength I’d known was buried inside her was burning brightly on the surface now. The life was back in her eyes, and it
was as beautiful, maybe even more beautiful, than I remembered. She’d beat it, beat the darkness. Without me.
Maybe that was why my anger was resurfacing now when I thought I’d gotten past it. It was hard to accept that she hadn’t needed me, maybe ever. Every time I’d tried to help her, I’d only ever made it worse. It wasn’t until she got away from me that she was able to pull herself up. I didn’t want to believe that she was better off without me, but the evidence was staring me right in the face with those fucking intense, gorgeous hazel green eyes.
She finally drew in a breath and spoke, “Chris,” hearing my name was both pain and pleasure. Fuck, how I’d missed the way it sounded on her lips. I’d taken it for granted before. “About that day, you have to know that nothing was your fault.”
Damn. She knew, and she was trying to take the guilt from me, but I didn’t know if I could let go of it. There wasn’t a single day that I didn’t relive the horror of watching her collapse right before my eyes, believing she was going to die, knowing I could have and should have done something more to prevent it. I looked out over the water, but her voice drew my attention back to her.
“No, look at me Chris.” I did. “My choice to ingest all that coke is not on you. I did that to myself. I was . . .” she closed her eyes briefly, whether trying to block out the pain of that memory or just to compose herself. Then they reopened. “You know what kind of shape I was in. Everything I told you the day before, I was – I was just so lost and hurt and angry, but you didn’t do anything wrong. You weren’t responsible for me, but you still tried to convince me to get help. I wouldn’t listen and that’s on me too. I was drowning in the pain. Not even you could have known how bad it was, because it was so much more than just all the things I told you.”
Saving Ever After (Ever After #4) Page 29