I’d gone back to that day in my head almost as many times as I’d revisited the next morning. I didn’t know how her pain could have possibly been any deeper than it had been that day when she opened the floodgates and let me see all of it. Her bitch of a mom, her absent father, her self absorbed sisters, the assholes who were supposed to be her friends. Insane jealousy and anger had tore at me thinking of her being with the other Kris and then him walking out on her, but it was nothing compared to the rage I’d felt toward those bastards Leland and Derek. What they’d done to her . . . it still sickened me and filled me with the urge to inflict violence upon them. That was all so much to deal with. How could one person hurt more than that? It shredded me just thinking about it. It had nearly destroyed her and I couldn’t imagine what these past six months had been like for her.
“If that was supposed to make me feel better, it didn’t. It physically hurts me to think of you going through that, that I couldn’t be there to help you face it. Fuck, I wanted to so badly.” She gave me a sad smile and then silence descended, while we both just stared out over the water.
“Did you really mean what you had Spade tell me when he came to see me in the hospital?” She asked in barely a whisper.
“I wouldn’t have asked him to tell you if I didn’t.”
Her eyes squeezed shut for a brief moment, like she was letting it soak in. Then she fixed her soft gaze on me again. “Every day that I was in treatment, and every day since I got out, I’ve been drawing strength from those words, telling myself that I am enough. I know you don’t understand why I kept you away, but you should know you were with me.”
“Then help me understand why I couldn’t really be there with you, or even just talk to you.” Just hearing her voice once during that time would have eased so much of the worry and ache.
“Because I had to know I could do it without you.”
Fuck. That hurt.
“Please understand that I wanted you with me. Leaving without seeing you was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Even harder than going to my dad and telling him I’d been abusing drugs and needed help. I felt like I needed you. I was so sure that you could make everything better. I thought that if I just had you, all of the hurt, rejection and loneliness that had pushed me to use, would just go away, but needing people is part of what got me in that mess to begin with. I was so tired of needing you to save me, and it wouldn’t have been fair to ask more of you. All of the bad ran so deep inside me that it couldn’t just go away, not for anything or anyone. It was a part of me and had destroyed my self-worth. I was ashamed of who I’d become, and if I was ever going to be someone I could stand to see in the mirror, I had to find my own strength. I needed to find a way to feel good about myself on my own. I also had to be prepared for the possibility that even when I got better,” she swallowed thickly and her eyes darted away for a moment before coming back to me. “I had to be prepared for the possibility that I still might not get what I wanted, and I had to know I would be okay anyway.”
“I hate that,” I whispered. “I get it, but I hate it. I hated every second of knowing you were probably struggling and fighting for your life and that I couldn’t do anything for you.”
“That’s not true. I told you, you were with me all the time. I needed to do it for myself, needed to face all that ugly and fight back, but you’re the one who made me want to fight. You saved me when you fought for me all those times, and when you fought to get to me as I was falling to the floor. I saw you and I heard you screaming my name, and I didn’t give up because I knew that you were on the other side of all that darkness. Then I woke up and realized a little too late that I wasn’t alone, that I had people, but I was still so scared. I still felt like nothing. Then you sent Spade with those damn words, telling me I was enough, that I had always been enough, and you saved me again, because even though I didn’t believe it, I wanted to. I was determined to.”
“Do you? Believe it now?” I asked.
A long moment hung between us before her soft voice spoke again.
“It took a long time for me to stop seeing someone weak and pathetic in the mirror. It was hard not to hate myself for what I’d done, for using the coke to escape and hurting so many people with my actions, but my self-loathing was such a huge part of why I used. It felt like a vicious cycle that I wouldn’t be able to break, but I did. There was somebody at the facility that helped me to forgive myself and start forgiving other people. Sadie and my dad were a big part of my therapy sessions. Even Leila and Cait came for one visit with me and my counselor, and slowly I got there. I can’t say that I don’t still have low days, but they’re nothing like the lows before. I know what my weaknesses are, but that’s okay, because I also know that I’m more than that. I know who I am, and it is enough. For me, whether it is for anyone else or not.”
Pride filled my chest and I reached my hand out to rest my palm against her cheek. Her eyes closed. “What do you see when you look in the mirror now?” Her eyes fluttered open and I slid my hand back, brushing her hair back behind her ear before letting my hand fall away.
Her lips trembled slightly and her voice cracked, “I see someone strong and kind. I see someone who loves deeply and boldly.” Her voice grew steadier. “I see a young and passionate girl with a lot still to learn. I see someone beautiful and worthy and not afraid of life anymore.”
I smiled. “You see what I’ve always seen.”
She smiled back with such a tender look in her eyes. “How do you do that? Make me feel so incredible with just a few simple words and a look. It took me months to find that kind of confidence on my own and it’s still a daily struggle, but with you . . . I feel like more than I ever thought I could be.”
“It’s not me. I’m just showing you what I see. What I know. It’s you, and you are more. So much more. I won’t say I knew it the first time I ever saw you, because it took me a long time to come to my senses, but it was always there. Even when you got lost.”
“I’m sorry I got lost for so long, but thank you for seeing me.”
I couldn’t resist tugging her into my chest and wrapping my arms around her.
“I’m sorry I didn’t realize what was in front of me sooner,” I whispered into her hair.
“I’m not,” she mumbled against my chest, surprising me. “There’s so much I regret, and maybe we both made mistakes, mostly me, but even though you saw those things in me, and believed in me, I didn’t. I think it had to be this way. Not that I had to use the drugs, but I just mean that I was lost long before I met you, or maybe not completely lost, but I was slowly losing bits of myself. I didn’t even know who I was. I think that if anything had happened between us before, I would have found a way to mess it up with my insecurities and doubts, and I know losing you would have been bad.” She squeezed me tighter. “Really bad, and I think I still would have ended up here. The only difference is you might not be standing beside me. I still would have found my way to rock bottom, but I might not have been able to get back up without the hope that you would be here when I did.”
Maybe she was right. Maybe it was always going to lead here. This moment. I guess you never really know how one decision or a bunch of little ones can change everything. Maybe I couldn’t have saved her from everything no matter what I did differently, but in this moment I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else, but right beside her.
“I’m here, and there’s not anywhere else I’d rather be.”
She inhaled deeply and then let it all out in a heavy sigh, her head still against my chest. “This is exactly where I want to be too.”
We stayed like that for quite a while, me just holding her, neither of us wanting to let go. The sun was long gone, having sunk down below the water, but still we stood at the edge of the shore, wrapped in each other while the cold breeze blew around us. It was such a small thing, to just be able to hug her and have her in my arms, but it felt like the biggest thing in the world and I didn’t want to let go.
It was one of those moments that you never see coming, you never expect or anticipate, because it doesn’t seem possible that something so simple could feel so right and perfect. Until you’re staring that moment in the face, or holding it in your arms, you just can’t know what that’s like.
She buried herself deeper into my chest, arms pressed between us, clutching at my shirt and I felt her body shake just slightly. I realized I could feel the chill on her skin. Her dress and the sweater she wore were too thin to provide any warmth. As much as I didn’t want to let go of the moment, I pressed my mouth against the top of her head and spoke into her silky, fruity smelling hair. “We should get back inside.”
“Can we stay like this just a little longer?”
“Yeah, we can stay out here a little longer,” I let out a contented sigh. I felt like I could stay like this all night, holding her close, feeling her softness and the way her steady breathing matched the cadence of mine. But eventually it grew colder and I had to take her back inside. I placed a kiss on top of her head before pulling away from her.
“If we stay out here any longer, you’ll turn blue.”
She smiled up at me, “I wouldn’t mind. I don’t want to say goodnight yet.”
“I know, but we have a long day ahead of us tomorrow.”
I held out my hand for her to take, and she reluctantly let me lead her back inside and up to her room on the third floor. She hesitated outside her door, key card in hand, and then turned to look at me. “I don’t even know what this is. I mean after tonight I feel like everything has changed between us, but there is still so much we didn’t say. Like what are we now? Are we anything? Am I allowed to kiss you tonight, or hold your hand tomorrow in front of people? What do I tell people if they ask? I’m sure everyone saw us blow off dinner. They’re going to have questions, and I have questions and you probably still have questions, and –” I silenced her nervous rambling by leaning down and gently sealing my mouth over hers.
She froze, her lips unmoving beneath mine. The kiss only lasted a second, and when I pulled away she wore a stunned and almost dreamy expression. “How’s that for your kiss good night?” I chuckled and she frowned, snapping out of her slight daze.
“That’s not fair. I wasn’t ready. I want a re-do,” she said somewhat breathlessly. I started to lean forward and she pressed her eyes closed in anticipation. Instead of touching my lips to hers again, I placed a soft kiss on her head and then tilted my forehead to rest against hers. Her eyes fluttered open in disappointment.
“We have time, Mia. You’re right and there’s so much more we both need to say and talk about, but not tonight. Tonight was just perfect the way it was. We’ll save the rest of those hard questions for another night.” I slipped the key card from her fingers and inserted it into the lock, pushing her door open once it flashed green.
“Goodnight Mia,” I handed over the card.
“Night, Chris.”
Chapter 35
Mia
Another stolen smile. A wink. A soft blush spreading over my cheeks. That was what my morning was like as everyone rushed about the resort preparing for the ceremony about to take place. Chris and I hadn’t gotten a chance to do anything more than smile across the room at each other since we said good night outside my room last night. He was right though, that it had been a perfect night just the way it was. I knew we still had so much to work out, but he said we had time, and I believed him.
So, when the inevitable bombardment of questions had come from the girls while we got ready this morning, and then Kris when I saw him, I just told them we were still figuring things out. It was about the only answer I had, and I didn’t want to share everything that had passed between us. Last night was mine and Chris’. We’d both been waiting a long time for it, and I wanted to hold on to it and keep it to myself for a little longer. It was intense and personal and emotional and overwhelming and more than I’d hoped for. It wasn’t for anyone else. At least not right now.
There were only minutes until guests would start filling up the ballroom. That meant it was almost time for those of us in the wedding party to disappear into the lounges before the ceremony started. We were all scrambling about, along with the same family members who had helped with setup last night, to do one last check of everything, ensuring that the ceremony and reception would go smoothly. Grandma Helen and I had the task of checking in with the caterers in the kitchen.
“Have you seen that mother of yours yet? Do you know if she’ll be here?” she asked me.
“Haven’t seen her yet. Not even Sadie knows if she’ll show.” I wanted to say that I didn’t care either way, that it wouldn’t affect me, but a part of me, a very small part was hoping she would be here for Sadie. That maybe there was still a little bit of hope for our mom. I wasn’t going to hold my breath or let it get to me, but she would always be my mom, and there was a part of me that would never give up on that, and I think Sadie felt the same way.
“Well if she shows and starts stirring up any trouble, you just let me know,” she said quietly, like she was letting me in on a secret, and then she held up her small purse that matched the cream color of her long, floral print dress. It was the most grandmotherly thing I’d ever seen her wear, yet it still had just enough flair with the off the shoulder cap sleeves and soft but colorful pattern, to be completely her. She pulled the little purse open just enough for me to peek inside and see something shiny nestled between the tiny coin purse, all of her prescription bottles and the can of mace which was bad enough but not what she was trying to show me. It took me a second to realize the small object with tiny prongs sticking out of one end was a compact stun gun with . . . oh dear Lord, she bedazzled it with sequins and rhinestones.
Oh. Shit.
Grandma Helen had a stun gun. A STUN GUN!! A damn bedazzled stun gun!
“Where did you get that?” Better question was what the hell was it doing in her purse at her grandson’s wedding, but I figured I should start with where she got it.
“I ordered it online. You can find anything online, and you can never be too careful nowadays. You see all over the news that the world is going to hell in a hand basket. Random muggings and acts of violence and people kidnapping and trafficking human beings.”
I didn’t even know what to say. “You bedazzled it.” That’s about all I could get out.
“Well, of course I did. Just because it’s a weapon doesn’t mean it can’t look pretty, and I figure it will make it more humiliating when I get to use it on some mugger or kidnapper.”
“Of course,” I said, not sure how to feel about the fact that she had used “when” and not “if” like she was counting on tasing some unsuspecting criminal.
“Also, I figure if Eloise down at the senior center runs her mouth one more time about how she managed to nab Gerry Orson after he was widowed last year, I’ll just give her a little zap and that will shut her up.”
“I think zapping old ladies for snatching up widowers is frowned upon,” I pointed out.
“Yeah, but she has it coming. She knew I had my eye on Gerry, and everyone knows that you need to wait at least six months after the funeral before you make a move, but then bam! Eloise jumped in after just four months. Four months! Can you believe the nerve of that woman? She ought be ashamed of herself. Completely tactless and disrespectful that woman is, so I figure she really has it coming, and I don’t reckon there will be too many people who will disagree with me.”
I just shook my head. “I think you should at least keep it put away for the wedding. It’s going to be eventful enough without you giving someone an extra shock.”
“I make no promises if your mother shows her face and starts throwing ‘tude around like she’s the Queen of England or one of them Kardashians.”
I figured that was about the best I was going to get from her, so I just had to hope Mom didn’t show up and start “throwing ‘tude.”
I also figured I should find a way to warn Ace
that his grandma was packing. I doubted his parents were aware of that.
We confirmed that everything was good with the caterers and then made our way back from the kitchen. Already I could see guests dressed in their best coming in the lobby and then lining up to get past the security that had been hired to make sure no one uninvited slipped in to the wedding. Grandma Helen was scanning the small crowd waiting to be checked off the guest list and then allowed into the ballroom.
“Did you hear about the man, or I guess I should say boy, that Ruth brought to meet the family at Mark’s sixtieth?” Ruth is Grandma Helen’s sister’s granddaughter and a constant source of excitement in Grandma Helen’s life. Ruth’s in her late thirties and things are never dull with her giving the family something to be stirred up about. Apparently since her divorce two years ago, she’d been giving them a lot to be stirred up about.
“He’s not much older than her son! I think he’s about your age, but he sure had a nice bottom. I got a little pinch and – oh, well you’ll see later. If things don’t work out with you and the drummer, well I’m sure you could steal him away from Ruth.”
“I don’t think I’ll be stealing Ruth’s man, Grandma.”
“Of course, I saw you and that boy making eyes at each other all morning, but I’m just saying, if he turns out to be an idiot and lets you get away, that Lee sure has a nice backside. I think I’ll try to get another pinch.” She imitated reaching out and grabbing at someone’s butt. “An old lady’s got to get her thrills somewhere.” She grinned. “I’m counting on there being a lot of handsome young men here today. Plenty of bottoms that need a good squeeze.”
Between the stun gun and the butt pinching, it would be a miracle if no one got tased or complained of sexual harassment today.
We slipped back inside the beautifully decorated ballroom and Grandma Helen went to go take her seat up front with Ace’s parents and the rest of his family. Ushers were directing guests to other seats which were quickly filling, so that meant it was time for me to get in place. I hurried back to the ladies lounge in the left corner, where we would walk in from. The guys would be entering from the men’s lounge in the opposite corner and we would meet in the middle and then walk down the aisle in our pairs.
Saving Ever After (Ever After #4) Page 30