by J. M. Lamp
“I try, I try.”
My phone dings and I immediately dig into my pocket to get it out.
Everything’s fine. Talk later.
“That him?”
“Yeah,” I say. “Said everything’s fine and we’ll talk later.”
“Good.”
“I guess.”
“Maybe it has something to do with his ex,” he says.
“What do you mean?”
“Didn’t he die in a car crash?”
I close my eyes and throw my head back. My thoughts cease completely and I look over at Ethan who looks confused as hell as to what is going on. How could I not remember the fact that Evan died in a car crash?
“Horribly,” I say. “It really fucked Will up.”
“Well,” he says, raising his eyebrows, “that probably explains why he was weird.”
“I’m an idiot,” I say. “That and Lydia is going to be having her baby soon, so I’m sure that crossed his mind, too.”
I text him back and put my phone back in my pocket.
“You want me to take you back home?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “He needs some space right now, but I don’t want him to think that I don’t care.”
“I’m sure he’d like you being there when he got home.”
“I just hope he’s OK.”
“I’m sure he is,” he says.
“No,” I say, “I mean, his ex dying really did a number on him. The anniversary is actually coming up either this week or next.” I close my eyes again, bring my knees in close to my chest and rest my head on them. “I hope he doesn’t shut down on me, Ethan.”
“If anyone can bring him out of it, it’s you,” he says.
I look up to him and rest my head to the side.
“I know we were friends when everything happened to me, but if I hadn’t had you helping me through things with Rick, I wouldn’t be here. Even if he does shut down, you can bring him out of it. He’s survived it all once, right?”
“I’ve never loved anyone like I do him,” I say, tearing up. I wipe my nose and loosen the hold on my knees. “I’m terrified I’m going to lose him and I don’t know why. With London and now this.”
Ethan wraps his arm around me and I rest my head on his shoulder. “It’s fine. It’s all going to be fine.”
Chapter Sixteen
Will
I T’S MIDNIGHT WHEN I FINALLY get home from the hospital and the anxiety has worn off to the point where I can think clearly.
I walk in the door and see Elliot lying on the couch asleep. I set my wallet and keys down on the table and make my way over to the couch. Elliot is curled in a position that looks extremely uncomfortable and I laugh because his mouth is wide open and he is snoring louder than I’ve ever heard him snore before.
I sit down on the couch where there is room and accidentally sit on his foot. His snoring stops and he slowly wakes up and scoots back into a sitting position where he was laying down.
He looks at me with one eye closed and says,” Hey, babe.”
“Hey,” I say. He leans into me and lays his head against my shoulder.
“You OK?”
“Yeah,” I say. “Sorry for the way I left.”
“It’s OK,” he says. I run my fingers through his hair and look over to the TV.
“They’re OK?”
“Yeah, just bruised up a bit. Baby is fine, too.”
“What happened?” he asks.
“They were on the interstate and a car side-swiped them. Fucker was going way too fast and they veered off the road into the guardrail. Abbey is perfectly fine, just shaken. Lydia has some cuts and her arm is messed up, but they’re OK. It’s all OK.”
Elliot doesn’t say anything and I look down to see if he fell back asleep, but his eyes are on the TV.
“The first thing I thought about when I got the call was when I got the call about Evan. That’s why I left the way I did. I don’t know how to handle stuff like this.”
“I’m glad you are OK,” he says.
“I don’t remember driving to the hospital. I knew they were fine because he said they were fine on the phone, but when I got the call about Evan, they had the wrong info and told his mom that he was doing fine too en route to the hospital, but then, yeah.”
“I wasn’t sure whether I should go home or not, so I stayed and waited for you. Well I tried, but fell asleep apparently.”
“I’m glad you’re here,” I say. “You keep me grounded.”
“I just want you to know how much I love you,” he says. “Finding you has been the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Without you, I wouldn’t be doing a lot of the things I’m doing now.”
“I love you too, El.”
I get up off the couch and make my way to the kitchen. I haven’t eaten since this morning and I am starving.
“I went and ate with Ethan earlier. I got the fish you like for you. You’ll just have to warm it up.”
I open up the fridge and see the food from one of my favorite restaurants and my mouth starts to water. I heat it all up in the microwave and make my way back to the couch.
“Why are you so good to me?” I ask him, planting a kiss on his lips.
“You deserve it,” he says.
Elliot falls back asleep quickly and I finish my food. I sit there motionless, the TV screen a blur even though my eyes are fixated on it, and think about everything that’s happened today.
The day started off good with lunch and sex and happiness and ended with me reliving a moment a never wanted to experience again and wondering if my sister and niece were going to leave this world just like Evan did.
Elliot’s head cocks to the right in my lap and it startles me out of my daze. I look down at his face and my eyes start to water. I smooth away some stray hairs off his face and take a deep breath - exhaling all the stress of the day and letting the negative energy leave my body in whatever way it can.
The two-year anniversary of Evan’s death is this week and last year when I went and saw him, too many emotions hit me at once and I couldn’t handle it just like the day he died. I also didn’t have Elliot last year, though, either.
I look down at his beautiful face and a wave of thankfulness courses through me. I think about him leaving for London and wonder if he is going to ask me to go with him or not. I figured he already would have, but I’m starting to wonder if he even wants me to. I know he loves me, but maybe his new opportunities outweigh that love. I was just relived when he told me that he wasn’t going to be over there long-term.
Even if he doesn’t ask me, I can wait for him to get back. I can visit and text and video chat if that means keeping one of the best things about my life in my life and my happiness in check.
***
“So what time do you want to go?” Lydia asks me across the table.
“I don’t know,” I say, fixing Abbey’s ponytail. I fix it and she turns to me and puts out her hand to me like a high-five. I look over to Lydia and laugh and give her a high-five back and she giggles.
“That’s new,” I say, laughing.
“She’s learning all sorts of new things lately,” she says. “She’s been saying the f word a lot here lately.”
“Fun?”
“Yes,” she says, rolling her eyes. “No, I wish she was saying fun.”
“I cussed a lot when I was younger, too.”
“I guess,” she says. “I just don’t want it to become a habit. It doesn’t embarrass me or anything, but she already has enough words to learn and that one isn’t needed.”
“You don’t have to go with me if you don’t want to,” I say.
“I don’t mind,” she says. “We can at least drive you there and you can have your time with him.”
“We can go once we leave here then,” I say. “It won’t be like last year, I promise.”
“I know it won’t,” she says.
“How’s your arm doing?” I say, pointing my fork towards it.<
br />
“It’s fine,” she says. “Just sore. Still wish I knew who the fucker was that hit me.”
“And you wonder why she is saying that,” I say. “And the baby hasn’t acted up?”
“No,” she says, “he’s fine. I’ve been driving slower since I got out of the hospital. I check the rearview mirror a hundred times on Abbey. I’m just overly hesitant. Just glad we’re OK.”
“Me too,” I say.
Lydia looks at Abbey and brings her hand to her mouth as she looks out the window of the restaurant. I see her eyes start to moisten and she wipes the bottom of her eye with her finger.
“You OK?”
“Yeah,” she says. “It’s just a lot to deal with lately. The wreck and the baby will be here within the next week or so I’m guessing and Greg is still working like crazy. I just don’t know if I can raise another kid on my own again.”
“You won’t be alone,” I say. “You’ll always have me.”
“I know,” she says.
We leave the restaurant and make our way to the cemetery. I’ve only been to his site twice: the funeral and the one-year anniversary. I have the path from the road to his grave memorized in my mind and I don’t even remember making my way there in either instance.
Along the way, I see a flower shop and flag it down to Lydia. She pulls over and parks while I walk in and get some roses.
I get back in the car and she says, “Roses?”
“They were always his favorite.”
The rest of the drive there is nothing but silence, aside from the kid music on the radio for Abbey. The sun has hidden itself under the clouds and the wind has picked up as I get out of the car and make my way up the cemetery path.
My eyes stay focused on the brick-laid path as I walk up and I don’t veer my vision left or right as I pass different people.
As I get closer to Evan’s gravesite, I look up and see someone standing above his grave. My movements slow as I get closer and I realize who it probably is that is standing there.
I get two graves away and he says, “Will?”
“Do I know you?”
“No,” he says. “Sorry, my name’s Drew. I used to know him.”
I look into Drew’s eyes and feel nothing. The thought that he is Elliot’s ex doesn’t cross my mind, but instead, I think about the fact that he knew Evan before I ever did.
“We used to—“
“You grew up together,” I say, cutting him off. “Yeah, I know about you.” I extend my hand and he shakes it. He rubs his right eye and sniffs and looks from the gravestone to the trees behind it.
“He was a great person,” he says. “I know we weren’t blood, but he was my brother. He was family. I miss him.”
“He was amazing,” I say.
“I’m gonna go,” he says. “I’ve been here for awhile. Time for me to go.”
He turns and moves past me towards the brick path.
“Thank you,” I say. He turns around and looks at me. “I’m sure it means a lot to him that you came.”
“Take care, Will.”
He makes his way down the path and I turn back around to Evan’s gravestone. I scratch my temple and lay the roses down in front of where his birth year is. I sit myself crossed-legged in front of the stone and pull up a piece of grass and throw it to the side.
“Hey,” I say, wiping my nose. “A lot’s happened since last year. I’m doing better. I still miss you, though. Everyday.”
I reposition the roses and look up at the sky.
“I met someone new. His name is Elliot and he’s been a life savior. I was feeling like I was betraying you in finding someone new, but I know now it had to happen. I wonder sometimes if someone up there with you pushed him my way or if you did. Lydia’s doing good. She was in a wreck the other day. Brought back some things, but I’m OK. And she’s having another baby, so that’s exciting. Told her she needs to name it Will, but I doubt she will.”
I see a smudge of dirt towards the bottom of the stone and wipe it away with my thumb.
“I think I’m still going to stick to once a year,” I say. “If you’re listening then you’re always listening and it’s just easier this way. I hope you understand.”
My phone dings and I pull it out of my pocket.
I’ll pick you up around 6.
I reply to Elliot and put the phone back in my pocket. I move my legs, bringing one into my chest, and lean on one knee, resting my head on the top.
“I could tell you all the things that have happened, but it’s not important. Just know that…I’m happy. I never thought I would be after everything, but I think I’ve finally reached a good place. I’ve stopped having panic attacks at least and I don’t have flashbacks like I did. I owe a lot to Elliot for that. He’s helped me in ways that I’ll never be able to thank him for or express to him. That friend of yours, Drew, I wish I could’ve known him. So many things about your younger years that you were probably too embarrassed to tell me about; so many stories I wish I could’ve heard about you.”
I get off the grass and put my hands in my pockets.
“I love you, Evan. I always will. I hope wherever you are that you’re happy, too. I hope me moving on isn’t a bad thing and that I’m doing the right thing. I hope I stay happy in spite of everything. I hope you know that you’ll never leave my heart even if Elliot has a place in it now.”
I turn around and make my way back to the brick path. A heavy breath leaves my mouth and I feel relief. I know I can think about him now without having a breakdown and the thought brings me a calm I haven’t experienced in a while.
“Everything OK?” Lydia asks me as I shut the car door closed.
I look over to her and smile and say, “Everything’s OK.”
***
“So,” I say to Elliot across the table from me, “I met Drew.”
Elliot’s face remains unchanged and he says,” He was there?”
“Yeah. Was getting ready to leave once I got there.”
“He say anything?”
“Not really,” I say. “Is it weird that all I wanted to do was ask him about Evan when he was younger?”
“No,” he says. “Makes sense.”
“He seemed nice, I guess.”
“He’s not a bad guy,” he says.
“How was your day?”
“Boring,” he says. “I took a nap and finished a book I was reading.”
“You sure you’ll be able to handle working again?”
“I don’t know,” he says. “Not having as many naps isn’t going to be easy for me. Slumming it the past few weeks has been pretty nice really.”
“Well,” I say, “that’s what lunch breaks are for.”
“One way or another, I’ll find a way to have a nap or two.”
He smiles and goes back to his food.
“So, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you and I know today isn’t the greatest day to ask, but it’s just a nonstop thought in my head at this point and I got to get it out.”
I raise my eyebrows at him and say, “Alright.”
“I know it’s asking a lot, but I want you to come to London with me. If not it’s OK, but I just want you there.”
“I—“
“I’m sorry,” he says, putting down his fork. “I wouldn’t expect you to uproot everything to—“
“Elliot,” I say, smiling, “I would like nothing more then to go to London with you.”
His eyes widen and he says, “For real?”
“Well, why wouldn’t I?”
“I don’t know,” he says. “That’s just a lot for me to ask of you and—“
“I’d do anything for you,” I say. “Even move to a different country for awhile.”
“It’s only temporary.”
“I know.”
“I’ll support you,” he says. “Don’t feel like you have to have something lined up.”
“I’m sure I can work something out with them here.”
&n
bsp; “Cool,” he says. “If not, though, it’s—“
“Honestly,” I say, “I’ve been wondering if you were even going to ask me. If you hadn’t, it would’ve been fine, but I’m glad you did. Another stresser gone.”
“I know,” he says. “I don’t know why I haven’t until now. Think I was afraid to ask that much of you. I didn’t want to make you feel like you had to or something. I don’t know.”
“I need to update my passport.”
“I haven’t even thought about that,” he says.
“Kind of important.”
“I’ll have to call them tomorrow and tell them you’re coming with me. They’re handling all my documentation and stuff.”
He looks into my eyes and his face grows serious.
“You’re sure you want to go? If you really don’t it won’t change anything between us.”
“I’m sure.”
“Okay,” he says.
I smile up at him and say, “Okay.”
“I love you,” he says.
“Same.”
“I’m also paying for this tonight so don’t try and stop me,” he says.
“I guess I’m just have to pay you back somehow then, won’t I?”
A grin flashes across his face and he bites his bottom lip.
“Like your laundry or something,” I say, focusing back on my food.
“My thoughts exactly,” he says, laughing.
Chapter Seventeen
Elliot
“W HAT TIME IS dinner with Ethan?” Will asks me from the kitchen.
“Nine I think.”
“Has he told you anything about this Cody guy?”
“Just that he likes him,” I say. “Which that says a lot to be honest.”
“Well,” he says, “it’s good he’s found someone. Hopefully he’s a good guy.”
“The dinner is a test I think.”
“What?” he asks.
“An approval thing.”
“Well this is the first guy he’s dated since the bad one, right?”
“This is the first guy he has dated in general for awhile now. The other guys were just hookups and ways to relieve whatever was bothering him.”