by J. M. Lamp
“I didn’t tell you because it does make everything worse,” I say.
My eyes start to water and I look towards the bar-area at people laughing and having fun. I make eye contact with Elliot and immediately look back down at the table and say, “I had to switch grocery stores a few months back. It was actually after I had met you that night and I went to the store that I’ve been going to since I moved here. I saw Evan’s sister there, who I hadn’t talked to in awhile because I shut them all out, and I left the store in the midst of a panic attack. I left a cart full of groceries by the registers and a store full of people probably wondering if they were watching someone go insane.”
I look up to him and his face is relaxed. His eyes are moist and they don’t leave mine. I look back down and say, “I had a really hard time when he passed. I didn’t think I was going to make it. I went to a therapist and took some medicine and it helped, but the attacks didn’t go away for a year and then I saw her. My heart was broken when I met you to the point where I didn’t think I would ever find someone again. I still love Evan, immensely. He was the best person in the world as far as I was concerned and not having the chance to marry him and get to spend my life with him hurt just as much as anything.”
The waitress comes over for our orders and Elliot orders for the both of us. She notices that I’m crying, but doesn’t say anything as Elliot assures her that I’m fine with his hand and eyes.
“I didn’t tell you because it hurt too bad. The more serious we got, the more I forgot about the fact and then I would’ve never told you anyway because I never would have thought to.”
He grabs my hand and I look up at him. He smiles and says, “I’m sorry I ruined our dinner with this.”
“I’m sorry I gave you a reason to wonder why I kept something from you.”
“I don’t know why it bothered me so much,” he says. “I think it was a mixture of the shock of seeing Drew and then my brain completely fucked itself when I found out everything. I am just exhausted, really, over the last few days. I’ve made a big deal over nothing.”
“I did the same thing earlier wondering what Drew said to you,” I say. “Curiosity at it’s best.”
“I want you to know, I don’t want you to lose the love you have for Evan. The fact that you were able to care for someone so deeply is a beautiful thing and I know you’ll probably always have a part of yourself missing because he’s gone. I know I can’t completely fix what’s broken, but I can promise you, I’ll never stop trying.”
“You’ve done a good job so far,” I say. I run my fingers through my hair and laugh and say, “Well that was a nice and awkward beginning to the night. I’m surprised I didn’t just freak out to be honest. Usually things like that would make me think about him and bring on the bad memories. I haven’t really had anything like that happen since the beach.”
“Well, that’s good.”
“It’s because of you,” I say.
“I don’t thin—“
“No,” I say, “it is because of you. Just…thank you, Elliot. For everything and for being in my life in general, really. You’ve done things for me that you’ll never be able to realize and for that, I will always be grateful. Meeting you was the best thing that has ever happened to me.”
“You’re welcome, William.”
He smiles and the grin reaches his eyes. The waitress brings our food and he thanks her as I’m lost in the features of his face. The beautiful, breathless face of Elliot Edwards.
Chapter Fifteen
Elliot
“I LEAVE AT THE END of May,” I say to Will who is sitting across the table from me.
“Do you have to go over before that for anything? To sign something or anything like that?”
“Nope,” I say. “They have housing set up for me there already, too. A nice two-bedroom.”
Will looks back down at his food, takes a bite and looks out the window.
“Hopefully it’s a nice place,” he says.
“They sent me some pictures.”
“Show me,” he says, smiling.
I pull out my phone and show him the email from them with all the pictures.
“I like the countertops in the kitchen; the granite blends well with everything else. All hardwood floors, though, that sucks.”
“Shit’s cold,” I say.
“Yeah,” he says.
He hands the phone back to me and goes back to his food.
It’s only a few more weeks until I leave and I still haven’t asked him to come with me. It’s not because I don’t want him to, but I don’t think there is a right moment to ask him and I’m too much of a pussy to ask him in general. Things are also still weird because of the whole engagement talk we had nights ago. He says it’s fine, but I know it made him uncomfortable because it made me uncomfortable and I didn’t even have a reason to be.
I put my phone on the table and look over at him again. I watch the way his jawline moves as he takes each bite and the way his eyes give a hint of a squint as he focuses on something outside.
He looks over at me and makes eye contact.
He smiles and says, “Yes, Elliot?”
“Just watching you,” I say.
“You didn’t eat very much.”
“I’m not hungry,” I say.
My stomach has been in knots since I found out when I leave. Not just because of the Will situation, but moving to a different country and not knowing how long you’ll be there is stressful and I feel like I’m going in to it all without any sort of clue whatsoever about what my future holds.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I say.
“Elliot,” he says, raising his eyebrows.
“Just a lot of stuff going on in the next month and a half. I have a lot to do before I go. I wouldn’t be as stressed if I knew how long I was going to be over there for.”
“I mean, you can always come back to good old America if you get sick of the place. But I see them wanting you to stay long term.”
“I know,” I say. “That’s what I’m nervous about because I already know I don’t want to stay long term. I’ve been thinking more about it. But that might change once I’m over there. I don’t know.”
This surprises Will and his eyes grow wide for a split second and then back to normal. He takes a drink of water and says, “Is this because of me?”
“No,” I say, because it’s true. “It’s an exciting opportunity and I really want to go over and experience life there for a little bit, but they haven’t mentioned at all me staying there permanently and I already know I’ll tell them no if they ask which I hope won’t ruin anything. My life is here. My friends are here.”
He looks down at his food and back up to me.
“You’re here,” I say.
“Maybe they’d let you do some things from over here once you do come back. Read manuscripts and things like that. You don’t have to be there really to give feedback and edit. Hell, they might even want to open an office over here and you could run it. Branch out the company and gain a wide variety of writers and readers.”
“I doubt it,” I say, “but maybe.”
“It will all be fine. They have a lot of faith in you already. If they see half the perfection that I see in you, they’ll be offering you all sorts of shit. Plus you said when they first offered you it that they had ideas for all sorts of possibilities, so don’t worry about it. Okay?”
He sits his plate to the side and puts all the trash from the table on top of it. The waitress brings over the check and he takes it out of her hand before I can even see it in her hand.
“You ready?”
“Whenever you are,” I say.
Will gets out his wallet and throws enough cash on the table to cover our meals plus a tip.
“You just paid for our dinner the other night, too,” I say.
“I don’t mind,” he says.
“Makes me feel like I’m not contributing anything,” I say.
“Well, how about we get back home and I’ll let you contribute in anyway you like?”
***
Will walks straight back to his bedroom when we get back to his apartment and I laugh as he takes off a different piece of clothing as he makes his way through the living room and down the hallway; his pants tossed on the couch, shirt thrown on the lamp by the TV, socks by the bathroom door, underwear outside of his bedroom door.
I walk into his room and he is already under the covers with the blanket covering just below his stomach. He smiles at me and slightly jerks his head motioning me to come closer.
I take off my shirt and watch his eyes slowly move up and down my body and I reach for my zipper on my pants. My cock is hard under my boxer briefs and his eyes gaze down to the outline of it as I take off my pants. I walk over to the right side of the bed that he is on and he grabs my cock as soon as I am within reaching distance.
I bend down to kiss his lips and he bites my bottom lip as he tugs on my cock.
He pulls down my underwear and bends his head down, taking me in his mouth. The sound of his lips smacking as he motions back and forth makes the pleasure even greater and I rest my right hand on the nightstand and he doesn’t let up.
Fully erect, I pull his head up to look at me and stick my tongue in his mouth. He moans and scoots over in the bed as I get underneath the covers. I grab his cock and smooth my thumb over his tip as I make my way from his mouth to his neck. He moans and puts his hand in my hair as I move from the left to the right of his neck.
He slowly flips over and curves his body – planting his ass straight up in a perfect alignment with my front. I run my hands down both cheeks and circle my right thumb in between them. I spread both cheeks wide and he sends out several loud moans as I stick my tongue in between them and prepare to untighten him.
I reach under and grab his cock, motioning it back and forth. I force his cock back and suck on the tip as I smooth my thumb in circles between his cheeks. He moans and I smile as some pre-come drips from his dick. I lick it up and make my way back to untightening him.
I rub my own cock back and forth and squirt some lube from the bottle on the nightstand into my hand. I lather my own cock in it and rub the rest around his rim. I slowly ease myself in and back out as I watch Will’s head arch back and a moan escape his lips.
As he gets more comfortable, I shove my whole length into him and he says, “Oh fuck.”
I smack into him, slow at first, and slowly speed up until I’m moving in and out without effort. The pleasure is amazing and I pull out of him and flip him back over. He arches his legs back and I add some more lube and push myself inside of him again. His head deepens into the pillow as he bites his bottom lip and grabs ahold of his cock with his hand.
He uses his other hand to rub my chest and my motions speed up as I watch him relish in pleasure. His eyes move down to his cock and he says, “I’m gonna come.”
I pound into him harder and faster and he moans and says, “So good.”
He shoots onto his stomach and deepens his head into the pillow again as he massages his tip and his moans echo through the room. I go to pull out and he locks his legs around my waist.
“No,” he says, “come in me. Enjoy it.”
I let out a deep moan as I unload inside of him and he motions back and forth. The pleasure is unrelenting and I fall on top of his stomach and close my eyes.
“That was fantastic,” he says. “Jesus, that was good.”
I pull out of him and smile as I look down at him and plant a kiss on his lips.
I make my way to the bathroom and turn on the shower. I hear the bed creek and the next thing I know, his hands are wrapped around me and his head is rested against my neck.
“I love you,” I say, leaning my head back and kissing him.
“Same,” he says, getting into the shower. I get in behind him and stand there with my arms wrapped around his waist and my head against his back. I think about the fact that the idea of not having this man in my life feels like torture and letting the thought of time away from him in another country make me so anxious and worried about our future is stupid.
He turns around and rests his chin on the top of my head and we stand there for what seems like forever.
***
I wake up and see we slept for a couple hours after we got out of the shower. Will is still asleep so I slowly make my way out of the bed and into the kitchen for some water. I hear Will’s phone ring as I make my way back down the hallway towards his room.
“What?” I hear him say as I get a few feet from the door. “Are they OK? Which hospital? Which room?”
I walk into his room and see him putting on his pants and shirt.
“Okay. Yes, i’m leaving here right now.” He looks up to me and his eyes are filled with tears.
“What is it?”
“That was Greg,” he says. “Lydia and Abbey were in an accident. He says they’re OK, but Lydia got pretty banged up.”
“I’ll drive you,” I say, moving towards my phone on the opposite side of the bed.
“No,” he says. “I mean, I can drive there, it’s fine. I’ll be fine, I just need to get there.”
“Are you su—“
“Yes,” he says, making his way out of the bedroom. Seconds later, I hear the front door slam shut and I sit on the edge of the bed wondering what I should do.
I make my way to the living room and sit on the couch. I dial Ethan’s number and wait for him to pick up as I try to focus on the situation.
“Hello?”
“Hey,” I say.
“What’s up?”
“Something happened. Will’s sister and niece were in a wreck. I was going to drive him there, but he said no and just left and I don’t know whether to stay here and wait for him or leave or go there anyway or what.”
“Are you OK? You sound upset.”
“I’m just confused. He really didn’t want me to go with him.”
“Did you drive there?” he asks.
“No,” I say, remembering I walked.
“I actually just left from your place, I was seeing Sam. I can come pick you up and we can talk about it or I can take you to the hospital or something.”
“Ok,” I say.
“Be there in a minute,” he says.
***
“I’m sure he didn’t mean anything by it,” Ethan says as we make our way into the city.
“I know,” I say. “He was just so quick to say no and it just surprised me, that’s all. He was really upset and I get that. Just didn’t figure he’d push past me like that without saying anything else.”
We eventually make our way down towards the pier. Ethan parks his car and we walk the rest of the way to an overlook over the water.
“Has he text you or anything? Surely he made it by now.”
“No,” I say, checking my phone again. I make sure for the hundredth time that it is set to loud and put it back into my pocket. I let out a deep breath and look out to where the sun is getting ready to set.
“We had a good day. We had a great day, honestly, and then this happens. Seems like every time we get to a good place, one of us either says something to take it down a few pegs or something happens that edges us apart.”
“You always find your way back together, though.”
“I know,” I say. “It’s just exhausting. Why can’t things just be simple and easy?”
“Because life itself is an exhausting experience, El.”
“I leave at the end of May by the way.”
I feel Ethan’s eyes glance over to me and back towards the water.
“Have you talked to him about going yet?”
“No,” I say. “I know I won’t be there long term, though. I don’t want to be. I want the experience, but I gotta come back here. My life is here.”
“You still need to ask him to go with you, El.”
“I know. Just haven’t found a good time to ask him. Esp
ecially now.”
“Ask him during sex,” he says, laughing. “He’ll say whatever you want him to then.”
“Thought about it,” I say.
“I have no doubt he’ll go.”
“I don’t either. I don’t know why I haven’t asked him yet. I think I feel selfish asking him I guess.”
“It’s not selfish wanting the love of your life to be with you as you experience new and exciting things in your life.”
“Still feels like I’m asking a lot out of him.”
“When things calm down,” he says, “ask him. If you don’t ask him soon then I’m going to ask him myself for you.”
“You still talking to that guy?”
“Yeah,” he says. “We finally did it. It was damn good, too. It was nice fucking for pleasure for once and not to feel something.”
“Fucking for pleasure is nice, I agree.”
“He’s a good guy,” he says. He looks from the water to the sidewalk where couples are walking hand in hand down the sidewalk.
“But?”
“What?” he says.
“What’s wrong with him?”
“Nothing’s wrong with him. It’s me.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” I say.
“It’s just weird for me,” he says. “I’ve never met someone who treated me like this. He really cares about me.”
“Do you not like him as well?”
“I do,” he says. “I don’t know. It’s just new. I want you to meet him. Dinner in a few weeks with you and William.”
“I can’t wait,” I say, smiling. “I’ve been waiting to meet someone that isn’t dumb as a box of rocks.”
“I know,” he says. “I’m sorry about Paul. Well, mostly about Ricky.”
“He was fine,” I say. “Just the opposite of what I wanted at the time.”
“But,” he says, smiling, “in a way, you never would have met Will if it wasn’t for me. You met him that night because of our shitty double date. So, you’re welcome I guess.”
I grab his shoulder and hug him into me.
“Thank you, Ethan. You truly did me a solid that night by making me have a terrible night that turned into a great one.”