“Good for you!” Nancy said, continuing the conversation Cynthia’s entrance had briefly interrupted, “I was done with my baby making by thirty-five. There was no way I could have done a pregnancy in my forties.”
“Oh, honey,” Cynthia recognized Bunny’s drawl instantly, “between you and me, I’m dryer than a dessert in a drought. Couldn’t carry one if I tried. And believe me, did we try,” she laughed, “she’s adopted. Some poor girl did all that work and then gave her right to me.” The women cackled together.
Cynthia froze in the living room. A dark haze closed in on her and she desperately stretched for the support of an armchair, which was just out of reach, as she felt herself fall.
Chapter 3: Odessa, Texas
Cynthia sat in the waiting room examining the poorly illustrated PSA posters on the walls and thought about how ridiculous it was that she was here. After she fainted in her mother’s house three days ago, Nancy had insisted that a professional examine her. Cynthia can still hear the ringing of “Bless her heart!” that she had woken up to.
Every moment since Cynthia found out that Clive and Bunny adopted their daughter had been torture for her. When she did sleep, which was rare, she was violently awoken by nightmares and flashbacks of giving birth and signing her child away.
One night, while Glen was out at a work dinner, she drank a few glasses of red to get herself to sleep. She barely remembered it the next morning, but she had picked up the phone and called Coop’s number. It was 2:00am and he hadn’t picked up, but she left a voicemail. She had no idea what she said, but she knew it couldn’t have been good. Her mother was right; there was definitely something wrong with her, but this doctor’s visit wasn’t going to help.
Cynthia shifted in her faux leather seat and looked around the room at the others waiting to be seen by the doctor. An elderly couple sat across from her. The woman had fluffy white hair and wore a white dress shirt with navy slacks. She was engrossed in a book while her husband, dressed down in jeans and a short-sleeved flannel top snoozed in the chair beside her. She looked wise and kind. Cynthia wondered if she would listen to her. Maybe she would know what to do. Maybe she, too, had watched another woman raise her child.
“Dowd?” A pretty blonde nurse in bright blue scrubs emerged from the inner maze of the office. She was young, probably around the age Cynthia was when she had her baby. Her eyes looked kind. A moment of silence followed.
“Oh, yeah, Cynthia? That’s me,” She wondered if there would ever be a day when she would actually answer to Glen’s last name.
“Cynthia, you haven’t been in here in a while, have you?” The nurse asked, flipping through the pages of her chart.
“No,” Cynthia replied, in a tone that was more dismissive than she had meant.
“Ok, no problem. Right in here,” she stretched a hand in the direction of an open exam room. Cynthia sat down on the exam table. The paper crinkled under her.
“Let’s get some background here if that’s okay with you? Do you know what you weigh?”
“128.”
“Last period?” The question hung in the air for a moment.
“I had a baby,” Cynthia blurted, staring at the floor.
“Oh, wow, you look great girl, okay—I didn’t see that in your records—when did you—”
“Six years ago.”
“Ok, I um, let me, like, get—”
“No,” Cynthia looked up from the floor and put a hand up to stop the nurse from getting up. “No, please, I had a baby. Caroline. Well, they named her Tara, didn’t they? I gave her up. I had to I couldn’t have kept her my mom would have…”
She paused for a moment. What would her mom have done? All the obvious conclusions she had drawn when she was pregnant six years ago suddenly seemed… more flexible. Back then, she was so sure that her parents would disown her, kick her out of the house, cut her off, stop paying her law school tuition, and she would literally end up dying of shame. But thinking about it now, what’s the worst that could have happened? Her parents always valued her education over everything else. They would have encouraged her to make school work. And despite how much she and Ryan complained about them, the truth was, Nancy and Smith loved and supported them through anything they had ever done. Hell, Ryan had a DUI and their parents not only bailed him out and paid his legal fees, but they also sued the bar he had been drinking at for over serving him.
“I didn’t think… You know, now that I say it out loud… I guess I just didn’t think I could,” her eyes filled with tears, “and now, I mean, I… I want her. I want her and her father. But they’re all so happy. Everyone’s so happy, but me.”
The nurse stared at her, not saying anything. Tears started to leak from her eyes.
“I just, can you let me get the doctor?” She said, gasping between sobs, “it’s my first day and I don’t think I’m, like, prepared for this kind of thing?” She put a hand over her heart, her chest heaving.
“It’s okay,” Cynthia said, suddenly calm, “I think I’ll just go. I should go.”
Cynthia stood up and walked out. In a daze, she noticed how beautiful of a day it was. The sun was shining brighter than it had been when she walked into the office. She got into her black Land Rover and ran her hands across the leather steering wheel. What a beautiful car. She remembered the day that she and Glen traded in her Volkswagen Jetta for it. There was nothing wrong with her Jetta. In fact, it was running perfectly. It couldn’t have been more than half way through its lifespan. But Glen convinced her a luxury SUV was what they needed. And it was great; it was more comfortable and ran better than her Jetta. At the time, she couldn’t articulate the reason she didn’t want it.
Now, though, it was clear. She wasn’t a soccer mom. She wasn’t a Stepford Wife. So much of her life over the last few years, in the wake of giving up her baby, had been established while she was running on autopilot. She met the man her parents set her up with and married him. She bought a beautiful house in a nice neighborhood. She traded in her faithful green Jetta for a Land Rover. What a beautiful car for someone to have, she thought, but not for her. None of this was for her.
Cynthia started the car and drove to her mother’s. She thought she would be nervous, but after all this time she was just excited it was going to be over. She couldn’t wait to tell her everything. No more holding back and hiding, no more lying, and most importantly, no more having to deal with this all this by herself.
Cynthia slammed her car into park in the driveway before she had come to a complete stop. She marched up the paved walkway and threw the front door open.
“Mom!” She called into the house.
“What!” Nancy yelled back, startled. She was sitting on an oversized armchair next to the door. She was reading a hard cover book while covered in a blanket.
“I’m right here. Don’t give me a heart attack, you know, I’m not as young as I used to be.”
“I had a baby, Mom.”
“Honey, what? You had a miscarriage?”
“No, no, Mom I had a baby. In law school.” A long silence followed.
“Roberta?” Nancy finally spoke, folding a bookmark into her book and taking off her reading glasses, “can you bring out some tea?”
“Okay,” her mother continued, “come here.”
Nancy pushed over to one side of her armchair and patted the seat. Cynthia slid in beside her. Nancy put an arm around her daughter and threw the blanket over both of them.
“You know, something wasn’t right. We could feel it. You really pulled away that year. Your father and I could tell. We didn’t know why, we figured it was the pressures of school or something, and we didn’t know how to ask, how to approach you,” she closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead.
“Cynthia, my baby, what happened?”
She told her mom everything. The pregnancy, how she wrote papers for other students on top of her own school work to pay for her expenses, the loneliness and panic of the delivery room, and finally, the adoption.
“You know,” she continued, “don’t think I didn’t know you and Coop were always off banging in the bathrooms.”
“Mom!”
“I just didn’t think it was my place, you were what, twenty-one, twenty-two years old? It wasn’t my business. You really had no business living at home, anyway, but I digress.”
“Mom, please!” She paused for a second to gather herself before she laid out the last bit.
“I think it’s Tara, Mom. I think that’s my baby.”
Nancy went quiet as she took a few seconds to process the last bit.
“You think that could be her? Cynthia you know you sound crazy. Like vaccinations give you autism crazy.”
“I know how it sounds Mom, but don’t you think that if you ran into a six-year-old me, you would have known it was me, no matter what? I just know. She has Coop’s eyes.”
“What does Coop think about all of this?” she asked.
“I don’t know, actually. He doesn’t know.”
“He doesn’t know you had her at all?”
“No.”
“Well honey, he has a right to know he has a kid out there. You know, it does make sense, though.”
“What does?”
“How you guys fell apart when you went to school. I always thought you two…” she trailed off, giving Cynthia a knowing look, “and Glen! Oh, Glen…” she shook her head slowly.
“What about Glen?
“And the teachers always told me you were so smart,” Nancy said sarcastically.
“What—” Cynthia put a confused look on her face before she realized she didn’t have to keep up this show anymore.
“What do you mean, what?” Nancy interrupted, “we both know where you should be right now, sweetie.”
“I know you guys haven’t spoken in a while and I know he has Rose now. And I guess you have that Glen of yours, which…” she paused for a second for emphasis.
“Timing is definitely not good... but honey, with something like this, it’s never going to be. And it’s only going to get worse. You’ve dealt with this alone for so long, and you shouldn’t have to anymore. I think you know what you need to do.”
Cynthia thought about this for a moment. She dropped her head onto her mother’s shoulder as tears fell silently from her eyes.
“You’re right,” she said. Years of pent up feelings she hadn’t allowed herself to acknowledge rushed to the surface.
“I know. I’m pretty quick for a grandma, huh?”
Cynthia choked out a laugh as she started to cry. In an effort to distract herself, she got up and stretched her legs. She felt like she had been sitting in that chair for the past eight hours.
“So how do we find out?” Nancy asked.
“What?”
“If that’s your kid! How do we know? Can we call the agency? We probably can’t ask Bunny, can we?” She mused, looking out the window towards their house.
“I have it.”
“What do you mean you have it?”
“I have a paper they gave me with all their information. In case I ever wanted to contact the parents or anything, I guess. The lady from the adoption agency gave it to me.”
“Where? What are we waiting for?”
“I don’t know. I just never really looked at it.”
“Good God, Cynthia. Where is it?”
“At my house. In my underwear drawer.”
The words were barely out of her mouth and Nancy was already pulling a fur coat from the coat closet in the foyer.
“You really need a fur for this?”
“I’m about to have a grandchild, honey, this is a special occasion.”
They speed walked across the street to Cynthia’s snow covered lawn.
“Do you think Roberta didn’t hear me about the tea, or do you think she just ignored me?”
“Jesus, Mom!” Cynthia laughed through her tears, “I don’t know. I’m sure she didn’t hear you.”
“Sometimes I wonder about her,” Nancy shook her head slowly.
They rushed up the stairs at Cynthia’s house. Nancy plopped down on the bed, her fur coat clashing with the crisp simplicity of the bedroom.
“Are you ready?” She asked, smiling.
“I think I’m as ready as I’ll ever be,” Cynthia replied as she pulled open her top drawer. She handed the paper in question to her mother and flopped face down on the bed.
“You do it. I can’t.”
“Okay,” Nancy replied quietly. The only sound for the next few minutes was the gentle ripples of the paper and Nancy read it through.
“Odessa, Texas,” she said finally, flipping it over to see if she had missed anything on the back.
“Yeah, I know, what else does it say?”
“That’s it. Baby Girl Holland, blah blah blah, a couple in Odessa, Texas. That’s it.”
Cynthia’s stomach dropped. Her heart started pumping fast. There must be more. Nancy must have missed something. Cynthia grabbed the paper from her mother’s hand.
“That’s all is says? That can’t be it. It’s on here somewhere…”
She scanned the paper, then carefully read it through. Nancy was right.
“That’s it. I can’t believe that’s it. I always thought the answer would be right here.”
Cynthia pulled out her phone and searched the name of the agency. The first result was an article from a paper she had never heard of. She read the headline to her mother.
“The Hartfield Private Adoption Agency Shut Down Under Scrutiny of Fraud. It’s dated four years ago.”
“These private agencies aren’t always on the up and up, you know.”
“Thanks Mom, that’s exactly what I need right now,” she felt the tears returning.
Nancy rolled her eyes.
“Oh, you know what I mean, I didn’t mean to be... I’ll go home and keep looking. There has to be someone we can contact. In the meantime, honey, I think you should talk to Coop.”
“Yeah. I’ll call him.”
Nancy stood up and smoothed her coat.
“Look at me, all dolled up for nothing,” she said, with a smirk. Cynthia smiled at her mother.
“Thanks Mom, for, you know, just being…” Cynthia had no idea what to say. Nancy stepped in and hugged her.
“Stop it. Of course,” Nancy said, patting Cynthia on the back. “I’m just sorry I couldn’t have helped sooner.”
Chapter 4: A New Journey
Cynthia stared at the phone in her hand. She knew what she had to do but wasn’t sure she had the strength to do it. But this was her chance. Glen was at work for at least the next few hours. Like a Band-Aid, right? She put the phone to her ear. At the third ring, she didn’t think he was going to pick up. It was a stupid idea anyway, she thought, when she was interrupted by the smooth sound of Coop’s voice.
“Hey,” he whispered.
“Hi, um,” she paused. She really should have rehearsed this before she called.
“Is this an okay time?”
“Yeah, yeah sure, what’s up?”
“Would you,” Cynthia fought the against the lump in her throat as best she could, “can you come over?”
There was a pause on the other end of the line.
“You want me to come over?” He repeated.
“Yeah. Can you?”
He paused again, but only for a moment.
“Sure, is everything ok?”
“No. Not really. See you in a few,” she didn’t wait for his response before she dropped the phone.
Cynthia heard him walking up the driveway a few minutes later. She opened the door before he had a chance to ring the doorbell.
“Hi,” she said, staring at him. He was in his usual jeans and black tee shirt. His hair was
swept straight back out of his face so she had a clear view of his green eyes. The same eyes she had seen on Tara.
“Can I, uh,” he gestured inside.
“Oh yeah, sure,” she stepped aside and he came in. Even with the circumstances being what they were, she couldn’t help feeling a bit giddy standing next to him again, alone, after all this time. So much so that she momentarily forgot the real reason she had invited him over.
She led him into the living room and gestured for him to sit. The room was specifically created to be a calming environment. The designer had said something about the gentle blues and greens helping her and Glen unwind after a long day of work. She smiled a bit at the thought of that. We’ll see.
“Holland, I don’t know where to even start,” Coop said after a pause, “you have a beautiful home,” he smiled.
It was just like him to deflect a tough talk like this with a joke. Part of Cynthia wanted to smile along with him, but she couldn’t. She had to get this out.
“That’s not what this is about, Coop. I wish there were, I wish I… well, okay. Back when we dated. When I was pregnant. When I told you and you didn’t—”
“I was young and stupid; I should have—”
“No, stop. Just let me finish. I was pregnant. You left. I was a mess. I really was. I went to law school, and I didn’t know a single person. I was completely alone and I couldn’t talk to anyone. I mean, when I talked to you, who I thought at the time was,” she stumbled a bit; she wanted to call him her soul mate but didn’t know how to react. But she was laying it all out, right? She couldn’t censor it now.
“I thought you were my soul mate, my everything. You were the one person in the world who understood me and cared about me more than anything. And you had such a terrible reaction. It made me feel so betrayed, like I had done something so terribly wrong. Anyway, Coop, I kept her. I kept her. I had her.”
Cynthia waited a moment before she looked up at him. He remained still in his chair. She couldn’t read his facial expression. After what seemed like an eternity, he reached up and ran his fingers through his hair and propped his face up on his elbows.
“You had her,” he repeated, as if he didn’t understand what the words meant. He rubbed his jaw with his fingers.
Romance: The College Bad Boy: A Young Adult Romance Page 50