A Journey Deep

by Beth Reason

  Chapter 2

  I hated to admit Dad was right, but I felt like hell. I felt like I was broken up in pieces and not all here. It's a pain I've never felt before, stretching, pulling, feeling like I'm breaking, and yet knowing full well I'm not.

  "It's just the psychological effects, Kiddo," Ralph kept telling me. "It's not real. The trick is to make your mind up that it's not real." He didn't seem to be suffering at all.

  We were on the Mars base with the idiotic name of Utopia. I was in agony. It couldn't possibly be "Utopia".

  "It's also the gravity."

  "I've been in gravity before," I snapped at Ralph. He was so damn calm. Sitting there, on the edge of the bed, munching a snack while I writhed in pain. I wished Dad jumped with me.

  "You've been in some gravity. All the world's you've been on have less than Earth."

  "So?"

  "So, it's going to take awhile. Even here's less. We'll be here a few weeks. Get you up and walking around and used to a more normal weight. As soon as you stop snapping my head off, we can start the conditioning training in the gym."

  "Sorry," I muttered through the pain. I didn't mean to snap at Ralph. I liked Ralph a lot. It wasn't his fault he was used to the extreme jumping.

  He waved a hand like it was nothing. "Just start thinking of it like this. Your brain only thinks you're spread all out, because in your mind, you should be. In your mind, you got yanked from one place and stretched out instantly to the other...snap! Just like a piece of gum."

  "What's gum?"

  "A rubber band, then."

  I still didn't know what he was talking about, but I didn't bother to ask. The pain was much worse when he made me focus on it.

  "But your brain only thinks that's what happened because it's not designed to comprehend its own molecular make up."

  "Ralph," I warned him.

  "Fine. No science lectures. I'll nutshell it for you. We've been traveling. We went a meter, our brains went the meter, our bodies went the meter, and then we did it again and again. We made it in one piece. We were never stretched or broken apart. There is no particle of Jake left in another galaxy. It just didn't happen that way, no matter what the brain thinks."

  It was helping. His calm, reasonable voice was doing far more than any of the nurses or doctors who seemed genuinely baffled could do. I can't blame them for their confusion. We were the first jumpers they've tried to treat and while Ralph insisted StarTech filled them in on the protocol Mother had forwarded in advance of our arrival, I guess it's different when you're actually in the middle of things trying to figure out why some kid is screaming.

  "How long did it take?"

  "For us? Or for them? That's the question your brain is having trouble with."

  "Why isn't yours?"

  "Because I'm far better at science than you, Jake. I get it. I understand. Heck, I've spent my whole thinking life working through these quantum problems! And I know from HuTA that you fast forward many of your lessons." He gave a little laugh. "Can't hide anything from a 'bot, kid. I've given so much thought to this kind of travel that it just makes sense. My brain isn't confused."

  "Helps you did it before," I said, trying to shift the way I was thinking and make my own brain convinced I was all there.

  "True. But even the first time it wasn't much for me. Your mother, now...that's a different story. Of course, she was pregnant with you. That probably made it worse."

  "I never felt this way on the ship," I protested, putting his theory to the test.

  "Of course not! Why would you? See, to you, the ship was your world. You never really traveled, because your world, the one you knew, always went with you." He crumpled the bag he had been eating out of and tossed it on a table near the bed. Almost instantly a small bot appeared and cleared the wrapper, then cleaned the spot it had been on and disappeared. "You see that? We didn't have those on the ship. Not our world, and your brain knows it."

  "I've been to surfaces of planets..."

  "And to you it was like making a day trip. An hour hop, a nice little tour, and back home. This is the first time you've completely jumped, the first time you've left your home and gone bazillions of miles away."

  I had to smile. "I don't remember HuTA saying anything about bazillions."

  He grinned at me. "It's a scientific term. You wouldn't understand."

  I was starting to feel a little better. His explanation actually made sense. I doubt I can ever really explain it to someone else. But something in my brain latched on to the idea, nodded, and started to get on with life. "Have you talked to Dad?"

  He hesitated for a second before answering. "There's been no communications, not yet. But I'm sure your dad got our biostat readouts on his end and knows we made it just fine."

  I made a noise. "Like he cares."

  "None of that, you hear me? Your father was right to send you home and I won't have any attitude about it. It's done. And you've got a whole lot to learn about being a human if you're going to be good for anyone." He was angry. I think it was the first time Ralph was ever angry at me. He got up and walked across the room. "I'm taking a shower. When I'm done, you're getting up off that bed and taking one, too." He slammed the door.

  A nurse came running. "Can I get you anything, Mr. Cosworth?"

  Two things of importance here. First, most people are weird. Even in my pain I felt uncomfortable around them. Ralph told me I would get used to it. "Didn't you feel weird around Ashnahta when you first met her?" No. No, I didn't. But those nurses and doctors, they all put me on edge. "All docs do that," he insisted, as if doctors and nurses were a different tribe all of their own. Maybe. Maybe they are, or maybe they just seemed to be because they were always...hovering. Watching. There at every second of every day. Only a few days around them and I was already sure I was the alien.

  The other thing was the "Mr. Cosworth" business. It took two full days for me to realize they were talking to me when they said it. I'm not a moron, but last names had always been completely unnecessary. Of course I knew my last name was Cosworth. Somewhere. I knew it in the back of my head. But I'd never used it. I'd never been called it. No matter who I was introduced to, whatever tribe, I'd always been Jake. Or Jakey. Like Ralph had always been Ralph, not Mr. Buttrick. I actually did not know that was his last name. It might seem like a silly little thing, but the whole concept of last names felt daunting. Why were there last names? Because there were so many people that it's necessary, that's why. Utopia and Earth were not tiny communities of twenty seven, like I knew on the ship. I was no longer one of a tiny tribe on a rock. In the blink of an eye, I became one of billions.

  I told the nurse I was fine. I could feel my cheeks turn red. She gave me a smile and ignored me, fluffed my pillows and summoned a glass of water for me anyway. "I must say you're starting to look a little better." She had the StarTech patch on her uniform. I hadn't noticed before. I wondered if this is a StarTech facility, or if they just flew these docs and nurses in for us.

  "I'm feeling better," I said, hoping she'd stop fiddling with the blankets. "It's okay. I'm fine..."

  "Lena," she said. "I've been your nurse for five weeks, but I'm not surprised you don't remember me."

  I bolted up in bed, and was instantly sorry. My head started swimming and I got that disconnected feeling again. I told my brain to shut up...it was only a pillow and a few feet of travel. Remarkably, that worked. My brain almost grumbled, but the pain and longing feeling for where I just was stopped. "I've been here for five weeks?"

  "Yes. You were out for the first few, but then when you started to come around, you were in so much pain." She lowered her voice and looked to the door, as if she was afraid of getting caught. "We were really worried for awhile."

  Five weeks. I was laying here for five weeks. No wonder Ralph was on me to get up and shake it off!

  Lena plumped my pillow again and asked if I wanted to lie back down. I shook my head and made to stand. She put her hand on my chest. S
he was just a short young woman, but I was surprised at her strength. "Oh no, not yet. You've got atrophy. I'll call a walker."

  My face burned. A walker? Like I was a baby? She called for the walker, and as soon as she slacked her hand, I pushed off the bed.

  ...and landed on the floor.

  Lena giggled. She had the good sense to look serious when I rolled over to look at her. But she did giggle, and I'll never forget that gut-wrenching embarrassment. "I told you to wait." A bot came in. It was a peculiar contraption with legs and a curved bar at the top. Lena held her hand down to me. "Grab my forearm and hold on." I tried to pull myself up. "No! Let me do the work. Trust me, I'm an expert. Grab and hold and allow me to do the rest." I did and with dizzying speed, I was propped in the walker bot, feeling soft clamps close over my ankles and wrists. "Don't fight it. Just lean back a little and then take steps. It's intuitive."

  I didn't understand what she meant by that until I gave it a try. I lifted my leg and moved it forward as if to step, and felt the machine adjust to me. I took one step, then another. "It's like the Trekmen!"

  "Trekmen?"

  I couldn't explain how happy I felt. It might sound ridiculous, but this was something I knew. This was my first familiar item. "Yes, the Trekmen."

  "I don't know what that is."

  I was floored. I mean, floored! Was she being serious? Yes, the look on her face said she was. "Wow, really? Uh, okay. Well, see, they are these support bots, a lot like this...well, not at all like this, really, but they feel the same. You use them to explore new terrain."

  "New terrain?"

  "Yeah. You know, uncharted planets and moons. Asteroids. Places where you don't really know what you're getting in to."

  Lena's eyes were wide. "Holy...you mean...you really are from the stars, aren't you?"

  I frowned. "Of course I'm not. No one can be from a star. They'd burn up before they were born!"

  Lena laughed and ran a hand through her hair. "Cosworth. Oh wow. Oh boy. Oh my..."

  I heard the bathroom door open and moved as if I was in a Trekman. To my glee, the walker followed and turned almost effortlessly to Ralph.

  "Buttrick," Lena whispered. "Oh....my...."

  Ralph sighed. "Here we go."

  I didn't know what was going on. I turned back to Lena. "What?"

  "But it's been...it's...a hundred years?"

  "Maybe. I haven't really done the math."

  "But you look so young!"

  Ralph laughed. "Wormholes, the fountain of youth."

  "The girls aren't going to..."

  "Hear about this at all," Ralph cut in quickly.

  I looked to Ralph, I looked to Lena, I looked to Ralph. It was as if a whole conversation was happening. It was as if they were inspeaking. I opened myself and searched, but they weren't, at least not in any way I could understand.

  "Okay," Lena said slowly. "I get it."

  "You better," said Ralph, tapping the StarTech badge he wore.

  Lena bit her lip and looked quickly to the door. "Can I...can I get either of you anything?"

  "My young friend here is going to take a shower. I'd like an official uniform for him."

  "Yes, sir."

  "And if you could schedule us a little conditioning time in the gym, I'd appreciate it. The sooner he gets out of that Trekmen, the better."

  "Walker, sir. We call them walkers."

  Ralph winked and gave her a nod. "Very good. Thank you. I appreciate the heads' up. I believe the idea is to, uh, blend."

  Lena gave a silly little laugh. "Holy...I mean... Wow. It's really you, isn't it?" She shook her head. "Well, I'll do my best to help with that goal."

  "Thank you, Lena." She gave another little nod, then left.

  "What was that..."

  "Not now." His voice was firm, and I listened. I might not be the best at reading people, but I do know how to tell when someone "means it". He meant it. "Get in the shower. Use the railings."

  I showered. I did as I had always done. I got in, held the railings, and spent less than sixty seconds under the water. I was soaped and rinsed and waiting for the water to shut off as it did on the ship. But, it didn't shut off. It was also hot, not lukewarm. And there was loads of it. It poured out of the head in buckets. I stood there for the five luxurious whole minutes, the longest shower of my life, and then a little buzzer went off followed by an automated voice that announced I had only one more minute of water. Six minutes! I stood there and used enough water to account for two months of showers on the ship, all in the span of six minutes.

  I waited until the water ended, then got out. A bot was standing ready with a full uniform. I dried off sitting on a toilet, almost completely spent, and got in the uniform. I was very happy to get back in the walker. I left the bathroom in a cloud of steam and started to head back for the bed.

  Ralph put down the holocom he was reading and stood up. "This way."

  "But I'm drained."

  "And you'll stay drained if you get back in that bed."

  I would have stomped my foot if it wasn't clamped to the walker. I started to protest, but the look on Ralph's face told me that would not be allowed. I followed him out the door, letting the walker take even more of my weight with every step.

  Gravity sucks.

  Okay, I suppose it's not all bad. Without it things would be flying all over the place. Even our ship had gravity. I should say, the amount of gravity on Utopia sucked. It seemed very excessive to me. Every step took ten times the amount of effort as it ever had for me. Every push on the weight bar was like trying to move a mountain. To me, there was no logical reason to exist with that much gravity. Ralph couldn't even explain it. He laughed every time I asked and just told me "that's just how it is". And I was supposed to get ready to handle even more. "Don't worry, kid. We'll get you conditioned here and then when you hit home you'll be able to adjust just fine. It's this first step that's the hardest."

  I rolled into bed sometime later. It felt like hours and hours. It may have just been a few minutes. I was so exhausted I slept right through dinner and would have slept through breakfast the next morning if Ralph didn't team up with Lena and force me to wake up, sit up, and eat.

  "Why am I so tired?"

  "Gravity. Even when you're not walking, it's working on every part of you. Every muscle, every breath, every heart beat is working double time to adjust. It's why no one is allowed to be born in a low gravity situation..." He shoved the plate at me. "And why you've got to work twice as hard to prove them wrong."

  Now, I had never heard anyone bash StarTech. I'd never heard any of the crew or my folks speak badly about them. Why should they? They funded the mission, made my parents' dream a reality. But sometimes I got the feeling that there was an anger there, something none of them dared to say out loud. When Ralph urged me on, it was like that. There was something there. So I ate. And then I walked. And then I worked until I thought I would break and spent an hour having all of my vitals checked before I was blessedly allowed to collapse back in bed and do it all again after a rest.

  Time passed in a blur. It was like that for weeks on end. Slowly, I began to walk more and use the walker less. Slowly I began to lift heavier bars for longer. Slowly I began to breathe without noticing the effort it took. It was working. It was paying off. And the stronger I got, the clearer things became for me. I could have a thought without falling asleep in the middle of it. I could talk with Lena while I walked down the hall, instead of huffing and puffing the whole way. And I could miss people.

  That's the thing about "feeling better". Once you start, everything else that took a back seat in your mind comes rushing forward. As I worked out, I started wondering what Dad was up to. As I ate, I thought of Daniel's cooking and how Dad was right and it really was terrible. As I showered I thought about Stephan going on and on about his life support systems and how inadequate they were. I even missed Mother, even if she called me Jakey.

  But it was at night that was the
worst. In the dark with Ralph snoring and the nurses station closed, it was safe to miss my friends. Little Blob. I tried to inspeak. He had told me once that no amount of miles could really get in the way of inspeaking, and, true to his word, I had kept in touch the entire time we were around Laak'sa. Try as I might, I couldn't find him. Maybe it wasn't something that could happen across galaxies. Maybe the wormhole blocked it. I wished I could find someone here who knew about inspeaking. If only someone could have told me how, I wouldn't have been so lonely.

  And then, of course, I'd think of Ashnahta.

  Late one night a bot alerted Lena that I was out of my bed. I didn't know she was "on call". If I had, I wouldn't have bothered her. Apparently the bots were set to notify the nurse on call if a patient was out of bed for more than half an hour. Lena explained it's a safety measure. She scared the crap out of me when she came bursting in. The light from the hallway flooded in and she scanned the room. I was sitting by the window. No plasma displays here, not on Utopia. Foot thick glass that distorted the night sky, made it slightly wavy. I was looking off to where Ralph said the wormhole was. As silly as it sounds, I had a thought that maybe if I could see the connection...

  I said it was a silly thought. I know darn well you can't actually see a wormhole. I was tired and lonely. Cut me some slack.

  "Jake," she whispered. I had long since insisted she stop calling me Mr. Cosworth. "Is something wrong? Are you feeling ill?"

  She crossed the room and sat on the bench next to me.

  "No. I'm fine. I thought you were all gone home."

  "I'm on call." She took out a thermometer and stuck it in my ear anyway.

  "I'm fine," I said, pulling it out.

  "I've been called and this is for the record." I sighed and let her use it. I pulled up my shirt and let her place the vital check on my chest. In a few seconds it beeped and she pressed the enter button to solidify my vitals in the records forever. "You're just fine."

  "I told you."

  "Can't sleep?"

  I shook my head.

  "Thinking about home?"

  I nodded, feeling a lump in my throat.

  "I miss home too, sometimes." I didn't know how old she was. An adult. Maybe thirty, if that.

  "Where's your home?"

  She gave a small laugh. "Where everyone's is, silly. Earth." She looked at me then, and quirked an eyebrow. "Okay, Mr. Spaceman. Everyone but you."

  "How long does it take to get to Earth from here?"

  "Three weeks, if you're Class B."

  "Class B?"

  She nodded. "Yes. Working class. It's a commuter system. I'm Class B."

  "How many classes are there?"

  "Seven. A through G."

  "Is A the highest?"

  "No, silly! I'm not that close to the top. G, that's the highest."

  "How long does a transport take for them?"

  "Less than a day."

  My eyes went wide. "Why can't you do it in that time then?"

  "I'm not allowed."

  I couldn't wrap my head around it. "But if it's possible for some, why can't everyone?"

  "Well, first, there's no reason I need to be back on Earth that quickly. Then there's the cost."

  "Cost?"

  "Yes. It's very expensive to travel that quickly."

  I had to laugh. I just couldn't help it. "But a fah'ti is free!"

  Lena frowned. "What's a fah'ti?"

  I could only sit there in disbelief. I may not get the specifics of space and time, but I do know that as soon as Mother decoded the information, she sent fah'ti plans back to Earth. Of course they didn't have the materials yet, those would be sent later after the deal with the Qitan. But Mother had been saying for years that StarTech was teaching about all of her findings, getting ready to advance the race, preparing for wide scale space travel. Maybe Lena didn't know about them because she was just a nurse. Maybe it was simply outside her scope of learning.

  "Fah'ti's are Qitan technology that allows for independent wormhole jumping." It felt like a wall fell between us, her confusion was so complete. "You know. Qitani." She shook her head, and I frowned. "You've never heard of the Qitani of Laak'sa?"

  "Of where?" She turned slightly, and even though she was confused, she seemed very interested.

  "But...it's been years. Decades and decades here." Surely they would at least be teaching about the tribes we found. "You didn't learn about them in school?"

  Lena glanced to the door, then to snoring Ralph. "Look, Jake. It's clear that there are things you don't yet understand about your new world."

  "It's not my world."

  She waved it off completely as if it was a trivial matter. "We've colonized Luna. We've colonized Mars, here in Utopia. StarTech just announced last year that they've set their sights on travel outside the solar system, and it's really caused a stir."

  "But my folks and the team..."

  "Are legends," she said quickly in a soothing voice. "They are absolute legends of hope, and that's it. I see you here. I see Mr. Buttrick, even though I can hardly believe it."

  "It's the truth," I said firmly.

  "I know. I get it. I've see the both of you...that kind of muscle atrophy can only be a symptom of years and years in low gravity, and since you're only a kid, that can really only mean one thing. The rumors, the whispers...they're correct." She held her hands up. "I'm trying here, kid. I'm really trying to put myself in your shoes and help you understand some things because I highly doubt anyone at S.T. is going to take that kind of time. But you have to understand a few key things. I might lose my job for this, but I like you. I think you should know.

  "First, no one knows you exist. You're a rumor, one that gets resurrected every few dozen years by conspiracy theorists, but one no one really thinks is true. Giving birth off world is strictly forbidden."

  "Why?"

  "Because not enough is known about it yet. Because the population must be strictly monitored. Because what happens if space germs get in and taint a newborn's undeveloped system and he mutates and..." She must have seen the look of horror in my face. "Calm down. I didn't say that's actually what happens. I said we don't know. And until we're sure, it's illegal."

  "So I'm...an outlaw?"

  She gave me a half smile. "Don't let it go to your head. You had nothing to do with it. But why do you think Mr. Buttrick is so hell bent on having you at peak, nice and strong?"

  "I'm getting there," I said defensively.

  "You are. And you're doing great. But for your own sake, keep it up."

  "Got it."

  "Good. Next thing you need to know is that no one knows about what your parents have discovered."

  "But they've been sending communications for years!"

  "Maybe. And maybe S.T.'s been getting them. If they are, they aren't sharing it with us."

  "Why?"

  "Kid, I already told you I'm low on the totem pole." I had no idea what she was talking about, but she didn't bother to explain. "I can't possibly know why. I'd have to at least be an E or an F for that. Who knows? Maybe the geeks are busy working on things. Maybe they think we can't handle it. My point is, no one knows what you know. I've never heard of that Kitten place."

  "Laak'sa is the place, Qitan are the people."

  "Whatever," she said, which annoyed me. "I've never heard of them. My point to you is that you can't be offended by that. Have you ever been to Toledo?" I shook my head. "Do you even know where Toledo is?" I shook my head again, slowly, getting her point. "Oh, you don't know about Toledo? Well everyone who's anyone does! How could you possibly not know that?"

  She was giving me a wry smile. I got her point loud and clear.

  "Laak'sa is a planet, on our star charts v-2447 in the unnamed galaxy simply marked V through wormhole vector 417." It all went over her head since she was not a scientist or navigator. It didn't matter. She was taking the information because she knew I had to talk about it.

  "Laak'sa?"

&nb
sp; "Yes."

  "And you've been there?"

  "Yes."

  "And you miss it."

  It wasn't a question. I nodded.

  "Then tell me about Laak'sa and I'll tell you about Earth and then maybe we won't miss them so much." It sounded like a good plan to me. "What's Laak'sa like?"

  "Green. Very, very green. Not like Mars. Not even like Earth. They call Earth the blue planet. Dad called Laak'sa the emerald planet."

  "Are there oceans?"

  "Yes, but small ones. There's far more land than sea, with great networks of spider web rivers instead. Maybe there's about the same amount of water, now that I think about it. It's just all broken up. My HuTA showed me pictures of Earth from space."

  She gave me a smile. "You have a HuTA?"

  "Of course. How else would I learn?" She laughed again, which I didn't understand, but she told me to keep talking. "Anyway, you know how Earth looks blue from space? Laak'sa is the deepest green you could imagine. We didn't think it was hospitable at first, since we didn't see the water. We actually landed on v-2445 first and met our first real intelligent life, the Ehkin."

  "What were they like?"

  I got up and crossed to my bunk. I took out my holocom and called up some pictures. I found a silly one of Little Blob playing a prank on his sister and handed it over. "That's Little Blob."

  Her eyes went wide. "Uh...apt name."

  "Yeah. It's just a rough translation, but it works."

  "And it's...he's your...friend?"

  "Yes. First one off ship." I took the holo back and smiled at the face looking back at me. "See how it's sandy there? Lots of oceans on v-2445, but not a ton of plant life. They are an algae based society. They eat it through osmosis."

  "I...see..." she said, though clearly she didn't.

  I smiled at the pic, then scrolled ahead to a file on Laak'sa. "Oh, here. Forgot I had this. It's a download screen grab from the plasma display as we approached Laak'sa." The familiar green orb, like a stab to the chest.

  Lena looked at it and gasped. "Oh, it's beautiful! Are there two suns?"

  "Yes, though one's very small and offers very little heat." I took the holo back and flipped through, to the ones in orbit. "Here you can see the rivers. Lots and lots of rivers. And one large ocean. Almost all their civilization lives around the ocean's edge, because once you get into those rivers, things get pretty wild."

  Lena studied the picture with deep concentration. "The cities...is that what I'm seeing around here?" She pointed around the ocean.

  "Yes."

  "They look enormous."

  "The Qitan have a population of around seven trillion."

  Her eyes went wide. "Trillion?"

  "Yes. But they don't live long. About twenty years in our life."

  "Oh," she said. "That's awful."

  It was. I always thought so. I flipped ahead. "Here's the first look at their main city where we spent most of our time."

  "The buildings look like ours!"

  I don't know why she was surprised. Why shouldn't they? A building is a building is a building. The most sensible ones are boxes with different rooms. Why should we be the only tribe to have that basic idea? "They're buildings." I scrolled ahead. "Ah. Here's one of their transports. Their metal all has this opal shine to it. I think it makes their ships absolutely beautiful. You should see it when the suns both hit. I've seen all kinds of ore, and I think theirs is the best."

  She looked at it and nodded slowly. "Yes, I see what you mean. I wonder what makes it that color?"

  "Minerals. They have different ones than we do."

  "But they have trees and water. They have to have some of the same."

  "Some. But the base is something completely new that Stephan calls Laaksonium. I don't think he's got the right to name it, but it didn't seem to matter much when Mother presented the idea to Morhal."

  "Morhal?"

  "Yes. Primary leader of the Qitani."

  "You met their leader?"

  I frowned. "Of course we did. She invited us when we were on v-2445. Besides, Dad would have sought her out for permission anyway. It's only polite."

  "I guess," Lena said. I didn't like the tone of her voice.

  "Do you just go in other peoples' houses without asking first?"

  She gave a laugh. "Well I guess not."

  "Neither do we." I took the holocom and scrolled through until I found the pictures I took at the welcoming ceremony. I felt a longing, even for Morhal. "Here she is. Morhal. Next to her is Ta'al, the secondary, and their children."

  She gasped. "They're green!"

  I frowned. "I told you it was a green planet."

  "But...they're green."

  I shrugged. "And you're pink. And other people are brown. And some are kind of blue. So what? They have a vegetation diet for the most part. If all you ate was green food, you'd be green too!"

  I suppose I sounded angry. I suppose I was angry. I felt like she was offending my tribe. "I'm sorry, Jake. I didn't mean anything. I've just...I've never seen an alien before."

  "They are not aliens," I said through clenched teeth. I hated the word. I hated the word since HuTA taught it to me. "I was the alien. And they accepted me." I flipped to Ashnahta. "She accepted me, the royal daughter, the next in line to rule the empire as Primary."

  It was a particularly beautiful picture of her in her official regalia. Gemstones were inset across her collarbone, her deep blue hair twisted around the golden symbol of the tree that was the royal seal. She wore the silken cloth they spun from the ma'ktu flowers that was as thin as flowing as the river water itself. And she had that look in her violet eyes that gets to me every time. I remember what she was thinking. I'd know it by the look even if I didn't clearly remember. She was thinking "Who are you, you pink little blob in a funny suit? Who are you to look upon me like that?"

  "What's her name?" Lena asked after a moment.

  "Ashnahta."

  "That's a beautiful name. Does it mean anything?"

  I had to grin. "All of their names mean something. Hers roughly means 'blessed assassin'." Lena gasped, which made me laugh. "It's the highest compliment."

  "Are they mean then?"

  "Mean? No. They just don't have time to screw around. If you are there to make trouble, you die."

  "What do you mean?"

  I didn't understand what was confusing. "I mean just that. If you don't work, you die. If you hurt someone else, you die. If you take what isn't yours, you die. If you break the rules, you die."

  "Just like that?"

  "Yes just like that. What other way could there be?"

  "No trials? No chance to defend themselves?"

  She was getting angry, but I had no idea why. "Lena, it's not as if they don't know the rules. If they break them, they do it knowing they are breaking them."

  "And that goes for everyone? What about women?"

  "Women rule the place."

  "Fine! What about men?" She was on the verge of tears.

  "Of course the rules apply to them."

  "Children, too?"

  "Yes."

  "That's awful!" She handed the holocom back to me. "What an unforgiving, cold society that must be. You mess up and die? Thanks, but you can keep your Laak'sa."

  Now I was getting angry. "There you go, classic human thinking your way is the only way. These people..."

  "Aliens."

  "People," I stressed. "They live only twenty years, if they're lucky. They have a very little time for each generation to contribute and grow. They have to be efficient and they can't waste time warring."

  "I always figured an advanced race would be above violence."

  I gave a bitter laugh. "Now why would you think that? The only peaceable people we ever met were the Ehkin and I doubt they'd be so peaceable if they had hands. If you can think, then someone can think better than you. If you can hit, then someone can hit harder. And if you have something, build something, make something, some crazy p
erson will want to take the easy road and take it from you instead of working to make it for themselves."

  She looked at me in silence for a few seconds. "You know a lot for a kid."

  "No. I just know people. Look at the Qitani. You cringed because they are a different color. But look again. Really look. They are a little taller. They are skinner in the chest because of the type of air they breathe. They have adapted to needing far less oxygen than we do. But that's about where the differences end. They have two eyes, two hands, two legs. They have stomachs and brains and thoughts and feelings." I gave her my version of Mother's speech. "And they love and hate and cry and laugh and fight and win, just like us. We have over a hundred years now. Each one of us can live five times as long as the luckiest of the Qitani. If you had only twenty years to build something better for your children, you'd be hard, too. There just isn't time to let someone take anything. There isn't time for second chances. What tribe you are has nothing to do with it. Some things will always be the same."

  I turned away from her. I was angry, but not really at her. I was angry because I remembered this same conversation with the members of my ship, my crew, my family. They had said similar things, only louder and longer. Every difference was harped on once we were in the safety of our own ship at the end of the day. Every nuance of "racial individuality", as Mother called it, was poured over, analyzed. Dad was the only one who agreed with me. "That's just how they've developed here. And we'd have done the same." He's an anthropologist by nature, astrophysicist by degree. Maybe I just got his anthropology bug. Maybe that's why I saw only similarities while others saw nothing but differences.

  We sat in silence for awhile. "It must have been hard having no other kids on board," Lena said, still looking at the picture of Ashnahta.

  "I don't know. It wasn't hard for me. And I had friends. The last four years, I had great, fun friends. I played jokes on Little Blob's family with him, and sat inspeaking with Ashnahta for hours, even when I was in orbit and she was on world."

  She handed me back the holocom. "It sounds like you were lucky to have such good friends." I felt like she was just saying it to make amends, but it was still nice to hear.

  "I was."

  "You'll see them again."

  I looked at Lena then, really looked at her. For the first time, the differences jumped out more than the similarities...and not hers. Would everyone be like her? How could they not? How could any of them understand? I can't explain everything to everyone, and in that moment it really felt like that's what I was going to have to do. Maybe I could blend. She didn't know about me, not really, until I opened my big mouth. Maybe if I just kept it shut, I wouldn't have to try. If she didn't know, maybe no one else would know.

  Blend. That's what I'd try and do.

  "What do you miss about Earth?"

  She seemed happy that I changed the subject. I tried to calm my annoyance, but as she talked about all the things I didn't understand, annoyance turned to frustration. Perhaps that's what it was like for her when I talked about Laak'sa.

  Blue sky. Water. Going to the beach with her friends and swimming in the breakers, whatever those are. She missed hot dogs, even though she admits they are "totally bad news" and "not at all healthy". She missed "park riding" when she was "skipping class", and a guy named Frank she always meant to date before she got her assignment on Utopia. She talked a mile a minute and I soon found it very impossible to keep up. I don't know how long she went on. I tuned out. I tried, really. But her words just bounced right off.

  "And then, of course, I miss my family. But only a year and a half more and my term will be up."

  She was waiting for me to say something. "Oh. Yeah."

  "And who knows," she continued. "Maybe you'll be heading back through the fathead thing..."

  "Fah'ti."

  "And on your way to see your own family then." She glanced at her watch. "Shoot. My shift starts in a couple hours. Guess I'll bunk down at the station. You okay if I head out?"

  "Yeah."

  She got up and clipped her equipment back on her belt. "Get back in bed. Things always look better in the morning."

  I gave her a nod. "Thanks." I know I didn't sound thankful. In truth, I didn't feel thankful. Looking back, I'd have been much happier if she just let me sit and look at the planets in the dark.

  Now that's not very nice. I should be thankful. She highlighted a few things for me, namely how wrong I am on this planet...and this one isn't even the end goal. If I couldn't even relate to other people who were also strangers in a strange land, as Dad always says, what hope did I have on Earth?

  I picked up the holo and looked at the picture of Ashnahta. I tried to look at her like Lena had. She tried, I'll give her credit for that, but there had been no way to hide the look of disgust when she saw Little Blob. I admit he was a bit hard on the eyes at first. But Ashnahta? The same look was in Lena's eyes when she looked on Ashnahta. I couldn't see what was so horrible. I still can't. I don't understand what was so horrifying to her that night.

  "I miss you," I whispered to the holo. "Why can't you talk to me anymore?" I inspoke. I waited. And waited. And waited. But the answer did not come. I put my head on the glass and looked out. Would everyone be like Lena? Would they all be so quick to be horrified at my life, the ones I love and miss? I wanted to go home.

  Lena did not make me feel better. Not at all.