A Journey Deep

by Beth Reason

  Chapter 18

  Reginald was back a solid week before he would see me. In fact, I saw Dr. Karl first. He arrived four days after the others and immediately came to my prison.

  That's what it was. It took awhile, but Christophe's punishment eventually felt just like that. I was going stir crazy looking at the same hall, the same couple of rooms, the same little kitchette and bathroom that were highly inadequate. I had Ashnahta, which, as anyone who's been around Qitani royalty for any length of time can tell you has its own challenges. Every once in awhile, usually late at night, my holo would beep a renegade message from Marlon. Those cheered me more than anything. They were always stupid, some kind of code maybe or just a silly break from his tedium.

  Have you ever noticed that bots never piss? I think if they want them to be more human, they should have to take a piss like everyone else.

  Some day I'm going to buy myself a pet. I think a dog. When I get out I'll be rich enough to pay for the fees. I've never had a pet.

  Do you think Dr. Karl's hair is real? I dare you to give it a tug. Lemme know if it's a rug.

  Silly things. Never serious. Never about how was doing or anything. But maybe that's what they really said. Maybe they were just intended to needle his captors. He was risking all just to give them a big "screw you". That's what made me laugh, what made me feel better. I don't know why.

  And Dr. Karl's hair was real, for the record. I couldn't stop myself from investigating it during my very long-winded chewing out and even longer exam. I didn't complain. I was taking my lumps as Ralph told me to. He first raged with science. The list of possible deaths I could have caused myself with my foolishness seemed endless. Then he raged with common sense. Death aside, the injuries alone should have smartened me up. And then he hit me with the guilt. What would Mother think, all that. What I put them all through. His old heart when he heard. He did spend a long time seeing that I was healthy and well adjusted, after all.

  I took it. Then I let him poke and prod and sample and push to his heart's content. It was the most thorough exam I ever had and I shuffled down the hall back to my room feeling naked and empty and exposed.

  Christophe was sitting and talking with Ashnahta when I returned. I had convinced her to at least attempt to speak English, but had succeeded only as far as speaking with Christophe went. She firmly believed he was the primary. As such, it was not really beneath her to communicate with him. In fact, I even managed to get her to understand it was her duty, one leader to another. It was a start, anyway.

  Our words from her mouth sounded as odd as her words coming out of ours. There's a difference in structure and pronunciation, of course. It's what you'd expect from anyone speaking a language that was not native to them. But with her, there was also a difference in cadence. So much of Qitani language is not actually spoken out loud. It's why direct translation is difficult, why Mother ended up creating phrases for translation instead of grammatical concepts. I had gotten so used to it that I didn't notice until I heard her struggle with Christophe. She could understand what he was meaning. She could read him. He, however, often had to ask me what she meant even though her words were clear enough.

  When I walked in, spent from my exam, she was trying to explain the Qitani love of war. It was a concept Christophe simply could not understand. From a human point of view, when lives are so short, it's silly to fight and make them shorter. To the Qitani, that's the best reason for war. Lives are short, there's no room for uprisings, usurpers, or lawbreakers. It was a subject he'd been hung up on since he learned they are a war loving people.

  "If you had peace, you could enjoy your lives so much more. You could spend your time devoted to the arts, or to spirituality."

  "Goddess war is peace." Those were the words she said. What was meant, and what Christophe could have gotten from it if he could inspeak, was something more along the of: In our culture, goddesses realize that in order to have the time to learn and grow as you are suggesting, the rebels must not be allowed to distract the whole of society. They must be killed to stop their own uprisings, but also to let others know there would be consequences if they tried as well.

  I have to give Christophe credit. He did pretty well to follow, even in those early days of his interactions with her when she was still half fighting the use of English and not trying very hard. As I've said before, there seemed to be a level of Christophe that could naturally inspeak. At the very least, he was extremely good at reading people, reading body language or a look or some other subtlety that tells the real meaning behind some words.

  Jacob I tire of his condescension.

  He's not trying to be condescending. They've always thought that other races would be above violence. It wasn't the first time I'd told her that. She couldn't understand how we could be so foolish. Like Christophe, she had limits to her understanding on some things. Out loud, I said, "Let it go, Christophe. She's not going to see your point of view, you're not going to see hers."

  He sighed and gave a nod of concession. "How was the examination?"

  I sat down tenderly on the couch. Since Ashnahta was progressing with the conditioning, Christophe decided to make the room more comfortable and less like a hospital. He replaced her hospital bed with a real bed, took out the cart of medical supplies, and added a table and chairs to eat meals at and a little living room area in the corner for relaxing. "Thorough," I said miserably.

  Christophe laughed. "You brought it on yourself."

  "Do not laugh at discomfort." Ashnahta jumped to my defense and raged in her native tongue. She didn't have to, of course. But she did not understand Christophe's sense of humor.

  It's okay, I was quick to let her know. He's right. It's his way of both commiserating and letting me know I'll get no sympathy at the same time. It's his way.

  She accepted it. More and more she was allowing me to guide her in dealings with humans. At some point, she made the assessment that I actually knew what I was talking about. Privately I laughed my ass off at that. I, who didn't fit in in either culture, was the liaison to both. It was a great cosmic joke that I was sure no one else would understand, but me and it is still endlessly amusing.

  Christophe might not have understood her words, but he did understand that she had felt the need to jump to my defense. He bowed and offered an apology, even though I told him it was unnecessary. Ashnahta sniffed haughtily, her nose in the air with all the regal presence she could muster.

  I sighed and pulled her back down. "There. Now everything's fine." I couldn't keep the tired annoyance from my voice. I turned to Christophe. "Did you want to see me?"

  He quirked an eyebrow. "Feeling testy, Mr. Cosworth?"

  Amusement once again? She knew damn well it was.

  "You'd be testy too if a bot got a firsthand look in your..."

  He gave a little chuckle. "Do not blame the doctor for following protocol. I would prefer he be a tad overly cautious than miss latent problems." Christophe shifted in his seat. Time for business. "Now. In three days' time a guard unit will arrive to take you to Reginald for your official debriefing."

  I had worried about Ralph's reaction, but only a little since I was angry. I hadn't known what to expect with Lynette, and in turn got nothing but confusion. And I had instinctively known that Christophe would side with me. Reginald, he was another matter. He was StarTech. He was the one that made so many of the calls that pissed me off. I should have been glad for the show down. Maybe I would have been if he called me up to his suite of offices as soon as he returned. Or the next day. Or even the next. Those days in between cooled the anger and increased the fear. I always sensed there was another side to Reginald, that there was more than everyone's buddy and the pal of the press and governments alike. There had to be. No one could run an operation as big and as powerful as StarTech and always be the good guy.

  Who would I face?

  "Yes, he's angry," Christophe said, reading my expression. "With every single right."


  "Did...did the council veto..."

  Christophe held up a hand. "I have no results, and frankly, I wouldn't share them with you if I did. That's not my place. It's not my entire lifes' work you put in jeopardy."

  I slumped back on the couch and felt the throb in my temple. At least Reginald wouldn't see me that night. I could go to bed early.

  Will you be executed?

  I gave a small laugh. "No."

  Christophe made an impatient little tsk noise. "I had believed we discussed the rudeness of..."

  I waved a hand. "She wants to know if I'll be executed. I've already told her no, but she does not understand our system of punishments.

  "The jeopardies are bad," she said slowly and carefully in English. "On Laak'sa, forgiveness for such is..." She searched my mind, tapped my knowledge, for the right word. "Heresy."

  Christophe chuckled. "No, he will not be executed. Others may have his head for his heresy," he said, using the word she'd be able to relate. He still hadn't grasped that he could use whatever words he chose and she'd be able to feel the meaning. However, I knew it pleased her that he made such attempts. "There are some who would kill him for what he's done. But not Reginald. Not StarTech."

  "Who are these others?" she asked.

  I sat up a little. "Yeah, who?"

  Christophe placed his cup on the table. "Names would be unimportant to either of you, but I'll lay out the scenarios. There are many ways to do business, but it can be boiled down in to two categories. Lawful and unlawful."

  "But unlawful could just mean lying or conning. You're talking murder."

  Christophe gave a cool shrug. "If you break one law, the next is easy to justify. Tell me, what is the difference between stealing someone's life savings and killing them, really?"

  I scoffed. "A big difference!"

  I believe your primary really does understand our thinking, Jake.

  "He's not my primary," I snapped at her.

  He is not saying that you are a murderer.

  It was just like her to get to the root of it. I felt my face get hot. He had inadvertently hit way too close to home.

  "Reginald would be the primary," he assured her. "And that is why we have punishments in the first place, Jacob. Those who are not punished make the next step and the next until they run their entire lives above, around, and through the law. And that does mean killing."

  "Why don't people stop them?"

  "If we, if StarTech suddenly decided to say to rot with it all," he flung his hand dramatically and made a haughty face. "We don't need anyone! Say we did not decide to get the approval of the governments and the blessing of the IOC. We took all our resources, pulled them, pooled them, and sent ten thousand human pairs out to the corners of the universe. Who would stop us?" I opened my mouth, but he held up his hand. "No, think about it. Really. How did you get here? You bought your way up."

  My face got hotter. "Now that's not how it happened."

  "In this nutshell of reality, yes, boy, it is."

  He has a point.

  "You paid people, they broke the law. Not just silly contracts or employment agreements or regulations. The law. The absolute law. You are just a boy. A Cosworth, yes. Your pockets run deep. But ours, they run deeper. You were able to bribe a kid and a conductor. I guarantee that if we had to, we could bribe the majority of the IOC, the international police bureau, innumerable prosecutors, and a hefty chunk of the presidential representatives. Not only would we get away with it, we'd get approval on paper, too. And still have enough to fund whatever we'd like to do.

  "StarTech was on the verge of doing just that. The previous leadership of the company was not opposed to crossing whatever lines they deemed...cumbersome." Reginald's father. That was the 'previous leadership'. "By the time Reginald was able to gather enough support to take control, there were offenses committed daily without apparent care. As soon as he took the reins, he cleaned house, as we say. He not only got rid of the top leadership, but any and every employee who had done anything illegal. When that was done, he turned in the names and evidence against those he fired to the governments."

  "Even his father?"

  "Not 'even', Jake. Especially."

  "What happened?"

  "He served the rest of his natural life in prison and was denied the right to use doppel technology. He was gone in body and mind."

  I whistled. I had no idea Reginald had that kind of anger in him.

  The history impressed Ashnahta. Your primary is a great leader! To oust such a force is heroic. And a man, at that.

  Men can do anything women can do, you know. It was the same argument we had for years.

  "The only reason we stay to the letter of the law," Christophe continued, "is because that is what we have decided to do. It is the moral and ethical code Reginald demands for his company, for his life. I know he seems like a man's man, a friendly guy, the life of the party. He is. But I believe his easiness even in the most dire of times is due to the fact that at the end of the day, he can say that everything he did was above board, legal, beyond reproach."

  Until I stepped in and mucked it all up.

  In the three long, torturous days I had to wait for my meeting with Reginald, I thought about what Christophe had told us. The history of StarTech. The history of Reginald. And by the time I stood at his door waiting to gain entrance, I had worked up a good hatred for myself.

  The guards did not join me. I walked like a condemned man, for that's exactly what I was. Reginald was at his desk, sitting stock still, official. I forced my leaden legs to move me to the chair.

  "Sit."

  I sat.

  He had his hands folded before him. They were tented. He was thinking, assessing. He sat back, keeping his hands tented but across his stomach, and assessed me. I felt my face flush and tried my best to look him in the eye.

  "I'm not going to yell, Jacob."

  "You're not?" I hated the childish hopeful tone of my voice.

  "I'm not. I don't believe it would do any good, would it?" He didn't wait for me to answer. He sat forward quickly, and while his voice was still controlled, his fingers tapped on the desk letting me know how angry he really was. "No. It wouldn't do a bit of good because no matter how much we've tried to stress your importance in everything we've worked so hard for, you're never going to see the bigger picture, are you?"

  That was an unfair statement. How dare he say that I, of all people, couldn't see the bigger picture? I lived my whole life on a tin can for this bigger picture. I didn't have a childhood like everyone else. Okay, so I didn't miss it. But still. Maybe I would have if I knew it existed when I was still a child. Didn't see the bigger picture? Was Reginald really so stupid? Seriously?

  "Oh, I struck a nerve," he said with a cold smile. "Tell me, Jacob." He made a come on motion with his hands. "Lay it on me once again how rough all this is. How horrible Earth is. How evil I am for making you help us out a little. Come on. Let me have it. I can take it. Tell me how horrible the good life is. How you hate money. How you only ever deign to use it when it's for your own selfish purposes. Come on. Tell me. Get it out."

  He succeeded in goading me past my silence. "Don't mix up issues, Reginald. If you're mad that I hopped off Earth and came back, that's fine. You should be mad at that. But don't bring my whole life into this. Don't act like I'm some kid who doesn't understand the bigger picture. Of course I understand the bigger picture. While you were here fighting to make people like me legal, I was actually out there living it!"

  "Then why, why would you possibly want to jeopardize that?" He ran a hand through his hair and it went all crazy. He looked like Dad when he was hot on a topic, too engrossed in his philosophizing to notice or care. "You come back here and tell us how wonderful everything is out there." He waved a hand towards the windows. "And then you hold this key, the key to give that wonder to other families. Families, Jake. Real families. Not just cold hearted scientists. Not just loner techies with only the bots fo
r company. Families. Honest and true and legitimate human expansion. You have the key, you are the key. And you put all of that on the line...for what? A buddy. A girl. A little flame of puppy love or..."

  The insinuation infuriated me. "If it was Christophe you'd do the same thing and you know it." He was too shocked to reply. "I'm sorry I put everything in jeopardy. But what was I supposed to do? Ashnahta's here. How could you possibly think I could know that and not come to help her?"

  Reginald recovered from the Christophe comment and slammed a hand on the desk. "Exactly! Exactly why you were not supposed to know until..."

  "Until you were done with me."

  He had the decency not to lie. "And what's so wrong about that? Hm? What the hell is it you've got against scratching the back that's scratched yours for so long?" He stood and strode to his window and thumbed the tint screen. Martian evening light streamed its red glow into the room. "Look out there. Look at that. A dead rock, they said for years and years and years. No life can ever make it. No human could ever possibly survive. And then a group of forward thinkers said damn what they say and worked their asses off to build this tribute to the human spirit.

  "And then I was born and I was raised and I saw my grandfather's blood and sweat and tears in every corner and you know what it made me do? It made me long to add my own. To take what he created and go the next step, the step he couldn't possibly have lived to see. Beyond. Utopia, the great gateway to more." He whirled around and looked at me.

  "We're on the brink. We're standing right on the edge of everything he wanted, everything millions upon millions of thinkers and dreamers craved for untold generations. And right when we have the living, breathing, mostly normal truth, proof of procreation viability, the final piece of the promise puzzle, you blast out and say screw it all!" He kicked a chair and made me jump. "Damn it Jake!" He broke his promise. He was full on yelling by then. After a string of curses, most of which I'd never heard before, he sagged. It looked like all the fight drained out of him and he slumped back to his chair.

  That was, perhaps, the most awful I'd ever felt about something I did. I still wasn't sorry I did it. I'd do it in a heartbeat without even having to think, even knowing the fallout. But I was sorry that Reginald thought it was...personal. That somehow it was a huge intentional insult or slight or, worse, sabotage. I made Reginald crumple. I made him look defeated. And I never meant any of that, not at all.

  He took a bottle of pills out of his desk and popped one of them in his mouth. After he swallowed it down with water, he wiped his mouth and sat back. He looked old. He looked tired. "Well," he said after a few uncomfortably silent minutes. "Time to decide where we go from here."

  Guilt was gnawing at my stomach. "Is the program really on the line?"

  "Every second of every damned day." He picked up a little trinket off his desk and rolled it back and forth in his hands. It was a little model of the new line of Condors, the ones that were being sent to concentrate on the corners of his own galaxy instead of wormholes. He rolled it back and forth, staring at me with that look he gets when he's really trying to come up with some answer. In those moments he looked just as much like a scientist as Mother. "I suppose it would serve you right to keep thinking the program is now doomed from your little stunt. I should let you dangle on the hook for weeks. One week for every gray hair you gave me. That would be fair."

  I felt hopeful.

  He put the little model down and leaned forward. "The IOC has voted. The last rounds of schmoozing seemed to have done it. That, and a few credits to fund the right projects Earthside pretty much secured it. And the chemical formula for synthetically producing the brilliant new Qitanium ore didn't hurt much, either."

  There was a twinkling in Reginald's eyes, and a slight smile curling his lips. I forgot Reginald's yelling, his harsh words, and just got swept up in his obvious excitement. "Do you mean..."

  "This morning I got the communique. They have granted StarTech permission to embark on a long term study of off world procreation."

  I felt a rush of disappointment. "Just a study?"

  But Reginald laughed. "Just? Just! God, Jake. It never ceases to amaze me how little you understand of how things really work around here. Yes, a study. But there's no 'just' about it. This is exactly all we hoped for." He smacked his hand on his desk in excitement and jumped up, looking fresh and young again. It was very easy to understand how he could lead others. I felt myself get swept up in the wave of excitement. "It's everything we hoped for. Not as much as we dreamed of, of course. No way that could happen. But it's more than we expected, so we came out ahead."

  He put his hands behind his back and walked around while he explained. "It's the steps we talked about months ago, Jake. Baby steps. Only this time, we took a huge, giant leap. They have proof of one. Now, they have approved five hundred births. Five hundred kids like you!" He was behind me and paused to thump my shoulder. "Five hundred! Five hundred families. Can you imagine? The cost will be enormous. And there are so many hoops for all participants that it took up five files on my holo. Five. Completely full with every imaginable, and some unimaginable, rule and regulation governing every little thing. But it's a start."

  "So...I didn't screw it all up."

  Reginald plopped back in his chair and poured himself a drink from his fancy whiskey bottle. He gave a little laugh as he took a sip. "Ironically it was that very act that pushed it over the edge. Don't look smug, Jake. I wasn't kidding. It easily could have gone the other way and screwed us all." He pointed his finger at me. "I'm legitimately angry about that. I plan on being that way for a long time." He swigged the drink and put the empty cup down. "And what the hell I'm going to do with you now, I'm sure I don't know." He linked his hands behind his head and sat back, rocking gently in his big poofy chair.

  "But it worked out," I said in my own defense.

  "By sheer dumb luck." Fair point. "I can understand why you did it. You shouldn't have," he reiterated quickly. "The company aside, we are people, Jake, ones who have been given the daunting task of taking over for your parents. They put you in our hands. I've never been a parent myself, and if the hell I went through waiting to know if you would live through that little stunt may have just convinced me I never want the job. But I guess the IOC saw that as proof that you're a normal kid after all."

  A quick stab of panic shot through me. "They know why I...about..."

  He shook his head firmly. "No. They know that you got overwhelmed by the new life, the people, the parties, the press and the pressures and..." he waved a hand. "I'm very, very convincing."

  I didn't know if that was actually better or not. "So they think I just ran away."

  "Yep." He grinned, not feeling the least bit bad about making me seem like some scared little kid who couldn't hack it. "And you best thank me for that. Better a coward than a kid in mourning."

  I frowned. "Mourning for what?"

  "The death of the woman you love."

  He had the wrong impression. It was the second time he'd said something like that. I should have taken the time to set him straight on my relationship with Ashnahta. "Which is exactly why I came back. To avoid that."

  "You don't understand what I'm saying, Jake. If they found out why you came back, that could have been the cause of her death."

  My heart gave a hard lurch in my chest and then seemed to stop beating all together. "What do you mean?" I barely managed to ask.

  "Aw hell," he said with a sigh. "I thought we got all that clear? Look, Jake. We've been trying our best to hammer it home to you. I thought you got it when you were so careful in the interviews. You danced away from the talk of other cultures brilliantly. You said enough to make them wonder, and yet just enough to tell them you were calm and relaxed about it. I thought, 'Brilliant! He's got it!' But you don't, do you? Not really." He sat forward again and gave me a look of almost sympathy. "They aren't ready for her, Jake. They aren't ready to even know she exists with untold galaxies as buf
fer zones, let alone right next door. And if they ever even caught a whiff of the fact that a hostile race abducted Earth's best beloved scientists..."

  His words swam in my head, guilt and panic mixing. I latched on to that last point. "They weren't abducted!"

  "They were in the eyes of humanity."

  I shook my head. "No. That's not what happened."

  Reginald shrugged. "They aren't here, are they?"

  "No, but..."

  "They aren't even allowed to come back."

  He was deliberately misunderstanding. "Wait a minute that's not..."

  He spread his hands wide. "In fact, now that one of the hostiles jumped through and closed the fah'ti for good, we don't even know how to get back to them at all. The aliens have deliberately stolen almost thirty of our own good people. Turned them into slaves. Why right this very minute, I bet they're torturing those scientists to get humanity's secrets and..."

  I snapped. "That's not true!"

  "Isn't it, Jake?"

  "No! It's not like that at all." How could I explain? "We invaded them. We went to their galaxy, their home. We were the hostiles in that situation."

  "And did we try to attack?"

  "You know we didn't. But that..."

  "Did we harm a single one of them?"

  Once when I was throwing stones across the top of the sea with Ashnahta my rock hit a wave wrong and bounced back and hit Ashnahta's guard in the temple. It left a bruise. That's not at all what he meant. "No," I answered honestly. "But..."

  "Stop with the buts, Jake, and take a look at the cold hard facts. We happened upon an unexpected race. When we wanted to exchange information and have a mutual learning from each other, the other race acted in an openly hostile manner. Our very best scientists were captured, and when one little child and a washed up Captain got out, meaningless people of no consequence as they very well knew, they sent an assassin through space and time itself to make sure we would have absolutely no way of rescuing them. Tell me how to sell that to the people Earthside in a way that wouldn't have Ashnahta's head on a platter. Go on. I'm all ears."

  My stomach dropped. He was saying quite simply that it didn't matter. The truth did not matter. In cold fact, it really did sound bad. "We invaded them," I said again quietly. The truth might not matter to a world who wouldn't listen, but it sure as hell mattered to me.

  "We did," he quickly agreed. "We went traipsing through the neighbor's daisy field without permission and got caught. I know that. You know that. And believe it or not, there really are a fair amount of people on Earth who would understand that important detail, too. But it doesn't matter what we know. It matters only what they will believe. The majority would panic and demand her head. And even a fair amount of ones who are happy that she exists would gleefully chop her up to study. The governments would want her dead, the scientists would want her dissected, the people would want her tortured to make up for the perceived wrongs of her people... Hell, I'd bet the only ones who'd accept her carte blanc right now would be the fashionable trend setters looking for the next latest craze." He stopped and pursed his lips. "Actually, that would be the place to start, wouldn't it? The court of public approval." He sighed. "I suppose that'll be a matter for my successor. It'll be a long time yet before the world is ready for the Ashnahtas of the universe."

  I hated to admit he was right. No, really. It made me seethe with anger at the close mindedness. Long hours later when I was staring into the bleak Mars night in the south observatory, I had to admit he was right. I wanted to find fault with his argument. I wanted to find an excuse for humanity, like I was so quick to do for the Qitani. But he was right. I saw firsthand how people treated me, and I was a full blooded human.

  Even though the meeting went better than I could have expected, I was still in a fine funk when I finally stopped ignoring Ashnahta's mental request for company. Reginald had given me a new pass. I was no longer confined to the small set of rooms deep below the surface. He said it really didn't matter, anyway. "We live in a bubble. It's not like you can escape again."

  True. How bitterly true.

  You are in a bad mood again. Did you show such disrespect for your primary?

  I wasn't even to the room yet and already she was questioning me. I was tempted to turn right back around. While she could still poke and prod, it was much easier to ignore if I wasn't right near her. I hesitated for a second, then sighed. I opened the door and found her in bed. "Why are you in bed? We're going to have dinner soon."

  The machine doctor told me to lie down.

  Instantly I regretted even thinking about avoiding her. I pulled up a chair. "Is something wrong?"

  "Do not avoid my question," she said aloud in Qitani. "Were you disrespectful to your primary?"

  "No. I took his yelling like a man. Now, is something wrong with you?"

  She sighed heavily. I felt her annoyance. "You were disrespectful. You lie terribly."

  "I wasn't disrespectful. I just didn't agree with everything he was saying." I felt her searching for my internal record of the conversation and closed that part off. Her annoyance grew. "Why does the doctor have you resting?"

  A test I'm to have this evening. Later.

  A bot nurse entered with a pill. She instructed Ashnahta to swallow it down, saying it was preparation for the test.

  "What kind of test needs a pill?"

  "A mild sedative," the bot nurse assured me with the unchangingly pleasant little bot smile on her little bot face. God, those give me the creeps.

  Ashnahta took the pill and swallowed it down with some water. I grow tired of these tests.

  Our medical field vastly surpasses that of her native people. At first she panicked at the things that were being done. However, the bot Bradley was actually very good at explaining the principles to Ashnahta in the terms of absolute reasoning she was used to. She rarely put up any kind of fight as long as she understood what the test was, what it was for, and how it could be of benefit to her. I believe the cream he offered for her dry skin went a long way to winning her over, too. He had teamed up with De. Karl to come up with a concoction, and it was working well. It greatly improved her overall mood. It was hard to be amiable when you're itchy.

  The Bradley bot was quick to enter after the nurse left. "I have it on authority that you have swallowed the pill," he said in nearly flawless Qitani. Hearing it out of another mouth shocked me.

  "When did you teach him that?"

  "The machine learns with great speed." Though he cannot inspeak. His brain is simply wires.

  Bradley sighed. He couldn't hear her, but the insult she spoke out loud was enough. He hated to be reminded he wasn't human. "In less than fifteen minutes you will start to fall asleep. I will return and collect you then."

  "What kind of test is this, doc?" I asked.

  "It is not a test, so much as a trial of an implanted oxy filter. It will aid in the regulation and assist in her slow adaptation to our natural oxygen content."

  I looked at her quickly. I didn't know you were having trouble breathing.

  Why should you?

  It was projected in her most regal of tones. What she tried to pull off was the idea that I was common. I was a male. I was beneath knowing the intimate details of someone like her. It was a sign of her fear. I didn't try and fight it. I just took her hand and sat with her until the pill she swallowed made her rigid exterior relax and watched as her eyes softened. Just before she drifted off, she allowed me to understand how scared she was. I held her hand tighter until I felt the thoughts and feeling fade. When I was sure she was out, I went to the hall and called for Bradley.

  "How bad is her breathing?"

  He gave a sniff, a programmed quirk from the real Bradley. "If this filter works, it will be of no consequence. There has been no measurable damage, and no reason to believe that any will become apparent in the future. But too much oxygen is just as bad for any organism as too little. It's a drug to the body. It's causing her organ
s to perform above optimum efficiency. In one whose life span is so short, I feel it's pertinent to take this surgical risk." He glanced at his watch. "And we are about to be off schedule, so if you would excuse me." He didn't actually wait to see if I would excuse him. In seconds, he and two bot nurses had Ashnahta on a gurney and wheeled her down the hall. As I did with every scary procedure, I took a seat outside the closed operating room and opened my mind in case some part of her called out for me.

  At the very far end of the hall, the door opened and Ralph walked in. I leaned my head back against the wall and waited. In a few seconds, he sat next to me. "What's it tonight?"

  "Something to help her breathe."

  "Good." He had a bag in his hand and tipped it toward me. "New uniform for ya. Convict yellow."

  I groaned. "I hate yellow."

  "Jillian knows. I think it's exactly why she had it done up so bright." He gave a laugh. "And before you ask, yes. You have to wear it. It'll let people know you may have your rank, but you're still on restrictions. And there's one in here for Ashnahta, too."

  "What's the point? She can't leave the ward. It's me and bots and Christophe. What does she even need to pretend for. Just let her walk around how she wants."

  "Bitterness is ugly on you, Jake," he said quietly.

  I sighed heavily. "She can't ever leave, Ralph."

  "No."

  I kind of wished he would have lied to me right then. Just a little. Just a white lie to a kid who really needed to hear it.

  "We should have stayed."

  I didn't mean on Earth, but Ralph knew that. "Eh, you brought me home. Besides, I can't help but notice that the one who had the choice in the matter didn't stay. Maybe she knows a little more than you on the subject."

  I was tapping my foot on the tile and stopped. It was suddenly very important that I get Ralph's take. He was raised on Earth, but had spent just as much time with the Qitani as I had. If anyone else could help me figure out my mixed feelings, it would be him. "Why do you think she came?"

  He sighed and sat back. "Hell Jake. I don't know. I take it your talk with Reggie gave room for different ideas. That's not a bad thing, and I'd be a liar if I said I hadn't thought them myself. She's Morhal's puppet, kiddo. Always has been."

  "But she's her daughter."

  He scoffed. "Like that means anything to them. The only reason she got any respect at all was because she was the smartest which made her easier to train. If any of her sisters had come along with a sharper mind, she would have been tossed aside."

  It was shocking to hear such a cold hearted take on it. "But she was next in line."

  "And to them that means nothing. It changes on a whim. Think about it, Jake. Just think."

  I ran a hand through my hair trying to figure out this new point of view. "So you think they cast her aside?"

  Ralph shrugged. "It's one thought. And this was the better option than death."

  My pride took a hit with that idea. Me or death. Did it really just come down to that?

  Ralph laughed. "Good. Knocked you down a few pegs. Now maybe you'll really listen to what I have to say." Damn him. But it worked. "I don't know why she did what she did. I can think of a dozen reasons and support each one with facts if I had to. If you want to know, you'll just have to buck up and be a man and ask, and be ready for whatever answer you get. Take it from an old man. Knowing might royally suck, but it's far better than guessing and hoping." He put the bag on the bench and stood. "I've got dinner with Jillian and Christophe, so I'm heading. Don't leave the ward without your punishment clothes." He gave me a little wink and left.

  The ward was silent. I couldn't even hear any noises coming from the operating room. Ralph's words echoed around in my head, only to be replaced by Reginald's. Over and over the two conversations warred for dominance. And as I sat there and waited, the day felt heavier and heavier, and I felt older and older.