We Interrupt This Date

by L. C. Evans

  The bulk rumbled into the room, crunching what was left of the door under what looked like size twelve running shoes. She was wearing canary colored stretch pants and a chartreuse pullover sweater that was a size too small. She did not rush into his arms with cries of joy.

  “Why I didn’t kill you the first time I caught you cheating, I don’t know. I must have been in a real good mood that day.” She swiveled in my direction and rested her hands on her broad hips—hips that probably needed to do a lot of scrunching to fit into a seat in a movie theater. And big hands, hands that could probably palm a basketball if she wanted them to. “Well. He picked himself a younger one this time, didn’t he? Though I can’t imagine what someone as pretty as you would want with this old goat. Guess you believed the lies about him having money, didn’t you, sweetie?”

  I fought down a burst of nausea and waved my hands in denial. “I’m not her. The new wife. I’m Susan Caraway. My mother is the one who thought she was married to him last time you were here. A long time ago. But it was a huge mistake and she didn’t do anything bad. He lied to her and never told her he was married.”

  Lurlene’s expression didn’t soften one bit. “Then he’s up to something else besides getting married again. Let me guess. It involves money.”

  “He’s trying to extort money from my mother. Threatening to tell her friends and her church they were never married and that my sister was born out of wedlock.” Dimly I heard an engine rumbling outside. In fact, with the door broken, I could hear all the traffic sounds as well as quick footsteps tapping against the sidewalk. I glanced past Lurlene and saw a shadow slide up next to Philip’s car. Thank goodness. Patty hadn’t forgotten her promise to watch my back. She’d probably started the van so we could make a quick getaway--as soon as I figured how to get past Lurlene without her damaging me.

  “I’m not surprised. If there is one thing Philip loves, it is money. He is like a bee sniffing out a flower when it comes to cold cash. A real smooth talker who takes advantage of innocent women like a booth operator at the county fair talking country folk out of their last few dollars.”

  “Yes, well I’m sorry he turned out so bad. Husbands can disappoint. I divorced mine last year after he cheated on me.” As I spoke, I shuffled my feet along the floor, moving gradually toward the exit to gauge her reaction. I hadn’t gotten any promises from Philip, but judging from the way he was cowering next to the bed, he wouldn’t bother Mama again. Not after Lurlene got through with him. “Sorry I can’t stay and chat, but I’ve got to head on home. Could you please step aside, Mrs. Beauchamp?”

  Before Lurlene could shift her bulk, another female form appeared in the doorway. I groaned. Still not Patty. This woman, unlike Lurlene, wore a silk dress and shoes that probably cost more than everything in my closet put together. Her platinum hair was piled in waves on her head, probably held in place with industrial strength spray. From the way her skin was pulled up around the corners of her eyes and the way her expression stayed pleasant despite her finding her cheating husband in a motel room with two women, I concluded she’d had some work done.

  “You rat. You horrible, thieving con man,” she said, spacing the words out for emphasis.

  Lurlene raised a quizzical eyebrow. “The latest Mrs. Beauchamp, I presume?”

  The latest looked at her, then at me, then back to Lurlene. “I’m Katherine. And you are?”

  “Lurlene. Welcome to the club, sister.” Lurlene jabbed her thumb at me. “And this is Susan. She’s not a wife, she’s the daughter of another woman he swindled. She’s here to get him to stop blackmailing her mother out of what’s left of her money.”

  “Blackmail? On top of everything else? I am taking back the El Camino, Philip.”

  Wow, this wife meant business. You go, girl, I thought.

  “By the time I get done with you, you will wish you had moved out of the country before you ever set eyes on me,” she added.

  I stared, fascinated. It was eerie the way Katherine could screech and tremble with rage while her facial skin didn’t move. From her expression, you would have guessed she was telling Philip she’d cooked him a nice lobster dinner.

  Lurlene chuckled deep in her throat. “Honey, you’re going to have to stand in line. I get him first.”

  As if by mutual agreement both women approached Philip, claws held out in front of them with wicked determination. I saw my chance and scampered out of the room behind them.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Patty was leaning against the side of the van studying her fingernails when I shot outside. When she looked up and saw me, she stood up straight and stretched like a lazy cat sunning itself in a window. “What took you so long?”

  “For God’s sake, Patty, I thought you were going to watch my back. Those women might have decided to take their anger out on me instead of Philip. Some sidekick you are.”

  “I heard everything.” She waved a hand at me. “The only danger in that room is to that worthless ex-lover of your mother’s.”

  “Didn’t I already ask you to stop calling him that? I mean, worthless is okay, but he’s not Mama’s ex-lover. Let’s get out of here. My nerves are shredded.”

  “Can’t. Not unless you have two spares.” She flicked her thumb at the passenger side tires of my van.

  I stared in horrified disbelief. “Flat? Both of them. What’s next, a UFO showing up on my roof?”

  When I’d first pulled into the parking lot, I’d thought I’d rolled over a bump. Now I walked halfway across the lot and I could see that it was no bump I’d encountered, but a board studded with nails. I heaved the offending object into the motel Dumpster and then marched back to Patty dusting off my hands.

  “The perfect end to a perfect day.” At least I wasn’t Philip. The last time I looked, he was being frog marched by both his wives to a rental car parked at the back of the lot.

  Patty yawned. “Don’t get so worked up. I wasn’t out here counting the stars while you dealt with that mess. Help is on the way.”

  “You called a tow truck?” I brightened. An extra expense I didn’t need, but we had to get home somehow and I couldn’t leave the van here to be stripped.

  “Uh-Uh. Jack did.”

  My bright mood evaporated like mist. “Jack? Why in the world would you involve him? You can be so dense when it comes to other people’s feelings and I can’t understand that coming from someone who’s addicted to self-help books and Dr. Phil.

  “Get a grip, Susan. It’s not like I carry the numbers for tow trucks around with me or that I’m a walking phone book. I looked in your purse, found your phone and Jack’s business card and called him. He’s sending a truck.”

  “Why didn’t you call Kyle? I’m sure he wouldn’t have minded helping.”

  “Kyle’s at a taxidermist show in Greenville. He entered the raccoon family he did for his friend and he says if he wins first place he’s taking me to Myrtle Beach for a weekend.”

  “How nice for you. Glad someone is having a great life and weekends at Myrtle Beach.” I snatched my purse away from her. I’d politely thank Jack for sending a tow truck when I saw him at Blackthorn House tomorrow, probably when he showed up looking for Veronica. I hoped he wouldn’t complain too much about their date being ruined by my car troubles. “You could have called my house and asked DeLorean for help.”

  Patty snickered. “You’re kidding, right? From what you’ve told me, I suspect she’d have a meltdown. Why are you being so bitchy anyway?”

  “I’m not being bitchy, though I admit I’m not in the greatest of moods. But that’s only because I didn’t want Jack involved. I can sort out my own messes without help from him or any other man on the planet.” I was managing—barely—to keep a tight hold on my emotions. Hysteria in the middle of a crime district could get me the wrong kind of attention.

  “Tell him yourself, then. He’s on his way. In fact, that must be him in the car following behind the tow truck that just pulled in.” She peered toward the roa
d and waved.

  I followed the direction of her gaze. “I am now going to kill you. Slowly and with great satisfaction.”

  Two vehicles rolled to a stop in front of us. Jack got out and walked around the van assessing the damage. The tow truck driver, a hygienically challenged type wearing greasy overalls and a Carolina Panthers ball cap, made a remark about careless driving. Then he got down to business and hooked the van up for tow. I gave him the name of my mechanic and asked him to leave it at the shop. I watched him leave before I turned to Jack and fake-smiled so big it felt like my cheeks were going to split open.

  “Thanks so much. But you really didn’t have to interrupt your date to come way out here. I was telling Patty this very minute she could have called DeLorean.”

  “No trouble. Get in and I’ll take you home.” He jerked his thumb in the direction of his car.

  He walked over to the driver’s side. Patty scurried after him and climbed in the back seat. Too late I realized I should have forged ahead of her so she’d have to ride shotgun and I could take the back.

  As soon as I got in and shut the door, Jack said, “Dammit, Nic, what in the hell were you doing? This isn’t the safest place to hang out, as you well know. And in case you still need a clue, did you see the bars on the office window and the general run down appearance of the whole street?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, slum central. But it’s all over now, Mr. Safety Police. Patty and I were taking care of a minor matter for my mother. Problem solved, mission accomplished. And if you’re into business speak--no more crime issues to disrupt the new paradigm. I am sorry she bothered you.”

  Patty tapped the back of my head and a throbbing vein in my scalp threatened to burst. “Speak for yourself, woman. We might have been kidnapped by thugs if we’d had to wait half the night for your sister to show up.”

  Good old Patty, always ready to help. I turned around and shot her the look she deserved. Then I wiggled my eyebrows up and down trying to signal her to shut up. I may as well have tried to eyebrow signal a train to stop at the next crossing.

  “Get this, Jack. After Lurlene busted the door down, I thought about going in with my pepper spray and taking her out.” Patty blabbed as if she were simply discussing her makeup.

  My eyebrows went into a Tango. I wondered if she’d take the hint if I plastered my hand over her mouth and held it there until we dropped her off.

  “Who is Lurlene and why did she break the door?” Jack asked in flat tones. He glanced at Patty in the rearview mirror. If Patty had known Jack as well as I did, she would have known to stop running off at the mouth and change the subject.

  “I guess Philip wouldn’t unlock it. He’s Susan’s mama’s ex love…I mean, her mama was married to him, except it wasn’t a real wedding and he was trying to extort money to keep her secret. Until his two wives showed up. One of them is real, but we don’t know about the other one. I mean, we do know. He’s a bigamist for sure.”

  I dug my fingers into the sides of my seat. I hadn’t wanted Jack to know any of this, and Patty should have been able to figure that out using plain old common sense.

  A major muscle in Jack’s jaw twitched like someone had hit it with a shot of adrenaline. Patty leaned forward and directed him to turn at the corner and seconds later we pulled up behind the pawnshop.

  “Thanks so much,” she said, getting out of the car. “It was great meeting you, Jack.”

  “Same here.” His expression was the look someone might wear if they’d just discovered their dog ate the sirloin steaks they’d put on the table for a dinner party.

  I braced myself. I didn’t really care if Jack was angry. Not one bit. I simply didn’t want to have to listen to his criticism.

  He turned, oh so slowly, until he was sideways in his seat facing me. “What were you doing confronting a criminal in his room? What possible reason could have have to put yourself into that kind of danger?”

  “It’s none of your business, but if it will shut you up, I’ll tell you the whole sordid story. Philip Beauchamp has been causing trouble for my mother. I told him to leave her alone. Don’t worry, Jack, I wasn’t in the least bit of trouble. Both his wives showed up shortly before you got there and they’re making him think better of continuing his wicked ways. The end. Now please take me home. Or do I have to call a cab?” I put my hand on the door handle.

  He put the car in gear and roared out of the lot. I could only imagine the state of his bad back. He really ought to consider a yoga class to deal with tension.

  “You’ve never figured things out, have you, Nic? Your mother is perfectly capable of handling her own problems without your involvement.”

  I crossed my arms over my chest. “You would think so, but you should have seen her Sunday night. In fact, you would have seen her, if you hadn’t driven off in a snit because DeLorean called me to come home for an emergency. For your information, Philip showed up at my house Sunday while Mama was alone and helpless with a sprained ankle. What was I supposed to do?”

  “I don’t know, call the police, maybe? That’s what I do when blackmailers come around.”

  “Sure, I’ll bet you have that problem all the time. But Mama was afraid he’d tell Rhett, her new man friend. That’s what blackmail is, Jack. They scare you into thinking they’re going to out you on something, which will ruin your life forever. You’re supposed to pay up to keep the world from knowing about your sordid past.” God, the man was exasperating. He didn’t understand and he never would and I was sorry he’d ever come back to Charleston to stir up a bunch of negative emotions I didn’t need.

  After he dropped me off and went back to Veronica, I never wanted to see him again. Even as I had these thoughts, I knew I was kidding myself. But life had been a lot simpler when all I had to do was mope around and drag myself in to work and not have any real thoughts or feelings.

  Judging by the look on his face, Jack was probably wishing the same thing. The tires squealing a protest, he swung the Mercedes around a corner, accelerated to my driveway, made another hard turn and braked to a stop. His car wasn’t going to last if he didn’t stop abusing it every time he had to bring me home.

  “Goodnight,” I said, getting out. I’d suddenly developed a headache that felt like a horde of miniature cavemen beating me behind the eyes with stone hammers. Brad’s staccato barking in the background didn’t help. “Thanks for the rescue. The last thing I wanted was to interrupt your special evening with Veronica.”

  I slammed the car door and stomped up the driveway doing some serious damage to the bottoms of my shoes. I thought I heard Jack say something, but I didn’t turn around. Yeah, yeah, so I’d mistreated his car. He could send me a bill. I reached the house and stormed inside.

  Footsteps sounded behind me. “We’re not done here, Nic.” Jack rudely pushed his way in before I could lock the door.

  “Yes, we are. Thanks again. Now if you don’t mind, I have the headache from hell and the last thing I need is another hour of criticism from you.”

  I headed into the kitchen to find the aspirin bottle. Jack trailed after me. Of course Mama and DeLorean were waiting in the kitchen. I had the feeling that even if it were three in the morning, they’d be waiting in the kitchen.

  Mama was scolding DeLorean about her blouse, which was, according to Mama, entirely unsuitable for a woman who was the mother of an infant. She was shocked and so forth. Sure, Mama, you have to give up your whole existence and turn into a frump once you give birth. I’d been the recipient of the same lecture six months after Christian was born when I wore a two piece bathing suit to Folly Beach.

  When she saw Jack, Mama broke off in mid-sentence, squirming in her chair like a cocker spaniel greeting its owner. An onlooker would have thought George Clooney--her favorite actor--had followed me home.

  “Jack Maxwell, why bless your heart. Oh, my word, DeLorean said you’d moved back to town. I’m absolutely delighted to see you again after all these years.”

  �
��Good to see you, too, Mrs. Marsh.” Jack, always charming, leaned over and kissed Mama’s cheek. Then he acknowledged DeLorean with a nod and a grin.

  Was it my imagination or had DeLorean unfastened the top button of her blouse since I’d seen her last? I tossed my purse on the counter and yanked the aspirin bottle out of the kitchen cabinet. Jack wanted to talk? Fine. Let him visit with Mama and my sister. DeLorean could even offer him another backrub for all I cared. I was going to bed.

  “Susan, you said you weren’t going out with Jack tonight.” DeLorean’s bottom lip quivered and she showed every sign of birthing a pout.

  “I didn’t.” I poured myself a glass of water and downed the aspirins in one gulp. I couldn’t help but notice that the bag of dog food was still sitting unopened on the kitchen island next to Mama’s car keys. How nice. It would be up to me to feed and water Brad and put him in the utility room for the night.

  “She’s right, we didn’t go out.” Jack sounded like going out with me was something he’d do when they held the Winter Olympics in hell. “Nic ended up at a motel in a neighborhood where the criminals outnumber the regular citizens. I had to come to the rescue after she got a couple of flat tires on her van.”

  Mama let out a muffled shriek and clapped her hand over her heart--which prompted both the Chihuahuas to leap up from their bed in a corner of the room and race snarling to the foot of her chair, obviously prepared to defend her against all intruders.

  “Susan, what in the world were you thinking? You could have been accosted by drug dealers or even sex maniacs and dragged into a dark alley.”

  “Yes, what were you thinking?” DeLorean said. Her nostrils flared. I would have bet she was just itching to stomp her foot, but Mama hates it when she does that and she probably figured it wasn’t worth the drama. “You were supposed to stay here with Mama while I used the van. Now it’s too late--after I looked forward all day to seeing my friends.”