The Wideness of the Sea

by Katie Curtis

  “I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” he said as he kissed her. Anna’s phone started to ring next to them.

  “Hold on one sec,” Anna said, raising her eyebrows apologetically at Andrew. “Hey Marie, what’s up?” she said.

  “Hi Anna. I am sorry to call so late but I just put Henry down. I’m calling to see if you have some time in the morning. I wanted to talk to you and wondered if I could come over for coffee around 9:30?”

  “Sure,” Anna said to Marie. She noticed Marie sounded strange. Not stressed exactly…scared. Marie sounded afraid. Anna grew anxious but tried to sound casual. “That time works great for me, are you bringing the little guy?”

  “No, Mike has a day off and he is planning to go fishing with him. I’ll see you tomorrow morning?”

  “Yes, see you then,” Anna said. She hung up her phone and looked at Andrew.

  “Everything ok?” he asked.

  “I’m not sure,” Anna answered as she grabbed Andrews hand in hers. “I’ll know more tomorrow, when Marie is coming over for coffee to talk.”

  She looked out at the ocean, and thought of the happiness she had just found again with Andrew, the happiness that sat with them here, outside under the stars, like it was its own separate being. It seemed to look over at her with a calm, wise expression. You knew this couldn’t last, right?

  The next morning, Anna woke up early to a beautiful sunny day, but despite the weather she had a knot in her stomach. She scowled at the clock that said 5:30, wishing she could hurry up and talk to Marie and find out what was going on. What couldn’t just be said over the phone? Maybe something was wrong with the pregnancy? With Mike? She tried to go out to the boat house and paint to keep her mind occupied, but after a little while she gave up, and went for a run instead. By the time she was toweling off she was starting to feel better, and the doorbell rang just as she finished getting dressed.

  Marie smiled and gave her a hug as she came in. She looked tired and pale. Probably the nausea, Anna thought.

  “I was just going to make more coffee; do you want some?”

  Marie laughed a little nervously. “I don’t know what I was thinking when I said that, I haven’t been able to drink coffee in weeks. Wishful thinking, I guess. Do you have any tea? I can drink that for some reason.”

  “Sure,” Anna said as she turned the pot on to boil. “So what’s up?” she asked with her hand on her hip, looking at her big sister.

  Marie put down her keys and her sunglasses and sat down, letting out a deep sigh. She wore jeans and her favorite striped t-shirt, and Anna saw dots of yogurt on her sleeve from Henry’s breakfast. Her brown hair was just starting to show a few strands of gray around her face, but Anna noticed it looked healthy and strong, which almost overshadowed her pale face and made her sister look healthy. “Well, it’s not great news.” Marie sat back and put her feet up on the chair next to her and sighed deeply. She crossed her arms. “Before I became pregnant, I started seeing a new OB/GYN doctor - a new one to me since I had Henry in Upstate New York. At my first visit, a few months ago I gave him our family’s medical history, and he paused when he heard about mom and grandma dying so young from ovarian cancer. He suggested I have some genetic tests done. I really didn’t think anything of it since I’ve been so out of it with the pregnancy and morning sickness and Henry, but…the tests just came back.” Marie’s voice cracked, and like a break in a damn, that crack let all of the waters she had been holding back rush forward. She closed her eyes tightly as tears streamed down her face. “They’re not good, Anna. They show that I have the faulty BRCA gene. A gene that’s mutated and will very likely give me breast or ovarian cancer. It mutated somewhere down our DNA line, and because of that mom and grandma developed cancer so young. Which sucks even more. Because it means that they didn’t just get cancer, they were born with a death sentence, but didn’t know it. How unfair is that?”

  Anna sat there, stunned. She could barely process all the information Marie was giving her. Such a rush of emotions went off in her, and she felt foggy-headed as she tried to make sense of what she was saying.

  “So what do we do next?” Anna asked.

  “The best options are surgery to remove the parts affected, and I talked it over with Mike. I’m going to have a hysterectomy soon after this baby, and a double mastectomy too, after I am done nursing.” Marie broke down again. She began sobbing and leaned over and reached for her sister. She gripped her tightly as the depth of her fears came bubbling up through her tears. Anna held her and let her cry for a few minutes. Finally she pulled away and reached for a tissue on the table. “I really wanted more kids. But I don’t want to risk that for Henry and Mike and this baby. I can’t believe this is it for our family. But Anna,” she said as she tried to recover herself as she dabbed the tissue under her eyes, “you should get tested too.”

  Anna sat silently with her arms crossed. She closed her eyes and pictured her mother in her bed, right before she died. Her bird-like arms, her bald head, and her big beautiful eyes tinged with pain as she lay under a pile of blankets because she was so cold. It felt like someone was playing over her feelings like a keyboard; grief and worry for Marie, the briefest moment of worry for herself, then two notes started to play rhythmically in her head: anger and regret. That her mother could still be alive if they had this test fifteen years ago. Maybe even ten years ago. What a waste her pain and death may have been. Watching someone you love suffer is beyond difficult. To think that any of the suffering could have been avoided felt like torture.

  “Anna, say something,” Marie said.

  “I’m just thinking. Of mom.” Anna said, her eyes starting to fill with tears. “I can’t believe it.” The whistle started to blow on the stove, and she wiped the tears as they hit her cheeks and got up to make the tea. It took a lot of energy just to stand up, she noticed.

  “I know.” Marie said. “That was the first thing I thought of too. And my next thought was that it felt like a ticking bomb in my genes, waiting to go off. I just want to get the bomb out. Thank God - for Henry’s sake - that I have that choice. Mom never did. But Henry only gets this sibling. That’s it. It sucks. I know we could adopt, and maybe we will, I just loved the idea of more.”

  Anna carried the cups over, sat down and grabbed Marie’s hand, and looked at her. A moment ago she had seen her healthy hair and thought Marie looked strong. Now the news changed her perception of her sister ever so slightly, and she thought she could see shadows under her eyes and her shoulders sag. “You won’t be alone. Henry and this baby won’t just have each other. You all have us. I am so glad I’m home now. And whatever happens with my test, I can only hope I will be as strong as you are.”

  “Thanks Anna. I’m glad you’re home now too. I don’t know how I would be able to get through this without you.” They hugged for a long time, while the skies turned from blue to overcast, a New England storm coming in, changing the day without warning.

  That night, Andrew had asked Anna to go out on a proper date. He was taking her to a nearby inn that had an amazing restaurant, with a great wine list and a stone fireplace. He knew from their brief phone call after he got off the boat the news from Marie wasn’t good, but he told her to wait to tell him after their second sip of Champagne. The first sip was a toast to their one month anniversary.

  As Anna got dressed for their evening, rifling through the drawers she had finally put her clothes in, she couldn’t stop thinking of Marie. She grieved for her sister. But she noticed her own detachment about the fact that she might one day get the same news. It was sort of like being told ‘you might get cancer’, she decided. There’s no cancer yet, so it’s hard to pinpoint the fear, yet it was there. It made it hard to process.

  But if she got the news - she had booked the first appointment she could to get tested in a few weeks, and the results took a month or two - what would it feel like to know that you needed to make yourself infertile to survive? That put the whole dilemma into a new light.
It wasn’t just chemo and radiation as an action plan. It was no babies. For Marie, there was some mercy finding out while carrying her second baby, but still a loss of a dream for her. For Anna, getting back Andrew while putting their ability to have kids in jeopardy felt like the universe was playing a cruel joke on her. Come on, you’re going out for your one month anniversary, you don’t need to figure out your whole life, she chided herself as she buttoned the keyhole closure of her blouse behind her neck. But that was what this news did. It made her think about her whole life. What risks to take? What choices? Anna still didn’t know.

  When Andrew came to the door, he looked so handsome in a white button down, tweed jacket and jeans. He had a bouquet of daisies for her. She smiled from ear to ear; he remembered her favorite flower from so long ago. They were one month in, but they had another lifetime of memories to draw from, she realized. I am in deep, she thought as she smiled up at him and took the flowers.

  The whole way to the restaurant they talked about memories from when they were very young and teased each other about who had said I love you first. They settled into their corner of the restaurant with a bottle of Champagne between them and, as he promised, Andrew toasted to their one month anniversary. They clinked their glasses and took a sip, and after the warmth from the bubbles had settled down into them, he turned to look at her. He shook his head from side to side and smiled.

  “What?” Anna asked.

  “I just can’t believe we’re here. Together, right now in this restaurant. In Maine. Life is so strange. We’re so unbelievably lucky. I love you, Anna. And I just wanted to tell you that before you tell me what’s going on with Marie.”

  Anna smiled and put both of her hands in his hand and squeezed them tight. Falling in love a second time with the same man – with Andrew - was indeed unbelievably lucky. But she couldn’t resist setting the record straight.

  “So you’re saying I love you. First again, huh?” she let herself laugh for a moment, and take in the joy of laughing with him again. “I love you too, Andrew. I can’t believe we are together either, but I’m so thankful I found my way back to you.” Then her smile faded, and she tried to face up to the news she had to share. She didn’t know why but she was so afraid to tell Andrew.

  “Marie told me that she had some tests done, and she has a gene, a faulty gene, that will make her predisposed to cancer. It was passed down from my grandmother and my mom, who both had cancer so early, and died so young, because of this genetic mutation. So, she is going to get a hysterectomy after the baby, and a double mastectomy after this baby is weaned. Her focus is Henry, and Mike, which is really good. She wants to do everything she can to be there for them.” Anna took one of her hands out of his and took a big sip of her Champagne.

  Andrew looked down for a while without speaking, brushing his thumb over the back of her other hand. Finally he looked up and asked, “What about you? Doesn’t that mean that you could have the same gene?”

  “Yes. I hate for you to think about it and to worry at all. But I made an appointment to get tested and will know in three months or so. But I would be lying if I said it didn’t make me worry about us. How far does our luck run, do you think?”

  Andrew took his hand and brushed the side of her face. He looked in her eyes. “Anna, there is nothing, nothing that could change how I feel about you. You know that right?”

  Anna felt her stubborn streak rise up, and she felt like she had to know the answer to the question that weighed on her the most. “But what if I couldn’t have any kids, Andrew? What if the risks end up so high that I shouldn’t wait until after I have kids to do the same surgery Marie is doing?”

  Andrew laughed. “Then we are going to be the best adoptive parents in Maine. We’ll figure out a way to share our love, and our incredible luck, with little ones somehow. It would just be a different path that I would get to walk with you. You next to me on any path, for as long as possible, is what I care the most about.”

  Anna felt her face fall more deeply into his hand. He had, with those words, removed all of her concern, all of her worry. She smiled at him as she leaned toward him. “Thank you for saying that. I love you, Andrew,” and she kissed him softly.

  The next day, Anna sat with her father and Abigail and Marie on the back deck at Marie’s, drinking lemonade. The air was moist and sticky. Even after a short storm the humidity was so thick you could cut it with a knife, but Anna didn’t mind. The pressure of the air against her skin made her feel like some force was holding her up, giving her support in this moment. Anna knew they would eventually talk about Marie’s test results. That same crushing anger came back and sat on her chest when she thought about her mother, how if they had known about all this just a few years earlier, she might have been here today.

  She worried about her father’s reaction to the news. Based on how long and hard he struggled to get to higher ground after her death, Anna was worried the news could easily shatter his new happiness too, but he needed to know. She called her Dad and Abigail and told them to come over to Marie’s for dinner. He said they would bring dinner, since he wanted Marie to rest and not have to do anything. When they came in, Abigail looked beautiful in a green blouse that set off her dark hair and hazel eyes. She came in carrying a casserole dish that was filled with pasta, chicken, spinach and bacon that smelled amazing. The top was smothered in caramelized onions and more bacon, and Anna was equal parts thankful and hungry. Abigail could make delicious food. Marie had someone else now who could be there with a meal. Everyone but Marie devoured it in minutes, and Abigail promised her to make it again when she felt better. Henry kept yelling ‘more pasta!’ It was so comforting to lose herself in the delicious flavors of the creamy cheese – Abigail said it was Asiago – that Anna almost forgot why Marie had invited them all over.

  After they had all settled on the deck and laughed at Henry’s performance of The Itsy Bitsy Spider, Marie settled him to play in the yard while they all sipped lemonade. Anna noticed her Dad’s leg bounced up and down, a nervous twitch she remembered from sitting next to him for hours in the hospital, after surgeries and treatments and pain medications administered to her mother.

  “Dad, I have something to tell you that might not be easy to hear,” Marie started, Mike sitting next to her holding her hand. Anna stared at Henry playing in the sandbox, shoveling the sand into the back of a dump truck happily over and over. “My doctor just gave me some test results. They say that I inherited the BRCA gene, which causes breast or ovarian cancer in 45 to 90% of the people who carry it. It’s likely the reason that mom and grandma got cancer. They just didn’t know about it back then.” Marie said it slowly, all the while keeping her hand on her belly.

  They sat quietly for a few moments, the sound of Henry talking to himself mingling with the rise and fall of the chirping from the birds in the trees and the sound of crickets at the edge of the yard.

  Their father stared at Henry, then up at the clouds. He breathed in deeply. “Do you mean…are you saying you have…” he began.

  “I don’t have cancer yet,” Marie said. “But I will have to have surgery – a double mastectomy and hysterectomy – to lower my risk of getting it. Because right now that risk is really high. And if I have an option not to live with that high of a risk, for Henry’s sake, and for this baby’s sake, and for Michael, then I need to do that.”

  Mike squeezed her hand. “We’re incredibly thankful we get to keep you.”

  Anna’s father was silent for a moment, thinking and shaking the ice cubes in his glass of lemonade. Then he said, “You mean, if we had known, if these tests had been around, your mother might have had a chance?”

  “You could look at it that way,” Anna chimed in. “What-ifs are a recipe for misery, but theoretically, yes.” They were silent for a while. Then she spoke again. “There is a chance I carry it too, but I’m getting tested soon. We’ll see in a few months.”

  “Both of you girls might have it?” he asked.

/>   Abigail came over and put her arm around Marie. “What about Stephen?” she asked.

  “If he carries it, Stephen could develop some cancers later on too, but his risk is much lower, closer to the chances of the normal population,” Marie said. “I already called him and he was super supportive, but laughed at the idea of getting tested himself. We’ll see if he still feels that way when he’s a dad. But there is nothing he would need to do.”

  Anna’s father stood up and looked down at Henry. “I can’t even begin to think about losing you girls,” her dad said. “Thank God for your doctor, Marie. For telling you to get tested.”

  “Yes, I am so thankful to him. And don’t worry, we’re not going anywhere, Dad,” Marie said, taking a deep breath and starting to smile. “But you are.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, right before this baby is due, in December, your daughter Anna has been invited to show at Art Basel Miami. And you’re invited. So you have to get on a plane and fly down to Florida and be her special guest.” Marie switched back into her role as supportive older sister with relief.

  He turned to Marie with a quizzical look on his face. “What?”

  “You’re invited to my art show at Art Basel Miami,” Anna said.

  She and Marie had decided to announce this right after the test results to help him with the news.

  “Wait, Anna,” he said, pointing his finger at her. “First you have to promise me something. You have to promise me that whatever Marie does, whatever surgery or care she gets, you do it too, if you need to.”

  Anna nodded. “I promise, Dad.”

  “Good. Now, how in the world are you are showing at Miami Basel?”

  “It’s a long story, Dad.”

  “We’ve got time,” he said. “Thank God.”

  The next day, Andrew made good on his promise to take Henry out on the boat. He was trying to distract everyone and have fun, which Anna was so thankful for. The harbor was busy, even at midday, with boats coming in and dropping off their lobsters at the Co-op and tourists climbing aboard the Hardy Boat cruise that headed out to Monhegan Island. Anna smiled as they pulled into the harbor, and held up her hand to shield the sun as he pulled up to the dock to meet her, Marie, Mike, and Henry. She thought back to Marie asking for this trip when they all bumped into each other at Shaw’s Wharf the weekend of Uncle Charlie’s funeral. She remembered thinking how strange that would feel. She couldn’t believe they were here now, boarding his boat, or that just a few months ago her life was in New York City, and now her family going on Andrew’s boat was totally normal.