The Tragedy of Loving Jamie Clarke

by Cohen, Rebecca R.

  “We are.”

  “Then why did you lie to me before about what you thought was inside the box?”

  I shouldn’t be shocked that Jamie knew I was lying, he knows me really well.

  “I’m sorry I lied,” I say. My voice is muffled as I bury my face in my hands. “I was embarrassed and honestly a little afraid.”

  I’m still hiding but Jamie slides beside me and pulls my forearms forward to remove my hands from my face. When I look at him he’s giving me a crooked smile.

  “Were you afraid when you thought it was an engagement ring?” Jamie asks and wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me into him.

  “I don’t want to say,” I reply nervously.

  “April, please tell me. Were you afraid?”

  I sigh and count to ten, as my mother always tells me to do when I feel like I’m going to panic. I’m afraid I am going to scare him away. Amber always says that boys our age are terrified of the idea of marriage. The whole concept of us being in love should comfort me but being in love and discussing marriage are two very different things. Fingers crossed he doesn’t run away so fast he leaves a Jamie-shaped hole in the front door.

  “No, I wasn’t afraid,” I whisper and try to keep the shakiness in my voice at a minimum. “Actually, I was excited. I mean I was a little surprised and a little nervous about what my parents would say but the idea of committing myself to you for the rest of my life wasn’t scary at all.”

  Well, I went for it and I went all in. Now there’s nothing left to do but wait for the gavel to come down.

  “Can I be honest with you?” Jamie asks, “I’ve thought about proposing to you, getting down on one knee and promising to love you for the rest of our lives if you’d have me. I’ve probably thought about it more times than a boy my age should and I don’t know if that makes me any less of a man but if it does then it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.”

  My heart is beating so hard it might as well just leap out of my chest and plant itself on Jamie. The words coming out of his mouth say everything I have ever wanted to hear from him. I feel like we’re unbreakable and this is where we’re meant to be...together.

  “If you’ve been feeling this way, why you haven’t you proposed?”

  Jamie let’s out a wild laugh. “April, we’re in high school! We would need our parents’ permission to get married and I know for a fact mine wouldn’t give it and somehow, despite how cool they are, I doubt your parents would either. Besides I think marrying you would probably make more sense when we both have jobs and can afford a place of our own. I don’t think living in our parents’ basement would be ideal housing.”

  God, I love the way he speaks sometimes. It’s like he’s an old soul placed inside a teenage boy’s body.

  “Good point. Plus when we’re married I’d rather not have my mommy still doing my laundry.”

  We both laugh, neither one of us want to be that ridiculous married couple who is still living with their parents.

  “But just know, when we’re old enough and can fend for ourselves the first thing I am doing is going out and buying you that ring.”

  “You know, I love you, Jamie.”

  “And you know I love you too, April.”

  I never thought I would find everything I ever wanted while I was still in high school, especially not after my last visit to Dr. Meresh. Now my future is set! No matter what happens from now on, no matter what college I attend or what career path I decide to go on, Jamie will be by my side and that’s all I really need to know.

  -17-

  Jamie has asked me to go with him to Boston during our semester break and visit his Grandpa James’ memorial on the anniversary of his death. He wants to “introduce” me to his grandfather. “Okay, that’s kind of weird,” Amber had said when I told her about the trip and why Jamie wanted me to come along.

  Amber doesn’t believe in the afterlife. To her the idea of spirits hanging around their loved ones is preposterous. She thinks you live, you die and that’s it. Jamie doesn’t believe that everyone turns into ghosts when they die but he has said that when he visits his Grandfather’s grave he feels like Grandpa James can hear him. Me? I’m not sure what I believe. It would be comforting to believe that our loved ones’ spirits hang around long after their bodies are gone so they can look out for those they’ve left behind. I think it would make the concept of death a little easier but when Grandma Maggie died I never felt her around; she was just gone.

  Since it’s only an hour and a half from Perkins Harbor and we wouldn’t need to stay over, my parents agreed to let me go. They’re big Jamie fans but the idea of letting their teenage daughter stay overnight with her boyfriend in another city – NO. I have been to Boston a few times and although I am in no way a Red Sox fan, I love the city. It is so different from Perkins Harbor with its massive buildings, traffic, and crowded streets and of course, Fenway Park. I’ve never seen the inside of the ballpark because my dad says the Red Sox’s fans can get really rowdy and he doesn’t want to expose me to that kind of chaos just yet. I think it would be really exciting to see the stadium erupted during a game, especially against their rivals the New York Yankees. Here in Perkins we don’t have a lot of car traffic, it's mostly pedestrian but in Boston there always seems to be some kind of event going on whether it is a farmer’s market, street fair or sports game, the city is always buzzing. The first time I was there was almost like a culture shock for me. But Jamie grew up in Boston so for him it is like going home.

  “If we have time maybe I can show you where I grew up,” Jamie says as we pull off the interstate entering into Boston.

  “I’d love that,” I reply and squeeze Jamie’s hand, which I have been holding the entire trip.

  I know today is going to be difficult for him because the loss of his Grandpa is still so raw and I want to be as supportive as I can.

  We’re entering the main hub of Boston, Newbury Street, where the world’s best music store exists. Newbury Comics is where I bought my first Backstreet Boys CD so they will always have my undying support. Newbury Street is buzzing, even at 8 o’clock in the morning on a Saturday. One thing I’ve always loved about Boston is the eclectic mix of its residents. In Perkins Harbor people are pretty much the same, but here, you have people from all walks of life. A couple I’d never see in Perkins stroll arm-in-arm along the sidewalk. But it’s not their alabaster skin with silver pierces all over it or dark ripped jeans that catches my eye. I can’t stop staring at the tattoos that are covering both of their arms completely. There are a few people in Perkins with tattoos but they’re small and hidden. No one broadcasts their rebellion to the world like some of the people in Boston do and I love it. Here me and my brace blend in with the rest of the metal covered bodies and faces of the unique personalities of Boston’s residents.

  We pass by a Starbucks and the Puma store where I bought a pair of sneakers during my family’s last trip here because the ones I had brought with me had gotten caught between the teeth of a playful Rottweiler. We head out of the hub and continue on our way toward Forest Hills Avenue where the cemetery is. As we approach the gates into Forest Hills Cemetery Jamie squeezes my hand and looks at me with a half-smile.

  The cemetery is broken into sections, which are grouped together by the family’s last name. Since Grandpa James was Mr. Clarke’s father we don’t have to drive through too many of the sections to find his grave.

  “There it is,” Jamie says, pointing to a cobble headstone in the corner of the “C” section, with flowers sprinkled on it.

  As we approach James Clarke’s grave, I am very careful as to where I step, knowing that someone’s family member is lying beneath my feet. I cling to Jamie’s arm and kiss him as we stand in front of all that is left of his Grandfather.

  I’ve never thought of Jamie as vulnerable but today is different. His eyes are slanted and his face flushed. He won’t look at me, he just stares at the headstone that reads

  JAMES CLARKE
, LOVING HUSBAND AND FATHER.

  “FIGHT UNTIL YOU DIE OR LIVE TRYING.”

  “Hey Gramps,” Jamie says. “See, I promised I’d be back.” His voice cracks as he places a piece of paper under one of the flowers that has already been left by an earlier visitor. I don’t know what is on the paper, I didn’t even know he had it, but it’s folded in the same way the note he gave me was when he asked me to be his girlfriend. “I’ve also brought company.” He looks at me and I almost don’t recognize his eyes. They’re usually vibrant and alive but right now they’re glazed and moist. “This is April, my girlfriend. Yes, I actually have a girlfriend. She’s pretty awesome and is going to be a world famous author and she is without a doubt the best person I know.”

  “Hello,” I say and wave at the headstone. Lame girlfriend move right there. Who waves at a headstone? We didn’t have a burial for my grandma Maggie. She was cremated and placed in an urn that is sitting on the mantel of our fireplace and when Amber’s aunt died I stayed in the back of the crowd and never saw the headstone so I really don’t know how to act around it. Jamie treated it like his Grandfather is sitting on top of it. I look around and see other graves have visitors and they’re all talking to their deceased loved ones as well. “I am sorry I never had the chance to meet you but Jamie has told me wonderful things about you.”

  I wish I had known the man who Jamie says made him who he is today. I would love to thank James for molding his grandson to be the everything that I have been looking for in life. I don’t want to cry because then Jamie will be taking care of me and today is about him and what he needs. I have felt like our entire relationship until today has been about me and now it’s his turn.

  “Mom and dad are doing just fine and we’ve adapted to life in Perkins Harbor pretty easily. It’s a lot different than Boston though. The beach is really nice, not much different from Revere but there are definitely more seagulls flying around. You would have laughed last week when mom and I were down at the beach, one of the seagulls chased after her because it wanted the bagel she was eating.”

  “Yeah, the Perkins seagulls can be pretty vicious when it comes to food,” I interject.

  Jamie smiles and sits on the ground, pretty much on top of his grandfather. He crosses his legs and pulls me down next to him. I am sitting on top of a grave. There’s a person under here. This is so weird. Don’t think about it and just focus on Jamie. This is what he needs so suck it up.

  “You know how you felt about Grandma? That’s how I feel about April,” Jamie continues. “She’s the one, Gramps and even though you’re not physically with me anymore I wanted you to meet her and see why I’ve been so happy lately. I don’t have proof but I know that you had a hand in all of this so thank you for bringing her to me.”

  I wrap my arms around Jamie’s waist and I can feel his shoulders shaking a little bit. He’s crying and it’s weird seeing it. I feel like I should be doing more than just rubbing his back but I don’t know what to do. I have dealt with death before and have had people comfort me but I never had to be the one to comfort someone else. With Amber I used jokes and her own personality to get her through her aunt’s death, but I can’t do that with Jamie. So I’ll just be his shoulder to cry on.

  We stayed at the cemetery for a long time. After my initial discomfort I warmed up and even had a few one-sided conversations with Grandpa James myself. With Jamie’s prompting I told him about my writing and also about my Backstreet Boys obsession and the concert that we’re going to this summer and how lucky I was to have found him. As I spoke I realized that it didn’t seem so weird talking to the headstone and I understood why people do. It’s cathartic and you do feel like the person is still there in a way.

  Since we still have a few minutes before we have to head back to Perkins Harbor Jamie offers to take me to see where he grew up and of course I am dying to go. I want to see where my boyfriend grew into the sexy boy he is today, although it’s weird thinking of him being anywhere else but in my life.

  Before the Clarke’s moved to Perkins Harbor they lived in a brownstone in Beacon Hill, a section of Boston with narrow streets that could have given a few of the steep roads in San Francisco a challenge. The cobblestone is difficult to drive on and I feel like I’m on an airplane that has hit an air pocket. Jamie’s childhood home is nestled between two larger brownstones but his stands out thanks to the pale pink door that his mother insisted on having. This is my favorite house in the world because it’s where Jamie lived before he found me. Across the street children are screaming and shouting as they jump on the swing sets of a small playground, I wonder if Jamie played at that park when he was their age. I imagine a young Jamie running up and down the hill completely unaware of what his life would have in store for him when he was a teenager. I wonder if we ever played together when my family would visit Boston. Okay fine that’s a bit of a stretch but anything is possible.

  “I hated having my friends over because of that damn door,” Jamie says as we stand on the street outside the house where he spent the first 18-years of his life.

  Jamie walks up to the first floor window and peeks inside. The house is dark and the curtains are drawn so he’s not going to be able to see much.

  “We may not be able to go inside and make out but who says we can’t defile the front door a little bit.” He lifts me off the ground and I wrap my legs around his back and he stumbles against the pink door. The brace makes me heavier than I should be.

  The streets are coming alive as people file out of their homes. Some of them stare at us while others walk by like we don’t exist. I hope the current owners don’t get back before we’re finished making out. We have kissed a hundred times since our first date but today it feels different, like we’re more connected. I don’t have the same nervous tension in my chest that I had every other time. Jamie is holding me closer than normal and he’s more genteel about it. It’s the first time, since Halloween, that we’ve kissed and I don’t feel like it might lead to something more. Something has changed but I know it’s a good change not one that is going to end with me curled in a ball on my bed buried beneath crumbled tissues.

  Jamie kisses me three times as small pecks and leans away from me. “April,” he whispers, “I need you to know something. I still haven’t gotten used to the fact that my grandfather is gone and coming here has always been really hard for me but having you with me today, well it is the first time I feel like I can start to let go.” He smiles and allows me to hug him and brush his hand with my hand. “Thank you for today.”

  Until today I always felt like I needed Jamie more than he needed me. He’s always coming to my rescue when people make fun of my brace and he’s always there to pick up the pieces when I’m struggling with life. Today I realized that he needs me as much as I need him.

  -18-

  Marlo wasn’t going to fall in love because she knew no one could love her back. She was destined to fight alien-like creatures who sought to destroy the earth and everyone on it, and this meant that anyone she cared about would be at risk. Besides, who would love a girl that disappears every time they put their brace on? She was determined to live in solitude but the moment Marlo met Clarke all of her plans changed.

  I had the book planned out in my head. I knew how it would start, where it would climax and how it would end. I knew that Marlo would come face-to-face with The Metals, her enemies, and would come close to death before defeating them. I knew that she would struggle with the powers her brace gave her and even knew that she would lose all of her friends because of it but what I didn’t know is that there would be a Clarke. I thought giving someone like Marlo a love interest wouldn’t be believable because of the way she looked but I also thought having a love interest of my own wasn’t believable either. I keep expecting to wake up and realize that my entire relationship with Jamie has been one long dream.

  “April Rose Marks,” my mother calls from downstairs. “Turn that computer off and get your butt to school!”
r />   I have been writing since 5 o’clock a.m. when my muse decided that I no longer needed to sleep. She’s a fickle creature and always pops up at the most inopportune times. Last week she paid me a visit right in the middle of a pop quiz and rather than writing about the Periodic Table I was jotting down notes about Marlo’s subway adventure. Still, when she’s gone I long for the random visits she gives me. I could probably write all day if going to school were optional.

  I begrudgingly power off the computer and throw my red hoodie over my head and race downstairs where mom is impatiently waiting for me.

  “You know mom, there is a saying among authors...never disrupt a writer at work or you might be a murder victim in their next novel.”

  “I guess I’ll have to take my chances,” mom replies as she shoves me out the door. “Happy Valentine’s Day, April!”

  The Flower Committee is already handing out the first batch of Valentine’s as I make my way through the hallway. Principal Weist, after a lot of begging from Liza, implemented the Valentine’s Flower Committee where students could send roses to their boyfriends, girlfriends, crushes, etc. throughout the day.

  Amber and I used to despise Valentine’s Day and rather than partaking in the festivities we would rent slasher movies and do a gory movie marathon. “This day should be banned from life,” Amber had said one year after a fierce breakup with one of her boyfriends. I never had a boyfriend for Valentine’s Day (Charlie and I started dating after it had passed), so I didn’t mind joining Amber’s bitter parade. “Seriously! Hallmark needs to find a new way to make their money,” I replied. Of course, once Amber found a new boyfriend she changed her tune and now it’s my turn.

  “Hey Ape,” April says as she skips towards me hugging a bouquet of flowers.