The new arrivals flock toward the kitchen, well actually they’re flocking toward the beer, which just happens to be in the kitchen. Jeremy and Erik fist bump and Alison’s date, a scrawny guy with black eyeliner, nods in our direction.
“Hey Erik,” Liza says, sashaying towards us. “I hear this is supposed to be your best party to date.”
Why do I always forget how freaking gorgeous Liza is? It's like she’s not even trying to be beautiful, she just is. I’m not sure she really wears any makeup. She probably rolls out of bed and is ready to go looking like a million bucks. It’s so not fair. She never has to worry about being made fun of because of a metal halo surrounding her neck. She never has to second guess the decisions she makes because they always work in her favor and she never has to work to get or keep a guy, they will always gravitate to her. But she’s a bitch so there’s her flaw.
“Hell yeah! This party is going to be off the chains!” Erik shouts into his fist like it’s a megaphone.
“Hey Jamie,” Liza bats her eyelashes and shifts her hips in his direction.
The sound of his name from her mouth makes me want to hurl. She says it and somehow it oozes sex. Rather than saying, “Let’s screw,” she would say, “Jamie,” and everyone would know that was the signal for sex.
“Liza. I see its Standard Saturday again,” Jamie replies.
How the hell does he know about Standard Saturday?
“You know it,” Liza does a little spin so everyone can see the skin that she is trying to pass off as a dress. “Oh hey April. I didn’t see you there.”
Bitch.
“Liza,” I reply. “Where’s Jeremy? I thought I saw you two come in together.”
I slide my arms around Jamie’s waist but I might as well be a dog peeing on him to mark my territory.
“Babe!” Jeremy shouts from across the room. I feel like every word he says should be followed by the sound, duuuh. “You have to see this. Michael is chugging two beers at once without any hands!”
I am now replaying Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure in my head. I am sure that if Ted were a real person Jeremy would challenge his level of stupidity. Liza shrugs and rushes over to see this amazing feat that Jeremy’s even dumber friend is about to attempt. I really don’t understand how those two will be graduating next year.
The kitchen is flooded with people and all I want to do is pull Jamie out of there.
“Jamie, please.” I tug on his arm and pull him into the foyer. “What’s gotten into you tonight?”
“Nothing. I’m fine,” Jamie says. He won’t look at me and when he does his eyes dart away so quickly I hardly have time to catch them.
“Okay. I know you. You’re not fine. Please tell me what’s going on,” I plead, caressing his arm.
“I thought I was okay with this but I guess I’m not.”
“Okay with what?” I already know what he is talking about.
“The whole Erik thing,” he lowers his gaze and stiffens his lower lip. “You had a thing for my best friend.”
I knew we shouldn’t have come tonight.
“Yes, I had a thing for him. That was almost two-years-ago and long before I knew there was a you,” I approach him, carefully. I don’t want him to pull away when I reach for him. “Jamie, I love you. You’re the person I want to be with. Erik means nothing to me and besides if you haven’t noticed I’m pretty sure there is something going on between him and Amber.”
“Let’s just go back to the party,” Jamie says and starts for the kitchen.
“Jamie, wait. Talk to me. What can I do to make you feel better about this? You should already know by now that the only person in my heart is you. But if you need more convincing tell me what I need to do and I’ll do it. Erik means nothing to me and if I could go back in time and unmeet him I would but since I am not a Time Lord, this is where we are. But I promise you’re it. Okay. Shouldn’t our marriage conversation on Christmas Eve be a clue that Erik is the furthest thing from my mind? Or the fact that I gave up my virginity to you?”
I can almost see the tension weighing on his shoulders. “You should have seen the way you looked at him, April. It was the same way you looked at me that first day we met.”
This isn’t happening. Jamie can’t possibly believe that I would ever look at anyone the way I look at him. I had a crush - a stupid little crush, it is a simple as that.
“Jamie, come on. You can’t really believe that.”
“It doesn’t matter. Let’s just go back to the party.”
“No! We need to discuss this. I can’t believe that after everything and after all this time together you don’t trust me.”
I have never given him any reason to doubt my feelings for him. I only told him about Erik because I didn’t want to hide anything from him. I told him I wanted to marry him for God’s sake, what further proof does he need?
“How would you feel if the roles were reversed and I told you that I used to have feelings for Amber?” Jamie asks and waves his hands in the air like he is trying flag down a plane. “Somehow I don’t think you’d be singing the same tune right now.”
I’ll never admit it to him but he has a point. I know I wouldn’t be able to handle seeing them together but I also know how little I felt for Erik and how ridiculous it is for Jamie to be holding a former crush against me. Jealousy was never part of his personality. “I don’t see a point to being jealous. If we trust one another than that’s all that should matter,” Jamie had said after meeting Charlie. So either he no longer trusts me or his whole spiel about how pointless jealousy is was a big fat lie.
“I didn’t have feelings for Erik! It was a crush a stupid freaking crush and I don’t appreciate you using it against me or as a way to embarrass me in front of my friends!”
Jamie loses his balance as though the volume of my voice knocked him over. His shoulders roll and his arms fall at his sides. “And if you want to talk about looking at someone like they’re a meal waiting to be eaten, you should have seen your face when Liza walked in.”
Shit, why did I say that?
“Don’t turn this around on me, April. I’ve never been interested in Liza!”
“Oh please, you looked at her like she had walked in naked.” Oh my God April, shut the hell up. You’re only making things worse.
“God, April. Just forget it,” he says and stomps towards the kitchen that is now swarming with our drunken classmates.
“Are you kidding me? Why do you always walk away?” I shout.
“Because I’d rather not do or say something I am going to regret.”
He disappears into the flock of drunken teenagers all of whom shout over the thumping music in inaudible conversation.
My insides are on fire and sweat pools on my neck and back. I want to run after him, to tell him that he is being an idiot and that there is no one else in the world for me, but it’s obvious that won’t work. I don’t know how to fix this. I’m not sure it’s actually fixable. I’ve made things awkward between Jamie and Erik and if it comes down to making a choice between the two of us I know where I’ll land. When I was in the 8th grade I had a massive crush on Ryan Jenkins. On Valentine’s Day I made Ryan a card with the words, “I like you,” painted on the inside. One Friday afternoon Amber got wind of the fact that he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend. I was elated and hauled ass to Ryan’s locker where he was already waiting for me. Being the idiotic girl I was, and still am, I threw myself at him and shouted, “I would love to be your girlfriend!” before he even had a chance to open his mouth. That’s when I saw the look in his eyes like someone had just killed his favorite pet.
“I can’t be your boyfriend April. In fact, I’m not sure we should hang out anymore,” Ryan said as he peeled my arms from his neck.
He told me that his best friend, Charlie (yes, that Charlie), had a crush on me and made Ryan choose between Charlie and me. He chose his friend. I understood but I was devastated.
And I know that if he
has to, Jamie will do the same thing Ryan did. He will chose his best friend over me. If the roles were reversed I would probably do the same for Amber. What’s that saying? Lovers come and go but friends are forever?
-25-
“There you are!” Amber says skipping in from the living room. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” Her just-got-done-fooling-around-hair says otherwise. “Are you okay?”
“Well let’s see, my world is melting and I’m stuck at this freaking party and all I want to do is go home and eat a tub of mint chocolate chip ice cream” I answer.
I glide toward the stairs and nod to Amber, who follows me upstairs to the first empty room we can find, a bathroom where a porcelain monster came, threw up and then strung up two salmon curtains to cover its tracks.
“Okay what’s going on and tell me quickly. I’m afraid if we stay in here too long we are going to turn into porcelain,” Amber says and slides onto the edge of the bathtub.
The whole conversation with Jamie is playing on repeat in my head. “I thought I was okay with this but I guess I’m not,” Jamie’s words were as terrifying as him saying, “I don’t love you anymore.”
“I just had the worst fight with Jamie,” my voice cracks.
“Oh geez, about what?” Amber asks as she takes a swig of the blue drink. Vodka and whiskey waft through the air with a sweet and tangy aroma. That wets my palate and I’m tempted to march downstairs and grab a drink myself.
“Erik,” I say, flatly.
“Are you serious? Why?” she asks as she chokes on the unfinished sip of alcohol.
“Because he thinks I still have a thing for Erik or something. I don’t really know. Trying to get him to talk to me is like pulling teeth.”
“Oh God come on dude! You had a small crush on the guy almost two years ago. Besides you’re all gaga over Jamie now, sickeningly so. I’m sorry Ape but your man needs to grow up and grow a pair.”
“I brought up Liza too and how flirty he was with her before,” I say lowering my head and tugging on a loose piece of string that dangles from the curtain.
“April Ruth Marks you did not accuse that boy of having a thing for Liza!” Amber shouts waving her drink around so it mists out of the cup. “What would possess you to do such a thing?”
Whenever either of us has a boy-related issue Amber and I will piece it together like one giant boys-are-impossible puzzle. Usually we do it with a peppermint latte but since those aren’t easily accessible I suppose her kitchen-formed-concoction will have to do. I lunge forward and swipe her drink. I take a large swig and the combination of the bitter whiskey and the sweetness of vodka makes my stomach churn.
“I don’t know, I panicked.”
“Whoa! Slow down. It is far too early for you to be wasted,” Amber says and takes back the drink. “Besides you’re going to need somewhat of a level head if we’re going to sort through this whole Jamie debacle. We have a lot of cleanup to do, especially since you brought up the L-word, and I don’t mean love.”
Gas rises from the pit of my stomach until it tickles the back of my throat and I release a loud belch. I’d normally be embarrassed but I’ve done far worse in front of Amber.
“Okay, April that was gross.”
“Whatever. Now can we please figure this Jamie thing out?” I ask. I really hope no one was listening because that burp sounded like a school of dying frogs and I have somehow managed to gross myself out.
“Well, he’s an idiot for thinking you still have feelings for Erik, but we already knew that.”
“Hey, watch it. We might be in a fight right now but I still love the boy.”
“I know, I know,” Amber takes another swig of her drink and hands it to me. I take another sip and the room begins to spin. “But you’re also an idiot for trying to turn the blame around on him.”
“Okay, don’t let me have anymore. At least not until the room stops moving,” I say as moisture begins to soak my face. “How am I going to fix this, Amber? Why did I bring up Liza? He’s never shown any interest in her and I know it, I’ve always known it.”
Amber is always joking or making light of every situation but when she needs to be she can be incredibly serious and caring. When my grandma Maggie died Amber was at my house by 9 o’clock every morning for a month. She helped my dad with grocery shopping and doing the laundry, things that my mother and I were too distraught to handle. Even though we were barely teenagers, Amber helped me get through it and I know she’ll help me sort through this.
“First, you’re not going to lose it while sitting on a toilet in this porcelain hell,” Amber says and tosses the now empty glass into the garbage. “Secondly, this is Jamie we’re talking about. He’s crazy about you, nauseatingly so. The kid can’t survive without you. This isn’t the end of you guys, not even close. He is going to be mad for a little while, maybe for the rest of the night.” I squirm and whimper. Amber slumps off the tub and slides onto her knees in front of me. “But by the end of the night he will realize what an idiot he was being and he will beg for your forgiveness, despite your unwavering stupidity. Besides, he has nothing to worry about. Erik only has eyes for one girl.”
This is classic Amber. I already figured out that she and Erik were a thing now but what happened to Alex?
“Seriously, Amber? Like I couldn’t see the goo-goo eyes you two were throwing at each other earlier,” I say patting her head. “When did all of this happen and what about Alex? I thought you were really falling for him?”
Amber melts to the floor and throws her hand onto her forehead. “I don’t know how it happened, Ape,” she whines. “I was falling for Alex but then last week when my car broke down Erik happened to drive by and waited with me until the mechanic came and I don’t know, we got to talking and,” Amber slaps the floor and slithers around like a worm. “He is so much more than the dumb jock everyone thinks he is. He’s deep and sexy and ugh he makes me feel alive, you know?”
She used to call him, “Doctor Stinky Pants,” when we were in Kindergarten. She disliked him to the point where when I had my crush on him she’d say things like, “You don’t want Erik. I hear he’s got some irreversible disease.” It is eerie to hear her calling Erik “sexy” and what’s more she’s calling him, “deep.” I might have had a crush on Erik but even I know he isn’t deep.
“So I take it he’s been cleared of all disease then,” I tease. “Seriously though, what happened with Alex?”
“He is such a good guy and he treated me the way any girl wants a guy to. I don’t know, when everything started with Erik, all the excitement I felt when I was with Alex disappeared. I feel terrible but wouldn’t it have been worse if I lead him on and continued to see Erik behind his back?”
Wow. With every breakup she’s ever had I am usually the first person to find out. Since Jamie and I got serious, Amber and I haven’t really been as close. We used to hang out every day and talk on the phone at least five times a day when we weren’t together, especially when her mother would pull her out of school for some new adventure. But lately we’re lucky if we talk on the phone more than once and when we do it’s usually a five minute conversation about how annoying school is. We don’t talk the way we used to.
“Hey Amber,” I stammer. Having deep conversations about our friendship has never been our strong suit, boys sure - but us - not as easy. “Why didn’t you tell me about Alex or Erik when it happened?”
“I tried, Ape but you were so wrapped up in your 6-month anniversary dinner,” Amber replies.
I am both the worst friend and girlfriend ever. “Amber, I’m really sorry I’ve been such a shitty friend lately.”
I have more to say but she throws a clammy hand up to shut me up. “No, no, no. We’re at a high school party, being thrown by the guy I happen to be hooking up with. We’ve already had our Lifetime movie moment and I’m too tipsy to have anymore.”
“No, but I feel really bad. You know you can always talk to me, right?”
“Oh geez, yes Ape I know. Stop being so dramatic. Now, if you’re not melting anymore, can we please go back to the party?
-26-
The house is roaring with conversations going at once and every room is crawling with kids from school; it is louder than sitting front row at a Backstreet Boys concert, not that I know what that sounds like…yet. Amber and I make our way into the kitchen.
“I know Eric said this party was going to be huge but this is ridiculous!” I yell. Less than an hour ago this house was enormous now it’s like standing in a powder room.
“Do you see Jamie anywhere?” I shout over the clamor of drunk teens.
She peeks around the crowd that is barricading the entrance to the kitchen, “No. All I see is too much gel and a lot of bad dye jobs.”
“Amber!” Erik calls from the middle of the teenage mosh pit.
I can’t see him but I see a beer bottle floating towards us. A patch opens enough for me to see a section of the kitchen but I don’t see Jamie. It is going to be hard to pick him out of this crowd of blue denim jeans and skirts so short they leave little to the imagination.
“Geez, did you invite the entire town to this thing?” Amber says as Erik reaches us and hands her a beer.
“It seems that way doesn’t it?” Erik replies and hustles us out of the kitchen and back into the foyer. “Whew. I really wasn’t expecting this many people. I mean I knew this party was going to be crazy but this is out of control. This must be Liza’s doing. She always had a big mouth.”
He would know. During our freshman year Erik and Liza dated for a few weeks. Well, actually they weren’t officially dating so much as they were hooking up. Liza is the first of the girls my age that I know of, to lose her virginity. She has always been a free spirit for lack of a kinder word. After they broke up or stopped screwing Liza and Erik had a massive blowout in the middle of the cafeteria but he still continues to invite her to these parties. I’m not really sure why.
The Tragedy of Loving Jamie Clarke Page 15