The Tragedy of Loving Jamie Clarke

by Cohen, Rebecca R.

  “No, you don’t have to do that,” I protest, weakly.

  “Ape, there’s no need to pretend. I know you’re wallowing and what kind of friend would I be if I let you wallow alone?”

  After the call from Jamie I swore I was done crying for the night...so much for that.

  “Okay,” sniffle, sob, snot, “thank you, Amber,” sniffle, sob, snot “I’ll see you soon.”

  Amber sighs and muffles her voice, “Erik, we gotta go...now!”

  I wonder how Marlo would handle a situation like this. I doubt she’d be sitting in the dark crying about a boy. Unlike me, she doesn’t need anyone else to give her self-worth. I wish I were more like her then maybe I wouldn’t feel this shitty right now. I’d also be invisible.

  -29-

  I throw my arms around Amber’s neck as she hangs her jacket on the coat rack in the foyer. It took her less than ten minutes to get here but in those ten minutes I finished the rest of the ice cream, had two pieces of the chocolate cake and destroyed the plate of rainbow cookies Mrs. Hill made for the family. Had Amber not come tonight I probably would have finished all the junk food in the cabinets as well.

  “Has he called you again?” Amber asks.

  Jamie’s face enters my mind. I know I told him to give me space but the truth is, I don’t want space I just want Jamie.

  “No, I told him not to,” I reply and flop beside her on the couch. “Did you see him before you left?”

  Amber shifts against the arm of the couch and fluffs the pillow that I had cried and screamed into earlier. She picks up the carton of ice cream and pokes at it with her finger. She manages to scrape a few licks of ice cream from the sides of the carton and tosses it in the air towards the waste basket. It floats and lands inches from the pail. I’ve noticed something; whenever Jamie sends garbage flying toward the pail it always goes in but if Amber or I try somehow it ends up landing just short of the garbage. What is that about?

  “So,” I say, “did you see Jamie before you left?”

  “I did. He didn’t say anything to me though.”

  “No, I figured he wouldn’t.” I pick up a pillow and braid pieces of yarn that dangle off the edges of it. “Was he with Liza?”

  Amber rolls her eyes and slides so her feet dangle enough to reach the coffee table.

  “I don’t agree with how Jamie acted tonight and I think he’s a freaking moron for using the whole Erik thing against you but you have got to get over this Liza thing. He’s never shown any interest in her and every time she’s tried to make a move he’s either ignored it or turned her away.”

  “She’s made a move on him before?” I launch off the couch and stand with my arms folded. “How? When?” I demand as my shoulders begin to involuntarily twitch.

  I knew she had her eyes on him but I didn’t realize she’s actually tried to take him from me. When did this happen? How did I not know about it? Why didn’t he tell me about it? Okay, I know why he didn’t tell me but still, isn’t this the kind of thing I should know about?

  “Dude. Relax,” says Amber. “As I said it didn’t work. I swear, if I didn’t know you better I’d think you had a thing for Liza with how much you obsess over her.”

  “Oh come on. She’s a sneaky bitch. If she were going after Erik again you’d be saying the same thing.”

  “Yeah. Well. Still you really need to give it a rest. Jamie is so not interested in her. He’s too goo-goo eyed for you.”

  Full disclosure, I love hearing how gaga for me Jamie is. If outsiders can see it then it must be true.

  With me off the couch, Amber takes advantage of the room and stretches out her legs across and rests her hands behind her head. She stares at the ceiling smiling but my mundane ceiling isn’t why she has that euphoric grin that I had every time I thought about Jamie over the last six-months or those same wide cat eyes. I know she’s thinking about Erik.

  “Hey, got any peppermint?” Amber asks and she jolts up.

  “Of course we do!”

  It’s amazing how bubbly the idea of peppermint coffee can make me. Tonight the excitement over the coffee is because I know that by the time the cups are empty Amber and I will have determined if I should call Jamie.

  “Do you think Jamie and I will get past this?” I ask once we’ve had a few sips of the coffee.

  I have been sitting on that question for the last hour. I wanted to ask Amber the minute she walked in but I’ve been too afraid. She is usually brutally honest, which I appreciate, but sometimes hearing it sucks. I cross my fingers under the table and wait for her response.

  “Ape, come on. It’s you and Jamie, of course you will.” she says, taking another sip of coffee. “This is just a small hump in your sickeningly perfect romance”

  The 6-ton elephant that had been sitting on my chest since Amber came over jumps off and breathing becomes easier. But to be safe...

  “What makes you so sure?”

  Buzz, buzz, buzz. I hear a muffled vibration coming from the other room. I must have left my phone in the living room! No wonder I felt so naked. I almost never go anywhere without it. Buzz, buzz, buzz. I throw the chair back and jump to my feet and rush to grab my phone.

  “No!” Amber roars. “Sit back down.”

  I pause and turn to face her. “Umm...why?” She gulps the last few sips of coffee and places the cup down. She looks at me the way my mother does when she’s about to lay down some generational advice. But Amber says nothing, she just stares blankly at me. We’re super close but I am no mind reader so this whole Jedi-mind-trick thing isn’t going to work. “Hello? Earth to Amber! Why can’t I get my phone?”

  Buzz, buzz, buzz.

  “Okay this is ridiculous! I can’t stand here and have a staring contest with you while my phone is taunting me!” I race into the living room and snatch the phone off the table. TWO MISSED CALLS: JAMIE. “Lovely!” I click back to the home screen and search for Jamie’s number in my favorites list.

  “Seriously?” Amber shouts as she waltzes towards me. She shakes her head and buries her face in the palm of her hand.

  “I’m not like you, Amber,” I whine and throw my hands on my hips. “I can’t just let things roll off my shoulders. Life isn’t always glass half-full.”

  I tried not to let Jamie become my life, I really did but he broke every wall I had down and eventually I had no choice but to give in.

  “You don’t have to be glass-half full to know when to stand your ground, Ape,” says Amber as she allows her arms to fall at her sides.

  “This is the second time he’s called me in the last hour, look two missed calls,” I say shoving the phone in her face.

  “April, the guy started a fight with you in the middle of a high school party, he used your honesty with him against you and he freaking lied to you! Do I really need to tell you why you should continue to freeze him out…at least for a little while longer?” she begs, clapping her hands together.

  All I want to do right now is pick up my phone and call Jamie back. I want to hear the sound of his voice and feel the safety of knowing he loves me. I want to rewind the last two nights and take back everything I told him about Erik. Unfortunately I can only live in the here and now but that doesn’t mean I am going to be happy about it.

  “Damn you, Amber,” I scoff but relent. “I’ll let him sweat it out. But as punishment we’re going upstairs and I’m making you listen to the new Backstreet Boys album cover-to-cover.”

  She just won a battle so she doesn’t argue and follows me upstairs, albeit she is walking pretty slowly. Procrastination won’t save her tonight.

  -30-

  You know those dreams that feel so real that when you wake up and open your eyes you’re not sure if you’re still inside the dream? Well, right now I can’t figure out if all the eyes staring at me are coming from the posters on my ceiling or if I’m still dreaming. I hope I’m awake. The dream I was having is not one I want to live in. I dreamt about Jamie, big surprise right? But this wasn’t
one of those fantastic dreams where we’re running through some flower field in slow motion. It was a nightmare.

  We were standing in a tiny room; well, it was more like a door less alabaster closet with a ceiling that forced Jamie to hunch over so his head wouldn’t smash through it. We were engulfed in a musty smell - like mothballs and dirt. I couldn’t breathe and as panic began to set in I looked to Jamie for help but he just stood there, staring right through me like he wasn’t even really there, as if his body were just a shell. I tried to get him back, to snap his soul back into his body. I shook him, screamed at him, “Jamie! Jamie! Talk to me. Jamie, come back to me!” Nothing worked, every time I tried the walls slid closer and closer together. I knew that the room was going to crush us if we didn’t get out but there was nowhere to go. There was nothing but wall. I threw my weight onto the wall closest to us and pushed with everything I had to try to get it to stop moving but nothing worked.

  My feet began to slip from under me and when I looked for him, Jamie was gone. I screamed for him but my screams seemed to move the walls closer to me more quickly. As darkness consumed me I screamed one final time for Jamie.

  So here I am sweating, disoriented and half off the bed. Amber takes up as much room on the bed as a 500-pound man. My heart is racing and I try to rub the sleep from my eyes but the daze of the dream still hasn’t worn off. I flip onto my back and stare at the poster of the Backstreet Boys on my ceiling. Five familiar faces smile at me. I rub the corner of the blanket where the seams were sewn together. It feels real and I can hear crickets singing outside and the hum of the dehumidifier that I’ve used every night since I was a baby, so I must be awake.

  I have always been fascinated with the concept of dream interpretation and have read dozens of books on the subject so I can analyze the dream, but the interpretation for dreaming about a room without any windows and doors is about pregnancy and the womb. Jamie and I have only ever had sex once and that was a few weeks ago and we were safe, so I know I am not pregnant. It has to be something else. Besides the shrinking room isn’t what is making me feel uneasy right now, it’s the Jamie shell. Maybe my dream is trying to show me what I’m afraid of, that after tonight Jamie’s feelings for me have changed. But that doesn’t make any sense either. You don’t fall out of love with someone just because you have a fight, right? Maybe I should wake up Amber and ask her what she thinks but she hates being woken up and lets me know it. When we were little and would have sleepovers I would make the mistake of waking her up in the middle of the night. She’d scream about how horrible of a friend I was and then she’d spend the next ten minutes tossing on, kicking and punching the bed. You would think I would have learned after the first few times but I didn’t and continued to wake her until we were in our teens. Once you reach a certain size the violence against the bed changes and turns on you, the best friend.

  Buzz. My phone bounces around the nightstand and stops abruptly. I pull the phone off the charger read the screen. NEW VOICEMAIL.

  Hey April its Jamie. The ache in his voice makes my stomach turn. I’ve been sitting on the beach staring at the waves for the last two-hours trying to figure out what to say to you. I thought about coming over but after we spoke and when you didn’t answer your phone I figured you meant it when you said you needed space. I get it. He sighs and breathes heavily for a few seconds. I can’t tell you how sorry I am about how I acted tonight. I don’t know what came over me. I saw Erik and you and I don’t know I snapped. I guess seeing you two together, okay I know you weren’t together but you know what I mean, just struck a nerve. I know lying about ditching you was the worst thing I could have done and if I could go back and change it I would. I’m not sure if you can but I really hope you will forgive me. I think I just got afraid because I know you’re it for me. I’m done looking for the one because I have found her and that freaks me out a little bit. But I also think that’s a good thing. Anyway, I just had to call and tell you how sorry I am. I’ll be up for a while so you can call me if you want. If not I’ll try again tomorrow. I love you, April.

  I click the home button to check the time. 1:03 a.m. It is too late to call him tonight but its okay because I will call him first thing in the morning.

  -31-

  “April, sweetie. Wake up,” mom says, and gently brushes her hand against my cheek.

  Her voice is shaky and broken. The last time she sounded like this was when she told me that Grandmother Maggie died. I open my eyes and see mom kneeling in front of me. Sleep hasn’t receded from her eyes yet and her lips are cracked and blistered.

  “Anna, is she awake?” my father says quietly as he enters the room and joins her at my bedside. He mirrors the worn out look my mother is wearing. “Hi sweetie.”

  “Ape, you awake?” Amber says softly.

  I feel the mattress dip as Amber climbs onto the bed and sits beside me. She’s sniffling and coughs like she’s got something stuck in her throat. Why is she so upset? Why is everyone else in this room acting like the world is about to implode? Amber places her hand on my shoulder and I can feel the weight of her sadness pushing on my lungs. My head is heavy, spinning and I feel sick to my stomach. My mother and father’s eyes are dripping as they glide to their feet and clutch one another and stare at me a little too long. I feel small the way I used to feel when I was younger and would get in trouble. I am sick of looking at their sad faces and tired of them staring at me just waiting for me to fall apart.

  On my phone I have ten missed calls from Mrs. Clarke and six voicemails, which are probably from Jamie’s mom. Six voicemails, six messages telling me every word I’ve never wanted to hear. Everyone here knows about those messages but there’s one that only I know about. I know you’re it for me. I’m done looking for the one because I have found her. When the words stop and silence returns I know what has happened. No one has to say it. I already know. Jamie is gone.

  -32-

  For the last forty-eight-hours I have been going through the motions and doing all of the things a girl should do after her boyfriend dies. I have made the appropriate phone calls for his parents to their family and friends. I have locked myself in my room for hours and listened to all the songs that remind me of Jamie. I have said the appropriate things like, “I loved him so much,” and “I’m so lucky to have been loved by him.” I’ve helped Mr. and Mrs. Clarke make funeral arrangements and even helped Jamie’s mom pick out the casket he would be buried in. I have done everything I am supposed to do in this kind of situation. But I haven’t felt the weight of it. I don’t deserve to.

  The funeral is set for 10 o’clock a.m. at the Perkins Harbor funeral home, where most people in this town go to say goodbye. I have less than an hour before I have to face a room full of Jamie’s loved ones who will see me as the girl Jamie wanted to spend the rest of his life with. The girl he did spend the rest of his life with. The one. They won’t see the person I see when I look in the mirror, the girl responsible for Jamie’s death.

  “April, how are you doing?” mom asks, poking her head in the room. She’s already dressed. Her hair, that has sprouted a few new grey patches over the last two days, is pulled back and held together with one of Grandma Maggie’s butterfly clips.

  “It won’t stay,” I say and toss my hair in a clump on top of my head. My fingers are wet and sticky and covered in broken pieces of hair from the last hour of yanking. “I keep trying but it just keeps breaking.”

  Mom glides in, grabs the mass of hair and twists, pulls and flips it until it is latched up with a hair tie. She places her hands on my shoulders and stares at me through our reflection in the mirror. “You’re strong April, you’ll get through this.”

  I smile and touch her hands with mine. “No I won’t,” I whisper.

  “I know it doesn’t seem like it now sweetie but you will, I promise,” she says and smiles widely but her eyes remain lowered and empty.

  “You shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep, mom.”

  She stands n
ext to me and grabs my hands and forces me to look at her. She has that motherly look in her eyes like she thinks her advice will change anything. You know that look when her eyes get wider and her lips flatten right before she speaks? I think all parents have that all-knowing look and this is hers.

  “April Rose Marks, you listen to me. You will get through this. You will come out on the other side because you are strong and have so much in life to look forward to.”

  “No mom, I don’t. Two days ago I did because I had Jamie. Now, I have nothing but this pain in my chest and aching in my stomach,” I say. “Unless you’re talking about the fact that I can be held accountable for his death.”

  I shouldn’t have said anything. Why have I not learned my lesson about what I should and should not admit to my parents? I didn’t tell her when I realized that Jamie was the one so why did I tell her this?

  “Mom?” I ask hesitantly. I don’t really want to get into this right now but it’s awkward with her sitting here staring at me like I’m the one who died.

  “How can you say such a thing?” Mom says after many seconds of silence.

  “Because it’s the truth.”

  “Why? How? Please, make me understand.”

  She knows why. After Jamie died I explained it all to her. I told her about the fight and the phone calls. I let her hear his voicemail and she knew that I had made the decision not to call him and to let my pride control my choices. She knew that he was at the beach waiting for me to call him back and that he went into the waves because that’s what we did on our first date and that’s why he was pulled under by the current. So why is she asking me to make her understand? Shouldn’t she already get it?

  “You know why,” I insist and slide into the navy blue skirt and grey blouse that I had determined would be my Jamie’s funeral dress.

  Today is going to be hard enough and even though I didn’t ask their permission I determined that I would not be wearing the brace today. I don’t want my last time seeing Jamie to be with that cage on me. I look smaller without it on. This is how I will look the last time I ever see Jamie. Funny, this isn’t how I pictured it. I thought I would have a lot more wrinkles, would be covered in silver hair and be horizontal and hooked up to a bunch of machines and wires. I thought I’d see him sitting beside me, holding my hand and telling me how happy our lives together had made him. Isn’t it amazing how you can plan things out so carefully and just like that everything changes?