by Blythe Stone
My iced coffee was actually pretty good for a shitty drive-thru. I took a few cold gulps as I moved in the dark and groped for my phone.
French fries called out to me now, even more so than those pancakes or that hot tub. I wanted to eat crap food.
“Seriously, I can’t even wait,” Avery said, breaking open her nachos and shoving a loaded chip into her mouth.
“Hey!” I laughed, catching her eating without me. “Get over here,” I said, taking the back of her dress down so she'd have to change out of her wet underwear.
I dipped down and stole one of her nachos, popping it into my mouth. “Aw fuck,” I moaned. “The drunks were right. We should've been Christianly and bought them some.”
“Na, we should have just bought more for us,” she said, between bites.
“Will you really need more?” I smiled down at her. Unzipping her dress did me nothing. She just sat right down on the couch and resumed devouring her chips.
I stole another chip and ate it. “Jesus Christ, why are these so good?” It was insulting. The looks of the establishment usually meant the food would be trash. This was probably better than what my parents were eating by far.
I moved to get in Avery’s space, stealing her attention by obstructing her reach and sitting right down in her lap.
“So, you want me to eat you instead?” She asked, eyebrow raised.
“Always,” I said, taking another chip and eating it.
She waited until I’d chewed and swallowed before she kissed me, and wrapped her arms around my body. When she leaned back she pulled an arm from around me and winked at me as she put a nacho in her mouth and ate it.
“Wow. Cruel,” I said, leaning forward to try and find my French fries. “If I'm not appetizing you can always just say it,” I grumbled. I popped a French fry in my mouth and pretended to be semi displeased.
“You’re delicious but I just thought why not try both,” she said.
“Then what of my pancakes?” I said, waving my hand at them since they still sat untouched.
I ate another fry. It was way too good not to indulge.
My coffee had ended up on the other side of most of the food. I had to get up for a second to reach over and grab it.
“Bring the pancakes. I’ll let you eat them off of me,” she joked.
“Shut up,” I laughed. Then I scowled at her and thought about it. “Whipped cream, possibly,” I approved.
I sat down next to her and put the pancakes on my lap, opening the box. Inside the butter had melted into a puddle and the chocolate chips looked soft as the steam rose.
“Mmm,” I said, taking a plastic fork and ripping a piece to feed to Avery. I opened up my mouth when she did.
“Ice would be good too,” she said before taking the piece of pancake.
“Ice would be very sexy,” I said, concentrating on her expression as she took the piece of pancake and ate.
I cut myself a piece and tried it.
“Oh fuck,” I muttered. “I'm not even drunk and this is probably the best food I've had all year.”
“That place is my new favorite, with or without drunk people,” Avery agreed.
“Asshole by your window aside, I was a little fond of the messy drunk few,” I explained.
I took another piece of pancake out and fed it to her.
“If you could choose your friends how would they be?” I asked, putting the fork down and licking some butter off my thumb.
I pulled my coffee up and drank some before moving the straw in front of Avery so that she could just drink.
“What do you mean?” She asked before taking the straw between her lips and drinking.
“Your ideal friends,” I thought. It was something I rarely wondered about but I thought maybe other people would. Especially after what we had seen just now at the drive-thru place.
“I don't know. I like the ones I have. Sky can be a shit but I still love her,” Avery said.
“It’s just interesting. The people we end up loving,” I laughed.
I took my cup back and drank some.
The fries were really good. I kept sneaking them into my mouth and letting them mush onto my tongue all warm and salty and hidden from view.
“Very true. When I first met Nat I would never have thought we would be close,” Avery admitted.
“Why? Cause she’s so hot?” I teased, popping another French fry into my mouth and side-eyeing her. I sat back on the couch and crossed my arms to stay warm.
“Very cute,” she said, shaking her head. “Because she's in love with you,” Avery reminded.
“Don’t most best friends love each other?” I asked, examining her slow. I moved to get my pancakes and put them back on my lap to eat some. “Not to mention. She’s sort of having sex with other people. She can’t be too in love.”
“Some best friends love each other and sometimes it's more. She would want to be with you in a romantic way if you were in love with her the same way. And you can be in love with someone and sleep with other people. That doesn't mean you aren't in love with them. Especially, if they're with someone else and you're trying to move on,” Avery contemplated.
“I wonder if I can even have a friendship that isn’t in some way romantic,” I thought.
The chocolate pancakes were too good. I hummed in appreciation.
“I don't know. You're friends with Holland. Do you want to kiss her?”
“Romance isn’t just about touch,” I said, tilting my head and looking over at her. “Its emotional intimacy,” I explained. “Being able to share certain private things. I don't understand the politics of acquaintanceship. Why it generally masquerades as something else. But then again I don't exactly understand anything about my own relationships either. Especially you and me,” I laughed and smirked, looking over at her.
“Okay, do you feel romantic about her?” Avery asked.
“I feel a kinship I can't feel with anyone else, yes,” I said, noticing.
“We probably just have different definitions of romance,” Avery said.
“It's just me being weird,” I laughed. “It doesn't matter. Can we soak now?” I wondered.
“Yeah,” Avery said. I couldn’t tell if my thoughts really bothered her but I wished I could know.
I got up and took a few more fries, eating them and then motioning for her to stand. “Come ‘ere,” I said, offering my hands to help her up.
She blinked and shook her head like she had been deep in thought and then took my hands. She stood as I pulled her up and our bodies bumped, her hip hitting mine.
“Whoops,” I laughed, slipping my hand around to her back and onto her bare skin. “You know the way I feel about you is more romantic than anything else can ever be, right?”
I hadn't meant to confuse her. We swayed a little because I wanted to feel her.
“Yeah, I do.” She moved with me but got distant again, her eyes focusing on some intangible thing. “What do you think of me and Nat. I mean, I don't get or understand it sometimes. Logically, I shouldn't feel whatever it is I do. I know it's nothing like how I love you. I wouldn't feel like dying if she left but it's something,” she pondered.
“I think it’s romantic,” I said, swaying with her. It pretty much explained what I was saying, but for her. I leaned back a little, moving her hair from her face. A few strands had dried wavy from the salt water and they had hung just left of her eye, trying to keep me from seeing her.
The kiss was interesting, just like the other things we’d done too and with each other in our more reckless days, which were rare. But I didn’t think about it as cheating. Natalia was something special to me. And Avery was something special. In a lot of ways, they couldn’t betray me if they even tried.
“I know we've kissed before but it felt different,” Avery said. “We were alone and she was looking at me different. I didn't know what to do when she leaned in and I realized it was going to happen. After, I was afraid you would think it meant more but it
didn't. It was like she just needed something in that second and I could give it. Does that sound crazy?” She asked.
“Not to me it doesn’t,” I reminded. “You were both in these places,” I said, swaying with her. I rest my head on her skin and held her better. “Things build,” I said. “You were stressed out about Christmas and Nat was sad about Vivi and me and life. I’m not saying that’s why it happened but I am saying I can’t discredit the states you were both in. To me it’s a small beautiful thing. And of course I’m sad that I wasn’t a part of it but it was a small beautiful thing. Adding on to your big beautiful romantic friendship,” I beamed.
After the wedding we’d had a few questionable encounters, the three of us. I wouldn’t take anything back but I didn’t understand us and the need to wasn’t in me at all. Avery couldn’t take ambiguity, it nagged at her.
For me, it’s obviously different. I rarely understand why I do the odd things that I do. Like my sexual obsessions or my insistence on reading every single book my eyes spare a glance at. The way I feel about my parents, the way I feel when I'm alone half the time when Avery isn't around. All of these things are just reality to me, I just accept them. I can’t pick them apart or I’ll go mad.
“You're better at recognizing things like this than I am,” Avery mused. “I wish I could see inside your head sometimes,” she said.
“It's a dumb place,” I said. “People never understand why I think the way I think or why I do things the way I do. Even in class I get in verbal brawls with people because of things they assume that I’m thinking. Especially my professors. It’s insane. I can't help implications. And common things, that other people think, never seem to cross my mind in similar situations. It's really not fun,” I laughed darkly.
“You come at life from an unconventional view. I love that. It's beautiful. It's also sad when people don't appreciate it or try to see you. I know it's not fun. Sometimes we butt heads because we see things differently and I know that's normal. You've made me think about so many things I never would have considered. I guess it feels like a bad thing sometimes but it's one of your strengths,” she explained.
“Should I be upset about Natalie,” I wondered. This was the third time she'd asked me about that kiss, about what it meant, about what I thought it meant. Was I missing something?
It was Christmas. They hadn't seen each other in over a month. Avery was drunk and overly stressed and her body reacted to that. Right? It was simple and sweet. They’d been flirting and wrestling. These were my two best friends.
I didn't see it but… I assume it didn't turn into a makeout session or anything. Even then though, would I even be mad?
It was Natalie. My Natalie.
Natalie who would throw herself on a bomb if it would save my life. How could I even be mad about something sweet and small like a kiss between two people that just made them feel good? These were two people I was fully secure about when it came down to their love for me.
It'd be one thing if they were sneaking off to rendezvous somewhere, have sex and not tell me. That'd be different. And this wasn't that.
“No, not at all. I'm just thinking about it from how I would have reacted if it was reversed even knowing what I know. I get jealous if I'm not the only one you're remotely into touching,” Avery explained.
She stopped our movement.
“Not in a super bad way though,” she added.
“You can always just fight with me,” I said. “Show me why I should only ever want you. You know I'd like that.”
I kissed up the side of her neck slowly, nipping at her skin with my teeth.
When it became too delicious I let my tongue scrape over her pulse point as I tasted her.
The truth of the matter was, I really adored when she got possessive with me. All those romance novels probably. It was heteronormative behavior pounded into me since birth. The possessive one was insecure and wanted me.
People might think such a thing couldn't carry over into a gay relationship but it obviously could. Drawing arbitrary lines in the sand could never be effective.
“I don't want you to feel like I'm overbearing. I don't have a right to restrict you, even if you're mine,” she whispered, closing her eyes.
“Mmm… You’re the most overbearing,” I teased.
“Right! How I get mad if you look at other women at all,” she chuckled.
“Mmhmm, yeah, you’re kind of the worst,” I lied. I hadn’t the heart to tell her again that she was perfect. It rubbed her the wrong way, no matter how true. “Why haven’t you put your suit on,” I asked. I nipped at her lips playfully.
We could be watching bad tv together in bed, all snuggled. We didn’t have to be dramatic or serious.
Sometimes I really wondered what Avery wanted from me.
“Because you're kissing me,” she said.
“Always my fault,” I noted. I made out with her neck, taking my time before pulling away. “Just tasting you like this gets me wet, it’s not fair,” I whispered.
“Let's go,” she said, picking me up and carrying me back into the room.
I laughed, since she surprised me. She took us both past the door and set me down on the bed while she walked around to grab her suit from her bag near the tv.
I laid back, tilting my chin up so I could look at her upside down. I watched her dress drop and her wet clothes getting peeled off.
I breathed deep and bit my bottom lip, rolling over onto my side.
“Are you watching me?” She asked.
“Definitely,” I nodded. “I already told you, you’re my Christmas present.”
“That's not all you're getting though,” she said.
She stood there and let me watch as she finished taking off her underwear and turned around, putting her hands on her hips so I could get a full view.
“It’s all I want,” I swallowed.
Chapter 17
Avery
The hot tub was perfect on a night like this. The temperature was cool enough to make me want to stay in forever and I had Olivia right where I wanted her. We managed to make out for who knows how long. It was our ultimate way to connect. We had a record of four hours.
It was so easy to lose time with her. That was what I missed. We didn’t have many long weekends with my schedule. Neither of us had a lot of time during the week either. It was my own doing. Swim was a big commitment and keeping up with school was hard. It was Stanford. There were a lot of expectations.
“Hot tub make-outs are some of my favorite,” I said.
Olivia was straddling my lap, facing me as I sat with my back against the side of the tub. The water bubbled around our bodies and steam rose into the night. The hot tub had lights in the bottom that were tinted to provide a softer light. I almost wished I could take a photo of us from outside. This was our little world.
“And what’s your favorite?” She wondered, still kissing my face until she settled instead on my neck to give me a break. Her body always seemed to push into mine rhythmically, working the silence and the space, finding a rhythm and keeping it, always climbing up some invisible ladder to some place I couldn’t see.
“Me attacking you after I get home and basically using the entire living room. What’s yours?” I asked.
I was always curious about what she liked the most. I wanted to give her everything she wanted.
“Variety,” she huffed. “This for one… And that,” she said, grinding ontop of me a little so I would feel her body on mine, her sex on my sex. “Favorite ever is hard to say. Maybe before the wedding? Maybe that one time when I actually let go and let you see me. I like it all,” she whined, both pleased and tortured by our halfway state of building our love.
“I like it all too but before the wedding… you’re right,” I said, remembering that.
Her movements made me more than excited and trying to speak whole sentences was useless unless she slowed down.
I jerked my head around when I heard the sound of some
one moving in the grass. Everything in my body was at attention and I was gripping Olivia’s arms, probably too hard. I’d let my guard down. It was easy to do here with Olivia. I’d totally forgotten that Nat and Layla were here.
They walked across the pool area from the direction of the tree house.
“Hey, you finally emerging?” I teased.
I still couldn’t believe that Layla was actually here and probably having sex with my friend.
“Oh shit,” Nat said, walking close and noticing us. We’d scared her I think. Her hand was in Layla’s and she’d been walking ahead. Olivia leaned in and hugged me, hiding her face in my neck. “I didn’t know you guys were down here.”