Christmasly Obedient: Small Town Holiday Romantic Comedy Romance

by Julia Kent

  Two baby raccoons scrambled up the frame of the golf cart, snuggling in next to Mama up high.

  “I HATE MAINE!” Jeremy bellowed as the humans all huddled in one group, the winning raccoons perched on their victory stage, a third sprinting up to join his little masked family.

  “I HATE BEING PISSED ON!” Miles replied.

  “Now we know he doesn't have that kink,” Jeremy said to Mike, who rightly tapped his knee with the end of the rake.

  “That's a new one,” Pete said, clearly trying to suppress a laugh. “Been here in Maine for decades and never have I been peed on by a combative animal while driving a golf cart.”

  “NOT FUNNY, DAD!” Miles shouted.

  But it was.

  By the time Lydia appeared, hair in a long braid that peeked out from under her thick hat, the entire crew minus Miles was bent over in laughter, wiping tear-filled eyes.

  Miles was an immobile statute of nothing but rage.

  Lydia approached him, sniffed once, and said, “Geez, Miles. How long has it been since you last showered?”

  And... they all lost it again, verbal skills gone with gut-wrenching giggles that turned them all into twelve year olds. Krysta leaned on Caleb, hand on his shoulder, his palm on her waist, the two unable to speak from raucous shared amusement. He stood taller, her hand going with him, and suddenly, they were face to face, mouths inches from each other.

  Lydia gasped.

  No one else heard it in the fracas, but he saw what she saw, and grinned.

  Good old Caleb, finally making his move on Krysta.

  All it took was a pissed off mama raccoon to piss on Lydia's other brother to get the guy to finally try.

  “Um,” Krysta said softly, not moving.

  “Oh. Uh. Sorry,” Caleb said quickly, stepping back, their embrace abruptly ended by his cowardice.

  Lydia's face fell.

  Krysta's face remained frozen.

  And Caleb's face? It burned bright red.

  “IF YOU ARE ALL DONE MOCKING ME,” Miles shouted, “I'll take my leave.” Moving stiffly, he lurched toward his cabin, looking more like Frankenstein than ever. A tall guy like Jeremy, he couldn't help it. Raccoon piss on his head, shirt, and knees didn't help. “Someone needs to hose that off and get the golf cart back to my place.”

  “Why should we?” Caleb challenged, seemingly relieved to have something to talk about.

  “Because. There. Is. Raccoon. Pee. In. My. Ear,” Mile declared, turning away with a haughty pretension that made Pete guffaw.

  “Any in your mouth? What's it taste like?” Mike called out.

  “Your death.”

  And with that, the poor guy left, Caleb moving into the nearest shed, coming out with a steaming bucket of hot water and tossing it unceremoniously at the family of raccoons, which rushed off the roof in time to avoid being raccoon-cicles.

  “Better not be any in his mouth,” Caleb called out. “When he got possum pee in his mouth and we couldn't catch the sucker, poor Miles had the rabies shots in his stomach. Last thing you want is that.”

  “He's been peed on by more than one wild animal here?” Jeremy asked, agog.

  No one replied.

  Krysta and Lydia glared at Caleb but headed back in the direction of their cabin, chattering away.

  Pete looked at the dripping wet golf cart, small icicles already forming.

  “Some of those are yellow,” he announced, inspiring careful inspection from Adam.

  “Better get more hot water,” he shouted to Caleb, who gave him a thumbs-up, disappeared into the shed, and reappeared with more.

  And then it hit Jeremy. That wasn't hot water.

  It was just hotter than the ambient air.

  Three buckets later, Adam declared the urine gone, the cart now surrounded by a puddle that would be ice within the hour.

  “Hey. That was something,” Mike said to Caleb, lifting his face shield.

  “No kidding. Stupid raccoons.”

  “No. I meant you and Krysta.”

  Caleb looked like he was about to swallow his own glove. “Huh?”

  “You came close, didn't you?”

  “Close to what?”

  Every man standing there snorted in unison.

  “Close to kissing her.”

  “Who?”

  “The mama raccoon,” Jeremy snarked.

  “Krysta,” Adam, Mike, and Pete all said in unison.

  Caleb's eyes flew wide open, head reeling back, arms crossing over his chest in a gesture of defensiveness. “Krysta? Why would I kiss Krysta?”

  He looked like an eight-year-old boy just then.

  “Because it's obvious you've been carrying a torch for her for years, son,” Pete said gently.

  “Dad!”

  “Truth hurts,” Adam muttered.

  “I'm not – there's nothing between us.”

  “That's the problem,” Mike opined.

  “Huh?”

  Bzzzz.

  Racing to find his phone, Caleb looked relieved, the screen's glow turning his pink face a bit purple. “Grandma says our second cook and dishwasher both ate too many sugar-free gummy bears and had to call off sick tonight. I gotta get back to Boston.”

  “Sugar-free gummy bears?” Pete asked Adam, who shrugged.

  “Saved by GI distress,” Mike said dryly, grabbing Caleb's arm before he left. “You really need to make a move.”

  “You guys are all crazy. Krysta's just... Krysta. You know. Lydia's friend.”

  “Nothing wrong with dating your sister's best friend,” Pete called out as Caleb waved goodbye.

  “You're all inventing something that isn't there!” Caleb shouted as he retreated.

  “So are you, son,” Pete said sadly. “You're telling yourself one whopper of a lie.”

  “We're not the ones who need to hear it, Dad,” Adam told him as he walked over to the golf cart, climbed in, and started it up. “Caleb's too stubborn.”

  “Runs in the family,” Jeremy cracked, earning some major side-eye from the Charles family men.

  And with that, Adam left, Pete headed into the shed, and Jeremy and Mike trekked back to their cabin.

  Where at least there was coffee.

  And no trash pandas randomly attacking people.

  6

  Lydia

  Krysta knew.

  How Krysta knew was a mystery, Lydia's mind blown by the idea that somehow her bestie could just tell she was going through a pregnancy scare. How? How did she know? Was she part witch?

  “Your men valiantly fought the evil beast into submission,” Krysta said, dry wit making Lydia smile. “The mama used every tool at her disposal, including her bladder.”

  “What?”

  As Krysta recounted the story, Lydia couldn't help but notice she was flushed, a little more nervous than usual. Always a fast talker, her best friend was more animated than usual, which made the corner of Lydia's mouth turn up in a sly smile.

  Caleb and Krysta looked pretty comfortable in each other's arms back there.

  Could they finally – finally! – be making some progress?

  “ – and then the raccoon peed all over the roof of the golf cart, and it poured down like one of the those kiddie splash pad things, you know? The mushroom with the waterfall around it, only this time, the water was yellow and the edge was the roof, where it poured into poor Miles' lap.”

  “And I came along and just thought Miles smelled kind of rank,” Lydia gasped with amusement, holding her belly as she giggled.

  Krysta's eyes darted to where her palm was flat against her navel. “Umm hmm. Right.”

  See? Krysta knew.

  “Then again,” Lydia mused, “my assumption wasn't all that wrong. Miles often does smell rank. The guy can go days without talking to anyone. Just rides around the campground, fixing things and hiding from the world.”

  “He's always been that way.”

  “Yeah. Pretty sure Mom and Dad never have to worry about Miles leaving
. Can't imagine him finding a girlfriend or a wife, either.”

  “Maybe he wants a boyfriend or a husband.”

  “Miles is as likely to marry a bear as he is either of those.”

  “Is that his kink?”

  “Hah hah. Can we stop talking about that brother? I want to talk about my other one.”

  “Adam?”

  “No.”

  “Dan?”

  “No.”

  No way would either of them mention Luke, Lydia's late brother. Krysta was too empathic and sensitive to do that, and Lydia wasn't about to conjure the dead.

  “Before you turn this into a Caleb-and-Krysta mess, how about we talk about your mess, Lydia?”

  “My what?”

  Krysta's gaze went to her belly again. “Are you pregnant?”

  Talk about blunt.

  “That's really direct of you!”

  “That's not a no.” Excitement stirred in Krysta's entire body, her emotional state pouring into her limbs, her eyes, the way her cheeks crinkled up as she grinned. “Oh my GOD! You are!”

  “I - ”

  “A BABY?” Krysta shouted. “I'm going to be an auntie again!”

  The auntie comment did it, turning Lydia from a bundle of secrecy into a puddle of tears. How could her bestie do this to her so quickly?

  The bridge of her nose tingled as salty tears collected in the back of her throat, her hand flying to her belly the way it had since yesterday, when the condom broke. “I am not pregnant.”

  “But you could be.”

  “How do you read minds like that? Did Jeremy or Mike tell you? Or do you just look at me and see a pregnant aura or something, you witch?”

  “Jeremy and Mike shared a weird look when we were back there talking about the mama raccoon protecting her babies.” Krysta grabbed her arm, then hugged her, the lemon shampoo Krysta was trying out filling Lydia's nose. It replaced the crisp, cold pine scent that the woods always provided and gave Lydia's stomach a jolt.

  “Ah. That makes more sense.”

  “Are you guys trying?” The way Krysta asked the question nearly broke Lydia's heart because she knew the subtext of the inquiry:

  Why didn't you tell me?

  “No! Not even a little!” Lydia assured her, careful to caretake. “A condom broke.”

  “That actually happens?”

  “It's not an urban legend once it happens to you.”

  Big eyes met hers. “And after the hormonal birth control mess, you can't do anything about it.”

  “You mean Plan B?”

  “Right.”

  “No. Doctor said I'm at risk of stroke if I touch hormones.”

  “Oh, Lydia. What – I mean – chances are slim, right?”

  “It happened on day fourteen of my cycle.”

  Krysta looked like the kid from Home Alone, her shocked face almost comical.

  “So you really could be! Who – who's the potential father?”

  Lydia reddened. “Um, both.”

  Deep confusion took over Krysta's entire body. “Both? How is that possible? I mean, they don't, um, stuff both of their, you know, into the same condom and then – ”

  A mental image of what Krysta was describing invaded Lydia's brain, making her shake her hands in cootie outrage.

  “No! What? NO! Who would do... that?”

  Krysta shrugged. “How would I know? I've never slept with two guys at once. The mechanics of it are mystifying.”

  “Mystifying? If you're curious about how threesomes work, just go watch some porn,” Lydia said in full-on sarcasm mode. Nothing she, Jeremy, and Mike did together in bed bore any resemblance to the cheesy adult films Jeremy had an affinity for.

  She'd watched a few with him, and while they were certainly arousing, they were pure fantasy.

  As in, detached from reality.

  At that exact moment, a rustling of leaves behind them made Lydia and Krysta turn to find Caleb standing there, gape-mouthed and bright red.

  A warm flush of embarrassment spread like wildfire across Lydia's skin.

  “Uh,” he said, holding a hatchet, wearing snowshoes, a heavy bag of kindling in his other hand. “Jeremy said you could use some for the cabin, and I was walking past and – ”

  “Right. Sure.” Krysta cut her eyes to Lydia, the question clear:

  Had he heard that?

  “I'll leave it on your porch,” he said, walking past Krysta without even looking at her.

  Oh, yeah. He heard it.

  “Lydia!” Krysta hissed in horror. “Now he thinks I'm taking lessons from you on sex and threesomes!”

  “Maybe it'll finally force my stupid brother to see you as a sex object.”

  “Hey! I don't want to be objectified like that.”

  “Not objectified, but Krysta, come on. You two have been playing this weird flirty thing for too long. You need to just take a chance and – ”

  “I'm dating someone else,” Krysta confessed in a rush of words.

  Above them in the sky, the piercing sound of a hawk's cry punctuated Krysta's words.

  It was almost supernatural, and made Lydia shiver.

  Her witch theory was starting to really take hold.

  “You – what?”

  “His name is Zach. He's a software developer for a small GPS business that does something with aerospace companies. We have our fifth date on Tuesday.”

  “Date? You're dating him? He's not just a booty call?”

  “It's – no. It's not just that. He's super nice, and we're both really into mystery podcasts, and he likes to play D&D, and we went skiing once and – ”

  “You have slept with him. And you didn't tell me?”

  “No. No sex yet.”

  “Then what's wrong?”

  “Nothing's wrong. I just... He's patient.” Krysta looked at the path Caleb had made in the snow, deep into the woods. “And I'm waiting until I'm ready.”

  “You're deluding yourself. You won't be ready until you come clean with Caleb.”

  “Huh?”

  “Krysta. You are dating a nice guy. Four dates. No sex. And you can't peel your eyes off my brother for a single second while you're here. Don't tell me Caleb isn't the reason you haven't done the nasty with your new boy toy.”

  Nostrils flaring, Krysta's cheeks turned pink, anger rising in her. “Caleb has had years to make his move. He hasn't. He isn't interested in me!”

  “You haven't made your move, either! It's the twenty-first century. Women can initiate. What kind of feminist are you?”

  “A very insecure one!” Krysta burst into tears, making Lydia feel horrible.

  This was not how a weekend of hanging out together was supposed to start.

  “Oh, honey!” Lydia cried, grabbing her friend for a gooey, emotional hug. Both of them sobbing, they held onto each other, each crying for very different reasons, but what they had in common was precious:

  Love and support for each other.

  “This is so silly! I'm a grown woman. I should be able to ask Caleb out. But I turn into an adolescent girl when I'm around him!” Krysta sniffled.

  Lydia looked down at her navel. “And I can't believe the condom broke with Mike and I chased Jeremy down so he could have a chance at being the father, too!”

  Krysta froze comically, as if someone had cast a spell on her and turned her into an ice statute, the snowflake on the edge of her long lashes and all.

  “What? What did you just say?”

  Lydia's tears turned into hysterical laughter that floated so high into the air she was sure the hawk felt it in its bones.

  “Crazy, right? But... but... when the condom broke, and we realized I was fertile, Mike said to be fair, I had to give Jeremy a chance, too! And when I chased grumpy Jeremy down, he didn't want sex because I'd rejected him that morning, and then when I explained what happened he said it was all up to me. My body, my choice.”

  “Oh my God, Lydia, that's so sexy.”

  “I know, right? So I pu
lled him into the woodshed, and we screwed like bunnies in there.” She looked down at her midsection. “And now I might be pregnant.”

  “That's one heck of a moral quandary. The whole 'give each guy a fair shot at knocking you up after a birth control accident.'”

  “It's like a Dan Savage column written by Judd Apatow.”

  “But... are you okay? Now?”

  “No. I mean, yes...” She drew the word out, assuring her friend she was fine. “But no. Babies weren't part of the plan.”

  “I don't think they are much of the time, Lydia.”

  “We just – I mean – if I'm a mother,” she hissed, “then it'll change everything.”

  “That's the point of children. They do change everything.”

  “I know. But the way we live now – me, Mike, and Jeremy – we really like it.” Lydia rubbed her belly and smiled. “And yet...”

  “And yet, you'll be an amazing mother. And you'll have two fathers to help you.”

  “Can you imagine them as...as – as dads?” Stumbling to even say the words, she cracked into laughter again, Krysta joining her.

  “We're getting old, aren't we?” Krysta said, shaking her head.

  In the distance, a deer shot through the woods, the sound of more animals making their way through the snow-covered ground mingling with her thoughts and feelings, turning into a whirl of everything.

  “Look at us,” Lydia declared. “Getting old, for sure. You're dating some hot software developer in the city now. I'm settled with my guys up here. When did we get to this place? Tell me more about Zach.”

  And with that, they headed back to Lydia's cabin, wiping their eyes as hot chocolate beckoned.

  7

  Mike

  “Look at us,” Lydia declared. “Getting old, for sure. You're dating some hot software developer in the city now. I'm settled with my guys up here. When did we get to this place? Tell me more about Zach.”

  Mike was behind a thick, old oak as the words floated through the air, forcing him to peek around it, shocked to see Caleb two trees away, clearly hearing the same pieces of conversation. The women were walking toward them, so their words became clearer. Judging by their direction, they'd cross right in front of both men, but if they hid just right, Lydia and Krysta couldn't see them.