My Name Is River Blue

by Noah James Adams

  When Papa announced that he had to leave, I jumped for the opportunity to walk with him out the front door and into the warm summer night. It was ten o'clock, but the full moon gave plenty of light. We stopped at his truck, and I awkwardly waited for Papa to speak first while I pretended to clean a dirty spot on his truck with my shirttail. I had not been alone with him since he brought me home from the park, and I wasn't sure if things were okay between us.

  "River, I'm proud that you made your apologies," said Papa.

  I shrugged my shoulders and stared at my bare feet. A lightening bug glowed between Papa and me before easing away from us. When I lived in Minnows, Ricky and I caught a jarful of the bugs and hid them under his bed. We planned to use the jar as a nightlight, but since we had no holes in the jar lid, they were dead by the next day.

  "Look at me." Papa used his hand to raise my chin until he could see my eyes. "You become a better man when you know you were wrong and apologize because it's the right thing to do."

  I didn't say anything and Papa continued.

  "River, I can't pretend to know how many times you've been hurt, and what that was like for you, but don't let old hurts rule the rest of your life. I would really like to see you drop your guard a little and show more of the good kid that I know you are. If people see the good in you, you're going to make some great friends and change your life for the better."

  I heard everything that Papa said, but I was tired of lectures. "Are you still meeting me at the park in the morning?"

  Papa sighed. "Yes, River. I'm meeting you there just like I promised you, and you're bringing Ant, just like you promised him."

  I audibly groaned and fought to control my frustration over the idea of sharing my time with Papa. I had watched him chatting with Ant earlier that night. They got along well, and they were even laughing together. After disappointing Papa that day, I was paranoid, and I didn't want Papa to decide that Ant was less trouble than I was. "Why are you making me bring him? You're supposed to be my mentor, not his."

  "River, he's not replacing you, but he is a new kid here. It's a scary, lonely time for him. Including him and making him feel wanted is the right thing to do. He is also your roommate, and the two of you have to get along. You boys could be good friends if you would give it a chance."

  "I don't need him for a friend. It's bad enough that I'm losing my private room."

  "You have to get along with people, River. We talked about how important it is to becoming a good leader. You need to learn how to trust people and build relationships. You can't play a team sport by yourself, and unless you're a rare sort, you can't have a fulfilling life by yourself either."

  I couldn't stop my eyes from watering. "I thought it would just be you and me. It's because I messed up with Hal, isn't it?"

  "River, nothing's changed. I'll still have private time just for you, but tomorrow we include Ant. If I didn't care about you, we wouldn't be having this conversation. If you will just trust me, I promise that you'll see I'm doing the right thing for you, not just Ant."

  "Papa, I'm tired. I need to go in."

  Papa gave me a brief hug, and his eyes found mine again. "Trust me, River. See you at ten in the morning."

  ***

  When I returned to the family room, no one had moved, and the stench of Jenny's burned popcorn smelled even worse after I had been outside in the fresh air. There was an hour left before what we called "quiet thirty." At 11:30 PM during the summer, each boy had to be in his own room. If he wasn't sleeping, he had to be quiet, so as not to disturb the other residents.

  My group was on night showers that week, and I told Hal that I was taking my shower and going to bed early. I think he was testing me when he asked me to take Ant to shower with me and show him how we did things. I started to balk, but it was too soon to have Hal tell Papa that I disobeyed him. Hal would say that helping Ant was one of the extra chores I had to do. I said nothing, but I sighed, probably too loudly. Hal acted as if he didn't hear me.

  I nodded my head for Ant to follow me, and he climbed the stairs after me. I told him that I would explain anything he needed to know as we went.

  I stopped in the upstairs hall, opened the linen closet, and pulled out two bath towels, tossing one to Ant as we entered our room. I shed my clothes and dumped them in the wicker hamper near the door. I wrapped my towel around me, and waited for Ant to copy me as I explained the routine to him.

  "Every week, there will be four guys who take morning showers, and four who take night showers. It's so the hot water doesn't run out. It rotates each week, and this week, the two rooms on this side of the hall are on night showers. You grab a towel out of the closet, and then you put your dirty clothes in the hamper like we just did for Jenny or Mrs. Asner to pick up. Mrs. Asner is the lady who helps Jenny with the cooking and cleaning.'

  "After you dump your dirty clothes, you can wear your towel to the bathroom. It don't matter cause it's only guys up here, and if Jenny or Mrs. Asner are coming upstairs, they hit a buzzer down there that sounds off up here to warn us that a woman is coming up. After showers, most of the guys just wear their tee shirts and boxers until they go to bed. Once a day after lunch, you pick up your clean clothes from the laundry room table. Come on."

  Ant followed me across the hall into the bathroom where I pointed out the obvious. Near the entrance, there were four sinks set in a counter with one long mirror above it. There were four urinals on the same wall as the sinks, and the opposite wall had four toilets. There was a separate shower room with four showerheads mounted in a line on one wall, and across from that wall, there was a long bench and a small stand with washcloths. I glanced at Ant to see if he was keeping up with the tour and noticed him frowning at the toilets, which had dividing walls but no doors. I knew he was probably hoping for some privacy after having none in Stockwell.

  I gave him my opinion. "I guess they're scared we'll smoke dope or something if they put doors on the stalls. We don't have locks on our bedroom doors either. We can close them, but Hal or Jenny can walk in any time they want. Jenny always knocks and calls out, so if you're naked, just ask her to give you a minute and she will."

  In the shower room, I cut on two showerheads for us, and pointed out the soap and shampoo dispensers on the wall. I kept talking as we began our showers.

  "We're supposed to keep our showers short, but Hal won't say anything about that. His big thing is that we all take a good shower every day, and that means scrubbing with a washcloth and soap. And remember to wash your hands good with soap before every meal. Hal says those are state rules to help keep infections from spreading, and he gets crazy about us washing."

  "Yo, that's different from Stockwell. The COs didn't care if we got sick."

  "Some of the rules here can be a pain, but it's a lot better than Stockwell. Most of the guys here aren't bad, but John has them dealing weed. If he approaches you, tell him that you feel the same way I do, and he'll get the message."

  "Yo, good deal. I ain't looking to lose my parole."

  I shampooed my hair and closed my eyes as I leaned back to rinse. When I opened them, I thought that Ant was staring at the birthmark on my chest. I wasn't self-conscious about it, but it was always irritating for someone to tell me that the mark was shaped like the state of Florida as if no one had ever mentioned it to me. I didn't give Ant time to say it.

  "Stop staring. I don't need you telling me that my birthmark looks like Florida."

  Ant snapped his eyes to mine. "Sorry, it ain't your birthmark. I ain't never seen a guy our age with a body like yours. How did you get muscles and definition like that?"

  "I work out every day," I answered. "I've had an exercise routine since I was seven, and the older I get, the more intense I make it. At first, it was running, crunches, and pushups, and then I added weight training. When I was living at one of my foster families, their son got me started, and then Gabby at Stockwell showed me how to get serious results. Now Papa and Coach Riddle are helping me.
"

  Ant was obviously envious. "Yo, I wish I could look like you."

  I studied Ant for a moment. His skin was no darker than mine was, and I would have never told him, but I thought his looks could attract some girls when school started. He reminded me of a young Will Smith but with smaller ears. Although he was shorter and lighter than I was, he was still slightly above average height for his age. He had a naturally lean, athletic body, and I saw the potential for him to add muscle. With the right training, I thought he could be a good athlete, and I told him so.

  "There ain't nothing wrong with you. Gabby said I started growing up earlier than most boys do, so when you hit that growth spurt like I did, you'll have more muscles to train."

  "Thanks, I hope so," said Ant. "Hey, I saw the weights they got downstairs. Could you show me what you do? Maybe I could work out with you some."

  It hit me that I was talking to the new boy more than I meant to do. I didn't want him to think that it was okay for him to follow me around, especially when I was going to meet Papa.

  "I work out alone except when Papa or the coach is showing me something."

  "Yo, okay. I thought...never mind."

  I cut off the water to my showerhead and pulled my towel off the hook. As I dried my hair, I noticed the dejected look on Ant's face.

  "Listen, it's nothing personal, but I do my own thing. I like being alone. I'm just showing you around now cause I have to do extra chores for Hal for a month."

  Ant stopped his shower, grabbed his towel, and turned his back to me. We both finished drying and stepped up to the sinks where each boy in the house had a separate plastic holder containing a toothbrush with his name on it. Ant found his new toothbrush and followed my lead by using the pump dispensers of toothpaste and then mouthwash. When we were done, we walked back to our room, dumped our towels in the hamper, and pulled on fresh boxers. We had not spoken to each other since I informed Ant that I was not going to be his workout buddy.

  After doing my sit-ups and push-ups, I stretched out on my bed and leafed through one of Papa's football magazines. Ant sat quietly on the far side of his own bed and stared through the window at the night sky. I kept my eyes on the magazine as I spoke to my new roommate.

  "We need to get a few things straight about you sharing my room," I said.

  He didn’t bother to turn around. "Okay. Tell me about sharing your room."

  "You keep your stuff on your side and do your part to keep the room clean. I don't loan my stuff, so keep your hands off anything that belongs to me. You never invite anyone else in the room, and don't rat on me for anything. You got me?"

  "Yo, I got you." Ant turned off the lamp on his nightstand, leaving his side of the room in shadows. He slid under the top sheet of his bed and still faced away from me. Everything about his voice and body language told me that he wasn't happy to be my roommate.

  I had something else to say to Ant, and I knew if he told on me, Papa would be furious. "One more thing. Tomorrow morning, you're not gonna feel like going to the park with me. I don't care if you're say you're sick, or that you just ain't in the mood, but you're gonna tell Hal and Jenny that you don't feel like going. If Papa asks you about it, you're gonna tell him that I asked you to go, but you didn't want to. Understand?"

  "I understand," mumbled Ant.

  He had turned his head slightly in my direction, and I could see a wet streak running from his left eye down his cheek. I decided that he was too sensitive, and I wasn’t losing sleep over it.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Breakfast on Ant Jefferson's second day in Tolley House was noisy with most of the boys talking loudly as they sucked down eggs, bacon, and French toast at the long dining room table. At the time, Ant and I were the only boys who had come from Stockwell. Since I seldom answered any of their questions about the juvie prison, the boys posed the same questions to Ant, who told them more than I did but not by much. Just as we were finishing the meal, Ant announced that he wasn't feeling well and would be staying home.

  As I did every morning, I waited in my room until the other boys left for the park so I could walk alone. While I sat on my bed and tied my shoes, I glanced at Ant, who was curled up on his bed as if he were cold. We hadn't spoken a word to each other that morning, and I wondered if he planned to stare out the window all day. I was sure that he wished he had a different roommate.

  Ant and I both jumped at the sound of the buzzer signaling that Jenny or Mrs. Asner was coming upstairs earlier than usual. I didn't have long to wonder why before I saw Jenny standing at our open door. Without her normally cheerful face, she studied Ant and me as she fidgeted with the belt of her robe. I wondered if Ant had ratted on me.

  "Ant, are you sure you don't want to go to the park today?" Jenny asked. "It's really nice outside, much cooler than yesterday, and I could even drive you guys there if you don't feel up to walking."

  Ant sat up and turned around to face Jenny. "Thank you, ma'am, but I don't feel like going today."

  Jenny looked at me and then studied my roommate. "Ant, I want you to know that you can always talk to me. Don't ever be afraid to say what's on your mind, because if any of us have done anything to upset you, I want to fix it. So far, has everyone been nice to you?"

  I knew what Jenny was really asking Ant, and even though she was right, it pissed me off. "Why don't you just ask him if I did something to him?"

  "Okay, River. I will." She stared defiantly at me. "Ant, you never have to feel afraid because I will have a boy removed from this house before I tolerate a bully for even one day. Did River do or say something that is causing you to stay home?"

  Ant met Jenny's eyes, and was very convincing. "River helped me with the shower routine like Mr. Hal told him, and he hasn't done anything wrong to me." Ant paused a moment before adding, "I think we can even be good friends one day, if we just try."

  I was surprised, and I could see that Jenny was even more surprised. I wasn't sure that she bought Ant's bull, but all she could do was accept his word.

  Enjoying the moment, I stared at her, probably a bit too smugly. She gave me a look that could have wilted an oak tree. A look that begged me to make a smart remark to her. When I didn't, she continued.

  "Okay, boys, I hope that you two really are trying to become friends because both of you need one. River, I'm sorry that I was suspicious, but I'm sure you understand why I could have thought as I did."

  "No problem," I said. "I'm used to being blamed for stuff."

  Jenny sounded as if she were speaking to a toddler. "Poor, River. It must get so heavy."

  I still can't believe I was stupid enough to ask. "What do you mean? What's heavy?"

  "The two hundred pound chip on your shoulder." Jenny turned and walked out of the room.

  Jenny burned me badly. My face flushed hot. Even my ears burned. I could have sworn I saw Ant smirk briefly before he coughed in his hand. I would have to watch myself with Jenny. She was much smarter than her husband was, and in that moment of clarity, I understood that Jenny often knew when one of us boys lied. She knew that I was the reason Ant was staying home, and she knew he was covering for me. I would be a fool to believe otherwise.

  Since I was a jerk, I couldn't simply thank Ant for not ratting on me. I stepped closer to his bed and spoke softly in case Jenny was still upstairs. "What was that about? That stuff you told Jenny. I don't need you defending me, and it ain't scoring you any points."

  Ant's face showed his disgust with me. "Yo, I see. You're a tough guy, and you don't need nothing from nobody. Now that I'm impressed, go to the park and take that shitty attitude with you."

  I stared at him, hardly believing his nerve. He had to know that he would look like roadkill after a fight with me. "You need to watch your mouth."

  Ant abruptly stood, his chest almost touching me. "Or what? I was afraid of you, but last night I decided that I ain't living here scared, and I ain't taking orders from another kid. I ain't a snitch, but I ain't gonna lie for some dude, s
o he can make me his punching bag. After your meltdown yesterday, we both know yo bad ass is one swing away from Stockwell."

  Ant's boldness surprised me, and I had nothing smart to say. "Just stay out of my business, and we won't have a problem."

  Ant wasn't finished. "Yo, we got plenty of problems. Like with all the rednecks, racists, and assholes in this town that think we don't deserve to breathe the same air as them. The ones that say we'll never amount to nothing. You and me are on the same side and fighting each other is the stupidest thing we can be doing."

  Ant and I said no more, but we stared at each other, neither of us so much as blinking for at least fifteen seconds. I saw it in his eyes that Ant was real and honest, and facing him in my room at Tolley House was just like shadowboxing in the ring at Stockwell. If I wanted, I could put down my gloves because there was no one there to fight. He was just a boy who dreamed of a better life. A boy just like me.

  I broke eye contact and walked towards the door, stopping short of leaving the room. With my back to Ant, I gave him what I'm sure sounded like another order. "Put on your socks and running shoes, and be on the porch in five minutes. We'll have to hurry to meet Papa on time."

  Ant didn't say anything. He just watched me walk out of our room. He told me later that it took a few seconds for him to believe that he had heard me correctly, and then he had to scramble to get downstairs before I left.

  ***

  In Harper Park, Papa initially had both of us practicing the positions of quarterback and receiver, but it rapidly became obvious to each of us that I was the better passer and Ant was the better receiver. After lunch, Ant focused strictly on catching the balls I threw to him while he ran the various pass patterns Papa taught him. Ant and I mastered each play Papa called, and our mentor soon sounded excited about our athleticism and our timing that made it appear as if we had practiced together for weeks.

  Our training session was interrupted when Papa's cell phone rang with a problem from one of his Long's Fitness Center employees. Ant and I took a break on the bleachers. It was a good time to rest because we had been pouring sweat and needed to rehydrate. We found a section of bleachers under the shade of an oak and picked that spot to sit and drink water from Papa's cooler.