The Return of the Charlie Monsters

by John R. Erickson

  “I didn’t blow out your eardrum, but if it will make you feel better, I’m sorry if I screeched.”

  His face bloomed into a smile. “No fooling? You’re not just saying that?”

  “I thought you couldn’t hear.”

  His eyes darted around. “It’s better now.”

  “Oh brother. Are we finished with this?”

  “Yeah, but I still don’t know how to ‘stand down.’”

  “All right, let me explain, and please pay attention.” There was a long moment of silence. “On second thought, we’ve run out of time for questions. Let’s skip it and move along with our business.”

  “Oh goodie! We’re going to chase the cat?”

  “Not so fast. Our mission has changed. Watch this.”

  Don’t leave. You’ll want to hear this next part. Hee hee!

  Chapter Three: The Invisible Trick

  Okay, here’s what I did. I turned a big smile toward the cat. “Hey Pete, chasing turkeys this morning? How’s that working out for you, huh? Gosh, it’s hard to chase turkeys when they don’t run.”

  Boy, you talk about a killer look! Pete’s glare was as cold as ice. I gave Drover a wink and a grin. He seemed a little confused at first, then a light came on deep inside the coal mine of his eyes. “Oh, I get it now. Hee hee. We’re going to tease the cat?”

  “That’s correct. Running cats up a tree is good, wholesome entertainment, but taunting them is even better.”

  “Yeah, and I’ve heard about taunted houses.”

  “Absolutely.” A silence fell over us. “What did you say?”

  “When?”

  “Just now. Something about…honking houses?”

  “Oh yeah. Well, let me think here.” He furrowed his brow and chewed on his lip. “They’re full of ghosts.”

  “No, that’s incorrect. Haunted houses are full of ghosts. Honking houses are full of geese.”

  “How come?”

  “Because geese honk. Ghosts moan. They don’t honk.”

  “I wonder why.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Yeah, but how do all those geese get into the house?”

  “If you leave the windows open, geese will fly inside. Once there, they begin honking. Is that clear?”

  “Yeah, that helps.”

  “Good. Quit crossing your eyes.”

  The cat was coming toward us, so we had to bring this nonsense to an end. I had no idea how we had gotten onto the subject of geese and ghosts. It’s the sort of thing that happens when I try to carry on a conversation with Drover. Sometimes I wonder…

  Never mind.

  Okay, let’s get organized. Pete had been out in the pasture trying to chase turkeys, remember? But he was too fat and slow to catch one, and had succeeded in making himself look ridiculous. And I was loving it.

  Here he came, wearing a sour expression and sliding along like the snake he truly was. He greeted me in his usual whiney, annoying tone of voice. “Well, well, it’s Hankie the Wonder Dog, and his comical sidekick. What brings you out into the world at such an early hour of the day?”

  “The hour might be early to a cat, but we’ve already put in half a day’s work. We’re here to investigate a disturbance.”

  “Oh really. How exciting. Anyone I might know?”

  “Yes, as a matter of fact, and let’s go straight to the business. Point One, you’re bothering Sally May’s turkeys. Knock it off. If it happens again, you’ll have to deal with the Security Division.”

  His eyes grew wide. “My goodness! And I guess that means…what? You’ll run me up a tree or something?”

  “Exactly. Not only will we run you up a tree, but we’ll stand at the base of the tree and bark at you for hours and hours.”

  “Mercy! We don’t need that, do we?”

  “I thought you’d see it that way.”

  I shot a wink at Drover. He giggled and whispered, “Boy, you got him on that one. Good shot.”

  “Thanks, pal. I love this job.”

  Back to the kitty. He was gazing up at the sky and said, “Let’s see, that was Point One. Was there a Point Two?”

  “Yes, and I’m glad you asked. Point Two is that you’re too fat and lazy to be chasing turkeys. I can’t think of a nicer way of saying it.” I moved closer and glared into his scheming little eyes. “You looked pathetic, Pete. You got skunked by a bunch of dumb birds. You’re an embarrassment to the whole ranch.”

  “That bad, huh?”

  “That bad. Go back to your iris patch and leave the turkey-chasing to those who know how to do it.”

  He rolled over on his back and began slapping at his tail. “And who might that be, Hankie?”

  “The pros, Kitty, coyotes and bobcats. They’re in top shape, and they know how to do it. You’re not in their league.”

  “And how about…you?”

  “Huh? Me? Well, I…” His question caught me off guard. “I’ve chased a few turkeys in my time, but that was long ago. I’ve chosen not to do it any more.”

  “How noble! Or, could it be,” he fluttered his eyelids, “that you’ve gotten old, fat, and out of shape? That happens, Hankie.”

  “Yeah? It happens to cats, but not to…will you excuse us a moment? Drover and I need to have a word.” I motioned to Drover and we moved a few steps away where we could speak in privacy. “What’s this cat up to?”

  “You don’t reckon he’s trying to pull a trick, do you?”

  “Of course he is, but the question is, which way is he tricking? See, cats never do the obvious. They feint one way and go the other.”

  Drover studied the cat. “Well, he hasn’t fainted yet, so maybe there’s no trick this time.”

  “Drover, there’s always a trick up a cat’s sleeve.”

  “Yeah, but he doesn’t have any sleeves.”

  “That’s the whole point. This could be the old Invisible Trick trick. I’ve seen it before.”

  “If it’s invisible, how can you see it?”

  “What?”

  “I said…what’ll we do now?”

  I threw a glance over to the cat. He was rolling around in the grass and playing with his tail. “Okay, listen up. Our response will come in two stages. In Stage One, we will play dumb.”

  “That rhymes. Stage One, play dumb.”

  “Never mind that it rhymes.”

  “That rhymes too.”

  “Drover, please concentrate. Repeat our orders for Stage One.”

  He wadded up his face and squinted one eye. “Let’s see. We honk?”

  The air hissed out of my lungs. “No, we don’t honk. We play dumb.”

  “Boy, that’ll be hard.”

  “I know, but we have to pull it off. In Stage One, we want Kitty to think we’re just a couple of dumb dogs.”

  “Got it. What about Stage Three?”

  I struggled to control my temper. “We don’t have a Stage Three.”

  “Oh, sorry. What about Stage Four?”

  “Stage Four will be complicated, so pay attention. We will expose his Invisible Trick. We’ll figure out what he doesn’t want us to do, then we won’t do the opposite. We’ll chop down the trees until we find the forest, and please don’t roll your eyes when I’m giving instructions.”

  “Sorry, but I’m confused.”

  “Here’s all you need to know.” I tapped myself on the head. “I’ve got it all right here. Just follow my lead. Any questions?”

  “How come we’re doing all this stuff?”

  I lifted my head to a proud angle and looked him straight in the eyes. “We’re doing it because he’s a cat and we’re dogs. It’s our doggie as dudes to keep the cats humble. You’re rolling your eyes again.”

  “I didn’t understand what you just said.”

  “It�
��s our duty as dogs to keep the cats humble. That’s what this life is all about.”

  “I’ll be derned.”

  “Are we ready? Break!”

  We broke the huddle and returned to Sally May’s rotten little cat, the same one who thought he was smart enough to trick the entire Security Division. Ha. Little did he know. This time, we had the little sneak exactly where he wanted us.

  I marched over to him. “Okay, Pete, the Ranch Council wants an explanation of that last remark you made.”

  “Oh really. Which one was that?”

  “Your suggestion that I might be too old or lazy to chase turkeys.”

  “Oh, that one!”

  “Did you say that in hopes of provoking me into chasing the turkeys? In other words, was this another of your slimy tricks? And don’t forget that you’re under oath.”

  “Well, just darn the luck. How can I lie, cheat, and steal if I’m under oath?”

  “You can’t.”

  “So…you’re saying that I have to tell the truth?”

  “That’s correct, and the Council is waiting to hear your answer.”

  He rolled over on his belly and began clawing the grass. “Well, Hankie, you’ve got me backed into a corner, and if I must tell the truth, here it is.” He widened his eyes and spoke in a creepy tone of voice. “Of course I was hoping to trick you into chasing the turkeys. What else would you expect a cat to do?”

  Drover and I exchanged glances. “The Council will take a two minute recess. Don’t leave, Kitty.” I jerked my head at Drover and we went back to Chambers for a conference.

  You’re probably aching to know what we said in Chambers. Sorry, but these conferences are highly classified and nobody gets into the room without going through Security. If you don’t flash the right badge, you don’t get in, period. Sorry.

  Oh, what the heck, maybe it wouldn’t hurt to let you in, but you have to promise not to blab this around, okay?

  Here we go.

  Chapter Four: I Fool the Cat, Hee Hee

  I brought the meeting to order, and Drover was the first to speak. “What do we do when a cat tells the truth?”

  I tried not to laugh. “Don’t you get it? He’s telling the truth to conceal the truth. It’s typical cat behavior. His greatest fear is that we might chase the turkeys and do it right.”

  “Who’s we?”

  I placed a paw on his shoulder. “That’s the best part of our plan. You see, his plot called for me to chase the turkeys. He never dreamed that we might switch agents and send you into combat. This will blow his trick to smithereens.”

  Drover’s eyes blanked out.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Well, this old leg’s been acting up.”

  “Exercise will do it a world of good.”

  “By dose is stobbed ub.”

  “Fresh air will fix that. Are you ready?”

  “Help!”

  He tried to run, but I blocked his path. “This is your big moment, soldier.” I pointed to the turkeys, who were still standing nearby and watching us. “There they are. Run through the middle of them. And remember: this isn’t about you or me. We’re doing it for dogs all over the world. What do you say?”

  My words seemed to have a magic effect on him. The little mutt puffed himself up to his full height. To be honest, he wasn’t all that tall, but he did his best and squeezed up every inch of height out of his backbone. And in a voice that shocked me with its tone of authority, he said, “So this is for dogs all over the world?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “It’s not just about me?”

  “No, no. This is bigger than both of us, son.”

  “I think I can do it!”

  I was so proud, tears sprang to my eyes. After years of being a weenie, my assistant had finally decided to become a hot dog. He leaped to his feet, I mean like a lion or a tiger, and turned a flaming gaze toward the circus of turkles…the circle of turkeys, let us say.

  Trying to hold back the flood of emotion, I yelled, “Go get ‘em, soldier! Show the cat what dogs are really made of!”

  And off he went like a…

  Huh?

  Oh brother! I take back everything I said about Drover. Mark out those lines in your book. No, better yet, cut them out with scissors and burn the pieces.

  Do you know what he did? He took off like a guided mistletoe and headed for the turkeys, then hooked a ninety-degree turn to the left and highballed it straight to the machine shed—while I was cheering him on to victory and wiping tears of joy out of my eyes!

  Oh, the treachery! It almost broke my heart.

  I was so shocked, I could hardly speak, but at last I was able to yell, “Drover, return to base at once, and that is a direct order!” He kept going, didn’t even look back. “Drover, you will be court-martialed for this! You will stand in the corner until your nose drops off, and then we will feed it to the buzzards!”

  He was gone, ZOOM, into the darkness of his Secret Sanctuary.

  I should have known. See, I’m too soft-hearted, too easy on the men. When you’ve got a jughead like Drover in the ranks, you have to stay on him all the time. You can’t let up for a second, because if you do, he’ll do just what he did.

  Well, getting sandbagged by Drover was bad enough, but I had to prepare myself for something even worse. This shameless act of treason had taken place RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY WORST ENEMY, exposing all the cracks and flaws in the upper ranks of the Security Division. Now he would think that we were an undisciplined mob of ninnies, and the very thought of what he might do with that information sent chills down my backbone.

  I couldn’t bring myself to look at the little pestilence, but I lifted my Earatory Scanners and began probing the air waves for the sounds of him laughing his head off. To my shock and amazement, I heard nothing. Slowly I turned my eyes in his direction, and here’s what I saw.

  He was sitting now, with his tail tucked around his back side and his front feet together. He was gazing off into the distance…and he wasn’t laughing. He wasn’t even smiling.

  Well, this defied the rules of logic and the laws of physics. There was something very fishy going on here, and I had to get to the bottom of the pond. Salvaging what was left of my dignity, I marched over to him.

  “Okay, Pete, out with it.”

  “What ever do you mean, Hankie?”

  “You ought to be enjoying this moment. You ought to be laughing, but you’re just sitting there like an…I don’t know, like a piece of furniture.”

  His gaze drifted around to me. “It has to do with the game, Hankie. It’s no fun when the game is too easy.” He heaved a heavy sigh. “I always win, and to be perfectly frank, it’s gotten boring.”

  My ears jumped. “Wait just a second, pal. I might have lost, but you didn’t win. We were on to your Invisible Trick and that’s why we switched from me to Drover as the turkey-chaser. That was MY idea. The only problem was that Drover chickened out.”

  He shrugged. “Hankie, you did exactly what I wanted you to do. I had it planned that way from the beginning. I won, and it’s so depressing, I’m going to give it up.”

  A deep silence throbbed between us. “Give up what?”

  “This endless game of dogs and cats, Hankie, the never-ending battle of tricks and counter-tricks.”

  I couldn’t believe what I’d just heard. “No kidding? You’re quitting?” He nodded and I burst out laughing. “Well, by George, it took a few years, but we’ve finally worn out the enemy! That’s not the sweetest kind of victory, but I guess we’ll take it. See you around, sucker.”

  “Pretty soon, I’ll wager.”

  Holy smokes, I had finally defeated the cat and won the National Championship! I marched away from the little fraud, and it was one of the finest moments of my entire career. Not only had I crushed the cat
, but in doing so, I had proven, once and for all, that discipline, endurance, persistence, and righteousness will win every…

  Wait a second. I stopped in my tracks. All at once, I heard two voices inside my head. One was yelling, “We’re number one! We’re number one!” The other was whispering, “No more game means…NO MORE GAME.”

  You will find this next part shocking. All of a sudden, my feet were, uh, taking me back, more or less in the general direction of the cat, and I found myself…well, standing beside him.

  “Pete? You got a minute? We need to talk.”

  He swiveled his head around and stared at me. “We just talked, Hankie.”

  “That’s what we need to talk about.”

  “We need to talk about what we talked about? Hmmm. This sounds mysterious.”

  “It’s not mysterious, you little…can we go straight to the bottom line?”

  He thought about that. “Yes, let’s do.”

  “You can’t quit the game.”

  “Oh really? Why is that, Hankie?”

  “Because…look, Pete, I don’t know how to say this except to say it. Quitting the game is just wrong, it’s unnatural.”

  “I know, Hankie, but it’s become so boring and predictable, I can’t go on with it.”

  “Okay, I’ve got an idea. Hear me out.” I began pacing a circle around the little…around the cat, let us say, and I must admit that my mind was in a swirl. “Pete, these little games are…this is hard for me to say…they’re probably more important to me than I’d like to admit.”

  “Oh really.”

  “Yes. In small but tiny ways, they seem to contribute to my…”

  “Your enjoyment of life?”

  “Right.”

  “Your sense of dogness?”

  “Perfect, yes, my sense of dogness. You nailed it. Okay, you’re bored with the game because you win all the time, right? Isn’t that what you said?”

  He nodded and licked his left front paw. “That’s what I said. Go on.”

  “Here’s an idea. We’ll start the game all over again—a new game, Pete, a fresh start—only this time, I’ll win.”

  His eyes lit up. “My, my, what an interesting idea! I wouldn’t have thought of that. It would freshen things up and bring some variety into the game, wouldn’t it?”