Teach Me New Tricks

by Parker, Ali

  “It isn’t all your fault,” I told him. “You’re doing all you can.”

  “I have to do better. Carlie is counting on me.”

  “Carlie is your late wife?” I asked gently.

  He nodded. “Yes. Before she died, she’d been the real parent. I went to his games and stuff and we had a decent relationship, but it was she who did the actual parenting. She did the school stuff and talked to him every day after school. She was the one he called when he needed something at school. She was the one he asked for permission to do things. I think he saw me as the Disneyland dad. I showed up on a weekend on occasion. He never really talked to me. I don’t think he ever really respected me. Then one day, I was it.”

  “He resents you,” I said.

  “Yes. I know in his heart he wishes it was me. Not because he wants me dead, but because he was closer to his mom and her loss was far greater than mine would be.”

  My heart broke for him and his son. Neither of them deserved to be in the spot they were in. I hated that people died. I knew it was a part of life, but damn if it wasn’t just bullshit. He looked so torn. He was a good man, and I knew he was a good father.

  “You’re doing all you can,” I said. “You’re doing more than most people would or could in your situation. This is not going to be an easy road for you. For him either. Both of you got dropped into this foreign world. Everything you knew has been changed. You have to learn all over again. The two of you have to learn how to navigate this new relationship. I wish I could tell you everything will be all right, but I have no real experience. All I know is you’re a solid guy and I can see the determination in your eyes.”

  He smiled. “I wish you could tell me everything was going to be all rainbows and butterflies. I have to say, some days I feel lost. I feel like I’m drifting at sea with no paddles for my little inflatable raft. On really bad days, I feel like my little dinghy is taking on water.”

  I wanted to hug him and make everything all better. “But look, here you are. You’re in good shape. You’re healthy. You’re smart. You have a good kid that appears to be healthy. You’ve got all the pieces for a great life. You just have to put them all together. I see what happened to you, the loss of your wife, as a whirlwind, coming in and shaking up the carefully sculpted life you had created. Now, you’ve got all these pieces that are out of order. You have to pick them up and put them back together.”

  He studied my face for a long time. I was already thinking about how I would apologize for sticking my big nose into his business. I had no experience in families or death or anything. I licked my lips, feeling very nervous.

  “Wow,” he finally said.

  I really felt like an ass. I had overstepped. I had made him speechless, and it wasn’t in a good way. “I’m sorry,” I gushed. “I shouldn’t have opened my big mouth. One psychology class does not make me an expert.”

  “No, no. You’re amazing.”

  “I am?” I squeaked.

  He nodded, getting to his feet. “You are.” He stepped close to me, his hands resting on my hips.

  “Not that I’m begging for compliments, but why do you say that?”

  “Because you very accurately said exactly what I’ve been feeling. This past year has been a mess. It’s just like you said. My life in general is still there, but it’s jumbled. It’s like nothing fits right. Nothing feels right. I think Olin is feeling the same way. We have our health and each other and all our things, but it’s all distorted. But you forgot one of the pieces.”

  “I did?”

  He slowly nodded. “You’re one of the pieces. I want to make you a part of our puzzle. I need to figure out how to make it all work.”

  “That’s very sweet, but I understand you have your hands full. Don’t stress yourself out trying to make me fit into your lives. You have to take care of you and your son. I get it.”

  He shook his head, his eyes still holding mine. “I will take care of us, but I’m not ready to throw this away. Not yet. Don’t quit on me yet.”

  My heart clenched. How could I walk away from a plea like that? “I’m here for you if you want to talk. I know you have some stuff to work through and some of that stuff is very personal and private, but I’m here if you need an ear to bend. Don’t feel like you need to rush through any of it. Take your time.”

  “Thank you. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you. You are truly a godsend.”

  He hugged me, holding me tight for several seconds. I held him tight, trying to absorb some of the stress the man was feeling. The guy had a lot on his plate, more than any person should ever have. I cared enough about him that I wanted to try and ease some of his angst. His journey was a long, hard one and I hated that he was carrying his burden all alone.

  I heard the clearing of a throat and looked up to see Dean Johnson standing in my open doorway. My eyes bulged at the same time my heart plummeted to my feet. Oh shit. I pushed Christopher away. He glanced over his shoulder to see the dean and looked back at me.

  “Thank you so much Professor Bell. I appreciate you taking the time to listen to me.”

  “Good luck,” I said doing my best to sound professional.

  Christopher left the office, nodding at the dean as he walked past him. Dean Johnson stepped inside, the look on his face made me cringe. He wasn’t happy. He was disappointed and irritated and a whole slew of other things that did not bode well for me.

  “Good morning Dean Johnson,” I said, trying to sound airy and totally cool.

  “Leila,” he said my name, his voice stern. “Got a minute?”

  “Actually, I was just on my way to class,” I lied. I was stalling. I needed to figure out a good cover story.

  He nodded. “I see. Then schedule some time to see me tomorrow morning. First thing.”

  “Is there something wrong?” I asked boldly.

  “Just be at my office.”

  He turned and walked away. I stared at the open door and felt everything falling apart. I wanted to kick myself. I knew a relationship with Christopher would come to this. There was no way to avoid it. Not only had the dean caught us, but he knew Christopher was a student. I should have been more careful. I had gotten caught up in the moment.

  Truthfully, I hadn’t expected a hug. If I would have suspected the conversation was going to lead to that, I would have shut the damn door.

  “Stupid, stupid, stupid,” I hissed under my breath.

  I gathered my things. I didn’t have a class, but I sure as hell didn’t want to hang around and wait for the dean to come back around. I didn’t need to add blatantly lying to my list of crimes. I felt like a woman walking down the halls of death row as I left the building where my office and that of numerous other professors was housed.

  That scarlet letter on my chest was burning bright as I walked across the grass and towards my classroom. It wasn’t a great place to hide, but at least I knew where the dean wasn’t. He was probably already back in his office drafting my termination papers. I wondered if I would get a severance.

  I quickly pushed the thought to the back of my mind. I couldn’t think like that. I had to try and stay positive. I closed the classroom door behind me and locked it. I wanted some peace. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to sulk in my own misery and chastise myself for making such a stupid mistake.

  I knew better. I knew better and yet I had given in to the moment. Whatever happened was my own fault. Christopher wasn’t to blame. He was having a moment of crisis and needed me. I didn’t necessarily regret being able to be there for him, but I sure wished like hell it would have been anywhere else but in my office.

  Chapter 42

  Christopher

  After my last class for the day, I headed to the coffee shop to grab myself a quick pick-me-up before heading home to do some homework. I liked having homework. I liked having something to do. Olin still wasn’t talking to me, which had kept me up most of the night. It had been a tense morning with him not talking to me but making s
ure I knew he was there with the constant slamming of doors and banging around.

  “Christopher,” I heard my name. Leila was waving to me from a bench, a coffee in her other hand.

  I grabbed my coffee and sat down on the bench beside her. “Hi,” I greeted.

  “He saw!” she blurted out.

  “What?”

  “The dean. He saw the hug.”

  I nodded. “I know.”

  “He saw me hugging you and now he wants to see me in his office!”

  I wanted to be sympathetic and I did understand her plight, but my emotions were already taxed. “Leila, it was a hug, not a handjob. We were fully clothed. I didn’t have my tongue down your throat or my hand down your pants.”

  Her mouth dropped open. “You know a hug is just as bad as those other things.”

  I scoffed. “No, it isn’t. People hug each other all the time. Hell, perfect strangers hug each other. It’s not a big deal.”

  “I can’t lose this job,” she moaned.

  “Look, I’m not telling you to lie to him, but you don’t have to tell him everything. Quite frankly, it’s none of his business what we do. I’m a grown man. You’re a grown woman. We did nothing wrong. It’s consensual. I’m not in your class. You can’t show me favoritism. If the guy has a problem with it, let me know. I’ll sign a stack of papers that say I won’t sue you, him, the school or anyone else. I will sign an affidavit stating there has and there will never be any kind of favoritism.”

  She stared at me. “It’s not that easy.”

  I was probably being too harsh. I didn’t mean to diminish her concerns, but in my opinion, they were over exaggerated. “Talk to him. Admit nothing. Be confident and he won’t be able to bully you into saying anything. Don’t let him make you feel like you’ve done anything wrong. You haven’t. I bet if you look up the bi-laws, you’ll find there is nothing against two adults that happen to be in our situation having a thing. I have a feeling this rule is the dean’s and not the school’s. He has his own idea about what is acceptable and what isn’t. That’s his problem.”

  “All right,” she said.

  “All right?”

  She nodded. “I’ll talk to him, but I won’t tell him anything. I’ll do some research and make sure I can’t lose my job too, just in case he has some kind of proof about what has been going on between us.”

  “How would he have proof?”

  “I don’t know. I’m freaking out a little. It’s what I do.”

  I smiled, wanting to kiss her but knowing that would only compound her nervousness. “Okay, you freak out for the next five minutes. After that, table it. You’re good. I’m not saying anything to anyone. You are an adult and you can choose who you see.”

  She bit her bottom lip. It was her nervous tick. “I’m sorry. The last thing you need is me freaking out on you.”

  “It’s fine,” I assured her. “I know this is a big thing for you. I don’t mean to diminish it, but I don’t like to see you worried. Stand up for yourself.”

  “I will. I have to get to class.”

  “All right. Call me later?”

  She nodded. “I will. Good luck with Olin.”

  “Thanks, lord knows I need it.”

  We both stood and parted ways without a kiss, a touch or anything else that could be construed as inappropriate. On the drive home, I couldn’t help but wonder if everything that was happening was some kind of sign. Maybe she and I weren’t meant to be together. She was risking her job and I was risking a relationship with my son. The cost to be together was high. I needed to figure out if it was worth it—for both of us.

  I headed for home, only to find myself stuck in one hell of a traffic snarl. It took twice as long for me to get home as usual, and my mood had soured by the time I pulled into the driveway. I was surprised to see Olin’s car. I had thought for sure he’d have some excuse to stay gone until it was time for curfew.

  I walked into the house and was immediately assaulted by the sounds of gunfire. I walked into the living room and found Olin sprawled on the couch, his PS4 controller in hand and a surly look on his face. I watched him play for a few seconds, blasting at anything that got in his way before I grabbed the remote and turned the sound down to a decent level.

  “Why’d you do that?” he growled.

  “It was a little loud.”

  “So?”

  I ignored the snarky comment and headed for the kitchen to grab some water. Olin followed me. I could tell he was spoiling for a fight. I told myself not to let him goad me. He was miserable and wanted to make me miserable.

  “Did you eat?” I asked.

  “No.”

  “I am,” I commented, opening the fridge looking for something quick to munch on.

  He scoffed. “You must have worked up an appetite. Out sleeping around with more women today?”

  I closed my eyes, counting to ten and begging for patience. “No.”

  I shut the refrigerator door and turned to face him. The sneer on his face was ugly. “Sure. Do you even go to school or is that just your cover to go out and bang more women?”

  “That’s enough,” I said forcefully. “You might be angry, but I am your father and you will treat me with respect.”

  “Why? You’re not acting very respectful.”

  “How so? Tell me exactly what it is I’ve done to make you so angry?”

  He rolled his eyes. “Did you forget I caught a woman in your bed?”

  I held up a finger. “No, you didn’t catch a woman in my bed. She was fully dressed and met you in the kitchen. Secondly, I’m an adult.”

  “And that gives you the right to bring home strange women? Please, let me know if that’s how we roll now because there’s a chick at school that is into me. If we are having sleepovers, I’ll invite her.”

  “She’s not a strange woman. It was one woman. One woman I happen to respect and like being around. You can be pissed at me, but I won’t let you be disrespectful to her. She’s done nothing to you.”

  He glowered at me. “I can’t believe you brought a woman home—to your bed.”

  “Olin, you are the one that told me I needed to start dating. I do it and now you’re mad at me for doing it?”

  He shook his head. “I didn’t think you’d bring them home! This is our house! This is where we live!”

  I nodded, keeping my cool. “You would prefer I didn’t bring her to the house?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t want to see it. I thought you would go out to dinner once in a while or talk on the phone. I didn’t expect to see a woman in the house after you two had spent the night together. It’s gross.”

  “You weren’t here,” I reminded him. “You weren’t supposed to be home until later.”

  “Oh, so you were going to sneak around with her?”

  I slowly shook my head. “No, I wasn’t sneaking around. I invited her over to spend the day. You texted and asked to stay over at a friend’s house and I asked her to stay here. No matter what you think you know, there is nothing sketchy or dirty about what Leila and I are doing. We’re both adults and we both enjoy spending time with one another.”

  “I don’t care.”

  “Obviously you do care.”

  “No, I don’t, but don’t think I will ever call another woman Mom. I’m not going to pretend we’re one happy family. We’re not. She won’t be my mother. I won’t let her come in here and try to fill that spot.”

  “I would never expect that,” I told him. “No one will ever take the place of your mother. I guarantee Leila doesn’t want to do that. I’m not looking for a woman to take on the mommy role. I would never do that. This thing with Leila, it isn’t serious. I only just started seeing her.”

  “She’s your girlfriend,” he pouted.

  “No, I don’t think she is.”

  “Oh, so you’re just banging her,” he sneered.

  “I didn’t say that either. I’m spending time with her and getting to know her better. I don�
�t know what I want. I don’t know if I’m really ready to move on. No matter what you might think of me, I loved your mother. I loved her with all my heart. She was the only woman I ever loved. I’ve grieved for her for over a year. I’ve never even looked at another woman until recently. I remind you again, you encouraged this.”

  “Whatever. Go ahead and pretend you’re some great husband and father. It’s all bullshit.”

  His words hurt. I knew he was lashing out, but it didn’t make it any easier. “I’m trying,” I whispered. “I want to be a great father. I’m trying. I will admit I wasn’t doing a great job before, but things have changed. You have to acknowledge that. We’ve got a chance to start over.”

  “I’m sixteen. I’m not a little kid. Bang whoever you want, but I don’t want to see it.”

  “I’m not banging anyone!” I said raising my voice. “I’m not like that. Leila isn’t like that.”

  He rolled his eyes. “Where did you meet her?”

  “School.”

  “You managed to find the one older woman on campus,” he said with disgust. “Way to go.”

  “She’s not an older woman. She’s a professor.”

  “Oh God, you’re banging your teacher.”

  “Stop saying that,” I said with true disgust. He was making something beautiful sound very dirty.

  “Whatever,” he said and walked out of the kitchen.

  I counted aloud, knowing what was coming next. “Three, two, one,” I whispered, flinching when I heard the door to his bedroom slam shut.

  I put back the water and grabbed a beer before heading out to the patio. I stretched out on a patio chair, staring out at the gray clouds resting low. It was dusk. The world looked very dark, literally and figuratively. I was so fucking tired. Tired of grief. Tired of stress. Tired of fighting with my kid. I was exhausted. I was fighting with my kid over a relationship I wasn’t even sure she wanted.

  I didn’t know what the hell was going on. I didn’t know if I even wanted to pursue something serious with Leila. I was putting a lot on the line for something that could be nothing more than a quick fling. I wanted stability. I knew that for sure.