I’m different now.
I’m starting to think I’m more embarrassed being around Tim and the others than I am being around Eric. For all the things he told me about himself, differences that supposedly set him apart from the general populace, I don’t see it. Maybe it’s because I’m becoming his kind of different. I don’t know. What I do know is that the way he is, I like it and its easier adapting to it than doing the same thing with my so called friends.
Take Charlotte for instance. After I left Eric, promising that I would text him at lunch, I ran into her before leaving. Instead of looking happy to see me, she’s vacant. Where other girls hug each other in the halls and genuinely seem to enjoy each other’s presence, that’s not the case at all with her.
She doesn’t ask me how I’ve been, what I’m even doing there. She just starts rattling on about herself and how she wishes I’d come back already because the so called retards have taken over the school in my absence.
It’s embarrassing being around her now. The easy way she refers to all the people we’ve picked on over the years as retards is just proof. I know how easy it is to do that because I’ve been the worst offender, taking the crown from Dillon ages before he took off and left us for Cadence, but hearing it from her just makes me wanna back away and pretend I don’t even know her.
Am I all of a sudden cured of being a total monster because I’ve been hanging out with Eric for the last two weeks? Of course not, but I am smarter than I was before and that’s a start. I’m starting to get why people don’t like the word, especially after seeing the list of names Eric gave me in his letter. It’s just mean and it’s another thing that I think it’s time I change.
I’m just not there yet. Standing up to Charlotte, telling her off about what she said should be easy, but it’s not. I’m still a work in progress. I used to be the leader which means anything I do say she’d probably just follow along with, but something stops me from speaking up.
If she can easily call people different then her these names, than what’s to stop her from saying the exact same thing about me if my secret ever got out? It’s half the reason I’ve kept things quiet for so long. Being on the receiving end of the shit I’ve been dishing out for years is not something I want, even if I am honest about wanting to change it.
So I just stay silent, completely embarrassed being around her as she drones on.
It should have been enough to take my great day and turn it to shit quickly, but it’s not. Eric agreeing to go out with me, even if we’re only doing it as friends, it’s too monumental to be ruined and definitely not by someone like her.
By the time I got home, there was another bit of news waiting for us. Mom as usual when she walks in the door goes right for the answering machine and this time where we weren’t expecting to hear anything from Daniels for a few days, we got the shock of our life with his voice booming through the little speaker.
I’ve been allowed back in. They want me to stay out for one more week, but what happened in the office earlier, it worked and as soon as my final week of exile is over, I’m going to be able to go back to school and finish my senior year the right way.
I’m going to be able to graduate.
Hearing the news, adding it to everything that’s already happened today, there’s only one person I want to share it with and even though I promised I’d text him at lunch, I’m going to break it because this news, it can’t wait.
Heading up to my room, stripping off my coat and changing from the sweet little dress my mom wanted me to wear for the meeting and back into my pajama bottoms and tank top, I grab my phone and make myself comfortable on the bed.
I’ve got news. Txt me when you get this.
Stretching out on the bed, laying my phone down beside the pillow, I lay back and think about everything that’s happened and what it all means. Really give myself the chance to process it all because up until now I’ve just been gliding from one thing to another without giving much thought to it.
Not expecting to hear from him for a while, cell phones not allowed to be used during school hours, it’s the perfect time to do it.
Tonight. This movie with him. I don’t want to look at like a date because the idea of him being with someone like me is so preposterous it’s laughable, but it’s impossible not to because despite my claim that he’s too good for me, that being with me is weird and wrong, I want it to be a date.
I want to go there tonight, no matter what movie we end up seeing and I want to hold his hand. If it’s a scary movie, I wanna curl into him at the scary parts even though nothing really scares me anymore, and I want to feel what I felt yesterday on the bench outside Thompson’s office.
Completely safe and comfortable. Normal. Perfect.
All of this, wanting the things that I do, it’s familiar yet not familiar at the same time. I had moments like this before I hooked up with Dillon, I think it’s like a natural body response to want these sorts of things with the amount of hormones running around inside us at any given moment, but with Eric everything is more pronounced.
I wanted to be with Dillon because it was better than being alone. When we were hanging out and doing things together it meant I didn’t have to focus on the very real horror story my life was. I could put my attention elsewhere. I want to say that I loved him, but I can’t. Not anymore.
Truth is, I don’t have the first clue what real love really is because it’s never been something that’s afforded to me. The only thing I can even compare to love is what happened with my dad and deep down, I know that isn’t it. What he did to me, still continues to do just by occupying my dreams and my mind the way he does, it’s not love. It’s not even nice.
Telling Dillon I loved him, admitting it to myself, it was just my way of keeping him close so he could keep the demons at bay. Planning attacks on kids, seeing them through together and then enjoying the laugh afterward, it was all a coping thing for me. He was right all along and he doesn’t even know it.
He’ll never know it.
I did become obsessed with him, flipping out and losing my mind whenever he so much as looked at other girls because I knew that all it would take was one look from the right girl and he’d leave me behind forever. I would wind up alone and the nightmares would take control again, the exact way they’ve been doing for the past few weeks now and I’d give into it the way I always do.
It’s not like that with Eric. I want the same things that I wanted with Dillon but not because I’m afraid of being alone. Eric isn’t just some means to an end so I can keep the nightmares at bay. The nightmares, the pain, they’ve been there even more since I started talking to him, so I know it’s not at all the same.
Our differences, secrets, things about ourselves that we’ve spent so long trying to rid ourselves of, or in my case bury down altogether, they’re not bad. He’s no more wrong or a stain on the world than I am. We’re two worn out pieces of a puzzle, the ones that go missing every time we get pulled out, forgotten and discarded by the world around us. We’re different, yet somehow perfectly the same. For each other.
I might have been with other guys in the past, at least as much as I would allow myself to be, but none of those guys ever knew the real me. Eric does and that’s why I want to look at this movie thing as a date. For the first time ever, I actually want to be with a boy for the right reasons.
I want to hold hands, be held, kiss and whatever else comes next. I want to experience love and I don’t want it to be with someone random, a person that likes me because of the persona I put out at school or the horrible things I do. I want it with one guy.
The one that’s my kind of different.
Eric.
Eric
I think I’m finally learning what it means to lose my mind.
No sooner do I get back to class than Ms. Taylor levels me with a look before telling me that we’ve got to talk after class. If that wasn’t enough to shatter my already frayed nerves, thinking about what’s go
ing to happen after school today does it.
Amelia wants to go to the movies with me. Not only does she want to sit with me in a darkened theatre with a bunch of random people around me, but she wants to get something to eat before it in the mall food court.
She wants to be seen with me in public.
I’ve never done anything like this. It’s one thing to go to the movies with Belle and my parents, I’m comfortable with them and they know everything about me and can intervene should something happen that I can’t control, but to do it with someone like Amelia? Someone considered by the rest of the world to be normal?
I’m gonna totally screw this entire thing up. Make a fool of myself and make her remember why she started picking on me in the first place.
Anticipation, anxiety, absolute fear, it’s so powerful right now that I’ve started scratching at my arms, like I’ve been bitten by a mosquito, the urge to itch so strong that I’ve broken through skin.
I don’t know if I can do this.
You can because you want to do it.
For the first time, I really wish this was one of the days I was seeing Thompson, because with the way I’m feeling, I need to get this out to someone and he’s the logical choice. He would be able to talk me through everything I’m feeling, tell me in his usual way that I’m taking a step in the right direction and branching out this way is a great thing.
He could tell me that going out with Amy is a natural teenage experience and that if I don’t do it I would be letting myself down, not enjoying life the way I’m meant too. He could make all of this anxiety make sense.
I need it to make sense because right now, I’m dangerously close to losing control and I just can’t do that. Not here. The people in the class right now might understand, but nobody else would and with as happy as her wanting to hang out with me makes me, other people seeing me break could ruin it all in an instant.
I’ve got news. Txt me when you get this.
That’s the message I’m met with when I finally pull my phone from my pocket, my work for class finished and the need for a distraction driving me more than it ever has before.
No time like the present to text her back. As nerve wracking as thinking about her is right now, the urge to write her back is even worse.
*txts you*
Her response is immediate and seeing it calms me. The overload that was building in my brain, with just a few words from her starts to melt away until I start feeling almost human again. Maybe I won’t need to bolt from the class after all.
LOL nice one. Daniels called.
And?
I’m coming back in a week.
Other than her asking me out to the movies earlier, this is the best news I’ve heard all day. I smile and for the first time today it’s genuine and my face doesn’t feel like it’s going to lock in position with the force I normally have to use to fake it.
She’s coming back.
Something about her coming back, it makes my heart speed up, but not in a bad way. For the first time since she crossed my path a year ago, the idea of seeing her around school doesn’t scare the living crap out of me. It makes me excited.
“What are you smiling about?”
Sliding my phone back in my pocket quickly, not wanting anyone to see that I’ve got it out and even worse; that I’m sitting here texting on it, I turn toward the voice and shrug.
“Try again, Eric.”
Sometimes I forget just how easily Belle can see through me. I should have realized that a simple shrug wasn’t going to be enough for her.
“I got some good news.”
“Care to share?” she whispers as Ms. Taylor moves from her spot from behind the desk and starts making her way around the room.
We’re allowed to talk in here, it’s not like she would come over and stop us, especially since we’ve done the work she assigned and we’re just waiting for her to collect it and move onto something new, but it’s obvious that Belle, just like me wants to keep our conversation as private as possible.
Another reason I’m glad she’s my best friend.
“Not really.” I whisper back before again sliding the phone out of my pocket and staring at her words in front of me. I need to say something back. I can’t just leave her hanging.
So extra popcorn for the movie tonight. My treat.
“Who are you texting?” Belle asks, leaning over in her seat until she’s dangerously close to seeing exactly who it is I’m talking too.
“Amelia.”
“Who?”
“Amelia.” I repeat, hoping that just like with Daniels earlier, she won’t be able to put two and two together and she’ll just believe Amelia to be some random girl I’ve met or know from my gaming online.
“Oh. Well tell her I say hello.”
She turns back to her desk, but not before I catch the grin on her face. I’m not sure what it means, but her smiling like that and turning away from me, it means she’s giving me the privacy I want. It means she gets it.
Belle is awesome.
Gummi Bears would be better.
What about Sour Patch Kids? Those are awesome.
Eww. LOL
How can you not like those? All that soury goodness melting on your tongue. It’s great.
Gross. Popcorn it is.
It’s the most mundane conversation in the world, but it does exactly what I need it to. I’m smiling, even laughing, which earns me the looks of a few people in the class and with each passing text between us, there’s no sign of it stopping.
I’m not panicked over what’s going to happen when I see her later. I’m completely okay again. In fact, I think I might be better than okay because where before I was scared out of my mind, worried that I’d screw this up because I have no idea what I’m even doing, now I can’t wait to get out of here and get the rest of the day over with.
I can’t wait to see her.
Gotta put my phone away but I’ll msg you at lunch.
Taking a cue from Belle, I slip in the happy emoticon at the end and right when I’m about to put my phone back in my pocket, seeing out of the corner of my eye that Ms. Taylor’s about to reach my side of the room, I feel it vibrate and risk getting caught by looking down.
Yeah. Get back to work slacker. I can’t wait. TTYS.
It’s official. I’ve completely lost my mind and it’s all because of Amelia Evans.
Amelia
“Amy, why don’t you come into my office? I have a few moments before my next appointment.”
I have no idea why I’m here, but now that I am, there’s no going back. Telling Eric everything, it wasn’t enough. It was in the sense that now that I’ve gotten it out there and he’s not judging me on it, I feel okay, but there’s still more going on that he can’t help me with. Like seeing my father again.
I’ve been putting it off ever since my mom mentioned it and while I know I’m right and there’s nothing she can do to make me go see him, I’m still not sure if he’ll find a way around it and somehow force me. There’s only one person in the entire world right now that can give me answers to that and it’s not the guy I go to school with.
“What brings you here today?” he asks once I’m seated and I shrug. I know one of the reasons that brought me here even though I could have easily waited until my appointment tomorrow, but there’s other ones too so I’m not sure exactly how to answer.
“I know you know what happened to me. We never come right out and say it, but I get the feeling that we don’t have to. I need to talk about that. I need help.”
I can tell he’s surprised. I’ve never once asked for help in the two weeks I’ve been coming here, so doing it now, it’s a pretty big step. It’s another one in the long list of big steps I’ve been taking since Daniels caught me at school. I just hope that when I’m done explaining, he really can help.
“How can I help?”
“My parents. When they split up, there was a custody agreement put in place. I’m assuming th
at it ended the day I turned eighteen, legal adult and all that, but he’s calling again. Wanting another visit and I don’t know what to do.”
“What do you want to do? Do you want to see him?”
“No. The only reason I saw him before was because they made me. I don’t want them to find a way to make me now.”
“You’re an adult, Amy. You call the shots in terms of seeing your father. There is no legal standing he can take to force your hand. If you do not want to visit with him then don’t.”
“What if he doesn’t stop?”
“Then you would need to give some serious thought to next steps.”
“Like what?”
“As hard as it will be, you need to think about going to the authorities and telling them everything.”
“I can’t do that. Up until a few days ago I couldn’t tell anyone what happened to me and my mom still doesn’t know. Besides, I tried that before, a few years ago and it got me nowhere. Nothing happened to him. I’m not so sure I can go through that again.”
“You’ve been in contact with the police about this before?”
“Yeah. There were pictures…”
I want to say more but I can’t get the words out. I might have been able to tell Eric everything, but repeating it now, even with Dr. Thompson, it’s like there’s something lodged in my throat stopping me. I can’t do it.
Leaning back in his seat, his hand coming up to his chin, rubbing it methodically, the look of someone deep in thought, when he speaks again, I realize I’m not going to have to continue. He’s focusing on the other thing I said.
“You’ve spoken to someone about what you’ve experienced with your father?”
“Yeah.”
“How did that make you feel?”
“It’s hard to explain. I felt good because I finally got it out, but I felt bad because it being out, it’s something that they can use against me, ya know? It’s not a secret anymore.”
“Do you trust the person that you confided in?”
Take Me With You Page 14