Fin: I’m sorry, baby. Please don’t hate me.
A single tear drops down on to the duvet cover and I once again rub my belly. How did it come to this?
Fin
I feel like the biggest arsehole in the world. Connie’s right - I do love her. I always have, but I don’t think even that is going to be enough to make Ruben accept us. I understand his concerns, I really do. If I had a little sister, I’d hate for her to be seeing a guy like me as well.
A nurse comes in not long later to check on me and to tell me that they are going to keep me in overnight because of my concussion. Fuck that, there is no way I’m staying here overnight. I have very few memories of my mum, but one I do have haunted my entire childhood. It was one of her the day before she died, lying in a hospital bed with tubes and pipes coming out of her. I remember thinking that all the nurses and doctors were lying to me because that couldn’t possibly be my mummy; she looked too thin and pale. Even her hair looked different after all the treatment she’d had over the past few months. None of it worked, though, and the next day she passed away, leaving me and my heartbroken dad to fend for ourselves. I was only four years old, and I had lost the most important person in my life. Little did I know that was only the beginning, and that I was soon basically going to lose the second most important as well. It wasn’t going to be in the same way, but I was going to lose him all the same.
I’ve refused to go into a hospital ever since. That memory, even twenty-four years later, still haunts me. I wouldn’t be here right now if I wasn’t brought without my knowledge. Having Connie here helped, but since she walked out, all I can think about is getting out of this hell hole. People only ever die in these places. It is nowhere for me to be.
I pull the tube out of the back of my hand, much to the nurse’s shock, and state, “I’m discharging myself.”
“I don’t think that’s the best idea, Mr. Willis. Your concussion-”
“I don’t give a fuck,” I snap, “I’m not staying here.” I get up and start looking for my shirt. I find it screwed up and covered in blood in the little unit next to my bed. “Get me whatever paperwork I need to sign, please.” I try to be slightly politer to the shocked looking nurse. She looks too sweet and young to have to deal with my arsehole self.
“Uh…yeah, okay. Hold on,” she stutters as she all but runs out of the room.
It’s well over an hour before I’m actually allowed to leave, and I’m holding on to my sanity by a thin thread by that time.
The cantankerous old woman on reception calls me a taxi, and I’m at last on my way home. Fucking great, just where I want to be. I do everything I can these days to spend as little time there as possible. Moving out would make my life easier, but every time I think about it, guilt eats me alive. I can’t leave him alone. Me being there occasionally is better than not being there at all. I dread to think what might happen to him if I were to leave him alone all day and night now. It cost me every penny I had in savings to make sure he was okay while I was in Australia with Ruben. I can’t afford to keep that up full time.
“Has Uncle Mike been at it again?” Dad asks me when I stick my head into the living room to check on him. I ignore his question and go to pick up some of the rubbish he’s dropped on the floor. I only get halfway down before the searing pain in my chest stops me and I stand back up, clutching my side.
“I’ll go sort him out for you, Stevie. I won’t have him using you as his punching bag,” he adds, before turning his focus back to the TV and forgetting that I’m even in the room. My heart bleeds, but I’m at least grateful the house is still standing and he’s in one piece.
I head up to my room and attempt to get some rest, but my entire body is buzzing with pent up energy. I start pacing the length of the room, but it does nothing to sort me out. There are two things that I normally do to relieve this kind of energy: hit the gym or go and find Connie. But unfortunately for me, both of those are out of the question. So, I do the only other thing I can think of. I pull open the bottom draw of my bedside cabinet and roll myself a joint. I don’t do it very often, but when things get really bad, it helps me through. I’m not sure how smoking weed will react with whatever the hospital pumped me full of, but at this point, I really don’t care. I’ve already fucked everything up and hurt everyone I care about, so what’s the harm?
I open my window and perch my arse on the windowsill as I light up. I look out over our jungle of a garden and think back to better times.
Five years ago…
I’ve done everything I can to stay well clear of Connie. It took so long for Ruben to forgive me and for us to get some kind of friendship back after what happened with Connie that I don’t want to even risk looking at her. That doesn’t mean I want her any less, though. If I thought one taste of her would cure me of my addiction, then I was wrong. If anything, I only want her more. And unfortunately, she has only got hotter as the years have gone on. Her curves have got…well, curvier, and she is even more beautiful than ever.
Things got easier when she left for university and Ruben moved into the barn his dad converted next to his parents’ house. It means that, even when she is home, I don’t have to see her, really. I also don’t have to walk past her room every time I go over to see Ruben. Every time I see that room, the memories of that day come flooding back to me, haunting me, taunting me. Giving me just a little reminder of what I had and what I still desperately want.
Today is Connie’s twenty-first birthday. It starts with a family meal, which I’m unfortunately invited to, seeing as I’m practically family, and then a night out in Cheltenham. All I can hope is that I can find a willing chick to distract me and spend the night with. If I have to spend the night watching Connie look all hot and sexy, which she undoubtedly will, I’ll want to blow my brains out. And if I have to watch her pull, because I know she’s single, I’ll kill the fucker with my bare hands. I don’t even want to think about someone else having their hands on her, let alone watch it.
We’re all hovering in the Fosters’ kitchen, waiting for the birthday girl to appear, as we’re now over ten minutes late.
“Hurry up, Connie,” Nigel shouts up the stairs. He’s getting more and more frustrated by the second. Something tells me he’s hungry - just a hunch!
“Alright, alright, calm your tits, old man,” Connie says as she heads towards us, much to Nigel’s delight. His grimace turns to a look of pure horror when he looks up in the direction of the doorway where the sounds of her voice and clicking heels just came from.
“Connie,” he warns, but gets interrupted by Elizabeth.
“Oh, you look lovely, Connie,” she says as she grabs her handbag, ready to go.
It’s as she says this that both Ruben and I must look up from our beers at the same time, because we both say in unison, “You are not going out dressed like that.”
Her head snaps to both of us. To say she looks unimpressed would be putting it mildly.
“I agree,” Nigel adds.
“Well tough, I’m an adult and I get the final say. I’m not thirteen anymore. If you don’t like it, then you don’t have to come.” With that said, she links arms with her mum and together they leave the kitchen.
The three of us look at each other, a similar look of displeasure on our faces. Nigel and Ruben mutter about what a pain in the arse Connie is before finishing their drinks and following them out. I, on the other hand, give myself a good talking to, because I cannot spend the whole night sporting the hard on I’ve currently got. Fuck’s sake, this night just got even worse.
Fate isn’t working in my favour tonight, because after getting ushered to our table at the restaurant, I somehow end up sat opposite Connie, so I spend the next couple of hours with her unbelievable cleavage basically in front of my face. She is wearing a skin tight little black dress, which is much more revealing than her usual attire. Her hair is pinned up in some elaborate do with a couple of strands hanging around her face that are just begging to be
tucked behind her ears, and her make up is dark and smoky. I am very much liking this sexier version of Connie, not that she isn’t perfect the way she usually is. But like this, she is all woman, and no matter how much I tell myself I can’t, I want to touch so badly it’s painful.
We say goodbye to Elizabeth and Nigel after the meal, and the three of us get in a taxi and head towards the club Connie has chosen to start the night in. We are meeting others there, apparently.
It’s been a few hours and I can’t help but feel like this night is going to take a turn for the worse. I don’t know what it is - I can’t put my finger on it, but the feeling’s there. We’ve all consumed a couple too many shots and are out on the dance floor. Ruben has found himself his usual type and is stood practically still while the curvy, willing girl gyrates against him and he shamelessly stares at her overflowing chest. I say that like I’m not doing something similar myself. The only difference is I have no idea what the girl looks like that I’m dancing with, because my focus is solely on someone else, and that someone currently has some dude with his hands all over her and his tongue down her throat. I swear to God I’m mere seconds away from cutting the guy’s tongue off just so I don’t have to see it tangling with Connie’s.
I turn myself and the girl attached to me around to save torturing myself. I try to lose myself in her like I usually would, but my head and my body just aren’t in it. I force myself to look interested, though, because the last thing I need is Ruben noticing my unusual behaviour and calling me out on it. I don’t need him getting any suspicions, not that I think he would. It’s been five years since I’ve had my hands on Connie. Five long years. Nothing has been said of that day for a long time, so I don’t think he has any idea that I’m still hung up on her. Finlay, you’re a fucking pussy still pining after a girl you bedded once and most likely never will again, a little voice in my head screams at me, and forces me to get with the programme.
I slide my hand around the woman’s neck and pull her lips to mine. I nearly change my mind and push her away when I taste smoke on her, but I can’t be arsed to find another willing candidate so I suck it up and carry on. There aren’t many things that will turn me off a woman, but smoking is one of them. When you lose someone close to cancer, it puts things like that into perspective. As always, when I think about this I have to block out the little voice in my head that shouts at me that I smoke a joint on occasion, but I rationalise that is very different to a forty a day habit.
Shouting and a commotion coming from behind us distracts me from the woman. When I turn around to see what’s going on, I push her away from me so hard that she ends up on her arse.
I rush over to Ruben and pull him away just as he’s about to land another punch on the guy Connie was dancing with. There is only one way to piss off Ruben. I’ve never seen him get so angry he wants to hurt people than when someone wrongs his sister. I know it pisses her off, but she should be grateful to have someone who cares so much.
“What the fuck, Ru?” I shout in his ear as I pull him away from the crowd that has gathered. The guy that was with Connie has already run. Pussy.
“His hands were heading somewhere they should never be, let alone on the dance floor of a club,” he seethes.
“Right, couldn’t resolve that any other way than with your fists then, no?” I ask with sarcasm dripping off each word, because now I know what that bad feeling was earlier, and the bouncers are heading this way to announce it.
“Right, you lot, out please. We won’t have any violence in our club.”
“You go and get a taxi, I’ll get Connie and meet you out there.”
I watch Ruben’s back as he follows one of the bouncers out. The other watches as I head back on to the dance floor to retrieve Connie.
“Ruben’s been kicked out,” I shout in her ear.
“For fuck’s sake, why does he always do this?”
“He’s just looking out for you, Con.”
“Great,” she fumes, and starts to storm off in the direction of our spectator.
We’re almost at the exit when I see her begin to go over on her ridiculously high heels. I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve been following her out so I can watch her arse sway back and forth. I rush forward to grab her and stop her from faceplanting the floor.
I steady her and she turns slightly so her chest rubs against mine as she rises. Her eyes lock on to mine and she continues to hold them even once she’s at full height. With her heels, she’s not that much shorter than me. My hands are still on her waist and I feel her place hers on my stomach before they run up my chest to my shoulders.
She continues staring at me, but my eyes drop to her mouth when I see her tongue sneak out to wet her bottom lip. One of her hands continues upwards until it is wrapped around the back of my neck, and when I feel it pull slightly, I’m powerless to resist. I’m frozen still, apart from my head moving towards her, but that’s only because she’s doing all the work.
Don’t do this, the little voice inside me is screaming at the top of his voice. Don’t do it, because one taste won’t be enough. And he’s right, one taste will never be enough. But it’s too late though, because before I know it, I feel her soft lips against mine, and then her tongue is running along the seam of my lips. My mouth falls open without instruction, and instantly her tongue is caressing mine.
Any restraint I did have disappears and I back her up against the wall of the club. I press my whole body to hers and indulge in everything that is Connie.
I want to kill the fucking bouncer when he announces that we need to move it along. Well, that is until I look at him and see that he’s built like a brick shit house. I don’t fancy my chances, so I regretfully pull back from Connie, then step away, putting some much needed space between our bodies.
Fuck.
When we get outside, we discover that Ruben must have stopped on his way out to grab the girl he was with, because he’s dry humping her against the wall of the club. Well, at least we didn’t need to be concerned that he would find us doing something similar.
“Ruben, for fuck’s sake, have you got no self-respect or control?” Connie says, distracting him from his chick. I have to laugh to myself, because after what just happened inside, I don’t think Connie is in any place to comment on Ruben’s behaviour. What’s the saying about the pot and the kettle?
Thankfully, a taxi pulls up and we all pile in. I get the sheer joy of sitting in the back with Ruben and his chosen one for the night. I really wish he’d wait until they got back to his place to get her well and truly revved up. I really don’t need them bumping against me. I’m already squashed up against the door as it is; I’ve got nowhere else to go.
“Put ya foot down will ya, mate? I don’t need this.” I complain to the driver, who picks up his speed marginally.
My luck is in when the driver pulls in at my end of the village. “Here’s fine, mate, thanks. He’s paying,” I say, nodding to Ruben, not that he even registers I say anything as he’s almost throat deep in the moaning girl.
I realise as I look at them that the reason they are pissing me off so much is because I’m jealous. Our usual MO is that we both hook up then head back to his place with the girls. It’s the perfect bachelor pad: we can do exactly as we please and not worry about parents hearing us. But tonight, I seem to be going home alone, while Ruben gets his fuck on. I really need to blow off some steam. I was worked up enough just from being around Connie all night. I really didn’t need that kiss to make matters worse.
“Bye, Con,” I mutter as I open the car door.
“Bye,” she says sadly. I look back and instantly regret it, because the look on her face tells me exactly how she’s feeling, and I’m pretty sure it’s not much different to the frustration I feel.
Chapter Three
Connie
Present…
I wake to the sound of knocking. The sun is streaming in through the cracks in the curtains, but it’s silent, apart from the birds
singing in the tree outside my window. In my sleepy state, I wonder if, like in the movies, someone is throwing stones at my window to get my attention. I chastise myself when I feel butterflies come to life in my belly at the thought that it could be Fin coming to tell me he didn’t mean it and that he wants to fight for us.
I hate myself for it, but I get up and go to look out the window. Disappointment floods me when I don’t see anyone. I walk back over and sit on the edge of the bed when a wave of sickness washes over me, and put my head in my hands. I think back to the one and only time I’ve had a night time visitor knocking on my window.
Five years ago…
It’s my twenty-first birthday and my bloody brother just got us kicked out of the club. I decided tonight was the night I was going to put Fin behind me at last, and find myself a guy to sleep with. I’m embarrassed to say that I haven’t put myself out there since that day with him. No guy has lived up to my Fin-high expectations. All my friends think there’s something wrong with me, as they either have boyfriends or hook up with different guys on a weekly basis. I, one the other hand, have shied away from any male attention. I hate myself for it, but I can’t get my head out of the past.
So when the guy I’d chosen for the night ends up on the wrong end of my brother’s fist, he runs away as fast as he can. Fantastic!
I stomp off ahead of Fin when he comes to get me so we can leave, pissed off that the only birthday present I can give myself now will come courtesy of my vibrator. Yippee fucking doo!
It’s not until Fin stops me almost falling on my arse in my too high heels that another plan slams into my brain. My stupid, alcohol fuelled brain.
I initiate the kiss and I really think for a few seconds that he’s going to push me away. I saw him watching me this evening with hooded, desire filled eyes; did I really read that look wrong? He soon proves to me that I was right, though, when my back hits the wall and he moulds his body to mine.
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